Glad she was sympathetic. It’s better to be honest about how you feel, I think, but it’s hard too to open up.
I went back to work last Monday. Did a full week. It had been 2 weeks since dad died at that point.
I’m not going to lie, it was really hard. Lots of tears during the week, every day. I’m so exhausted as also not sleeping. However, I had some beautiful messages from colleagues/friends and yesterday I spent an hour crying with a colleague sharing our grief stories - it just happened as he asked why I was sad. It was a beautiful moment of connecting with another human.
It’s such a personal choice when to go back to work. There are no right or wrong answers. Only you know. And you may go back and then need a mental health day/time off. That’s okay.
As I reflect, I’ve benefited from some structure and getting lost in a spreadsheet or to. My work have been supportive and cleared my diary to give me space. I managed a trip out with my husband last night and it was good to have something ‘normal’ to discuss as well as dad. But my tolerance for BS is zero and I told my boss this.
Will I be okay next week? I have no idea but I needed a reason to get out of bed. I know I’m in survival mode and the key is adding in some breaks.
Whatever your choice - sending you strength.
Just doublechecking, did you mean this for me or for mia4 maybe?
Sending hugs either way, because we all need it on a bad day.
I’ve started trying to work again too, but similar to you I have no space for BS. I’ve handed over some tasks I didn’t feel up to to understanding colleagues. And if I’m not up to something, then I’m just saying “I won’t be doing that”. We have to prioritise ourselves while we get through this incredibly raw time. I feel like all my nerves are on the outside of my body.
I am glad to hear that your colleagues are being supportive. I’m finding it easier to do tasks that I can do entirely solo. Struggling more with meetings and interactive work. Like you, I feel I need some structure, otherwise I’m just adrift.
I got some books out of the library about grief, if any of them are any good I’ll share about them on here.
So sorry for everyone’s loss, pillars are a good way to describe them as my mum was mine. I am just over a year and it’s still hard and yes it’s the small things. I was online looking for cushion covers in a certain colour and ones came up in a range in my mums name! She has quite an uncommon name Estelle, that set me off for the week who would have thought it. Sending hugs everyone
I can completely understand how it’s those unexpected moments like seeing the name of your loved one, it doesn’t matter how “mundane” the moment seems, to us it reminds us of that person we loved and that they’re no longer with us and that can absolutely take your breath away. In many ways even harder when it’s something like looking for cushion covers as you’re just not expecting it at all!
I managed to do a day actually at work today. I “held it together” all day, even when some photos of my Dad as a young man came through on WhatsApp. But when I got home, the floodgates opened. There’s a particular photo of my Mum and Dad in their mid twenties, and all the hope of the future present before them, it was both beautiful and utterly heartbreaking.
This sounds good. And priortising yourself as well is key. I’m saying no to meetings. It’s really liberating. I’m going to do this for as long as I can
I warned my boss my tolerance is low. They are keeping the irrating people away from me.
Take care of yourself. You will have bad and better days. On the bad ones reach out to a trusted colleague or friend.
I’m terrifed of mothers day. The first one without mum and dad just died. I’m avoiding the shops as seeing the cards makes me cry.
On bad days seeing a trigger in the supermarket can set me off. The other day it was a fruit loaf - we loved a cuppa and a slice on a sunday afternoon. Or seeing certain treats. My mum loved flying saucer sweets.
It’s still really raw right now.
Any advice welcome.
Tolerance goes out the window, the things you would normally just brush off you just don’t put up with it anymore.
You just do what you can do at work. I was fortunate enough to have a colleague who I could chat to and burst into tears on teams calls and I still do. Getting through a day is huge.
Mothers day is hard this will be my second without her and again just want it over with as we had our traditions when she was here.
Be kind and take care of yourselves
It was my Mum’s first Birthday without her here to celebrate on Saturday .
We still took flowers (which my Mum loved) but this year to her Grave very hard and tearful but went with my Son and Brother .
When I chose the card and flowers it was really hard head all over the place.
I remembered how my Mum would have a lovely smile when she received her gifts this helps I’m finding comfort thinking about my Mum and her Beautiful smile .
Think about all the lovely moments you spent with your loved one ,
I have my Mums dressing gown that I hug when things get overwhelming
Hope this helps
I’m having a really hard time today, floods of tears when I got an email from a theatre advertisement, the one I took my mum to for a show
I’m struggling today because of valentines day
When I was a little kid, I was upset that I didn’t get a valentine’s card. I was like 5 or 6. Mum made we one and put it through the letter box. It was anonymous but i knew it from her and I felt so loved. She sent me a card every year thereafter until I was about 18, so that I know I was loved. As a teenager, it meant I always had a card.
I’m feeling the gap in love from mum and dad no longer being here. Its still so raw.
Rob I thought I was the only one that sent valentines to my Son !
Your Mum isn’t here but her love is everlasting
Find comfort in how your Mum felt when you received your valentines cards
Sending hugs x
So sorry for your loss, I’m in exactly the same position as you and so the only advice I can give you is keep reading posts on here and writing your own, it’s the only thing I can concentrate at the moment, take care
My mam was my rock, I miss her so much, I’ll never get over it
Bless you @Pixiecat , I can totally empathise. They are our anchor and you now feel adrift.
I was said today having to speak about her in past tense.
I keep finding the past tense so difficult too. I was telling my children “Grandad really loved you, you know”, and the past tense really got to me.
My 6 year old nephew was asking “was grandad your dad?” and I responded gently and kindly with “yes, grandad is my dad”. My dad is always here with me, and if I can avoid using past tense, I will.
Yes that’s very true, the present tense makes just as much sense because they’re still our Dads, our Mums, the love we have lives on. For me I have to be very careful with my two as they’re extremely young and I have to ensure they do understand Grandad has died, even the phrase “Grandad’s funeral” made my youngest daughter think he might be there, I had to explain that he wouldn’t be there in the way she was perhaps imagining.
My Dad’s funeral is tomorrow and to be honest I’m completely dreading it. I feel like I want to grieve privately, this big event, I feel like half the time we’re doing it for other people more than for those close loved ones. But the idea of trying to explain to extended family we were going to do things differently is also exhausting and daunting. No perfect answer I guess.
Oh bless. I understand re: making things clear for your children.
I know what you mean. I was dreading it, too. But, actually, as the service drew to a close, I was actually really sad that it couldn’t go on for longer… I wanted to stay and celebrate my wonderful, kind, generous, selfless, beautiful dad, for hours and days and months, and shout out from the highest mountain that my dad is the greatest person who ever did live . I hope that you too find some comfort, tomorrow.
I do know exactly what you mean, though - it can seem like a cruel punishment, to have to go through a public display of mourning, especially so soon after our world has stopped turning .