Ah, got it now. Thanks Jonathan.
Hi. Lyn. I think you have got it right. I don’t regard this site as just being a place you go to until you feel better then leave. It’s about using our experience to help others. There is no substitute for experience and only the bereaved know what that pain is like.
‘Sharing the love and experience’. Yes indeed. I came here too over a year ago and found so many kindred spirits that helped. To not feel alone is a big thing. We may feel physically alone but love and good thoughts travel well. Very best wishes Lyn. Take care.
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I’m replying as the thread popped up in my email. Can I just give my personal feeling on staying or leaving. I joined when my husband died suddenly in March 2018. It actually was difficult to read others experience at that point and I took time out, returning in Jan 2019 as I was approaching the anniversary and knew that I would relive the trauma. I most certainly did find the reassurance I needed and I felt in a better place to share how I was dealing with loss as I could see the progress I had made. I am taking time out again. That’s because the time I have been active has helped me to get to where I am. This forum plays a key role it helping those travelling the same journey, it gives the most important message, you will find a way, one that enables you to move forward. Some opt to stay active and play a mentor role, but for me, I found that it would be too difficult. I don’t feel I need to ‘give back’ and nor should anyone else. You take and give in a way that is right for you. It’s a very emotional site and taking a break can be good too.
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Of course San, and I respect your reply. We must be led by how we feel. Expectations can be a curse. What we expect from others should never colour our feelings about them. You contributed and have done your bit and your posts have helped. When I first came on here I did feel it would be too much, but I also know how bad that alone feeling can be. I have made friends on here and I really appreciate that. Perhaps one day you will pop back for a chat. May I wish you all the very best for he future.
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Hi San
I agree that taking a break is healthy and also helps us to process “our own journey” along the way.
Being on a perpetual journey of grief is not good for anyone, whether newly bereaved or further down the line. Grief is like sand and shifts hour by hour, day by day and day by night. It is exhausting and draining and sometimes what strength we have can be better placed somewhere else. We are all unique and offer parts of ourselves and our experiences that some will relate to and others not. Ultimately whether we come on here to help, mentor, give or take it’s because we feel a need to and that’s ok as well as not being on here. The one huge change that has occurred in me since experiencing loss and grief is that I now feel that I am only one tiny dot on this Earth whereas when my loved one’s were here I was in a cocoon where I was bigger than life , cherished, important and invincible. I now wake up and look at each day and see the bigger picture and how everything evolves with time. Bit deep I know lol! Anyway I hope everyone has a nice weekend as I know the next few weekends are going to be very challenging for us all
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Lovely thoughtful replies, thank you.
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I am truly hoping that when I am further along this road I will be able to reach out to those that are struggling with their grief and be able to offer a supportive hand. I have no idea as yet how I will cope. I too had a break earlier this year but came back when I thought I could manage. At the moment I must admit to finding myself at a loss as how to reply to some of the posts although I would dearly love to be ab;e to offer some help but then I am no expert, just another grieving person.
Pat xxx
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I quite often read people’s posts and would dearly love to reach out. But I can’t find the right words. My head is just empty. But hope one day I could offer the help I have been given on here
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Oh No Pat!!! Your posts are always encouraging and have helped me a lot and I suspect, many others. You don’t have to be an expert just have love and empathy, which you surely have. Of course we must all do what we feel is right for us. If it means taking a break or stopping altogether then that’s fine. We need to be thinking about ourselves, and if that’s called being selfish then so be it. There may be others in the family grieving and they too need support. But most of us here have lost someone so close and that is the unbearable part.
You are at a similar stage to me and I too am still far from coming to terms with what happened. We can only hold each other’s hand and give hope and love and comfort where possible. Bless you Pat. Hugs. xx
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But Jooles, you do find the right words. It seems this thread should be
re-titled as ‘Knock myself down’ thread. We ALL help in our own way. No one on here need ever feel that they don’t help. If only one person reads a post and feels just a little bit uplifted then that is what your post has done, helped.
In helping another you help yourself. It’s not about the ego or how kind or good you are, it’s about humility and understanding.
Not everyone has ‘The gift of the gab’ as the Irish say. But we can only express ourselves as best we can and and that means letting emotions out which is what this is all about.
It may be said that we are just a tiny dot on this earth. A tiny grain of sand on the shore among billions of others. Maybe, but each grain of sand is unique. There are no others like it. Every single human is unique. It’s why we need to have respect for each other; be kind to each other and support each other. Everything evolves with time and that’s so true. But patience in not a virtue among the bereaved. It still comes down to a day at a time.
Self esteem also takes a knock. We were important to each other then suddenly there is no one to be important for. But we are still ‘us’. Knocked about, bashed and like a boxer who has done 10 rounds, but we are still here and bearing up. Blessings to all.
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Thank you for your kind words Jonathan. When I sit at my computer and hit the reply button I sometimes have no idea what I am going to type, I just let my heart and fingers do the talking and then I suppose my brain kicks into action as well. You are so right about coming to terms with the loss and the way it has changed us.I can now be chatty and possibly seem fine but on my own I can still have those terrible times. This morning is one of them as I watched an early morning programme and a man presented his wife with a red rose, this is something that Brian did to me. The first bloom of the summer and I so often took this gesture for granted, just seeing it on TV this morning set me off and the weather which has been pouring down isn’t helping. Got soaked with the dogs and we had to run for home, so no long therapeutic walk.
Anyway family just asked me if I want to go out with them this afternoon and coming to pick me up. I was tempted to say no and wallow by the fire, preferably with the cream bun(s) but I have decided to go and not wallow.
You are so right and helping others does help ourselves. Others are hurting also.
Love to you Pat xxxx
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Hi everyone. I think we all must do what is best for us and if that helps somebody else along the way then all well and good. This site has been a lifesaver for me and like SanW I joined too soon after my bereavement and found I couldn’t contribute because I found it too upsetting. I returned after about a year or so of my loss. To find other people who were in the same place, who could truly understand was a relief. There were times I thought I would go mad but you people were always there. I think the other thing was intelligent conversation. How I miss that but once again this site came up trumps. Thank you, all of you. Then I disappeared again. I think more for my sake really. Perhaps I’d achieved all that I could with regards SR forum. I was no longer finding it helpful, in fact there were moments when it dragged me down. Perhaps selfishly, I don’t know. I agree that it’s those like us that can provide hope for those newly bereaved but then I simply can’t find the words. Perhaps after two and a half years I’m all worded out (worded, is that even a word!?
) Anyway, I’m rambling but I think you’ll all know what I’m trying to say. Incidentally, it was a post by Amelie’s gran, in my inbox, which brought me on here today. You should take a look in the Grieving through poetry thread - beautiful words. Love to you all xx
To My Dear Fellow Grievers- I now consider myself a “regular” on this forum (over a year since my loss). I find I dip in and out, often just perusing the posts. When something resonates with me, I reply. I see the forum as a soft “cushion,” something that will lessen the impact when I fall (and I do continue to fall). I try to offer words of comfort to others whenever I can. It is a win/win because it gives me pleasure to be of help to someone else. It takes me out of my own misery, and reminds me I am not alone in my despair.
Now with the holidays upon us, I am so thankful to have this forum to turn to, day or night, in my abject loneliness. I must admit ( in my grief related sensitivity) I sometimes feel slighted when I pour my heart out, and I do not get a response. Nevertheless, just being able to express myself through my writing is therapeutic. I ramble on, like I am doing now, but it is cathartic so on I go. What I am trying to say is, why overthink? We have a warm and accepting forum to visit as often or as infrequently as needed. We have welcoming, outstretched hands to lift us, and offer a beacon of light to guide us through this darkness. For many of us (myself included) this is a Godsend and a life saver. I have so often felt like giving up after losing my beloved soul mate, my little Sister & best friend. I grow so tired of pretending that I am coping, when I am functioning as barely half the person I was.
I just wanted to be with her again. Then a few well timed words from someone on the forum, gives me hope, and the motivation to try again.
Any thing you say may be just what another griever needs to hear. Never doubt that your words might touch just one person, and make a difference in their life. I would rather hear a few heartfelt words from someone also travelling this journey, than the clinical drivel from “some” of the so-called professionals simply regurgitating what they read their dated textbooks (my boss, the cliche’ queen comes to mind).
Sorry to go on, but I want you all (and any one else reading this) to know how important you are to me, and to each other. Leave if you must, take a break, and do whatever you need for yourself. While you are here, continue to speak your heart and your truth. I am listening and am grateful for any words of kindness. Far better than the icy silence of those who no longer want to be “bothered” by our grief,. Thank you for listening. Always here for you.
Sister2 Xxx
Wise words indeed Sister2. I can’t think of anything to add except thank you. 
Kate lovely to hear from you again. I have always found your words helpful and re-assuring. So I hope you will stay. Yes I sometimes feel I have said all I need to after a year but then a post will strike a chord and I hope I can contribute something of help. I still can’t give a useful answer to some but I think I am learning all the time so I think I will continue to just do my best. Even a friendly chat can be helpful at times when we are feeling low. Just knowing there are other people out there who care and reply. I have my down days like we all do but I am always aware that there are others worse off than me. This site has also been a lifesaver for me whether I am asking for help or trying to give.
Bless
Pat xxx
Hi Kate
Lovely to see you back on here and hope you are doing ok…x
Sister2
Lovely words…x
Pat
Your posts are full of warmth and honesty x
We all bring something unique and different to this harrowing journey as we travel through it together and I would like to thank everyone for their compassion, support, understanding, kindness, love and last but not least the inspiring posts that keep us all moving forwards.
I would like to take this opportunity personally to wish everyone of you a peaceful Christmas and to let you know that you will all be at my home in spirit on Christmas day because you are all part of my journey and I couldn’t have got through this without this support. I will also raise a glass to you all to wish you a new year that you all wish for yourselves.
Sending you all lots of love x
Hi. Sister2. Thank you. Your words have always been a help to me and although you suffer in different circumstances suffering is still suffering. I doubt many of us realise the impact soothing words can have. The right words at the right time can so often begin the healing process. You are so right about so called ‘professionals’ who should know better and rarely do.
Take care . Blessings.