Speaking into the silence

My house is silent. I am alone here. I talk to T all the time. Yet these are words into a void, there is no response. Silence is the reply. I tell him I love him. That I have oceans of love for him. But these tides, once exchanged between us, flow nowhere now. Silted. Stagnant. Still.

Last night, another long one, I thought about his death. The process of his life ending. I realised that I haven’t even started to grieve. It scares me, the pain that lies ahead.

Does anyone else speak into the silence, alone and unanswered? How do we go on?

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Yes the silanss of the house. so yes at night I speak in to the dark wanting a answer missing the life I had wanting the emptnes to go away I feel hallow and empty inside trying to fill that void I don’t no if I ever will or if you ever stop missing them I don’t want to be alone for the rest of the time I have but I don’t think I won’t to start again it’s been over 2 years for me and I’m still trying to get to some places were Iam at lest happy in my own space the night are the hardest so yes I speak to the dark

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@Cj13 - just wanted to send you loads of love. Thank you for replying- it is reassuring to know that I am not the only one. I want to try and find a way to be content in my own space, too. Let’s keep walking towards that x

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I speak to Jim all the time , sometimes I think I’m going mad. Silence is not golden as the song goes. It’s 6 months for me and I’m still crying myself to sleep. I wake up exhausted with a feeling i just can’t face another day without my soulmate. There’s only so many jobs you can do in house to while away the time. So far today I’m changed bedding, done washing, finished a jigsaw I started 2 months ago usually I would have done it in 2 days my mind is just not in to doing anything. And walked the dogs.

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I know the feeling, @Misprint - really well. I am lucky in that I have a job - part-time, but something - and a bunch of projects I am working on, but I do it in a shroud, really. It is hard. Great result on the jigsaw though - that is terrific. We are all a bit like jigsaws at the moment, I think, a thousand pieces, needing to be put back together again. Hope you have sunshine and spring blossom there, my friend, they help me. I am so glad to be with you in this community. T and J would be proud of us, I am sure - that we keep going each day and look out for each other, too.

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Thank you vancouver for your kind words .

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Yes, I speak into the silence, but the difference for me (after almost 14 months) is that I now imagine Ian replying, I hear his voice very clearly now. I speak to his numerous photo’s around the house.

It is a very, very short time for you yet Vancouver. The silence will remain but will come more fathomable, less painful, more forgiving. You will be able to think of your beloved and smile at a memory of you both.

I often still have worries about the future, that time stretching out in front of me…but now I break it down into days, and dealing with those days as they arrive truly does work rather than worrying about the big “future”

I’m sure that will work for you too. Gradually you will learn to live your life in a new way and, with that, peace and hope will put in an appearance, however fleeting at first, they will visit again.

Thinking of you with love
Janey x

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@JaneyS - thank you for these really encouraging words. I have been stuck in a loop for what feels like forever but is only 2 months. I really hope I can find my way to a similar strength that you feel now, after 14 months. It was funny last night. On the drive outside, we have lights that come on if tripped by little animals walking past. I said into the darkness and silence “T, come home, please come home” - and the light went on outside! Only a badger or a fox, but maybe, just maybe, T stopped by. Take care, Janey xx

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It was T…he is there, and he’ll let you know again.
Such an amazing comfort xx

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I don’t mind the silence and occasions when I do, I put the radio on or an audiobook.
And yes, I talk to Robbie all the time, every day.
I know it’s only really me talking to myself but if it makes you feel a little better, what’s the harm?
When Robbie was ill we kept saying we were just doing our best, just keeping going, one thing at a time.
Nothing has changed, except now it’s just me, doing my best, one thing at a time.

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Yes, I am alone too. I speak to Pete all the time. Petes ashes are on my bedside cabinet, I say I love you every morning and every night. I tell my dogs how much I miss their Dad, I’m sure some people would call me crazy!
Never any answer, just silence.
It a horrible existence, I try to keep busy but he is never out of my thoughts.
Muldool

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Hi I have just finished doin a small bit of gardening (hubby always did gardening) I came in and said to his photo "I’ve just done all the gardening hope your pleased " and then a thought came in my head saying “ALL you just done a tiny bit” that is deffinatly what hubby would of said to me teasing me .x

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Sending loads of love, @Auntie - you are doing really well, like all of us, only sometimes we don’t believe that - I know I don’t. I’m going to keep talking with T - it helps, my love for him fills my heart and my life xx

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I also talk to my husband would love to have answer it is so silent been 11 months and I don’t like the silence have radio on all time he lived his music
Hard when I have been out and come home I always say I’m home no answer then the tears are back not getting any easier hit this far I guess so will go on missing him so much not life any of us want is it all stay safe take care x

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Oh, my dear friend - I know, I understand. You are doing so well - 11 months is a long time and you have got to here. That is progress, even though it may not seem it. I am talking with T here, in our home in the mountains. The difference is that, although there is no reply, I feel him very near, I feel his encouragement - it is helping. We stick together on here, Rose - let’s all keep posting and keeping each other going.

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Thank you Vancouver for your reply it does help to be talking on here sounds a nice place in the mountains
I do feel my husband presents all around the house but it’s very hard not to feel is touch and hear his voice so hard for us all it’s a strange life now can not believe I have had to turn to this site we do need it don’t we write how we feeling then check to see if any one is feeling same and there is a lot of us dealing with there own grief at all stages it helps thank you
Take care it is good to have friends on here who understand not good that you you are in the same position though big hug xx

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God only knows how we get through grieve, I draw strength from my husband by talking 2 his pictures & everyday ask him 2 help me get through the day. & oliver’s been gone over 4 yrs.

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Sending loads of love @PaulineM1 - I really understand. I am still talking to T, and I don’t think I will ever stop - or want to. Take care, stay well xx

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People might not believe this, but only last week, I walked into my bathroom & sitting on top of the mirror was a little robin red breast.
I did get a fright, then the robin, flew into my front room & sat on my husband’s dresser, All the things my husband put into our home.
& I tht I can’t leave the little bird there all day. As I was going out.
Then the robin flew over 2 my husband’s photo on the window sill & out the window.
The only time iv ever seen a robin red breast is on a Xmas card.
How strange is that.

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That was amazing ti have a robin your husband was sending you a sign that he was still with you I speak to my husband a yes ask for him to help me
Take care all x

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