It’s nearly 12 mths now since Mum died, and I am finding it really hard at the moment. I keep thinking this time last year she was here, and looking at photo’s and videos each day of the same date last year.
I feel like a totally different person than I used to be, the joy has gone out of life. I function, I work, I spend time with my husband, children and grandchildren, but inside its such an effort, my heart feels literally broken.
Her death wasn’t unexpected, I thought I was ready for her to go and many times during the last couple of weeks told her to go and find peace.
We were very lucky for the last few days even though she was in care I spent all my time with her and stayed overnight. We played her favourite Irish songs, she sipped her favourite whisky, and we told each other just how much we cared and loved one another.
We were very close and had a great relationship, and that included my daughter who is also struggling.
I keep telling myself it was her time, she wouldn’t want to carry on living with the indignity and the pain she was going through.
So why can’t I accept that she’s gone?, why can I not start living my life again like she wanted me to?. Why does it still hurt so much?
I know I am lucky she lived til she was 90, and I have a good family.
I would be grateful for any advice on how to move on.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, @Queenbeez. I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts. I also wanted to point you in the direction of this really supportive thread for anyone who has lost their mum:
Keep reaching out and take care 
Hi @Queenbeez
So sorry for your loss, I’m sad to say I haven’t got any advice but just to let you know you’re not alone, I resonate with everything you said 
I feel like I’ve lost everything , sorry if this is upsetting, I’m just struggling at the moment xx
I am soo sorry for your loss. I feel very similar. I lost my Mum this time last year after caring for her for some time. She was hospitalised for a few weeks and then I bought her home to look after her for her last 2 weeks. I had always promised her I would having nursed for most of my life.
Just like you those last 2 weeks were bitter sweet as we shared some truly beautiful moments but it was the hardest time emotionally and physically to watch her die. She had Parkinson’s and had been hit with septicaemia from a UTI. She couldn’t stand or move much and we shared a gin and tonic using a syringe in the evenings. Food was her joy so I was challenged with making tiny mouthfuls of lovely things for her and feeding her. When she passed away I had the job of organising the funeral and then sorting her house to rent.
I like you would not wish her back as she was very happy to move on, but I miss her soo much and feel so empty and lonely despite having family and a husband. No one can really know the awful way I feel inside. It feels like someone filled me with lead most of the time. I was always the strong, capable person every one looked to and now I feel so completely broken.
My Mum was the person I would call and talk to, I had a great group of friends but having spent soo long focusing on her and keeping the family going as well, I had grown away from many of them.
I have found walking is a help but spend every evening drinking myself to a state of tiredness so I can sleep. I wake with that awful realisation of what has happened and that I must carry on. I know she loved me and would hate for me to feel so sad but I don’t know how to move forward.
Mum died my youngest left home, I gave up work to look after her. I had 2 horses I was brining on but had to sell one as I just couldn’t manage it all. Now everything is sorted I feel like I have no purpose.
Let’s hope as I am soo often told that time heals the pain. It doesn’t go it just changes 
Thanks for replying. I appreciate it.
Each day is different, one day I feel positive and the next lost.
You have just described exactly how I feel, I cared for mum too, it made us even closer if that was possible.
I feel I am just going through the motions of life, it’s like I am two people, to the outside world I smile, put on my face and dress nicely, but the minute I get home, the heavy weight returns, the makeup comes off and I have no motivation to do anything.
I’ve invited my family round on Sunday so we can remember mum. I used to love having everyone here, but nothing seems to give me joy anymore.
I appreciate you replying to my post, it gives me comfort to know that you truly get it. Thank you for sharing your feelings.
It has really helped me being able to read the posts here and write how I am feeling with no judgements.
I find some days easier than others now but still just don’t have any positive energy in me. It only takes one thing to go wrong and I feel like a lump of uselessness again and just want to climb into bed. Of course I don’t. I started sleeping in the spare room months after Mum died as I was soo tired and woke soo much .It now feels like my safe cave and I can wake and cry or toss and turn then sleep if my body allows.
I smile and I do but it is just not the same and I don’t even know why. I have no spark and nothing seems to make me happy like it used to. Mum, my daughter and I used to sing in a choir. I recently joined one a so missed it and felt it might be fun. The energy and enthusiasm were brilliant but it was exhausting and I came away just realising how much I have lost of myself. I would have been that buzzy person full of life leading a group, but now just attending was hard!
I really do try so hard but as you may understand it is soo deep inside you, like a gapping hole of sadness, it is difficult to do every day things let alone anything extra. Stay strong I guess 6 months ago all I could do was cry and feel sick with the grief so it is different from that