Hi Madeline I was married 38 and half years and got no warning. It is nearly 2 years and I am still in pain although most days I do not cry nearly as much and some days just a few tears at night or when something triggers it. You don’t have anything to repay and if you get some help from any of us then we are so pleased to have helped. I have a son in England and one living close to me whom I do rely on for certain things. I try not to let them know how unhappy I am and not worry them. Perhaps you could go and visit your sons one day. Take care and stay in touch. Love Evelyn x
Hello, I have just joined this online community tonight. My husband died in 2014 of lung cancer and having read your conversations here I have taken great comfort in your advice given. I shall keep on using this forum.
I want to welcome you to our Online Community - I am so sorry that your husband died in 2014; your life must have changed so much since then. I know that every bereaved person goes through such a wide range of emotions, but I hope that you will find it helps to exchange thoughts and feelings with others through these posts. With kind regards, Jackie
Hello Pebbles. I am glad you have found us and I hope it is of help. My husband died 2 years ago this month very suddenly. It is very difficult and there are no shortcuts or answers as we are all different. I would say be kind to yourself and listen to your inner voice. Take care. Ev x
Hi Pebbles, yes it makes a difference knowing that others have and are going through the same kind of things. We are all different but the emotions are very much alike and you do sometimes think you are alone with your grief. We put on a brave face and then close the door and let lose. The only thing I can say is that life goes on and so must we. Take care.
Hi Pebbles, yes it makes a difference knowing that others have and are going through the same kind of things. We are all different but the emotions are very much alike and you do sometimes think you are alone with your grief. We put on a brave face and then close the door and let lose. The only thing I can say is that life goes on and so must we. Take care.
Hi Pebbles my husband passed away in May last year, this community has been a great help and I’ve made a couple of good friends too. This is the right place to come to for help, support and comfort. Take care Libby x
Hello everybody, it is good to see that some new people have found this conversation and are taking comfort from it.
Today, we have a new conversation on the site from Alan, who lost his wife in November and is feeling very lonely. If anybody feels like replying to him, he might find it helpful to hear from some of you.
You can read and reply to what he has written here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/loneliness
Everyone’s experience and reaction to it is different. I too have friends who have lost husbands/partners and are out and about “enjoying” life and infuriatingly telling me I should be doing the same. I do not feel that way. I had only my husband, have no children and a father in elderly care having lost my mum over 30 years ago, and am struggling with my day-to-day responsibilities in the home - DIY, gardening, worrying about frozen pipes and water leaks should they occur and what I will do, etc. I do not feel anything but guilt when I occassionally smile and I have lost a lot of so-called friends who have said cruel and thoughtless things just once too often. I am in year 5 and it is no better. I can say that I am lonely and view existence as pointless - why am I bothering and what am I doing and why? - but I have I realise adjusted to this different existence and made some good new friends. The only time this will cease for me is when I can rejoin my husband and be back where I belong, until then, I try to get through and meet my responsibilities.
Hi
The first year is full of first’s, many hard, some easier. The second year I am hoping will be slightly easier. Next month will be hardest of all as it will be a year since my husband died at a young age. I don’t think you do prepare for the loss even though you know it’s coming. It’s easy to say think of the good times as I struggle most days with having lost my husband but I do have great days and they are getting more. I just need to get over my sticking points. Maybe It would help to note if there are set things that bring on your thoughts as then you have something to work with. Hope you get some brighter times. Maybe a few paid for sessions of Counciling would help. I still go as it helps me focus.
My sentiments exactly. What is the point of my existence? My counsellor has been off for nearly 7 weeks. John was my world and life really seems very bleak. It’s just coming up to 10 months since he passed away. That’s another thing I cannot bring myself to say the D word anymore, does anyone else find it hard? Take care x
Yes. I cannot say it either. I say “when I lost my husband”. I had no counselling support offered so went to a psychic and I found the things she told me reassuring because she simply could not have known any of it. From that I am reassured that my husband is still here with me and aware of what I am doing. I got such comfort. However I still ask why I am here and what for. Everyone says it and it is true, take one day, one half-day at a time. Some are better days than others but none are excellent any more. It was my birthday yesterday and that was a non-day because it is all so different. Keep trying, keep getting through the days. John knows what you are going through and is there with you, be assured of that. Talk to him out loud not just in your head. It helps.
I have been to a psychic too and again just three weeks ago. They have all told me things that nobody else could know and assured me my husband is right by my side. I wonder why I am here too but like you I have to take it a morning, an hour, a day, whatever at a time. Days are just empty now with no joy, any smiles I give are just a cover for what is going on behind the smile. I wish I had an answer - some people just seem to pick things up and start another life. I cannot do that. Take care xx
Hello Ev
You express my feelings exactly. The smile is a cover up. I get very tired very easily and it is the heaviness of loss. I have been out to lunch with a friend in a similar situation and she seems more lively than me yet she is older. I too cannot pick up life again just trudge through a very altered and unwanted existence.
I am pleased you got reassurance from your psychic. I got twice a year.
You and I sound to have a similar outlook. Take care.
Roslyn
I know how you feel - it is exhausting being this unhappy lol. I have a friend who is already with someone else which is beyond my wildest imagination and a new neighbour who lost her husband less than a year ago and she seems okay compared to how I was at the same time. Best we don’t judge I think as we don’t really know how they are really but I can’t see myself in that position ever. I just pray for some kind of serenity and courage to get through each day and ask my husband to guide me in all things - which is rich because he wasn’t always right when he was alive! Life is bonkers I have just finished dancing round the lounge to Elvis with my husband’s picture in my arms. I hope I have made you smile even for just a second. Take care. Xx
I love Kentucky Rain and not much else from Elvis! What fun you have had. Norman and I did not dance so if I tried that now he would be aghast! I do talk to him all the time though and imagine our conversations and his frustration with me sometimes. When I do DIY I am sure he is guiding me. Good job I watched him being handy around the house as it seems to have rubbed off on me. What I can do with an angled bracket and a rickety garden bench would fill a book! Where has the gentle art of embroidery gone I wonder? Cementing and planing wood and decorating and lagging pipes and cleaning gutters now fill my day and ruin my hands!
I could not imagine being with anyone else either. I am right with my husband and no one else and have no wish to be unfaithful to him or his memory.
It was ‘Are you Lonesome Tonight’ so I wasn’t laughing through it. After Billy died I only listened to Leonard Cohen which was his favourite and I thought was music to slit your wrists to. I watched my husband too as he did everything about the house and the heavy work in the garden. It was an achievement for me to hang a picture as he did the DIY and I did the cooking - it was a good trade. My son helps out a lot now and I also am not slow at paying an expert. I know my husband must be frustrated with me at times for being so desolate and sad but I hope he understands. I can’t imagine sharing precious moments with anyone else ever again. Take care - lots of hand cream… X
OK I shall add hand cream to the shopping list!
I am about to tackle putting up a roller blind within the next week or so.
Emptying my father’s home 80 miles away was hard for me but eventually having got out all his clothes and anything he or I needed or wanted I put in a house clearer and his possessions went to auction. Sad. How I did it I do not know.
For ages I could not listen to any music and now I have to be selective.
My husband did the cooking as he loved doing it so I miss that. My baked beans on toast is nothing like as interesting or edible as his inventive, marinated meals.
Off to cook a piece of steak - only takes ten minutes maximum and I am hungry.
Enjoy and good luck with the blind. I am having lunch this week with a friend who is visiting from Australia. Night x
Do enjoy your lunch. Which part of Australia is your friend from? Do have a lovely time.