Hiya, it’s only 4 months for me since I’ve lost hubby of 36 years. However, it follows death of our only son back in 2017. So you can say that it’s grief over grief…
What the world at large, aka the ones that aren’t in our shoes, need to understand that as recent widow/widower or parents that have lost children, we need a minimum of 3 months after the facts of peace and tranquility to take scores of what the heck happened to discover the why and how and by day-to-day come to terms with the new chapters and challenges of this new life that we need to forge ahead.
Unfortunately, some of us have been dealt a harsher blow by having companies and government thinking that we know all that needs to be tackled and that we can just take the reins and carry on.
Nope, doesn’t work that way. I’m my case, hubby took care of all the particulars and I took care of our daughter. Not being native creates stress and tension that aren’t required in this difficult time. I’d be coping much better if these road blocks hadn’t hindered so much of it.
Hubby and I plus daughter, were just beginning after 5 years to come to terms with the loss of our son. Even though the pandemic has prevented us from getting answers to still unanswered questions regarding what happened to him. Then out of the blue after planning an upcoming summer of DIY and clean up, hubby died unexpectedly and suddenly.
I’ve been alone at home with the munchkins before, as the type of work he did was through contracts. These meant that he was away from home for months in end and communication was by phone only. Mobiles hadn’t taken off yet. So, I took care of the usual from my perspective. Banking, balancing the accounts, paying bills and getting groceries. Teaching our children their ABCs and 123s. Schools weren’t always understanding of the temporary situations.
It wasn’t easy but these past experiences have helped tremendously. It’s dealing with the rest that’s proving difficult. Yesterday, I’ve come to realise how bad I’m doing when my hairbrush after my shower was covered in a lot more hair than usual.
Yes, stress is eating me from the inside out. Sleep is sporadic, 4-5 hours at night, longer if there’s no grass cutting activities outside the windows at 8 am or the construction site across the road is quiet. I manage to catch zzzs during the day, most time out of my control and while watching a good film.
Eating is back to basics, which daughter loves as I can’t bring myself to cook dishes that were son or hubby’s favourites. I’ve had to change shopping habits to other stores to save money and that’s been successful. Lidl and Iceland shops have been lifesavers.
At the end of the day, it’s to consider that we’re only human, that we’ve been through hell and that crying releases stress, anxiety and more. Try to go out once a week, just for a walk around the block, without worrying if there’s enough bread for toast until shopping day.
Sadly, for some of us, the financial aspects are what’s causing the worst upset and make us miss our loved ones even more. Because, at the end of it all, a reassuring smile, a tender kiss on our tears and the words “there, there, it’s all fine, I’ve taken care of it!” is what we dearly wish to hear.
After 48 years of Papa dying, I still wish to see his face with the words on his lips, “I’m proud of you sweetum!” I’ve been through life with an amazing man and best friend and a good life but in the other side of it all the losses I’ve suffered and frankly I’m wondering when I’ll feel better.
My example to cope day-by-day, HM Queen Victoria. Mourning and grief lasts however long is needed. There isn’t a set time and the world out there should stop telling us to pick ourselves off and get in with it. No! We’ll do it in our own time. Blessed be you all we’re together in this circle!