Still Not Coping

I haven’t posted on here for a while because I thought that I was doing ok. Unfortunately that is not the case.

My Husband of 54 years passed away June 2021. Peter was my absolute world as I know many of your Husbands/Partners are to you. Now 14 months on, I seem to be going backwards. So much loneliness, so many tears. I do go out and mix with others, I try to keep busy and I have a wonderful Son and Daughter-in-Law who are wonderful to me, but nothing seems to help. I cannot come to terms that Peter is not coming back. Has this happened to anyone else? The situation is so overwhelming. I do think of others in this situation and am sending my love to you all. Moira


Hi Moira. I am 14 months in and miss my H so much. I am right in the middle of a meltdown. I felt anxious all day and can’t seem to stop the feeling. I am crying and feel I can’t cope. The anxiety frightens me because I don’t seem to know how to stop it. I feel lost and sometimes out of control. I don’t feel safe I’m so fed up of feeling like this. Sending a hug x


Hi Nel, We are feeling so much the same. The anxiety is awful. Not being in the least bit nasty but glad to know I am not the only one. You start to feel as if you are ill. Sending hugs to you xx


A month or two ago I was where you are now. It’s 21months since I lost my darling too. I think it is cycles we go through and I’m not convinced that,I won’t go backwards again. All we can do is continue to go on for our lovely families and how our husbands would want us to. Best wishes x


Please hang in there,it’s been 3 months for me,good days,bad days…….but we’ve got to be strong,and we will all get through the pain,loneliness,heartbreak……it will always be with us,but we need,have to,somehow move forward,slowly but we need to for our own health……take care


After panic attacks last night and having to take two sleeping tablets a lot of anxiety stress and worry I have decided not to go to the yoga now that it has moved. I was just about coping when it was local and gaining more confidence but now I feel I have let myself down. There is a local Pilates class in the school nearby. I will see if I am brave enough to try that. I still managed to walk the dog at the local park but that is all I can manage at the moment x


Hi Moira
My Ian passed away in June 2021, and just like you, I cannot come to terms with what has happened. I just want Ian and my old life back. I’ve tried to build a new life but that is so much harder than it sounds isn’t it when it’s the last thing you want to I do.
I’m having counselling but nothing can change what has happened, how can it. I think family and friends have had enough of me ……

Take care,
X Julie


I’ve had a rare weekend totally on my own, no daughter or her dog Milo visiting as they are away, and had two of the worst nights sleep for ages, endless dreams of my lost love, today is better than yesterday when I was feeling very sorry for myself, even having a few drinks did not help!

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I was the same. Even a couple of drinks didn’t work. Been a little up and down today. I hate weekends. They can be so lonely. Sending a hug littlelegs x


Hi Nel
It is strange how being on your own over a weekend is far worse than during the week. Perhaps it’s because most people will be with their partners and/or family.
After nearly 15 months I still can’t come to terms that this is my future now as it’s so distressing……

How can my life have ended up like this?

Love to all,



I know. It seems surreal that this is now our existence and if we want to to see people we have to arrange it otherwise we wouldn’t see a soul. We had a lovely bubble just watching tv and laughing together. Totally effortless. We took it all for granted and I can’t believe it has all gone. X


Nor can I ! X Julie

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Hi Nel

I’ve been thinking about your last post as what you said resonated with me. Like you, if I didn’t arrange to meet anyone, I wouldn’t see or speak to anyone. That is why it is so upsetting when so called friends have just faded away or don’t reply to texts.

Julie x


I think we have all experienced losing a friend during bereavement but if we are lucky we make new friends, people who really care. I know I have and I’m so grateful. Big hugs.


I think friends put the onus onto us to call them. But it is us who are struggling and it would be good if they realised we don’t feel in the a position to call them and they could maybe realise this and phone. After a certain time people just assume we are coping unfortunately they will only realise this when it happens to them I have had a horrible week and have been to scared to go to yoga since it moved places. My friend who I normally go with just said she would still be going and you know where I am if you need me. I have found yoga sessions near where I live and will go on my own. When I get there I will meet new people. It is rather scary but I am going to give it a try x


Hiya, it’s only 4 months for me since I’ve lost hubby of 36 years. However, it follows death of our only son back in 2017. So you can say that it’s grief over grief…

What the world at large, aka the ones that aren’t in our shoes, need to understand that as recent widow/widower or parents that have lost children, we need a minimum of 3 months after the facts of peace and tranquility to take scores of what the heck happened to discover the why and how and by day-to-day come to terms with the new chapters and challenges of this new life that we need to forge ahead.

Unfortunately, some of us have been dealt a harsher blow by having companies and government thinking that we know all that needs to be tackled and that we can just take the reins and carry on.

Nope, doesn’t work that way. I’m my case, hubby took care of all the particulars and I took care of our daughter. Not being native creates stress and tension that aren’t required in this difficult time. I’d be coping much better if these road blocks hadn’t hindered so much of it.

Hubby and I plus daughter, were just beginning after 5 years to come to terms with the loss of our son. Even though the pandemic has prevented us from getting answers to still unanswered questions regarding what happened to him. Then out of the blue after planning an upcoming summer of DIY and clean up, hubby died unexpectedly and suddenly.

I’ve been alone at home with the munchkins before, as the type of work he did was through contracts. These meant that he was away from home for months in end and communication was by phone only. Mobiles hadn’t taken off yet. So, I took care of the usual from my perspective. Banking, balancing the accounts, paying bills and getting groceries. Teaching our children their ABCs and 123s. Schools weren’t always understanding of the temporary situations.

It wasn’t easy but these past experiences have helped tremendously. It’s dealing with the rest that’s proving difficult. Yesterday, I’ve come to realise how bad I’m doing when my hairbrush after my shower was covered in a lot more hair than usual.

Yes, stress is eating me from the inside out. Sleep is sporadic, 4-5 hours at night, longer if there’s no grass cutting activities outside the windows at 8 am or the construction site across the road is quiet. I manage to catch zzzs during the day, most time out of my control and while watching a good film.

Eating is back to basics, which daughter loves as I can’t bring myself to cook dishes that were son or hubby’s favourites. I’ve had to change shopping habits to other stores to save money and that’s been successful. Lidl and Iceland shops have been lifesavers.

At the end of the day, it’s to consider that we’re only human, that we’ve been through hell and that crying releases stress, anxiety and more. Try to go out once a week, just for a walk around the block, without worrying if there’s enough bread for toast until shopping day.

Sadly, for some of us, the financial aspects are what’s causing the worst upset and make us miss our loved ones even more. Because, at the end of it all, a reassuring smile, a tender kiss on our tears and the words “there, there, it’s all fine, I’ve taken care of it!” is what we dearly wish to hear.

After 48 years of Papa dying, I still wish to see his face with the words on his lips, “I’m proud of you sweetum!” I’ve been through life with an amazing man and best friend and a good life but in the other side of it all the losses I’ve suffered and frankly I’m wondering when I’ll feel better.

My example to cope day-by-day, HM Queen Victoria. Mourning and grief lasts however long is needed. There isn’t a set time and the world out there should stop telling us to pick ourselves off and get in with it. No! We’ll do it in our own time. Blessed be you all we’re together in this circle!


MoGreg1, I could have written your email myself. I haven’t been on here for some time. I thought I’d try a different tack - not talking about it. No, that didn’t really help either. The process we go through just plateaus. I’ve had covid, so spent the last three weeks totally fatigued. However, I’ve given into it and just gone to bed. I do feel more able to cope after the rest. I do try to keep myself occupied. This must sound very boring, it is. I used took forward to so many things. My Jim was a real live wire and never a dull day. This is why I’m finding it so hard. To me he was invincible and it just broke me to see him so fragile at the end. Everything is the same now, as if there’s a grey filter over everything. The pain is always there. I thought twice about writing this. You are not alone, I mean in your feelings. Life is moving on around us but we are standing still in time. I hope one day we can see a point to it all. Perhaps we can comfort others, in our odd way. Bereaved people are more understood by those who have had same experiences, I think. Best wishes to all.


I know how you feel. I feel as though I am a spectator in life. I feel no joy and am glad if I have gone out to be at home. I have thought a lot about my husband over the past week. It’s been a very odd and emotional week. I feel this constant sadness that never goes away. Life feels unbearable sometimes x


You mention having a grey filter over everything, as a photographer I would call it a neutral density filter that come in different shades! Someone recently put up that it’s like being in a fog, a very accurate way to put all our lives at the moment x


I agree with all you say, I definitely feel other bereaved people can help each other better. After 21 months I have just had a really bad day for some unknown reason, I walked through my local town struggling not to cry. I’ve managed to get home without breaking down. I have to just put a smile on my face and think tomorrow is going to be better. It’s all I can do. Best wishes to all struggling at this horrid time.