Still not coping

I lost my husband lover best friend 9 months ago with sepsis in 2 days. I cry constantly and cannot believe I will never see John again? I go out daily as cannot stand being alone. I have never been on my own ever and was married for 62yrs. I have joined all kind of things to do but still I am lonely. I don’t eat properly l don’t want to cook like I did got us both. People say how well I am doing and it will take time but I feel I am going backwards instead of forwards? I don’t like this new life and don’t think I can do it really don’t?

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Hi bel. I feel the same after 5 months. Keep wondering is it natural to be so weepy. I’m not cooking or eating properly either.
Lilypetal

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Hi lily. So sorry it’s so hard. I’m trying hard to find friends as John and I did everything together we didn’t need friends as such? I even put add in library to ask ladies in same situation to meet for a cuppa but not been successful so far?

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Hi bel. I have a great family network but still so lonely without him. I have a few friends but none of them are on their own. I have started going for walks on my own on fine days. I go out on a Wed. Afternoon with a friend. We like to go for a walk but if weather bad we go to a garden centre or something. Hope you find someone in your area to have a cuppa with. X

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Hi Bel, so sorry to hear how low and lonely you’re feeling. It sounds like you’ve done so much to try to build a new life since losing your husband after so many years of marriage. I thinks it’s amazing that you’ve taken on so much but understand it doesn’t fill the emptiness in your heart.
It’s just over six months since my husband died after 53 years married. This last week my thoughts have been so much like yours. I try to be out as much as possible.I can’t be bothered to cook most of the time and if I do l like tonight , I just sit looking at it with tears in my eyes remembering all the wonderful mealtimes we used to share. I think it’s easier not to cook then I don’t have to remember those good times.
After six months of mostly lonely nights I just keep thinking this is the rest of my life I don’t think I can keep doing this but don’t see how it can be any different . Even with the best of will I think family and friends don’t really understand and probably think I’m coping better now and I’m not but feel there’s no point telling them as there’s nothing they can say or do to change things. They do support me but they can’t take away the ache I feel inside.
Sorry my reply is not really helpful but you know you’re not alone. It would be wonderful if someone did have an answer .
Xx

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Hi sadone. Thank you for your thoughts. I just don’t think it’s getting any easier in fact I feel I am going backwards. I go out daily to line dance sequence dance and bereavement group. Been to libraries to see what I can join and to age concern who have given me more options to try? But I am still alone and :frowning: lonely. All the things I join have been established for some time and all have friends and partners. I walk around the shops like a zombie then come home to empty house. I have tv on and couldn’t tell you what’s on as I can’t concentrate… I don’t know what my role in life is anymore as always looked after someone? I don’t even know what I like myself in food as I did everything for my husband now he’s gone I don’t like anything I cooked or ate? Bel x

Hi Bel, I tried replying earlier but think something wrong with website it just wouldn’t send!! I’ll try again.
Reading your post is like reading my own thoughts. I prefer to be out as much as possible ‘walking the streets’ is how I think of it. I often end up in local Waitrose which is small, friendly staff and not busy. I wander round thinking what to buy and not remembering how I used to cook even chicken for example so usually end up with a ready meal which again I often don’t eat.
We always cooked meals from scratch no ready meals or takeaways, I think my husband would be horrified to see what I eat now. Mainly cheese and biscuits, biscuits and bread . I aim to improve.
He used to love cooking and weekends especially he would make a wonderful gourmet type of meal we would have with wine and music and togetherness. It used to seem routine though I now know it wasn’t , what wouldn’t I give to have that routine back.

It’s good you’ve joined so many things, I think it can take a while to integrate . If you stick at it others will join after you and you’ll no longer be the newbie and you can welcome them in.
I had been going to a local Walk for Health group which I stopped when my husband got his diagnosis and restarted 3 months after he died. I vaguely knew a few people before but since restarting a couple have now become friends and we meet up for coffee sometimes in between. The walk I do is an hour and not too strenuous and we have coffee afterwards. A mixed group and nice to walk and chat, maybe you have one in your area I think its associated with NHS you’ll be able to Google it.

Like you I don’t know what my role is now after looking after others all my life. I’ll tell you what I’ve been told and that is it’s time to look after myself, but not finding that easy really it still comes back to what’s the point.
I think I need to stop being so introspective in my grief as it’s maybe self perpetuating and try to be more involved with volunteering etc. then maybe moving forward might come more naturally though don’t know if that would overcome lonely nights.

I live in the South East by the coast, no snow here a cold, bright, sunny day so I’m wrapping up and going for a walk by the sea .

I hope you have a pleasant day, I’ll be thinking of you
Xxx

Dear bel

Just having a really bad day missing my beloved husband, best friend and soulmate. Checked my emails and an email from sue Ryder linked a thread to your e mail and you put into words exactly how I am feeling. I lost my husband in April last year 3 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. He was my life, my best friend and my reason for being. Since his passing I have been, lost, lonely and so missing my best friend. We did not need anyone else we were everything to each other. I get up each morning and wonder how do I get through another day ? I also hate being on my own. I put on a mask each day. Pretend I am coping but each night cry myself to sleep. Like you I don’t eat properly I am a good cook but have no interest in cooking just for me. I feel for you and pray that one day we will find peace but until I am with my lovely husband I doubt it

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I lost my beloved husband of 51 years in September last year.
He was involved in a road accident with an articulated lorry. He was fit and active
for his age, only days earlier we had been in Whitby fossil hunting. We had so many
ideas for the spring and summer to come. But it all ended on that one afternoon.
I am like you, I can’t stop the tears. On my own in doors I am not so bad, but out in public as soon as anyone speaks to me do the tears flow.
We did everything together… We travelled a great deal, had good friends in many parts of the country, but when at home my love preferred to stay in tending the garden and veggy patch etc… So now I know almost no one around here.
There are several couples who we were friends with and that’s it.
I am so lonely, there have been times when I screamed. I once tried an evening ladies group but felt a complete outsider, so have not been back.
I have made Internet friends with a charming lady like us , living down south, who I hope to meet in the not to distant furture…
I am in South Lincolnshire, if anyone is near I would be happy to meet up…
It is just a thought. Take care…

I’m felling the same way.I have my youngest Daugther ,she’s into faith healing.I went with her and her friend .There was a reading for all than the speaker said to me .Lilian said thank u for looking after my son. I was that ,I can’t explain blank nothing click .All I was thinking is Where is he .Is he angry ,I didn’t do enough ,I felt so hurt and thought ,he should be here not me. My DAUGTHERS get me to cook like there Dad ,special stew.I tried it’s not the same. I’ve join the group playing cards and Domino,most of us are widows.I look around everyone of us has lost that spark .Now I’ve join here to find hope ,to what life has dealt us.

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Sorry there is some mistakes in my reply as my tears are all over the screen.

If anyone is Dorset based I would love to meet up as totally lonely x

Reading your message ,we are both in the same way.my husband passed away 7 months 27th .july. Kidney failure ,and heart Diease.had his leg apputate,one left .He fought for three weeks ,he didn’t want to leave us. But at the end his health went down.like you we didn’t have friends. We went everywhere together ,NZ,Aus ,and tour around lovely Britain.Ill be thinking of everything I read and help .hoping this will help us both. Xxx

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Hello Bel
I lost my husband 3 months ago and I really feel your pain.
I was married 36years and its really difficult for me in that time!!
I have managed to get myself back to work just to be with people again it was cracking me up being alone in the house all day!
I did go out for coffee and went to town.
Do you have any children??? I have a 34 year old son who is in the forces so I don’t see him as much as I would like to it is really hard because you need family with you but they have their lives.

I totally understand what you mean about cooking! I hate cooking anyway so to cook for 1 and to sit alone and eat it is horrendous I hate it I try to eat if I’m out or have meals for one in freezer.

Im sure your not going backwards I have cryed alot this week certain things set me off and if it wasn’t due to negligence my husband would still be here and that really make me feel sick!!!
I am grieving plus trying to sort out a negligence claim it can’t get any worse for me!!!
I feel lonely even with people around me too but we are going through a very long tunnel and there is light at the end of it but we have to get there first and it is going to take a long time I think.

Sending you lots of love and hugs you are stronger than you think just think of the tunnel and you will come out of the other end one day xxx

Remember little steps turn into bigger steps xx

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I have three girls ,one lives in Australia ,Perth and the other two live near me. Unfortunately it hit one of my daughter in health bad ,We discovered she has the Same ,heart disease as her Dad,She has been put under specialist ,So it’s very hard for her to cope .My youngest who’s been everything ,her Dads helper with paperwork ,helper and best friend and his sidekick. She said going back to work has helped her as all her workmates are in the same situation as us. So she copes with both of us to be positive and to show Dad we can do it and make him proud.This is why I’m on here to get help and people like I can talk to as you know my fellings.

Sorry here looking for help for myself and my family. As I know I’m pulling them down and I want them to enjoy their partners as I did. But I’m stopping them as there worried. .I don’t want to be here .

Where are you Bel? My husband if nearly 30 years passed away from sepsis last February. It’s just terrible to cope with it.

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Hello. I lost my lovely husband and soulmate 3 months ago. I feel that I have reached a sort of plateau and I know what you mean when you say you feel you’re going backwards. Some days are better than others but I still cry everyday and some days just sob until I’m exhausted.

I have amazing family and friends but I’m so lonely without him. It’s not a physical loneliness it’s the loneliness of not feeling complete. Phil worked away a lot but I never felt lonely when he wasn’t at home because I always knew he was with me in spirit. I don’t suppose the loneliness will ever go away but I hope i can learn to live with it.

I’m so grateful to everyone for sharing their feelings on here. It’s good to know that we’re not on this awful journey on our own.

Hi Sadone I can so relate to what you are saying. I too am not eating very healthily and I used to be so fussy about eating good food from start. I just knock anything together now. I do make a saucepan of stew and get about three meals out of it. Not so bad. We certainly didn’t eat ready meals, they was banned from our house, now I find them convenient occasionally. After being a health freak I have taken to eating biscuits, cake, sweets and sometimes not bothering with a meal. So unlike me. I used to go to the gym but haven’t been for an age. Frightened of breaking down and making an idiot of myself as Brian used to come with me sometimes. He wasn’t too keen though.so not as dedicated as me. I thought of going and really working hard and perhaps my heart would give out.
We have health walks by us as well. I am a member of the ramblers though and used to doing the longer walks most of the time. Haven’t been for a while but will try it again when the weather improves, not much interested in struggling through mud these days but I do recommend the health walks. I do however walk a few miles everyday with my dogs. I think we must live very near to each other. I am also in the S/E and as you say, no snow and a lovely sunny day on Sunday the 3rd. I went to my allotment and spent 6 hours there as it was too nice to go home. I also walk by the sea and today my little terrier found a fish that must have been as big as him. He took off up the road with it, as he knew I would take it off him. Fortunately I caught him when some walkers stopped him and I was able to take his fish off him.
Personally I don’t want to start joining things and feeling like a fish out of water. I want to be happy with myself and then take it slowly and find things that really interest me. At the moment I have our two allotments and I walk a great deal. I will start going to the gym again soon. I would like to do something that I can include my dogs in, although I used to foster dogs that’s how I got my terrier and my other dog out of a dog pound. Don’t like leaving them too much, such loyal companions.

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