Still not real

Our daughter passed away last April, 5 months ago. She was bi polar and took her own life in a spur of the moment decision, following many nights of no sleep, inadequate medication and a failed crisis phone line. The enormity of losing her grows each day as I try to deal with the knowledge that she should be with us still, if not for failures in the health system we trusted. I feel like a broken record in my mind going round and round - this shouldn’t have happened, oh how can it be true … I have been writing poems and journalling, mainly to try to communicate my feelings and communicate somehow with my darling girl. I find that my ‘senses’ help me - I can see photos and videos of her, I can hear her voice in phone messages, I can smell her lovely perfume … but the one I crave is to touch her, to feel her presence - and this just can’t be. I know that in time I will feel less distressed; but we have an inquest coming up, and possibly a medical negligence claim, and it all feels so overwhelming. We have had to give away and sell all her hard earned possessions, are about to sell the home she worked so hard to buy (on her own). It is so tragic and sad, I feel overwhelmed with the enormity. Sorry to go on … I just needed to say all this to someone.


I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely girl .
I lost my son 10 weeks ago so understand your devastation completed .
The way that our children left us adds so many layers to our traumatic grief .
The why’s are never ending .

I too am struggling to cope so can’t really offer any advice but i wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Somehow we have to find a way to keep going .

We can take some comfort from the threads from people who are much further down the line than us that life does continue .

It’s just different .


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This is so awful amid its so sad to hear how your daughter was failed by a broken system. Death is horrendous in itself but when it could have been preventable I’ve no doubt it makes grief even harder. I do hope, at some point, you get some justice. Keep writing to let those feelings out xx

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Thankyou Tilly 13 - I try to think about other people and how they also have to deal with this heartache. I think no matter how or why you lose your child, no matter what age they were, it is a loss like no other. I hope as time goes by you learn to rebuild your life and to be able to live with all those ‘why?’ questions that we may never know the answers to. I read that “grief is not getting answers but learning to live with the questions” and I think that is what we have to learn to do. It really has helped me to be able to write on this group - thankyou :heart:


That’s really powerful for me personalIy. I always want answers to everything but some things I just won’t get the answers to x


I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my son in March and finding life a struggle. I have had to put his flat on the market, heartbreaking thing to do, but I will never go in there again, too many memories but unfortunately the horrible memory haunts me. I can’t offer really much advice apart from minute by minute is the only way I find. My sons inquest is two weeks tomorrow, just the thought of it puts me in panic mode. Will deal with it on the day. Whatever the outcome doesn’t change anything. Take care xx

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I think when we have lost someone this way, there will always be unanswered questions, more after I saw his computer that he had left locked open the day he walked from this house, the time he had been suffering and not told him, me doubting every life choice I had made for him, had I contributed to his depression. I think it will take time to learn to live with the questions, perhaps after the inquest, or that may raise more questions, who knows


How have you got on today having to drive, been thinking of you xx

@MJG not driven today just been in complete tears all day, cannot cope with the thought of never seeing him again. Support worker from charity came for her 3rd and final visit and suggested I talk to Samaritans at 3am etc when I cannot sleep and having dark thoughts, I was on text to them the night he said he might as well die, they were no use. Husband told her he’s coping and cannot understand why I am stuck and cannot move on, he was my baby, he was in my thoughts everyday for 21 years, Im really panicky now , just thinking what he did. I just want to curl up in a ball

Taff, so sorry you have not had a good day but good you had a charity support worker visit you. Maybe she could help by getting you some more support but I’m not sure who it works sorry. Have you thought about ringing Cruse Bereavement and speaking to someone there. I honestly think men deal with things so different to us, he is grieving just as much as you but in different ways…sorry that’s my thought. I’m not sure if I’m any help with any of this for you but at least we are all able to try and support each other. I can’t even bear to think about never seeing my son again and just do a day at a time, broken into sections. I would have replied earlier but we had our local news on and it came on the news about drug addiction. I ran out of the room in tears and only just calmed down again, Hope you get a bit of sleep tonight, keep messaging and we all try and help xx

@MJG yesterday morning there was an news article about autistic children not getting the mental health support they need. That I think set me off for the day. Think I have just spent the week crying. Hope you are you as good as you can be.

I can’t watch the news . Too many triggers .


I dont really watch it but my husband has it on, i just want peace and quiet

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Yep it only takes one thing and then your mind is in overdrive. Yep the news was my trigger point last night and spent so long crying, today I could cry at anything. Just got back from a swim as I had to get out. I’m back to minute by minute again, I really can’t cope again. I really don’t know how we are meant to cope if I’m honest but guess we will find a way. Take care xx

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@mjg you have the inquest coming up, it will be minute by minute for you x

I’m starting to recognise my trigger points but I was unprepared for it last evening. I’m even starting to panic about the inquest getting closer. At least the coroner office say they have support helpers with myself and partner. It’s ok for him it’s not his son which sounds awful I know. Take care xx

I think unless you have been in this situation , no one can understand our pain, we’ve lost our children, we have lost our futures

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You have completely summed it up. Have you managed to go for a walk today or drive. Take care xx

My husband drove us out at 7,30 this am to our normal park, think he’s accepted that I wont be walking from home yet but I need to do more than 500 steps a day. I also managed to mow the lawn , in tears and slowly but I mowed it, fortunately neighbour mowed the front, and my hanging baskets out front are still alive so I assume they are watering them as well. Though next door having their house and garden remodelled, so i have loud workmen singing that Im finding hard not to throw something at them.

Glad you had a walk and cut the grass. To others that is minimal but to us that’s a huge step forward. Nice your neighbours are watering your pots. I’ve gone back to wanting access to my son’s mobile as I know there are answers in there. Going to ring EE and see if they will help and next time I’m out go to a phone shop see what they say. Take care xx