Still Struggling

I have been following comments on this site for a long time and commenting but never posted my own post. I lost mum and dad 5 days apart Christmas 2021. Lost my brother in 2018. I have no one. No parents , no siblings, no children and no partner. I’ve yet to find anyone in my same situation. Everyone else always has at least one of these. Another sibling or a partner or a child of their own which I believe would ease my grief if I had one of these. Is there anyone on here who is Similar? I suffer from depression and anxiety amongst others. Mum I miss the most. I lived with her in her final years and laid next to her when she passed. I still live in her home. Dad had severe dementia and strokes and was in a home. My brother had Downs Syndrome. I haven’t moved on with my life. I just exist. Had to give up work and money is tight. No one I know really ‘gets’ me. They just seem to move on with their lives after a bereavement. Mum and dad took up my spare time. That’s gone.

8 Likes

Hello @Wanderers100,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your parents and your brother. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.

Take good care,
Alex

1 Like

Thank you. It would be nice to hear from others.

Hi Alex have I uploaded my post correctly? It’s just that no one has responded since your reply yesterday.:purple_heart:

Hi @Wanderers100

Sorry to hear about your losses :heart:

I recently lost my partner, so can relate to how you are feeling. Grief is the worst feeling ever imaginable.

You are not alone, keep reaching out to talk to others. Everyone here is going through grief and are all very supportive.

Do you have friends or family to talk to? Maybe look at grief counselling, it may help you.

Be kind to yourself :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Xx

1 Like

So sorry to hear this. It must be so hard to bear this on your own. Now my mum has gone, I have no siblings, cousins or other wider family but I am lucky that I do have children and a supportive husband. It’s almost impossible I know, but can you try to imagine the life they would have wanted you now to have, and the things you could explore? Whether that’s volunteering, study, travel or just making online friendships, they would be so sorry if you didnt make the most of the love they gave you to forge a life for yourself. There’s no right way to be, but I was touched by the many little kindnesses shown me when I lost my mum. It’s still possible to connect with people and I wish you all the luck in the world as you continue, at your own pace, in life xxx

3 Likes

Thank you so much for your reply. I don’t get many! I do try and get back to some normality but find it very difficult. Some days I do very little and the slightest thing will trigger a memory of mum. It’s like I’m living in a dream and it’s difficult to explain. I’ve worried there’s been something wrong with me. I even had a brain scan in 2022. I know mum and dad wouldn’t have wanted me to be like this but that’s easier said than done.:purple_heart:

3 Likes

@Wanderers100 don’t be too hard on yourself, you have been through a lot of loss and this changes us. From what I’ve read you seem a bit “stuck”, which is a place I found myself too in the last year (lost my dear mum a year ago). Even though I have a close sibling and partner and child, it’s still possible to feel a alone and lost as deep grief has this impact. Grief is so isolating for anyone, even those that have support. I suggest you try and connect with others who are grieving (there are actually things called “grief cafes” would you believe), also perhaps speak to your doctor to see if they can help refer you for counselling as this could sounds like prolonged grief (which is what I had/have). Wishing you all the best and give yourself some compassion. :heart:

2 Likes

@Wanderers100 i lost my dad in 2021 and my mum passed away on Friday (31/5). I find myself lost and also lonely.

I have no friends but I do have a sister who I am close to. She has a boyfriend but I don’t. Eventually when things settle down for us she will go back to spending weekends and holidays with him and so she should. We both lived with mum so I will need to adjust to spending a lot of time on my own. My sister said before we lost mum that I need to get myself on a dating site otherwise I will end up a spinster! She didn’t mean anything nasty by it, just that I need to have a life of my own. Sorting out my mums estate has left me a bit numb to it all as I have that to focus on.

I wanted to comment on your post so you know you are not alone. I have sat and thought about what I need to do with my life when the grief becomes bearable. It’s not just losing my mum that I am grappling with but how ill she was at the end of her life.

I have some ideas about what to do to get me out of the house and meeting people. I thought I might share them with you incase they may help. I want to get out walking first, the hospital where I lost mum is surrounded by woodland, it is surprising how many people stop and say hello. I live in the Central Belt of Scotland, there is a group in Edinburgh called “women who walk.” They meet up for walks but also run craft groups, it is all set up for women on their own to turn up and make friends. I fancy trying my hand at learning how to use a pottery wheel, I have found a place in Glasgow who does classes. Not sure how I feel about the dating website thing yet. I tend to attract weird men as it is!!

My sister and I felt so isolated when we visited mum in hospital. We did not get warned how quick our mum would decline and how ill she would become. We would like to find a way to volunteer to support the relatives of patients in hospital. Maybe you could find a way to volunteer for a charity to help you meet people?

I am trying to laugh as much as I can even though it has only been a few day since I lost my mum. She didn’t want me to be sad and was upset at the thought of leaving me and my sister. I very much doubt that your parents and brother would want you to be sad either. So, I set you a challenge, see what ideas you can come up with to meet people when you feel ready.

4 Likes

Wow, that moved me, didn’t come across this post before. Can’t even understand what you are going through, life seems to be unfair but there is some strength in you that you can’t see but I can when you wrote this, you are living that is fighting. I see some wonderful answers that might really help you but trust me you can get out of it and make everyone proud of you and I understand it looks very dark at the moment.

Can you trying going for a walk, or learn yoga and meditation from youtube. I am going to a silent meditation called as Vipassna tom for 10 days it is free but it is in India. Whatever works for you but let me tell you try taking actions, you deserve to live a good live and you are the most wonderful person and tell yourself this is all temporary and you will get better, it is something I tell myself. Take small steps buddy, I am out for 10 days but if you want to DM me and you need a friend or a helper or a person to talk to I will be more than happy to chat with you everyday. I am back on 16th. Please feel free to txt me I will reply for sure and you will get better

2 Likes

There are some lovely replies here. It makes me so sad to see how much we are all struggling but there is hope and support out there. I’ve just woken up and realise all over again (every morning) that mum isn’t here. I can barely grasp it really and I move between despair and hopefulness. But I think there are ways to reach out and become immersed in new things without forgetting about mum or pretending there is no pain. Wishing all of you all the best. Hopefully it helps to know other people do understand and care xx

3 Likes

Hope you are ok @Wanderers100

2 Likes

Thank you. Really been struggling even more these last few days. I have health anxiety amongst everything else and it doesn’t help. The brain plays cruel tricks I’ve found. I still live in my parents house and in a way I guess that doesn’t help. I’ll look at mum’s chair and imagine her still here and then the feelings are just undescribable. I just about function. Sorry to be so down.:purple_heart:

2 Likes

Don’t apologise, its quite natural. My mum lived with us and the chair she always sat in looms really large for us too. Today I felt better in myself but really couldn’t believe that I won’t see her again. She’s been there supporting me so long, it just doesn’t seem possible. Or bearable. She would have enjoyed the programmes about D Day because she could remember it. I’ve sat watching, with half an eye on her seat wondering why she isn’t there.

1 Like

@Wanderers100 i agree with @Magsclar you must never say sorry for being down.

It’s nearly a week now since I lost my mum. I too live in my parent’s house so there are lots of reminders. When I lost my dad 3 years ago seeing dad’s things gave me comfort, in time I am sure you will feel the same. I try to keep their memory alive, my user name on this forum is my dads name (I am Danielle), the fleece he used to wear to do DIY is still hanging up in the porch where he left it and I keep our mugs in the cupboard in the order he did. Now I’ve lost mum I have a photo on the mantel of mum, me and my sister taken on a trip out. The hospital allowed her out for the day three days before she deteriorated. She gave my sister instructions to have it printed and put in a frame for her to have with her in hospital. It was on the table next to her bed when she passed.

We’re all here for you

4 Likes

That reminds me @Malcolm2 that I am collecting photos of my mum to put together in a photobook and also I want a really nice one of her for the living room. We aren’t much into having photos up but I want to be able to see her face and also remember the happy times. I dont know if you would find that too difficult for you @Wanderers100 or whether it would help? Everyone is different. Are there any groups in real life, for example at the library, where you could meet people which might give you a boost?

1 Like

Also, forgive me if I am being too intrusive, but I see there is a Cruse Bereavement line in Buckinghamshire offering support. Have you spoken to them? They may be able to offer additional support. Apologies, I don’t mean to tell you what to do, but just in case it’s helpful to you.

1 Like

@Magsclar that is a lovely idea. My mum didn’t put photos up, they were kept in a box. We will get through, one day at a time.

2 Likes

Thanks, I hope that will be nice. I so miss her being here and want to remember all the closeness.

I feel really weird about it all. I know mum has gone but can’t believe it at the same time. I have spent the last week since her passing sorting out her estate but doing that hasn’t made it sink in really. The grief with mum is totally different to what it was like when I lost my dad. Our brains are such funny things aren’t they? It is true what they say, grief is the price we pay for love. It’s good that we have each other on here

2 Likes