Still Yearning

I went to a wedding yesterday and whilst I managed to smile my way through it, it half killed me. I was there with my son who I love to bits but he’s not my husband. I find that I really can’t do these occasions any longer. I had to go home to see to my dogs but I didn’t return to the evening party. The thought of all those happy couples. It’s not that I begrudge them their happiness, it’s just that it reinforces the lack of my man. I want to walk into the room on my husband’s arm, no one else will do. I think to have witnessed couples dancing and smooching would have finished me off. The yearning goes on and will do forever. Xx

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Well done for going it must have taken a lot of guts.
I too am struggling to socialise at the moment.
The last few months I have really tried to be positive but find I am retreating to my home more often than not. Crowds of people really make me anxious and I tried to push through the nerves and joined in with different things.
I made a conscious decision to stay off this forum and this is my first post for a long time. I just had to reply and let you know that at the moment I’m more comfortable at home with my little dog and agree with you that the yearning is never ending.
My life for the moment will consist of going to work and spending time with my 3 kids and little granddaughter I refuse to put pressure on myself to do things just to let people think I’m ok.
I’m finding I’m becoming very selfish and intolerant which is probably not the best way to cope but it is all I can muster at he moment.
We will be 26 years married tomorrow I say will because I still feel married and can’t see that ever changing.
Please take care

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45 years today for me and I’m still married. Seems a long time ago does Easter Monday 1974 and so much happened since. It’s interesting, William, that you mention becoming more selfish as that’s just how I feel. Maybe it goes with that need for self reliance.
Dancing and smooching… there’s a thought. What was all that about. A few pints easily put paid to that.

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Easter Monday 1981 for us, the 20th, just a few days away, the 1st one without Colette.

YorkshireLad, you have an uncanny knack for making me smile.
William, thanks for your response. I too seem to have become selfish and definitely intolerant. I feel so very different and I have become very unsociable. I no longer enjoy social gatherings at all so I think I must avoid them for the time being. X

Yes, we’re all still married. 27 years for us in May.
Congratulations gentlemen, on your wedding anniversaries, your beautiful girls will be smiling down on you x

Yes selfish and very intolerant I don’t suffer fools like I use to.
I’m not sure this is a good thing going forward but it’s me for now.
I do wish you a happy anniversary as like me I’m sure you remember your wedding day with happy memories.
I will buy some flowers and a bar of dairy milk Margaret’s favourite and a new bone for the dog.
Take care

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Thanks. I wish you the best of days tomorrow. I can only remember fragments of that day 45 years ago, some I will never forget. I did think of buying flowers but then thought why change the habit of a lifetime. I haven’t let today become an ordeal… Just the same sadness as any other day but at least I remembered this year!!

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Hi Kate and William, can I join your club. I too find mixing with people a hardship. Last week at the allotment they had a ‘Get together day’ for the start of the season. How I struggled, ending up going back to my own plot and having a good cry. Now I hate to see the couples working on their plots, just like Brian and I used to. I walk with my head down and it has been pointed out to me. I think I’m just hoping no one will notice me. I’ve never particularly suffered fools gladly so nothing different there. Actually I think I’m a bit more tolerant now as nothing really bothers me as I live in the land of glum, although I can put on a ‘happy’ face for people I meet when out walking.

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I so relate to all your posts, we would have been married 40 years in May, not that the length of time matters it’s the love with in that timescale.
I too can’t stand to see couples holding hands, it hurts.
I so wish I had a religion to give me comfort, however I am a non believer.When I walked into that side ward and saw he had died the “absence” of him was so immediate. The love of my live had gone , I wish I had the faith to think he was somewhere better, but in my muddled mind I hope not because he didn’t want to leave me.
Sorry I am rambling on
I miss him so much

Congratulations William and Yorkshirelad on your wedding anniversaries. Your posts make me smile. ‘Flowers and dairy milk’, William. Good for you. ‘Why change the habit of a lifetime’, Yorkshirelad. Why, indeed. It’s a bit late for that now :slight_smile: My husband and me didn’t send cards to each other either on our Anniversary. In fact the first, and last time we did, was our first wedding anniversary. We both went all out with cards and gifts. The years after that he’d say, a couple of days beforehand, ‘are we bothering with cards this year’ and I’d say ‘obviously not’. Still makes me laugh now as I write this. Birthdays and Christmas were somehow different, we always did on those occasions but, anniversaries we didn’t. My goodness, we laughed our way through our marriage I think. Making it up ad we went along most of the time. I won’t ever wonder why I miss him so much. A bit like Carlsberg…probably the best years of my life :slight_smile:

Hello Pat and what a crappy club it is but it’s always good to hear from you. Welcome to Lancashire lass too, although not sure welcome is the right word. The thing is that all those happy couples have no idea how they make us feel. Nor will they truly appreciate what they have. Nobody knows why I didn’t return to the wedding party yesterday evening except you lovely people. I didn’t tell anyone because nobody could possibly understand, except you lovely people. Xx

cw13, your husband sounds very much like mine. We only did birthday cards. Mind you he often bought me a random bunch of flowers just because. Damn it, I miss him…xx

I got random flowers too, Kate. So random I mostly bought them myself. I’d show him what he’d bought me with one hand as I took a fiver out of his wallet with the other. Yes, damn it, we sure do miss them. Love to you x

Thank you for your kind words.
We also never really celebrated our anniversary as Margaret’s sister died today 15th with a brain aneurysm aged 34. Margaret struggled terribly and it just didn’t seem right to celebrate.
I always bought her some flowers and chocolate which I have done. The flowers are in my living room and the chocolate will go on nightshift with me tomorrow night.
I miss her terribly.
Take care William

Sorry I should’ve said Margaret’s sister died on the 15 April 23 years ago aged 34

Still thinking about the wedding I attended on Sunday. I was seated on a table consisting of a young mother and her three children, a very nice young man in a wheelchair and three other young people (one of them being my son). This may sound unkind but I can’t help thinking that it was a table of spare parts. Whilst I was grateful not to be placed with happy couples, I had nothing in common with any of them (except my son of course). The children were a welcome distraction but once again I was starved of good adult conversation. Am I thinking too deeply? I know I’m not thinking rationally. We used to think as a pair, now I’m only half a person. I am doing ok, I know I’m doing ok but every now and then something comes along to rub our noses in it. Sorry, wallowing in a little self pity but I can’t say this to anyone else. Thanks for listening. Love to you all xx

I don’t think you’re wallowing in self pity you’re just stating facts.
I also miss proper adult conversations my kids are fantastic but it’s not the same as talking to the one person that you could say anything to and they just got it.
I also feel like a spare part even at work people talk about their wives and holiday plans ( as they should) but it feels like I’m totally out of the loop.
Sorry now I’m wallowing.
Take care

Hi Kate
Just your mention of weddings sends me in to trauma. My wife loved them, often for weeks in advance her mind was diverted there. On the other hand I’ve grown to detest them, and that even includes family ones. I used to dread the thought we would get an invitation. We even got invited to one on Cup Final day years ago. Recently it seems to have been a profusion of funerals and there’s no need to put a happy face on there.
Part of my dread is related to being stuck on a table for hours with people that I would cross the street to avoid. I’ve never been good at social niceties, much too selfish for that.
Strangely I quite enjoyed the most recent wedding which was when my daughter married in February, and it occurs to me that I was the only old gimmer there. There was nobody else within 20 years of me and I didn’t feel obliged to make small talk as the conventions were lacking, fortunately. I think I enjoy conversation with young people and find it quite refreshing.
I really struggled to understand what you meant about thinking as a pair, and only being half a person. My wife was very independently minded… she would often take the opposite view to me just for the sake of it.
Going back to how you feel it’s probably just a case of “on any given day…”, just could have been so different on a different day, with no more meaning than that. We probably all get days like that.

Hi everyone. I am also struggling with the whole wedding thing. I had to attend my niece’s wedding last September which was very difficult. I am now facing my nephew’s wedding at the beginning of July and not looking forward to it. It’s wall to wall coupledom at these events which really just rubs my nose in it. This is my family - I avoid functions with his family because I just can’t bear to be around them all without him. We didn’t quite make the 40th anniversary as my husband died 6 months before. It was a hellish day when it arrived.