In march this year my 23 year old son Shawn passed away. From that moment life doesnt feel right, I dont feel right. I look at myself and I see the same person but im not. The past 2 years have been the worse of my life but the last 2 weeks of my sons life.. that trauma will never ever leave me. Its been 7 months and I cant eat, sleep, function at all.. im trying hard for my other children and grandchildren but failing. All I can think about is Shawn… did I do enough? Did I love enough? Did he know how much I love him? Should I have done more from when he got ill? If I had would the outcome be different? My mind is tormenting me. Lately it feels like im drowning every day and I cant breathe. All this and the truth of it all is im struggling to navigate this all and would welcome any advice
Hello @Netty461,
I can see that you’re new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Shawn, earlier this year that brings you here.
You mentioned that you feel like you’re not the same person, and it sounds like you’ve been through an incredibly traumatic time. You also said that you keep having thoughts about whether you could have done anything differently, and this is something that many bereaved parents on the community will be able to relate to.
I wanted to share some sources of support that might help you right now.
-
Child Bereavement UK support families with the loss of a child. They also support bereaved children. You can call their helpline on 0800 02 888 40.
-
The Compassionate Friends support families who have lost a child of any age. They have a grief companion scheme where you can get 1-1 support from another bereaved parent. You can call them on 0345 123 2304.
Sue Ryder also has some resources which can help you cope with grief.
-
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
-
Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
We also have a long-running thread in the ‘Losing a child’ category where people who have lost children of all ages are supporting each other here in case you’d find it helpful to connect with others who understand what you’re experiencing.
Thank you again for sharing - please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Harriet
I’m so sorry for your pain. Grief dose change you that is true. I don’t know the exact circumstances your lovely son passed but I lost my husband after a short mental illness. The trauma was horrendous .talking to smaritain when I was feeling the worst helped. Just been able to say what your thinking. I then got grief counselling which I continue to get.
The one thing I learned is to forgive yourself. Its easier to think in hindsight what you may have done things differently. But that’s not real life. I’m sure its not because you didn’t love your son enough and he would know that its hard but try to stop torturing yourself your son wouldn’t want that. The hardest thing is feeling you let someone down you love so much. But some things are sometimes taken out our hands no matter how much you love them.
Keep reaching out and you will find your not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Be kind to yourself 
Hello Netty461, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son, Shawn. I lost my son, Luke, too. It’s not surprising that things don’t feel right and that you feel different. Grief can make everything feel so wrong, confusing and unreal. Our feelings can change so quickly that it’s difficult to keep up with them. I also feel that I should have done more, or somehow seen the pain my son was in. I think it’s very normal for a parent to feel this way. Please keep talking about Shawn and sharing how you’re feeling. His life and his memory matter. Are you able to share more about shawn, what was he like? Please try to reach out to some of the support services Harriet has listed. We all need as much support and kindness as we can get.
Sending you love and hugs 
Thank you for replying.. im not quite sure how this works yet.
Id like to start by saying im sorry for your loss. My son Shawn was diagnosed at 21 with rhabdomyosarcoma which was stage 4 terminal. His oncologist assured us terminal is not a death sentence. He reacted well to chemotherapy and also to radiotherapy so in April 2025 we was told he was as close to ‘remission ‘ as he could get some we started breathing again, started living. Then in October 2025 shawn was called into the hospital for a “make it right’ meeting. In this meeting, to which he went alone, they told him an investigation had been triggered into his care as something may have gone wrong and sorry but the cancer is back. In January 2026 we was told the treatment was no longer working and he had 8 weeks… He dies exactly8 weeks later on the 2nd march, his dads birthday. The investigationhad not been completed beforehe passed but has since been completedto which the hospital has admitted 4 different breaches in his care and is going onto a further investigation now. Shawn’s last 2 weeks, wot he went through, wot we all went through will be with me forever but I also feel let down by the people who was supposed to help. Sorry again for the rate
I’m so sorry. My husband had problems with his care also. His death went to inquest and leaning what happened and what could have been changed was horrendous. It was like loosing him all over again. I don’t know if things had been done differently it would have had a different outcome. But I do believe you need answers. It won’t bring him back but hopefully help you to start process things . Its certainly not because you did anything wrong.. I do believe the professional did the best they could with all the pressure there under in my husband care.I’m not saying it will be the same in your son case and where possible things should be learned . I hope you find your answers which will help you find some peace .
Im sorry you’ve had a similar journey. Atm all i know is 2 changes have been put in place already to stop this from happening to anybody else. We are waiting to hear if these breaches caused Shawn any harm, if it altered his journey pathway or limited his choices to other medication. Im sat here thinking I should have asked more been involved more but I was involved as much as my son would allow he was 21 an adult here. Shawn was very protective over his family so no matter what he went through or what he faced he smiled, he was optimistic he fought so hard.. i miss him so much. I have 5 children (shawn included of course) me and Shawn we was the same person thats why nothing feels right because since he left literally half of me left with him and I feel im just surviving the days through gritted teeth. Shawn wanted to pass at home so of course we honoured his wishes.. his last 2 weeks, the quick decline, the death rattle and his face after he passed i cant get that out of my head. Its been 7 months and when I close my eyes I see and hear that… I just wanna see my boy
I’m so sorry, and thank you for sharing. Lyn03 is right when she says that you need answers. My son was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and had been receiving mental health care for many years. I went through the inquest process this year, and having some answers has helped me begin to process and understand more about my son’s mental health care. I truly hope you’re able to get the answers you need too. Sending you love and strength
Thank you 
Hi Netty 461,
Your not alone, everything you have written is, normal,( in the sense of what we have experienced as a parent loosing an adult child in their 20,s ) i say that because, its difficult for people to understand, same question OMG what “happened to your son/ daughter”? Then there not interested. Just another statistic its not there problem, and the reflection is on us as a parent, where did it go wrong. Like you my ex husband left us, divorced me, affected my daughter so much.
You have done nothing wrong. Its tough I know, four years on for me on 5th Nov my daughter was 24.
It does get easier as time passes, you learn to adjust.