I lost my Dad to kidney cancer at the end of February - he also passed in a hospice. I am struggling. I either pretend its not true or I find it physically hurts, which I wasn’t prepared for, I cant believe how much it hurts, sometimes I think I will never stop crying. I ran pretty muddy last week for my dad, I found it emotionally horrific but I am glad I did it; I raised £600 in 48 hours as I kept it quiet till the last minute. it doesn’t help though, he feels so far away, no one understands. I have friends, a great husband and a great family but I am so lonely. I miss him so much, we got on so well, we would speak at least once a day, usually three times about everything and anything, kids, work, politics, tv - you name it.
My Dad didn’t want to die, he wanted to live.
we got told it was terminal on Christmas eve, we had a weird surreal Christmas day- originally we were not planning to see my parents until boxing day, as for years we had been planning to surprise our children with their gift if a Disneyworld holiday, we still did but I cried all the way through it. we drove to my parents house in silence and every few minutes one of us left the room to breakdown.
My Dad was sucha good person, he worked his whole life, dedicated his life to serve others; I cnt get my head around why. I no longer know why we are here, I struggle with purpose. I wish I could see him in my dreams or feel him close, but I don’t, I am just alone and lost and in pain.