struggling with losing my dad

Coping with bereavement
#1

hi,

my dad died feb this year of lung cancer… he had a long 4 year fight and fought well he did but in the end a brain tumor defeated him… i guess i just need someone to talk to , i feel im upsetting people on my facebook talking about him all the time… i played a big part in his care in those years and feel so sad and lost now… my new relationship also broke down and now i find at night when my children go to bed is the worst feeling… i never felt pain like this before and am struggling… i have a few regrets that we couldnt give him his wish of dying at home… my hearts just so broken . thank you for reading x lyndsey

#2

Hi, I’m sorry for the loss of your dad I lost my mum from cancer in may this year I cared for her intensely and we were so so close peas in a pod . She died in a hospice and I stayed with her 24/7 for the month while she was there we also did live together she was my world and I like you are heartbroken beyond words it’s a pain that you just can’t describe and a hour can seem forever let alone a day I don’t know how I’ve made it this far denial and shock I suppose but the longer it goes on the missing her is really starting to become raw and really hit hard . I am on my own and in home shared together so reminders everywhere . It getsvery lonely and overwhelming but at the same time I don’t want to face people as I just feel so awful and they are not going through losing there mum and it’s like there in another world maybe you feel that too? I’ve gone on a lot bout myself didn’t mean to just trying to express that you are not alone in your grief and that if ever you want to chat then please do i really do understand the pain of losing the person you love so much. I just can’t imagine life without mum I just painfully miss her I just want to hug her tell her I love her again and again I guess you would love that with your dad as well . Grief is like a living nightmare hell . And cancer is such a evil illness . Life is very unfair and cruel. Sorry I hope I haven’t made you feel worse. Sending out love and hugs and here if you ever wana chat get things off your chest. With love. Tray x

1 Like
#3

thank you for your reply, im so sorry that u list your mum big hugs… my dad died in the hospice too but we struggled to get him a place and the hospital put my dad in a hortibke care home after a week he got an infection and was sent back to hospital… when he was sent back i refused him to go back to that home and he finally got a bed in the hospice where he died 4 days later… he was so sad in that last 3 weeks and i feel i let him down… we all tried to care for him but being a single mum wasnt as possible ad id wanted… just have lots of regrets… he was such a great spirit and loved by everyone he met… its hard isnt it quite possibly the worst pain in the world x

#4

sorry about the awful typos lol

#5

Hi . No worrys bout typos I’m dyslexic so I can struggle. I feel with loved ones you always question if u could of done more and guilt I think it’s a natural part of grief and love. You sound like a very loving daughter and he would of known that so try not to be so hard on yourself I know that’s easier said than done!! You were there for him and shown your love and care and that would have been such a comfort. Do you have much family brothers sisters? . I talk to my mum everyday nearly always through tears sometimes howling it’s so painful I carry her in my heart and soul with me every sec every day. The pain of missing her is the worst pain in the world and beyond!! It’s just gutting. I just want her back but well. Again life very unfair cruel . Sending you love . Tray x

#6

i have 2 sisters and a brother but only close to one of them cus since he died weve all distanced ourselves … what about yourself?

im feeling quite aggressive today snapping at everyone and my children are at there dads so will be going back to an empty house later which never helps…

i dont know bout u but i want to talk about him everyday post his pics on my stuff but theres always someone whos got issues with it so now i feel im just talking to myself about it., i just wish i could talk to him so he could tell me hes okay.

trying to put a brave face on and to be honest im feeling quite low

#7

and howl away hun if it makes u feel better

#8

Hi . Again if it helps I’m also feeling very low I am seeing my gp every week to two weeks and luckily he is very good dr he was also my mums gp so knows all the history of the situation I’m also receiving other medical help due to being so low and overwhelmed. Maybe something that might help you ? Just a thought. I have 2 sisters did have 3 but she died 7 years ago to leukemia so that was a tough time and I lost my dad 2 years later. I am not close to my sisters I love them but one said some very hurtful things and now struggle to trust her and other things. I wish we were closer but that’s how it is. I was the one who nursed my mum but would do it all again for hundred years if that was asked of me so to speak. It was gutting to see my mum deteriote daily it killed me inside still does leaves you with horrible memories do you get that? I also like you get very angry and patience is difficult as you have all the painfully thoughts going on in your mind that it all gets too much doesn’t it and in turn anger is the emotion that can be felt or come out so I do know how you feel if that helps. People who are not in our situation can feel like there are from another world it’s like we are in a different zone place all together. And I know what you mean about just wanting to talk bout your dad I feel the same bout my mum but you feel like you can’t keep saying it to the same people . I’m alone again know that feeling of opening the door to just you although I have got a new puppy so that takes it away a bit but the missing mum is constant pain. Do you do anything to distract yourself well try too?! I’ve been told to always try to have some sort of focus or goal even just a small one such as watching tv prog or reading chapter of book or me I’m trying to think of a creative therapy project making up a meaning full picture collage or whatever as a tribute to mum. I don’t know I’m just throwing out random suggestions that care teams have put forward to me. Do you work at the momment? Supportive friends? But again even with that all you can proply think of is your dad and find it hard to concentrate I know my concentration is very poor. I wish to just to be able to talk to my mum like you do your dad and it makes you so low and angry that you can’t but like I said before I still do talk to her I always want to feel she is with me and tell her I love her and painfully miss her. I think you should still talk to your dad tell him how you feel but only you know if that’s right for you. My mum was only 60 when she died which is young like said life so cruel. Sending you a hug. With love tray xx

#9

tray it sounds like youve had some massive losses. im truly sad for u… my dad was 65 he was such a great human being his death has left a hole in so many peoples hearts.

i have tried to focus on losing weight or going out which takes my mind off it… i think the wordt times are when kids are in bed and im alone…

its all bloody crap isnt it . my dad wanted so much to live even in his last week he still thought he woukd survive…

im going to do muddy race for life and raising money for the hospice and maybe try a half marathon next year all for him.

keep ur spirits up too hun xxxxx

#10

I lost my Dad to kidney cancer at the end of February - he also passed in a hospice. I am struggling. I either pretend its not true or I find it physically hurts, which I wasn’t prepared for, I cant believe how much it hurts, sometimes I think I will never stop crying. I ran pretty muddy last week for my dad, I found it emotionally horrific but I am glad I did it; I raised £600 in 48 hours as I kept it quiet till the last minute. it doesn’t help though, he feels so far away, no one understands. I have friends, a great husband and a great family but I am so lonely. I miss him so much, we got on so well, we would speak at least once a day, usually three times about everything and anything, kids, work, politics, tv - you name it.
My Dad didn’t want to die, he wanted to live.
we got told it was terminal on Christmas eve, we had a weird surreal Christmas day- originally we were not planning to see my parents until boxing day, as for years we had been planning to surprise our children with their gift if a Disneyworld holiday, we still did but I cried all the way through it. we drove to my parents house in silence and every few minutes one of us left the room to breakdown.
My Dad was sucha good person, he worked his whole life, dedicated his life to serve others; I cnt get my head around why. I no longer know why we are here, I struggle with purpose. I wish I could see him in my dreams or feel him close, but I don’t, I am just alone and lost and in pain.

#11

hello mandy,

im really sorry bout your dad i lost my dad 5th feb this year it was a long 4 year battle which ud think would prepare us for it he had lung spine bone cancer and the tumor… like your dad he was so special.,

i have had alot of weird dreams with dad in since he died they are so strange and i wake up crying … people keep saying it will get easier but for me it seems to be getting worse…

big hugs to u x

#12

Yes it is all bloody crap!! You have some positive things to focus on your muddy race for life and raising money for the hospice. Do you mind me asking what hospice your dad was at ? I too would like to do something like that as the hospice relies 90per cent on fundraising it might even be a higher figure and the work they do is amazing. .you also said your dad wanted to still do lots of things that’s like me and my mum we wanted to go away on some little holidays together as we have been through so many bad sad times together but sadly that will never happen which makes me so very sad and angry. My mum like your dad said only a week before she died she still had some get up and go in her to the consultant and she hadn’t ate a thing in 6 weeks! She was such a fighter and a beautiful person a very special mum. It’s so sad. It just kills you inside. It’s good that your kids keep you busy and provide routine and reasons to go on although it must get very tiring and stressful also. Keep up your good work of traing for your muddy race! Again always here anytime you wana chat. Love sent. Tray xx

#13

hi tray. i went for a run today and had a cry on my ex husband lol all a bit emotional these last few days.

it was margate hospice., where was yours

#14

Hi I did reply the other day but as MSG was sending it said my credit went so I don’t know if you received MSG or not?? But well done you for your training every step of the way you are doing it for your dad so that’s such a great thing to do for both you and your dad. My mum was in loros hospice they were all very good and it’s unbelievable that the hospice survives by I think it’s 90 per cent public fundraising and they have to make 7 million a year I think it is or a very high figure and 9/10 of money raised goes to patient care so funding is vital. My mind all over today missing mum so much feel so lost and fragile. Hope you doing ok as can be in this awful time. Keep going with the running training. It’s a great thing you are doing for your dad. With love . Trayx

#15

keep strong one day at a time , todays been an okay day…,

im gonna go for a run tomorrow lol had to take my daughter to hospital today so beeb busy.

how u feeling now

#16

Hi felling so so.pup is keeping me busy and giving me a reason. I can’t remember if I told you I got a puppy? She is 9 weeks old today. Gp and other medical team said and suggested the puppy. I have or did call her Susie Hope . My mum was called Susan so it was in memory and love for her if that makes sense and the hope part as I feel it’s desperately what I need and we all need sometiimes I always used to say to my mum if you have got a bit of hope you have something to hang onto. I’m not sure if Susie is too painfully at the min though I don’t know??. I hope your daughter is ok and keep up with the running! Lots of love. Tray x

#17

Hi Lindsey, Tray and Mandy - can I introduce you to new member MellyMo? She has lost her dad 10 days ago and her first post on the site is here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/lost-my-dad-last-week

#18

Hi, I am sorry for the loss of your dad. I also lost my father in march this year. He died 5 weeks after diagnosis. He was not sick so it came as a shock when we were told he had terminal cancer. I took care of him everyday. He died in the hospice. On top of all this we had a son 3 weeks after he died.
I am currently so lost and exhausted. Having a baby boy plus grieving is something I can’t explain. I feel so angry and unrecognisable. I.always wanted to be a mum and now I feel I can’t enjoy it deserve it.

I always put on a brave face everyday. Turning to a glass of wine most evenings to numb the pain.

Any tips on what could help?

#19

Hi, I am sorry for the loss of your dad. I also lost my father in march this year. He died 5 weeks after diagnosis. He was not sick so it came as a shock when we were told he had terminal cancer. I took care of him everyday. He died in the hospice. On top of all this we had a son 3 weeks after he died.
I am currently so lost and exhausted. Having a baby boy plus grieving is something I can’t explain. I feel so angry and unrecognisable. I.always wanted to be a mum and now I feel I can’t enjoy it deserve it.

I always put on a brave face everyday. Turning to a glass of wine most evenings to numb the pain.

Any tips on what could help?

#20

Hi. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad and so quickly it’s such a lot to get your head around and something that you don’t want to get your head around as it’s so painfully and exhausting.
I lost my mum in may this year I too looked after her 24/7 and stayed with her at the hospice 24/7 so she wasn’t scared and I could care for her and tell her how special she is to me we were so close peas in a pod and I am so lost without her no words can describe the pain of grief and missing her. Sometimes I go into denial as its the only way I think my mind and body cope with it.
You have just had a baby as well which is such a big life change as well for you and you must be so tired from a newborn and full of mixed emotions of love joy heartache anger the list could go on and on I really feel for you you must be so overcome with emotions and so tired and confused. Do you have close family and friends for support? I don’t have children so I can’t really relate or have experience of what you are fully going through but know grief in itself is so exhausting and awfull!!! I really struggle . I have help from gp and so on which I find helpful and supportive and when a whole day seems too much to get through I tell myself to take it hour by hour so it’s less daunting! I don’t know if any of this has helped you but if anything just please know you are not alone in your feelings of loss and anger and all th other weird things that go with grief it’s awfull just hold on to hope and accept any support and help you can and be kind to yourself! With love . Trayxx

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