Struggling with my dad's death

My dad died 5 weeks ago in intensive care. … he had an op for his blocked stoma. We knew from his last op that he struggled with the anesthetic. But he made it. After the op he was in intensive care still sedated. From the Sunday it was done he tried to come round several times but they said he wasn’t strong enough yet. Tuesday we were told his organs were failing and he had pneumonia. Wednesday they were optimistic! Friday we were told his body couldn’t take any more and they switched his life support off. The whole family was there with him.
Since his death I can’t stop crying I’m pushing everyone away and I feel constantly sick.I feel guilty when I do anything that I know he loved doing. I feel absolutely devastated and don’t know how to deal with it. I feel people think I shud be over it by now and aren’t bothered how I feel? I feel that i can’t talk about him because people are thinking. . Here she goes again. I feel like I’m going mad. The more I know I can’t see or speak to him the more I want to.
I have relied on my dad all my life. I have had marriages and partners that have never been there for me and my kids. It was only ever my dad. I miss him so much

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Jules1967 - I’m so sorry for your devastating loss, I know words are of little consolation. I am also sorry that I can’t speak from your perspective as my loss in October was of my Husband not my Dad.I have already lost my Dad when I was younger. I do empathise when you talk about your raised then dashed hopes during treatment as I experienced this. I too understand what you mean about pushing everyone away as I don’t feel I can relate to anyone and have become much more withdrawn over time. I have also developed a strong sense of guilt, like you, that whenever I do something my Husband could have and should have been doing it as well and that really does hurt I know. Try not to let that take hold as I have done as it will cause immense problems later on.
I have not been able to talk much about my Husband as my family basically feel they can’t take much more of me “going on about it” as it’s 22 weeks for goodness sake I know, but those feelings tend to get locked deep inside us when we can’t express them and that is one of the things that can make us feel like we are going mad - I know I feel that way. The sense of loss physically is overwhelming I know.
Your relationship with your Dad sounds like a very strong bond, your lifeline isn’t physically with you and that’s a huge shock. As you have your own children it must be harder as you may just be wanting to curl up in a ball and cry but dont feel able. Just try to get through the day in one piece which I know sounds near impossible and if you feel desperate book into see one of the more sympathetic GP’s in your practice because they are all different. I know I picked one of the older ones that was more likely to have some personal life experience of Bereavement.
Someone with more experience of your specific loss will likely answer with better words of encouragement. Open post or you can always private message, many of us don’t mind private messages. Take care in these early weeks, I know it’s so terribly difficult. Tina.

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Hi jules im very sorry i like Tina cant relate the recent death of your dad .But i fully understand the Intensive Care side of your nightmare (im 57 my wife passed in 2016 on her 41st birthday .2008 3 months in intensive care on a life support machine in a medically induced coma various times after this telling me she wouldnt make it .And 2016 they were right).Am i right the loss of your dad and the intensive care period are still haunting you to say the least ? You can pm me if you wish my memories of intensive care are with me most days Colin

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Sorry to hear about your loss too Colin. Yes it haunts me so much that he was coming round not long after the op when he was in intensive care. He squeezed our hands to answer as he still had that pipe in his throat. Just can’t believe that his organs failed less than 48 hours later. We are waiting for an appointment to see the consultant at the hospital so they can explain what happened properly

Thank you Tina for your kind words. I am also sorry for your loss too…it’s a terrible time isn’t it. I am thinking of going to the doctors but feel they will say it’s only 5 weeks give it time! I really can’t believe how devastated I feel…all I want to do is finish work go home n put my pj’s on and hide from the world… this weekend my mum and me are going to open my caravan up…the first time without my dad. He loved going and I feel so bad that we are going and he isn’t I feel so lost without him. To make it worse I have a rendered wall outside my kichen window and when it rained the other day an image dried on it… the image of my dad after he had passed away…it’s haunting me but friends at work that I have shown the picture to say he’s looking over me…why couldn’t it be a nicer image x

I’m so sorry for your loss. 5 weeks is very early for people to even think about you getting over such a loss. My dad died 10 months ago and I never thought I would function without him. Yet somehow I have muddled through. Those early
Days were horrendous but it does get easier with time. I always think that I haven’t lost my dad it’s just my relationship has changed. Even
Now I go
To ring him
Or message him, that’s how present he is in our lives. You talk about him if it helps your true friends will understand. I’ve lost a lot of friends
Who haven’t supported me over the last 10 months. People are
Embarrassed by other people’s
Grief and just don’t know
What to
Say. Once it happens to them then they are
More
Understanding. Take care of yourself x

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Hi Jules1967,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am not there yet, but any day. My dad is in a hospice and has days left. The pain and grief I feel every day is unbearable and I wonder if I will ever feel normal and okay again. I am staying with my mum for a while to help out and be with her and just being in their house is too painful, seeing his books and music on the shelf, knowing that he will never be here again kills me.
I know from friends that the pain lessens eventually after our loved ones pass. But I know that I will miss him every day. Tears are streaming as I write this. Please message me if you want, I think it helps to talk to others who are feeling the same pain.
xx

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Hi Sammie,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so very sorry to hear that your dad has only days left. I wanted to let you know that we have had a recent post from a user called Louisa, who is in a very similar situation with her mum. If you feel it might help to talk to her, you can read and reply to her post here: http://support.sueryder.org/community/end-life/my-mum-her-final-days

It sounds as though you are doing everything you can to be there for him and your mum, and I’m sure they must appreciate this.

Hya jules so sorry for your loss , i myself felt the same like i was constantly talking about mom & crying i lost mom last may and have been in overdrive since as when i stop working or keeping busy i get down , i have had 6 bereavment counselling sessions and have 4 to go this helps as i can talk and cry about mom without worrying about feeling people are saying here she goes again and thinking that i should be over it , so my advice is get some counselling and keep yourself occupied do things you like plan trips , try plan something nice around the 1st anniversarys so it gives you something nice to focus on , your dad is still with you and dosnt want to see you sad , has difficult as it is you can do this , i lost my mom she was only 66 i should have had her for many years still , ive had moments ive thought of taking my life to be with her but then i think of my children & grandchildren and know that mom wants me to live for them & myself , big hugz sent your way xxx

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Thank you all for your kind words … Ive had a really bad day today again. The tears won’t stop! Don’t know if it’s because it’s my day off work and I’ve just been sitting around thinking about my dad-thinking of what he would have been doing on a lovely day like this.
I feel for you all I really do and it’s true…until it happens to you, you can only imagine what the pain is like…
Every day at the moment still feels like torture…we are still waiting for my dad’s headstone to be sorted… Maybe just maybe when we have had his ashes buried I mite start to accept that he really has gone xx love to u all xx

Jules - sorry you have had a tough day. The nice weather has got to me today as well, as like you, I have been thinking of what my Husband would be doing, he would have loved this. Also a bit of a rough day for me as I won’t be allowed to resume Cruse counselling again like I hoped.

I suppose we have a lot of milestones to get through yet Tina…I dnt even know how you are supposed to cope with it all. why can’t you have counselling are you only allowed so many? X

Hello Jules I had a Cruse counsellor for just two sessions and it was about 2 months after my loss. I was still in shock and she said I came across as negative. Fast forward a few months and I know I am getting worse in some respects and thought I would ask if I could resume the sessions. The same counsellor said she didn’t think it was a good idea due to my previous negative state so she declined to see me. I was quite astounded but just accepted this. Things are hard for us all aren’t they.

That is terrible Tina. … of course you will be negative… I certainly am.hope you can get help elsewhere. . You can message me anytime. I’m in tears now getting everything ready to go and open my caravan up tomorrow. It should have been me my dad and my mum. Now it’s only me and my mum-the thort of this weekend is killing me! God only knows how my mum is feeling He should be with us x

Hi Jules and Tina, my dad passed away this week. He was only in the hospice 3 days. We are all struggling today and to be honest this just feels overwhelming. On top of it all I had to leave my little boy in the States (where I live now) with his daddy while I came home to be with my parents. The funeral won’t be until next Friday now, which means I won’t see him for another week and I miss him so much. Anyway, I know you are both going through this too and feel your pain. I hope opening up the caravan tomorrow brings back a few wonderful memories Jules, and of course there will be a lot of tears.
Samantha

I am so sorry sammie to hear the sad loss of your dad… my heart and thoughts are with you and your family. I don’t know how the weekend is going to go to be honest it will be very bitter sweet. Thank you x

Hi Jules, how was your weekend in the caravan? It’s been a hard weekend for us, trying to do things to get out of the house but struggling all the time.

Hiya the weekend was very emotional for both me and my mum. We shed a lot of tears saying he should be here he should be doing this with us…why why why? The memories came flooding back for my mum as they went so many times a year. I promised myself that I would be strong for my mum but I didn’t do a very good job. She opened up a lot to me how she’s feeling and it made me feel so useless. I suppose that’s another hurdle over. .so many more to come. Thank you for asking and I’m sorry you had a bad weekend too. It really is the worst thing to ever go through x

Hi jules,
Sorry for your loss, I lost my dad on the 5th march. I spent every minute of the 4 days he was in hospital until he took his last breath.
I am frustrated about people telling me how I should be feeling and what I should be doing.
My wife called me selfish on Friday because I picked up dads ashes and just spent the day going to places he liked to go me and him.
I have spoke to my wife numerous times and I feel she is not letting me grieve how I want.

Samantha - I’m so sorry to have read your post and seen that your Dad has passed away, I have only seen this particular post today. I hope you are bearing up as best you can. It’s such a fraught time and an immense struggle to make sense of everything. Warmest regards.

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