I think as well because everyone that was there for me has gone people dont want to whear anymore when i talk about aaron so i suppose i kept everything to myself as people just didnt wabt to know anymore and exoect me to be how i used to be. Im not the same person anymore when aaron died i died xxxx
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I think it’s good to keep talking about our sons, maybe that’s how we can help each other - create a space for us to talk about them, xxxx
Yes i I totally agree i love talking about him even though once i start talking im in complete floods of tears xxxx
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My sisters think I should be better by now, not so grief stricken. I’m sat here on my own without him. How can I not miss him and be sad? I loved that boy more than life itself xxxxxx
People dont understand how we all feel as its not happened to.them. i think thats why once aarons funeral was over one by one they all went and never heard from them for months and when i did get a call they expected me to be this little ray of sunshine and i could ferl.the disappointment in tbeir voice when i said this is not a quick fix and no im not better!!! So one by one i told each of them how i felt about them abandoning me when i needed them the most and never heard from them again. Xxx
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Hi Sue 3p,
I have experienced exactly the same situation.
Including my family as well as so called friends.
They can’t begin to imagine how we feel until,hopefully never,that they have to experience the same pain.
It’s unbearable and devastating because we need them now more than ever.
It’s cruel and unforgivable but they just don’t get it.
We understand how each other feels,they don’t have a clue.
Unity in grief xxx
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Reading your Messages gives me hope and strength , when my son was stabbed to death by a stranger 4 months ago I felt so alone . Bad thoughts consumed my every waking hour . I thought it would get easier but it doesn’t . Friends tell me they understand but I don’t think they can , I don’t know anyone who’s been in my position . I wish it had been me not him, he was 37 years old and so healthy and well . Nothing can justify it to me . His murderer gave himself up and is in custody but because the murder happened abroad whilst my son was on his first ever holiday alone the British police and judicial system tell me nothing . I feel so lost
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Oh cherish this is so truly decastating!! Each and every single one of us is going through so much pain inside. Abandonment. The feeling every single day of complete torture and being thrown into this conplete black pitvof darkness with no light at all. People dont understand how every single one of us feel and it has just proved to me in my situation with losing aaron who is exactly there for me which is ny husband and my 2 other children i have learned many lessons over the last 6 months that friends and family that have left me will never be allowed back in my life again and im so thankful and grateful to have so many people on here that i can talk to about the way that i feel inside and not being made to feel im on my own xxxx
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I think you must be a person of strength and courage to have managed to keep on keeping on in the face of devastating loss. My daughter died 2 years ago and it felt like my heart was ripped out and I struggled to breath. Like most of us on here I had unexpected and cruel responses from some friends and some family. Somehow I’m still alive and I can manage to function. It’s not the life I want, I’m a different person. I think one of the things I’ve learnt is I’m never going to get over it, but in the end I can to learn to live with it. It’s slowly, slowly, minute by minute just carrying on keeping on. That’s a bloody hard thing to do and it’s enough. You are doing that and it takes courage. One of the things that helps me is Compassionate Friends. They are all parents like us and all lost a child. They have meetings in a lot of towns which means you meet others who ‘get it’. They found me a Grief Companion, she lost her boy in 2017, she’s been a rock for me. It’s really very early days for you and the pain must be immense. Coming on here is a help too. It’s a real community. It’s also helped on here to be able to talk to parents who lost children years ago and how they manage. No one who has lost a child has ever said to me they’ve ’got over it’ which is a bit of a relief that I don’t have to try. Someone I hadn’t seen for many years came up to me and said ‘I know all about grief, my friend lost her husband’. She meant well, but she didn’t know what she was talking about. I suppose I should give her credit for at least trying to be sympathetic. She didn’t cross the road to avoid me, which is common. I think some people feel as if our grief might infect them. Our grief makes them feel uneasy so they often say daft, thoughtless things or try and shut us up altogether. I think they don’t know any better. You have all the added issues of justice for your boy and it happening in another country. You are getting through each day, which must take all your strength and you must be exhausted in every way. I’m glad you found this place, you will get honest kind support which you richly deserve. I send you my thoughts and kindness. Just do a moment at a time and don’t expect too much of yourself. You are entitled to grieve for your boy xxxxx
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Cherish, I’m so sorry that you are having to endure this. Grief is always going to be with us, we are still mums, and we’ve all lost someone so precious. Joining this forum has helped me, we’ve all experienced something unimaginable, so know everyone here understands.
Thinking of you and sending love xxx
Thank you both for your kind words , I feel I can’t talk about Neil in life as it drags others who loved him down but I can’t forget either . He was an artist and I have looked and studied every brush stroke in every picture , every tree every leaf knowing how precious the minutes seconds and hours he spent painting them was . I know death is final and can’t bring him back but so many what ifs, what if I had been able to talk him out of his holiday , and a picture in my mind of him excitedly boarding the plane on what was to be his last journey alive . Its not productive I know but I can’t erase these thoughts , at first I couldn’t even remember his childhood , it was like amnesia but slowly it’s coming back , his birthdays family holidays and even his birth , my baby boy . I just don’t like this sadness I feel inside I hope and pray we can all learn to love life again . Its so hard x
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Having the most excruciatingly painful breakdown today it come on when i was walking my dog in rhe fields and ive only just stopped crying. This horrible crushing pain takes over me and brings me to my knees. I very nearly ripped soneones head off when the said im looking better!! I just wanted to get home xxx
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Sorry you are having that kind of day , there’s no rhyme or reason is there ? I can wake up one day and think I’ve got it all together and within an hour be sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t think anyone can really understand what’s inside our heads . The smallest trigger and I know on the days I look better it’s usually because I’ve made a big effort to and to cover up the heartache going on inside . For me I think it’s good to cry it’s like a release in a pressure cooker .
No words to make it better but sending you the biggest of hugs 
Thankyou so much for that really means alot xxxx
I’m so sorry Sue, I feel for you because I know just how hard it is. There’s no escape from the grief and loss, although sometimes we can act as if we’re coping for a bit.
It’s nearly a month since James’s funeral and I have noticed people have gone quiet. I’m never going to get over the loss of my beautiful son, and, how ever well meant, I wish people would keep their advice to themselves.
Maybe it would help talking about our children here?
I tried to upload a photo of James but couldn’t make it work, but he was a very kind young man… this time last year he was in America with his girlfriend who was finishing her Psychology PhD. Sadly she (Nicole) took her own life in early July, just after James had experienced a psychotic breakdown and had to be detained in a psychiatric hospital.
Nicole was due to come over to the UK and live with us once she’d finished her degree, but something happened and she lost her place, plus there was a controlling ex boyfriend involved somewhere too ( he’d appeared when James was still over in the US, saying he was homeless, and imposed himself on them).
James came home and was making a good recovery, he’d gone back to work, was going to a SOBS suicide bereavement group, with me, and there was nothing that worried me the night before he died.
We found him in his room on 16th December - had to perform CPR while we waited for the paramedics, but we couldn’t resuscitate him. There was nothing obvious to say he’d died by suicide, and he had booked a shift at work the day he died.
He’d had a close call one month before, my husband found him, unresponsive, having choked on a nectarine. Luckily the paramedics were able to clear his airway.
We have to wait now for test results to find out why he died…. But whatever the outcome, it won’t bring him back…
All I can think when I go into his room to talk to him is that both he and Nicole should be here planning their happy ever after…. How did everything go so wrong xxxx
At first i thought it was,suicide with aaron as for some strange reason he parked next to a fire station for 2,days and never got out of his small van which i found really strange being an outdoor lad he was a,scaffolder who loved the outdoors.he mentioned suicide quite a,few times to people but never to me that was only when ge used to get so depressed when he couldn’t see his son and that,caused all of his mental and emotional health issues. It was a month before we coukd bury aaron due to CID police reports toxicology etc. The newspapers were trying to find out where ilived and worked to turn up and get a statement as it was all over the news so i had to be protected by CID and my hospital ward and managers had to be notified to let noone near me. I still find it hard to believe all this has happened just over a McDonalds!!!xxxxxx
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I had about 20 people friends as well as some family on my side .i have one person left. And if there is one thing ive learned from this is that they really cared in the first place because i could never ever do that to someone. My counselling does help and i go and see aaron most nights as ge is 5 mins walk from me and talk all the time to him about everything xxxx
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People are always there at first and to be honest at that time when they all went one by one it really hurt. Xxx
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I think it happens to everyone who lost a child. People expect us to ‘move on’ or at least pretend to. We’re grieving and if we could ‘move on’ we would. It’s because we loved our kids that we are grieving. We are entitled to grieve. When my girl died it was 2 or 3 people who gave me support. Not my family who seemed more concerned that I didn’t lie and pretend I was ok. I imagine some people feel slightly bad about dumping me cos I was heartbroken and they felt uncomfortable looking at raw grief. So they disappeared. Shame on them. This seems to be par for the course. Just when we need friend support they turn away. I’ve not followed up on anyone who ran for the hills. Better to have a couple of solid, caring friends than a whole load of ‘acquaintances’ who were only ever fairweather friends. I’ve followed their lead and just ignore em. Xxxxx
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I also lost my 31yr old son on 1st Dec 23 in a RTA.The pain is a different level,i dont ever think i will be myself again.I just have to take baby steps everyday and try the best i can to get through each day.Take care
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