I will never ever go on facebook or any other site again. I just think peooke have such sad lives and thrive on drama and i cannot be around people like that. One of my work colleagues last night said cmon sue its been 7 months you need to let go but its their culture and beliefs that you let go after a certain amount of time but its certainly not mine!!! I know myself i will never get over aarons death no mother ever does and i will mourn him for the rest of ny life and that huge hole inside me will always remain a hole. When i say to peopke when aaron died so did i they look at me in shock but noone ever understands until sonething like this hapoens to them xxxxx
4 Likes
No one can ever know how someone feels after losing a child I keep telling people that its different to losing a parent when your child dies it is like part of you dies with them and you will never forget them you just have to learn to live without them as best as you can. I lost my Luke in July last year and I will never forget him I appear brave on the outside but inside I am missing him terribly. Just live each day as it comes and just try and get through it the best you can. Xx
3 Likes
My husband and I lost our son on the 17th of July last year,he was aged 47 . But he had moderate learning disability ,and he was the Bravest, Kindest person I know, so well loved and liked. He died from secondary bone cancer , they think from gastric all within 3 months .We miss him so much, We have a big picture on the wall ,every now and again I see my husband look at it and he has tears in his eyes.
2 Likes
When I lost Thomas I lost a part of me, I will never be whole again. Now losing his wife too is too much, she must’ve been so tortured about losing him. My heart has been truly broken.
2 Likes
Today im just feeling like is this real or is this just a nightmare that im goung to wake up from!!,nightshifts dont help ive had 4 hours sleep and i akways feel so low and depressed and it just heightens everything what i feel inside. Everything is still so raw not just for me but for every single person and today i just dont want to smile i cant even remember the last time i realky properly smiled or even laughed!!! The only thing that i have accepted is that its goung to be such a very long journey and life without aaron will bever be the same. Just taking one day at a time xxxxxx
2 Likes
Me too, survive one day, escape for some sleep, try and see people each day so I don’t have to be alone, sleep… life has been changed forever: Two beautiful young people who should be here, sharing our home today are no longer here.
It feels like there is no joy in the world, and everything feels pointless. I’d love to understand why this has happened to me, and all of us on this thread, and the only thing I can find is that our boys have achieved the things they were meant to on earth, so there is no need for them to stay…. but I feel so cheated of watching James and Nicole build a life together… and wonder what I have done wrong to be punished in such a terrible way.
I’m not even sure I want things to feel easier, I think the pain is proportional to how much I loved James.
xxxxxx
1 Like
Does everbody find that they sleep alot i dont get up until 10.30 and,could easily go back to bed. My hair has,stopped falling out now i do think ive aged so much with all the stress and the trauma. And then have good intentions of going for a,walk but then cannot be arsed to do anything…i have my hours counselling tomorrow shes very good i just feel grateful that i can soeak on here and pour out ny innermost tboughts xxxxx
2 Likes
Totally Sue, I can’t get out of bed… I’m not sure how I’m going to start work at 8 am next week. I try and listen to an audiobook ( also James Herriot, can’t cope with anything unfamiliar), and hide in bed as long as I can.
I’ve always been a good sleeper, but these days I’m just sleepy and fatigued all the time.
Glad your hair had stopped falling out, stress and grief shows in all kinds of ways. I wouldn’t have been surprised if my hair hadn’t gone completely white overnight- I feel the same, I’ve aged so much in 10 weeks, dark circles like you wouldn’t believe, and forehead deeply lined, put a bit of waterproof mascara on, on a good day, but I don’t think I even care what I look like now. I always made an effort for work, but the enormity of what’s happened makes everything else seem so insignificant now.
Been with a friend today, and she’s found some photos of James as a little boy at her children’s birthday parties… it’s funny because I’m not mourning my little boy, it the adult James I’m grieving- would give anything to turn the clock back a year xxxxx
1 Like
My problem is going to bed, I don’t go up until 2am. I have to be awake for the time Thomas passed, 11.47 at night (it 3:47pm in California). Someone suggested I stop this ritual but I’m not ready to do that yet. Next morning I stay in bed as long as I can, thinking through everything that has happened and trying to find the strength to get up but when I’m up I don’t do much. My husband does the shopping as I can’t leave the house for too long, I’m not ready to see people happily getting on with their lives when my life is torture.
1 Like
Ive only just got up and already want to go back to bed.last night i was reliving that horrific time when the police came to the door. And even looking out of the window for him to pull up in his white van. I see them everywhere like triggers ive only just startied to light candies as that was a trigger with the van fire.i have to close my eyes when i walk past scaffolders as that what he was and they all knew him even though he lived in burton they all knew him. I felt a sense of anger towards his ex the mother of his son for treatibg him so badly over the years which kick started his mental health and for his previous one who kicked him out over a McDonald’s which then led to his death. Whike they are moving forward im not and never will. I have to just let karma sort all that out!! Then i couldnt help look at the,scene of his van abd the headlines all over the news paper body found in burning van the only saving grace was that aaron didnt know and died fron carbon monoxide poisoning and then i think ive been through so much the last 7 months its no wobder im the way that i am xxxxxx
4 Likes
I think we just have to do whatever gets us through the next day. I find a bit of comfort sitting in James’s bedroom ( where he died), talking to him and Nicole, putting the light on and closing the curtains when it gets dark and keeping his room clean and tidy.
Sue, it must be so hard because of the publicity around Aaron’s death… the press don’t consider the feelings of family. I’m dreading there being an inquest about James for the same reason.
Lcc, having things happen so far away is really difficult. When James’s girlfriend took her life last July, I couldn’t get much information about what happened as I hadn’t met her parents and James and Nicole weren’t married. I feel for you.
Sending my love xxx
1 Like
Ive just completely burst into tears by another ridiculous comment my best friends mum messaged and said hope you have a good day i said that last good day i had was before aaron died and then later saying you are allowed to live and go out aaron wouldnt want you being like this!!, i said i know he wouldbt but its only been 7 months!!! Thats the second person tbats said that to me now i realky feel so bloody angry and upset. The only people thst understand is all of you girls and my counsellor i just feel right thats it and only associating with people that understand xxxxx
4 Likes
I sometimes think that people dont realise just how hard it is to get over losing a child whether they are small or older like my son he was 37 he passed in July last year I have been having counselling for the past 12 weeks my last one is next Tuesday. I do feel that it has helped me its not for everyone but it has been good for me to vent my anger about my sons death and the way he was treated by the NHS and I have cried alot reliving his illness and death. Just take each day as it comes and try to ignore the things that people say its only you knows how you feel and gow you deal with your grief. Be kind to yourself sending love hugs and understanding your way Kim x
3 Likes
Its so true .sometimes people dont understand as its not happened to them and believe me sometimes i do feel like saying how would you feel if it happened to you. But i dont. Ive had 9 weeks of counselling now and i think i will carry on with it for as long as i need to. I feel quite angry as well with all the people that left and abandoned me after aarons funeral and thats sonething in time that ill have to accept thats just how some people are. Thanks kim for your support xxxxxx
3 Likes
I ventured out today with my friend to watch pretty woman . It was ok but I don’t seem to enjoy anything the way I used to . My friend who accompanied me lost her daughter over 20 years ago as the result of an accident , she was just 14 years old . She told me you never get over it and it always feels as raw , you just learn to live with it . I felt being with someone who understands really helps and I hope one day to have her perspective and strength, I was proud of myself today I got through a whole day without crying and it was good to get out .
2 Likes
So proud of you cherish you had that strength today to do something and to be with a,friend who gets you and understands how your feeling and what you are going through these are extremely tough times for every single one of us and this joirney we shall go through together and have each others back when we fall xxxxx
2 Likes
It’s hard when people make insensitive comments, I’ve had a couple of “helpful “ suggestions about raising money for charity as a way of honouring James… I can’t even get up in the morning and remember to eat, I’m sure they mean well, but it makes me feel inadequate and useless.
This forum just feels a safe place to be sad, angry and know you’ll be understood xxxx
I think some people just don’t think before they speak. My daughter died 2 years ago and I still get unwanted bad advice from people who think there’s a quick fix recovery from losing a child. There isn’t. Awful as it is the way we feel is ‘normal’. It’s the biggest loss any mum or dad can have. It’s not straightforward grieving because most of us are experiencing trauma on top of loss. I spent a long time hiding in bed and that’s ok and a response to feelings we’ve never experienced before. We have to grieve at our own pace and we can’t “pull ourselves together or ‘move on’ or any of the other cliches people use. We need to grieve. I’ve found over time I can manage to keep my daughter in my heart and do routine stuff at the same time. I’m not fixed and to get this far I’ve had to start to be kind to myself and walk away from people who probably mean well but are just ignorant of how bereft a parent feels. We are all in the club no one wants to join and many people don’t know that just saying ‘I’m so sorry to hear you’ve lost your child and my thoughts are with you’ is ok to say. Unsolicited advice is not required but maybe they think they are helping. You have suffered a deep loss that can’t be fixed but over time we can learn to live with what can’t be changed. We need support and heartfelt kind words. Not being told off by people who don’t know what they are talking about, however well meant. I’ve spent many days in bed and still do sometimes. It’s my bed, my life and my daughter gone. One thing that’s been super helpful is Compassionate Friends. After contacting them it felt like they put their arms around me and stood with me to learn to start the lifelong journey of acceptance. They’ve helped me, not by giving me advice or pretending it’s ok. They have all lost children and they know how it feels. I see mums and dads like me. Through then I get quiet but informed support, and I see others who are further along the road and they are the people i can turn to and in many ways they are role models. I was lucky, they found me a Grief Companion. Another mum like me who lost her child tragically in 2017. She’s walking that grief road with me, and she knows how it feels. Her support has been priceless. I wish you some peace, you deserve it and if you want to spend time in bed that’s fine. It’s slowly, slowly hour by hour and if you can, just do what you must and if you want to do nothing that’s ok too. Sending you hugs xxxx
2 Likes
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s such a tough path. I have had some information sent by Compassionate Friends, I haven’t actually managed to get round to reading it properly yet.
Today is one of those days where I could just sleep and sleep.
xxx
I find I’m exhausted all the time. A close friend was really understanding and said it takes all your energy to grieve, get up in the morning and put your make up on! So true… I was meant to go to see my other son in Bristol today but I just can’t face the journey and trying to be upbeat. I’m very tearful and feeling guilty because I couldn’t make the effort. I find I just don’t care about anything anymore. Its really sad feeling like this all the time.
Thanks to all of you on this forum, we are all trying to find our way on this hideous journey, it is comforting to know that you truly understand because you are living it.
People make stupid, thoughtless comments, I just ignore it now and I have chosen to walk away from people who upset me. Even my own sister was surprised I’m still tearful!
I think people want you to be as you were but let’s face it that is never going to happen, a part of us is broken. Hopefully we will heal, even if we cant be put back together .
Much love to you all. Sending love , strength and kindness xxxxxxx
2 Likes