Hi Jayne,
Bless her 
. She is probably still in shock. It’s hard enough losing her sibling but being there when he passed away I can’t even imagine how traumatic that would have been for you both 
Has she had any counselling or does she have any friends she would open up to?
I have an older son who’s 26. He doesn’t say much about his brother’s death but speaks about daft things he said or did… think he’s still trying to process it. Just very surreal at times.xxx
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It’s true what they say about finding out who’s really there for you during your worst days.
Yes we have support here and we can be honest with each other about how we are feeling without making anyone feel uncomfortable.
It’s lovely that you have a few kind people check up on you. It can mean so much when you’re having a really difficult day. Xxx
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I’m so glad you can read messages now Jayne, this forum feels a very safe place to me. I hope it helps you too xxx
Lean on me is a beautiful song, thanks for recommending it Sue, reading the words makes me feel very emotional.
First day back at work Tuesday, so hoping I can go 7 1/2 hours without getting too upset- the last time I was in was the day before James died so it’s going to be hard not to think about that and mentally turn back the clock.
Take care of yourselves, everyone xxxx
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I will be thinking of you!! Deep breaths ehen you walk in. If it feels too much have a break and take your time. I can remember walking back in the hospital on my very first shift i was anxious and took tome to adjust. If i wanted to have a cry i did do and they understood .xxxxxxx
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I hope your first day back goes as well as can be . I was nervous my first day back but once it was out of the way the rest were easier to get through xxx
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Hi Anne,
My daughter had some counselling with Mind for 12 sessions but to be honest it only really scratched the surface and when she got to the point of opening up it ended.
When put into hours it’s less than a few days in total,in fact sometimes I wonder if it does more harm than good.
Both our children lived with us and my daughter is still with us because she isn’t strong enough to be on her own,bless her.
She so wants to be more independent but recognises that she still needs us at the moment.
It’s agonising watching her struggle with what she wants and what she needs.She has some very supportive friends but she hasn’t opened up to them as yet.
Thank you again for caring,
Much love Jayne x
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Thanks for your kind thoughts. Can’t stop crying today, seem to be having all kinds of memories of things I did when James was little…
My current counsellor is going to refer me for trauma work once our sessions have finished ( she’s offered me 16 instead of 8, she’s so kind and recognises one size doesn’t fit all, thank goodness), because of finding James and like you, Jayne, having to perform CPR until the paramedics arrived. I’m so sorry you and your daughter haven’t had the right support, it still seems to vary so much from place to place.
Really appreciate your advice about returning to work, I was hoping it would help me think of something else, and my colleagues are really really kind, so I can only give it a go
Night night xxx
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You most certainly do find who is there for you and who isent. Most of the time its me myself and I but i suppose ive got so used to it now that once they have gone they can never return back into my life.i didnt sleep last night i cuddled aarons photo all night in bed just so that i could be close to him. I constantly think about him all the time all day everyday and he is the first person that i think about in the morning as soon as i wake up.im going to grab a few hours this morning im back to walking the dog again in the mornings now as my husbands hours have changed. So hes been walked and now having a cofee with a candle lit for aaron so i can talk to him and to ydlk him just how much i love him. Sending love to you all xxxxxxxx
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I pay for my counselling now but thankfully i pay £25 an hour instead of 50 as i only work part time but shes worth every penny. Im still struggling on the unit as regards with patients that have passed and i can no longer go into the room or do last officer’s which is taking them down as a mark of respect. They are to be fair so good with me at work .they gave me a 121 mandatory fire training on zoom as they said it would be too traumatizing for me to sit in a,classroom. I do love my job and love what i do but i do it for aaron as he knew how much i loved it and was always proud of ne xxxxxx
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It’s so so difficult when trauma is involved well done Sue for completing the fire training . Hard as it is we have to encounter every day living which often has triggers and reminders . I struggle even to shop as Neil was stabbed and if someone comes into my space for whatever reason I’m straight into flight mode . I can’t walk past knives , if anyone uses scissors it’s the same . I’ve only just started to use a knife to eat and I have to use ready prepared meat . I can’t touch sharp knives . Went shopping to Bury on Friday and they have the knife Angel statue , made from confiscated knives and it freaked me out . I feel safe talking on here and I’ve told no one else this . I just hope it goes less as it’s making life really difficult. Neil is still the first thought when I wake and the last as my day ends but they’re now nicer thoughts and memories of his childhood which I couldn’t even recall in the early days . I had a total brain block . I guess all these things and the hurt are the price we pay for love and I would never have wanted that love to be any different . Good luck with your return to work Jamie’s mum xx
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Thank you 
, every day throws up different emotions for me.
I’m not surprised the statue traumatised you Cherish, it sounds a really terrible experience. I’m going to have to speak to my manager because there is no way I can renew my basic life support training, which is an annual requirement for my job. It sounds like they only half compromised for you Sue.
Take care, and sending love xxxx
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That’s beautiful Cherish… was art Neil’s main occupation? I’ve just finished watching landscape artist of the year on TV, I can’t paint but I really enjoy looking at paintings.
xxxx
Oh wow thats absolutely stunning and so so beautiful!!! Such a talent!! So creative!!! I absolutely love this xxxxxx
Neil was a designer for a well known tv based company and had done some promotional work for London football clubs , he was a web designer and a fine musician self taught he could play every instrument, he was a self taught artist too , such talent and all gone with the act of a maniac . He was such a gentle soul and the world is a sadder place for not having him here
He drew this car for me too
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Wow, a really talented son, a terrible loss for you, and the future. I think the world always needs more kind gentle people. I’m so sorry xxx
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Beautiful artwork cherish Your son was very talented xxx
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The caretaker where I work approached me as I was leaving and said I hope I don’t think he’s been avoiding me and wanted to let me know he’s thinking of me. I rarely see him but it was very kind of him to say.
I always message James’ phone each morning and night as I used to when he was here. He used to send me daft memes and photos of where he was working. I’d give anything for just one reply but I know it’s never going to happen 
. Hope everyone has had a better day today XX
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Hi Jayne,
It’s heartbreaking watching our children go through what we are and feeling helpless as we can’t make it all better. My eldest is quiet and I worry he’s bottling it all up and it will just hit him one day.
Have you tried compassionate friends? I think they have a sibling support helpline. I sent off for one of their bereavement packs which had some really useful booklets for parents and other family members.
I lost my youngest brother 2 years ago unexpectedly and I struggled to accept he had gone. I was in a bad place but it was only just before my youngest died that I was starting to accept my brother wasn’t coming back 
.
I hope your daughter can find the support she needs or begin to open up to family or friends xxx
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Hi Anne, I’m in touch with Compassionate Friends and I’ve made my daughter a where of the siblings link but she hasn’t felt ready yet.
Time is a great healer I hope and maybe in time she will contact them when she’s ready to.
I find it very helpful and meet up with a lovely lady who lost her son 16 years ago now.
We go walking and I really appreciate her time.
Thank you for caring,
Love Jayne x
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