Perhaps we’re all struggling with a post Mother’s Day effect? It sounds like we’re all finding things especially difficult xxx
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I think we are suffering from mother’s day trauma. It was unbearable that he wasn’t here. I’ve been crying every day since. Feel like I’m going backwards. I carry my sadness with me all the time. I truly can’t bear knowing I will never see him again. I try so hard to make him proud. I get up, put on my makeup , walk the dog. All the time i am crying inside and missing him. It’s unbearable.
Sending love to you all xxxdd
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Yes penny i I totally agree with you i am exactly the same!!!, sometimes i feel like i just cant be arsed with anything any more and goung more withdrawn!! My smile has completely gone .my sense of passion for abuthing has gone. Im just a shell of what i used to be like and i have no idea how to get me back but i dont think i ever will do and thats the only thing i can accept xxxxx
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Yes im totally with you on that one. Sonetimes i feel like i just want to go away for a while in the middle of nowhere a nice cabin by a lake just to think and try to process things xxxxx
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Im just existing until i can be with my lovely boy again. I feel so lost and lonely. I take some comfort from this forum. God bless xxxx
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It does feel like we’re just surviving each day, my life feels grey and pointless, I’m basically pretending to be a functioning person, but I’m not interested in anything and staying in bed all day is a very tempting option.
Penny, your concept of Mothers Day trauma is spot on. I’ve felt even more out of kilter this last week.
3 months today that we found James, unresponsive, in his room.
Thinking of you all, xxx
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Insomnia starting again! Sleep for a few hours then roaming around the house for hours wode awake constantly thinking about aaron. Yes i could sleep all day as well and cant be araed to do absolutely nothing!!! My daughter gave me a bit of a rollicking yesterday and said you must start doing things with dad even going for a walk or something!! I understand what shes saying but im just too tierd and dont have any motivation to do anything apart from walk the dog and go and see aaron. But i have forced myself to warch my otber son jordan do the half marathon at stafford tomorrow xxxxx
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I’ve just gone through all the personal items sent back from Portugal after neil was killed , it’s heartbreaking all his t shirts socks underwear toothbrush even hair gel and a hair brush with his hair still in there . Feel like s@@t now but I’m proud of myself as I know it had to be done. I’m going to donate the clothes to charity as he would only but good clothing and it’s a shame to bin them . Hopefully they can raise a few ££ Neil would have preferred that I’m sure . Does it ever get any easier ? I feel so sad . Hope you are all managing to cope this weekend xx
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Not sleeping is awful, then your mind starts racing and keeps you awake.
You’re walking the dog and working Sue, I think that’s a lot, and you’re doing the best you can… a mum’s grief is different and at least we’re battling on. Please don’t beat yourself up about it Sue.
Hope Jordan does well, I’m impressed by anyone who can run long distances xxxxx
Cherish, that’s really brave… I can’t bring myself to touch any of James things yet. I know he’d like them to be donated where they can do some good, but just getting his passport etc to register his death on the government website upset me so much.
xxxx
All of aarons clothrs were shoved in bin bags by his psycho girlfriend which really upset me and i couldnt bear seeing any of his stuff!! Barry placed them all in suitcases and im keeping everything. Leo had some things of aarons which he sleeps in and to keep for his memory box. Ive even got boxers ans and socks in his cases as well. I know i have all my memories of him but i feel as though by keeping them with me he hasn’t gone totally if that nakes sensei cherish that must have been so hard for you to do sending you all so much love and strength just to get through each day xxxx:heart:
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I’ve had my little cry now and have sorted out some clothes to make some memory bears , I’m going to take one to USA for his brother . I’ve saved some of his favourite t shirts , in fact I have one in the drawer next to my bed and I do hold it close sometimes when I really need a hug . It was hard throwing his underwear away , I would want to keep everything for ever but I know that’s not fair on his siblings to be left to sort once I’ve gone they’ll struggle .
I’m not strong and I’m not brave but I’m very aware of Neil’s siblings worrying about me so I’m just doing my best . I would give anything to have him back I miss him like crazy and I’ve never known emotional pain like this x
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I’m so dreadfully tired but I’ve done nothing. I stayed in bed so late today as there was no point in getting up. The loss of Thomas is so fresh again, think it’s a combination of Mother’s Day and his widow taking her life last month. Plus my eldest has told me his marriage is going through a bad patch. I wonder if he didn’t get therapy after losing his brother last year, he was at Thomas’s bedside for the awful days and when he left us. My family is falling apart and I don’t know what to do, I’m on tenterhooks waiting for the next awful thing to happen.
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LCC try to take one day one hour or even a minute at a time . Life can feel too hard to process everything and some things you just can’t control . I know it’s easy to say and I am trying so hard to do just that myself . Stress takes me to the darkest of places but for me if I stay in bed too long I think too deeply so I try to keep busy . Then I get mentally exhausted and can’t sleep so it’s a vicious circle ( hence my being awake today at 4am after going to bed at 1am )
There’s no answers really but just know we are all there for each other and for me this is the safest place to talk about Neil as I hate my friends and family seeing me so sad .
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Lcc, I’m really sorry things are so hard for you, losing two lovely family members is a double blow. I bet you’re doing your absolute best for your family, even though your broken yourself.
I do agree with Cherish, just facing one day at a time is all I can manage. I very often don’t get up until lunchtime, and try to make sure I’m seeing someone in the afternoon…. then I look forward to going to bed again. It’s like living with an enormous weight tied to your heart.
I like the idea of a memory bear, hopefully later on I’ll be able to look through James’s clothes, but not yet
Sending love and massive hugs to you all today xxxxx
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I keep finding quotes that describe how I’m feeling- I think this sums me up really well so I thought I’d share with you
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To every single one of you im there for all of you every step of the way. We all feel exactly the same pain as each other and we all get each other when everything has fell apart and left us all alone in the dark we have each other to lean on .im sending each and every one of you all my love and total support xxxxx:heart:
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Sitting by aarons grave and i cant actually believe this has all happened!!! I talk away asking why this happened and sometimes still imagine a knock on the door from CID saying we have found aaron. Slept like shit again last night keptvwaking up thinking about aaron and how i wished that i could have gone back in time to try and,change everything!!! Had to sleep this afternoon as i felt so emotionally and mentally worn out. I hate every sunday as he died on a sunday. 8 months today xxxxxx
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Neil died on a Sunday too so I struggle with Sundays . I keep thinking my phone will ring and neil will say he’s no money could I send some for a plane ticket home but I know that’s just blind hope . I miss his voice , his presence his silly sense of humour and poor taste in music . His senseless questions and useless information , I miss his kindness his unique personality I miss absolutely everything about him , but I know I’m not alone and all us mums on here validate my every feeling and it helps to know I’m not going crazy . Sending some Sunday hugs x
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