I’m so sorry everything is difficult. Its so tiring and heartbreaking. I had some friends over for lunch today. It was nice but then they all leave and go back to their normal lives, no dead children and a partner who loves them.
Whilst I am happy they are ok I do wonder what I have done to deserve so much unhappiness. I miss Kevin so much, my life is on hold now. My home which we loved is now just a sad, lonely place. I have cried every day since he died last September. That is a lot of tears.take care everyone, sending love xx
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We live in a bubble, watching people go by as we used to. I loved my house, bought it 6 weeks before James was born, for him to grow up in.
I’m not going to do anything for a while, but I can’t live here. It’s not home anymore, just a monument to what we had and what we’ve lost.
Thank you all for listening, I know you understand 
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I have found everyone had started to move forward except me. Everyone laughs jokes has,fun except me. I cant laugh i cabt have fun i dont even know what that is now! My smile has gone my joy has gone one of the loves of my life has gone. The old me has gone replaced by i dont what yet! My friend hasrnt got long anymore to live .so yes we all deserve to bloody cry for as long as we want to because i know for one my journey is a bloody long one and i dont know if i evet will see that light agsin but i just take one step at a tine sending everyone lots of love xxxxx
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I feel exactly the same cherish i miss aarons smile his face his sense of humour. Me doing his head in him doing my head in if he wanted to cone back i would change pkaces with him in a heartbeat sending lots of love xxxxxx
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My daughter bought me a birthday cake last week and took some pictures she even bought sparkler numbers , I’m smiling on the pictures , for her and the camera and possibly because I want the world to think I’m ok, but the pictures I see are different now , the smile is forced and there’s no sparkle in my eyes , I was always a very positive person but a light went out the day Neil died and I don’t think I can ever power it back up. How are we meant to live laugh and smile when inside we are slowly dying ? I miss Neil so much , I miss and need my mum . 2023 took them both , I want to feel “ normal “ but don’t know what normal is anymore x
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I have had one of the worst days ever since losing my son 16 months ago.
I very rarely go to bed in the daytime,especially at weekends,as I have to try to make my daughter believe that I’m coping ok.
Today I just couldn’t help but allow all the bad feelings take over and I crumpled.
My son passed away on a Monday and so Sunday is a living nightmare for me as it was the last normal day we had together.
I think sometimes that I’m making progress,or at least my family think I am,but in reality I’m absolutely not.
I feel so lost and alone,in my own world of loss.
I wish more than life itself that I could turn back the clock and replay that day. I would hold him so tight and then he couldn’t have died.
It’s just the worst feeling ever and I feel for all the parents going through this awful journey.
Love to you all,
Jayne xxx
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Yes absolutely get you!! Thats why i always have said when aaron died that sunday so did i.and i have absolutely no idea who i am anymore i look in the mirror and,see a,former shell of what i used to be.totally hate it so much!! Ive gone more introvert and more of a loner really because noone that i know where i work and where i live actually really get me and you just know what people think like here she is doom and gloom!!! But i have started saying now exactly what i think and i have said how would you feel if you were in my situation!! I then walk away muttering swear words in my head!!!xxxxx
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We are all right by each others,side jayne and will always,support each other through this horrific journey!!! I find myself like a walking volcano ready to erupt in a complete and utter state and mess and end up in such a,dark place!!! Its like torture!!! Sending everyone lots of love xxxxx
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I go to bed at 2am then lay in bed for as long as I can manage before getting up and then sitting on the sofa interspersed with getting up to cook or do washing. I don’t have a life really, would love to see more of my two sons but they have lives of their own. I need to do something, I say I will but then plonk myself down in front of the tv to distract myself from the thoughts of Thomas and my daughter in law.
I rely on this group to talk about Thomas, I don’t get to see friends anymore. Friends disappear when you lose a child, I guess they don’t know what to say.
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One day at a time is all I can mange right now, sometimes I wake up and dread the day that lies ahead of me.
I would’ve liked to have some of Thomas’s clothes to get a bear or quilt out of but my daughter in laws parents will have all of her possessions and I don’t want to bother them so soon after she passed. Plus they’re in California and post would be so expensive. I did ask my daughter in law to give my ex husband all Thomas’s football shirts as they were very special to him, maybe I’ll suggest he does something similar with them.
This is an awful road we walk as parents missing a much loved child x
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That’s very moving
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My Thomas had a very silly sense of humour and have to say his choice of music was awful lol. I miss his voice, I’m scared I’ll forget how he sounded. That would be too awful.
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I dropped with the clothes at the lady who makes the bears yesterday . It was hard taking them and even the thought of his favourite t shirts being cut up sent me on a spiral but I’m now glad I’ve done it . I’m going to see my eldest son in USA in May and will be taking one over for him so I had to do it soon . I guess while all his clothing was with me I felt it was all neatly laundered and folded when it was returned to me as in the first few weeks I hoped and prayed the consulate had got it wrong and it wasn’t Neil who had been killed . Somehow sorting through them was another step in the grieving process . I used to read a lot but can’t seem to concentrate on books anymore and the tv has too much violence so I sit playing silly games on my phone . Living this nightmare in my own little bubble . If hurt is the price you pay for love all of us on here so clearly loved them intensely.
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Neil payed the guitar and put some tutorials on YouTube . I’ve tried to watch one but it was too upsetting but hearing his voice was amazing and seeing him on the screen I had to switch it off as I couldn’t see for the tears but I know I can find them and hear his voice . He wrote a really funny song about ikea and I have that in a file he sent to my Dropbox but that has his silly weird sense of humour In and I really am not strong enough to listen to it . I remember when my dad died over 30 years ago I thought about his voice so often I couldn’t remember it but now all those years later I can remember it so well . Gosh this journey is so hard . I never knew this level of emotional pain existed . I wish I could hug you all xx
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I used to watch real life hospital shows and I can’t now, it’s too upsetting. I watched a fictional American emergency show and got really angry that a chap had an emergency procedure that Thomas had and the bloke came through. I was so angry that my real life son didn’t make it and this fictional guy did! I’ve not got to the angry stage of grief yet but that did set me off.
Thomas has some YouTube guitar stuff, what a coincidence! I also haven’t been able to look at those as he was so happy making them. I miss his cheeriness, he always made me smile. I am so lucky to have had him as my son. One day you and I do have those YouTube videos to see our boys making beautiful music (though Thomas did love very heavy rock with a lot of shouting lol)
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We certainly were lucky to have them . I tell myself that every day . Just so sad we are all in this club that not one of us ever wanted to join
One of his friends I’d never met got in touch with me and I sent her the YouTube link , she made me smile when she said “ the little dark horse sure knew how to slap de bass “ guess he only told a few select people of his passion for music x
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I too can’t watch any emergency programs or hospital associated tv.
It triggers me and I too get anxious and angry as it is to close to home.
Our lives have changed forever but we have to try to stay strong for those around us especially our other children.
I have a beautiful daughter who is struggling so much it hurts everyday.
Stay strong my journey friends.
Love Jayne xxx
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I think if one more person says to me the sun is out it will make you feel better or try to move forward i seriously tbink i will start to lose my shit!!!,i actually seriously think now that noone actually cares or is even bothered unless they are on tge same journey as us!!! My counsellor says i have to stay clear of people with insensitive comments and to try and have very little to do with them. Even my close friend said the weather dosnt help .i actually think im quite happy being a,bit of a loner !!!xxxxx
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Someone said the same thing to me… it’s grey in my world whatever the weather… unbelievable… but I guess people don’t understand. I really hope I never said anything so hollow to anyone who was grieving.
I can’t watch any hospital programmes, plus get caught unawares by other dramas with people doing CPR - I keep getting flashbacks to trying to revive James.
It’s such a painful road we travel.
Night night my friends xxxx
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I know how you feel, My Brave son who had learning disability, said before he died said I don’t want people crying over me .But it is very hard not to do so, I just keep thinking of all the bruises he had everywhere as his blood count went mad.
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