I think we’re allowed to mourn our sons, they are our most precious people, and we loved them so much. I’m not planning on “ getting over it”, or moving forward… I’m going to miss James, his kindness, his witty asides, his company and even his twatty decisions that he made at times. He was a unique and beautiful son, and my world is so much less without him in it.
Just need to think of a way of batting away people’s “ helpful “ advice xxxx
I had such a panic today at the thought of never seeing my Kevin again. I couldn’t breathe, I felt so lost.
I remember the last thing I did for him before they put him in the induced coma, I gave him some sips of tea which he enjoyed. He was so brave, trying to cheer us up. He was a darling boy, so kind and gentle. I dont know how to live without him xx
I felt exactly the same way today penny i just cant believe all this has happened its still like complete disbelief and not being able to process anything. I think about aaron 24/7 all day all night each and every single day .i feel lost and lonely without him as well penny and i know i dont want my life to be without him in it. I just cannot accept that hes not with me anymore im really struggling with absolutely everything xxxxx
I feel the same way . I think of him all the time and feel I’m trapped in a tight space I can never get out of and I’m running out of air, I panic at the thought of an eternity without him , without seeing his smile , touching his skin and loving him , I don’t know if loving his memory is enough and I keep thinking of the life he should have had . He died on the 24th of the month as did my mum 4 months before , so I’m really feeling low . I know I can’t turn back time but I want to and I don’t feel I can even look after myself properly , physically I can but emotionally I don’t even know who I am anymore . I want Neil , want my mum and want the me I used to be . The only one of those three possible is the last one but I don’t know how .
I look in the mirror and dont know who i am anymore as well. The person i was 8 months ago is not the same person now. Im miserable unhappy low and very depressed without aaron. I just want my son back with me .i hust wish that i could turn the clock back prewarn him of what was going to happen. Just cannit bekieve how things have changed xxxxxx
I know, our lives were stolen along with our boys. I can only see a grey pointless future ahead for me, just waiting for it to end.
I can pretend for a bit, when I’m with other people, but my true feelings break through.
Thinking of you all xxxxxx
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. It is still very early days for you. All I can say is that you take each day at a time. I lost my 27 year old daughter nearly 6 years ago just 12 weeks before her wedding day. I still have those days when everything is just too overwhelming and the pain of missing her is too much. But I made a decision to live my life in her memory. Remember he chose you to be his mum and you had him in your life longer than anyone else. But for now you need time to adjust to a life without his physical presence though he will always be in your heart.
Thank you, it is hard, I’m so sorry your daughter died, life is incredibly tough and has thrown this terrible experience at all of us. It is early days and there isn’t a minute James is out of my thoughts, I’m hoping one day a little glimmer of light creeps back in.
I am so proud to be his mum, and glad he grew into a kind sweet young man xxxx
Massive breakdown day today havnt stopped crying for hours just feel so bloody low and asking what have i done so wrong to takr aaron away from me xxxx
Oh Sue, I’m so sorry… some days are more hideous than others. The feelings that this grief gives you goes between desperation and hopelessness. Thinking of you and I hope you see a sign from Aaron to let you know he’s with you always xxxxxxxx
I also struggled today. I’m selling the house I brought my boys up in and as the house we’ve moved to is so small I had to throw away Thomas’s coursework from his college days. I know Thomas would’ve told me that it wasn’t important and to get rid but it felt like I was erasing a part of Thomas’s life. It’s stuff like that that hits me, life can be so ****.
Really hard for you Lcc. I think we’ll probably move in a while because this house doesn’t feel right without James here, but like you, I’ve kept so much of his school and college work. I’m sorry you have to go through this xxx
We are moving as well.aaron knew that we wanted to move .barrys mums house has sold now and we are trying to get it up in a few weeks.i just absolutely hate it here now it just feels like its,a house with no love in it anymore and even though i will still feel the same pain and heartache losing aaron in a,different house i xan no longer stay here anymore. Woke up walked tbe dog and feel absolutely shit do im going back to bed where its my confort zone .got a nightshift as well tonight and half of ne thinks i cant be arsed and just xxxx it!!! But its the only escape thing ive got at the moment and i do love my job sending so much love to each and everyone of you xxxxxx
Hi
Just checking in, not been on here much as Ive been away for a couple of days. Feeling grey and empty, been remembering different times when James was little and all the fun and adventures we had together - seems so sad that he didn’t get to live the long and happy life he deserved. Missing him so much x
Hi @Jamiesmum2309 . It’s beeen quiet on here too , we had some days out as it was 6 months since Neil went away and I’ve been feeling really low. I’m going to see my other son in USA in May , something planned and paid for long before I became a part of the “ lost mum” group . We are taking my two granddaughters to Disney world and I should be enthused and excited , instead I’m dreading feeling low and ruining the holiday of a lifetime for them , they’re only 7 & 5 and I don’t want the memory of Disney to be spoilt by having a sad grandma around .i did think of staying at my sons over there alone while they go with my son and daughter but my son is adamant he wants me there too. I’m just trying to take those baby steps and do something for myself each week , tomorrow is a hair cut and Wednesday a trip to see sister act in Manchester ( my friend treated me for my birthday) . I’m glad you went away for a few days and hope you try to enjoy the moments of light in between the dark ones . I did read all my journal on Friday night , I wrote my deepest darkest thoughts in there in the first weeks and I’m definitely slowly getting to a better place than I was . The journal really helps , letters I can’t send , poems from my heart 
and my deepest thoughts . Life won’t ever be the same but I’m hoping one day I’ll get my smile back I’m missing the old me xx sending you hugs ( 
)
Thank you Cherish, the time away did me good while I was there as my sister is brilliant and been so supportive. I hope you manage to get something positive from you visit to the states, but I can really understand why you’re worried.
I treasure my letters to James as it’s the only way I can talk to him now, although I do still sit in his room every night for a chat about the day. My sister had a big photo done on canvas of him and his girlfriend Nicole, looking so happy together this time last year, so I’ve got it propped up on the pillows. Hard to believe two beautiful young souls are no longer here, really hope they are together forever now.
Take care and try to be kind to yourself, ( my biggest challenge)
Much love to you and the other mum’s on here xxxx
Hi girls have had a new phone as i dropped and smashed it at work!!! Lost all my passwords taken ages to remember this one!!! Had my grandson Saturday and evertime i look at him i see Aaron its like his ex leos mum and his girlfriend as was scarlett have already moved forward with their lives going abroad and partying etc while im feeling absolutely shit and grieving for aaron!! I get so cross and angry as it it wasent for the way both of them treated him he still would be here!! Hows that fair? Poem is absolutely spot on jamies mum because thats exactly how we all feel. Cherish it will be so lovely for you to go to tge usa in may i used to write a journal for months but havnt gone back to read it from tge beginning as it will hurt far too much sending so much love to everyone xxxxxxx
Hi all
I’ve been quiet also. I’m not doing well. Having some very dark thoughts. I cry all the time, I get on my own nerves!
The pain of missing him never goes away.
Take care xxx
I get that Penny . I feel I get on my own nerves too and I worry that my constant sadness will drive away those I love . I’m trying to be positive but it’s so damn hard . Took a little straw bunny with yellow flowers to Neil’s grave today along with some daffodils. Yellow was his favourite colour . It’s next to the church school and the children were playing , hearing their laughter and chatter had tears steaming down my face . I spoke to him and told him I was sorry for crying. . It feels surreal seeing his name on a headstone , it’s so not right and whilst his perpetrator is in prison he’s still alive . Tonight I feel so sad 
