Hi All,
I just feel sadness every day and don’t always put how I’m feeling every day.
It’s a constant heartache of loss and loneliness that I find difficult to understand.
I miss my son constantly and don’t ever think that the pain of losing him will ever go away.
Looked through a box of photos today from his birth to around 16 years old and what’s really difficult is that I don’t have many more pictures of him from then until he passed at 31 years old.
Indicative of losing a child as an adult even though he was still living with us and never left home.
There are no words to describe how difficult it is to live without them whatever their age and circumstances.
Love to everyone who’s loved and lost a child of any age.
Jayne xxx
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Im still finding it so extremely hard to try and process whats happened. I cant except aarons gone and i dont want to either. The only thing which i know is that i will never ever get over this and this heartache this excruciating pain will stay with me forevermore. Had another letter fron hmrc today wanting money and yet this was sorted out by a kind wonan last year and said its not my responsibility for paying any outstanding monies owed to them. They automatically put me down as,a personal representative so i wrote very shitty comnents on the letter and out return to sender!!! Its constant hassle all the time i too have the most extreme dark days where everything is just so black and dark and tgere is no light! Aaron is my light and i love so much my other children with all my heart but losing one of the loves of my life i dont feel complete anymore and i dont think i ever will my friend rang today shes now palliative and tvey want her in a hospice. The cancer has,spread everywhere losing my aaron and now maxine who was the only 1 left when all the other’s went .i just have no idea whst to do xxxx
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You can only move on through your life. I guess it is our destiny, however hard it is. Somehow we have to get through it. The alternative is not good for the people left who care for us. The pain of grief is immeasurable, on this forum we all know that. We owe it to our darling kids to keep going. They would be devastated to know we are broken xxxxxx
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At work today, but sending you all my love and hoping today people are kind and thoughtful to us all xxxxx
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Having such a massive breakdown today i miss my son and i cant stop crying feel such a burden to everyone but i cant help the way that i feell. It’s my birthday tomorrow and im not even botherd one llittle bit. Im working tonight then when i wake up i have an hour’s counselling tomorrow and just want tomorrow to go xxx
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No words Sue. Had my birthday 2 weeks ago and In The run up to it I was dreadful . Hopefully you’ll get through it one step at a time , one hour one min or whatever it takes , just be kind to yourself I’m sure my stressing is having a really bad impact on my health palpitations high blood pressure and A-fib all of which I didn’t have before . So I’m practicing deep breathing and going to join some kind of meditation group even if it gives my mind an hours rest it’ll be worth it . Yesterday I just cried on and off all day it’s so unfair x
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Thankyou so much¡! I just feel so bloody shit all the time and just got out of bed afain to sort myself out ready for my nightshift .i find that i want to be alone alot so i can think about things ive never realky been a social butterfly but its like i just cabt be arsed with anything going to the lakes in may which is my favourite place as i love the outdoors and hiking .aaron takes aftet me so much!!! Xxxxxx
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@Cherish777 have you thought about taking something of Neil’s with you on the trip? When I returned to California for Thomas’s first heavenly birthday I took photos of him and put them in places he loved. We also took the dried petals from his funeral flowers and scattered them in the ocean and on his favourite train journey. That way I felt he was enjoying it with us and a bit of him stayed there forever. I take photos with me when I do travel and ask friends to take one when they go too, Thomas may not get to physically travel now but that way I feel he does in spirit.
Neil would want you to enjoy the trip and your other son will need to spend some quality time with his mum, I bet he misses his brother so much too. I know my two sons miss Thomas so much just like me and need their mum around.
Go with the flow and see what happens, we all feel incredibly low and our loved ones understand that and will help us through the pain.
I am taking a suitcase full of things to USA , part of the reason I really want to go , he collected and painted miniatures and my son wants to display his collection , he’s bought a light up cabinet and is awaiting me taking them over . Neil painted a polar bear in the desert . He worried a lot about global warming so his bear on the picture is in the intense sun wearing sunglasses . He opened a little website to sell his art and I bought two , that was one of them and at the time I bought a soft toy polar bear . Neil loved it as it sat with his painting , so polar bear travel’s with me , he’s yet to visit the desert but you never know, one day . I’m going to add a picture of said little bear and the painting , was wondering if you would help me choose a name for him , he needs one really xx
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So far polar bear visited
Barbados & Caribbean
USA
Singapore
Thailand
Kuala lumpar
Jakarta
Bali
Menorca
This year he’s going to Disney world . He’s precious so only comes in my hand luggage , he wasn’t Neils , I have his Baloo bear he kept from childhood and his Lego . I’ve also the rest of his paintings as once I had bought two he asked me to store the rest . I think he was so proud to have made a “ sale “ best money I ever spent xx
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Aww this is so beautiful!!!, illl try and think of a nane for him .cant thibk straight atcthe moment just come back home from my nightshift xxxxxx
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Cherish, what a beautiful painting, and a lovely thing to do taking it with you to see the world. It’s good you have the other paintings too, really special and will be so good to display them.
Think I’m stuck in a trough of apathy at the moment, feeling sick, missing James, and not had any word from the corner on how he died yet. I want to know but also really dreading it, especially if there has to be an inquest.
I’m so sorry we’re all stuck in a life we had never expected to have to live xxxxx
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We feel the same Jamie’s mum it’s hard knowing there’s a huge courts case to happen yet and being overseas there’s a language barrier , have a call tomorrow with a Portuguese speaking lawyer , hopefully she might help give some insight , they’re telling us nothing it’s awful like he didn’t really matter and meanwhile my worlds a crumbled mess x
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That’s going to be really tough for you Cherish, I think people are careless enough about how they phrase things, let alone having to have everything translated.
The only thing I think of is at least James won’t have to cope with my death and suffer like I have.
This forum really is a life saver. When other people ask me how I’m doing, I never tell them the truth… I don’t think they could cope with it and really wouldn’t know how to react. I can be honest here because I know you all feel the same xxx
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I wondered about Leni, an anagram of Neil. I have a Bagpuss and a bust of Windy Miller that Thomas loved even though they were from my childhood. Inside my son was a five year old who thought everything and everyone was great.
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Windy Miller, there’s a blast from the past. I think I remember watching Camberwick Green when it was first on TV.
Love Bagpuss still 
Leni is a really clever idea xxx
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Leno is a great name . That’s what he will be called - thank you xx
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So glad you found a lovely name. I cancelled ny birthday today even though my son and his girlfriend came round abd was lovely to see them im just not in the right frame of mind to be wanting to enjoy my 54th birthday without aaron. My husband booked an acdc concert in june and a,shepherd’s hut in leek in the middle of nowhere in the forest with a hot tub for end of June which is so lovely of him xx
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I think first everything’s are going to be hard . I wanted to cancel birthdays anyway since reaching 60 . It sounds far too old and I’ve had a few fine then !
The hot tub In the forest sounds idyllic, no hustle and bustle and free to enjoy life at your own pace .
My friend took me to see sister act yesterday , I cried because I enjoyed it and felt guilty . Neil absolutely loved musical theatre and he would have loved the humorous parts - those bit really had me choked up. It was a good day though and my friend is one of my best supporters . Sending you all hugs and thinking of us all . I am so grateful for this little group we have formed through our own tragedies
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