It is the hardest cruelest situation. I’ve found seeing other people has helped dilute the pain for me, for a short while, but underneath there is a huge dark hole where Jamie should still be.
I’m so sorry we all find ourselves here x
A problem for me is even if I do go out and have a nice time on the way home I suddenly am reminded Thomas is o longer with me and I cry, I feel guilty for having a life when my darling son doesn’t have one.
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Lcc59 I totally understand our children should never go before us. Xxxx
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Hi, just reaching out in case anyone needs a chat or is feeling sad. Sending love
Penny xx
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Hi Penny I think each and every day this sadness is with us.Two years in March since I lost our only child our son 13 years in Feb since I lost hubby. Unfortunately time isnt a healer I miss my son so much I cant believe that I have managed to get through two years think of him morning noon and night and the love and support he gave me after losing his dad.You are of course going through it and it does seem unreal that we will never have our boys in our life again.Its unreal and literally shocking.Just reading an earlier text of yours where you say you think you are losing the plot.I am with you there Mark spent alot of time in my home and I still find myself calling his name and saying "mums here"I know it sounds silly but it comforts me.Take care Penny good to chat because when I went online today I was feeling pretty crap and sad thank you.Marg take care xxxx
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Hello Penny
I lost my 37 year old son in September, he had gone alone on holiday abroad where his life was tragically and cruelly stolen .
I’m not sure how to come back from this , he was healthy and well and had a good career , he was really happy in life . The details are still very sketchy at best , no answers and no motive . The person concerned was a complete stranger to him . I’m trying so hard to be strong but those awful waves of despair keep creeping in , I wish it was me and not him . I have never cried so much in my life and there doesn’t seem to be any reason or justification
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Oh goodness, i so share your pain. No one really gets it, to be honest. To lose your darling child is the hardest thing in the world. We will never be the same people again which is sad. I loved my life with Kevin, he was the best. I can’t think about the future yet. I hate my lovely home now where we were so content. I hope you can find some peace. It’s so nice to be able to share feelings with someone who understands. Sending love, keep in touch. Penny xxxx
I can’t think of a future either but for now im focussing on one day at a time . I didn’t cry on Friday last week and felt so guilty I cried even more Saturday. But im also proud I got a day without tears . I lost my mum in May , I was her main carer and she was my best friend . Losing my son I just keep thinking I want my mum to talk me through this and for the first time in my life she’s not able to be there . My partner isn’t my son’s dad so I do t think he knows how to help . I just feel there’s no one I. My life knows what I’m going through . I would love to keep in touch and sad you have to be here but hopefully I can get through this and be of some help to others . Sending hugs xx
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I am so sorry, I think no matter how your child dies we ask ourself so many Questions. M y son died age 47 from secondary bone cancer, I ask myself could it be the medication he was on for so many years. Why the walk in clinic when he went there did not feel a mass on his hips etc. I think we as parents want a closure,and I hope in your case you get it quickly.
@Cherish777 I’m so sorry your son lost his life in such an awful way. We are all feeling such deep pain, our children aren’t supposed to pass before us. My husband isn’t my son’s father either and I know exactly what you mean. Unfortunately my mum isn’t one for emotions so I really don’t have anyone to talk to who understands the pain I feel so thank goodness for this site. My thoughts are with you x
Hi, anyone else find the weekend hard? It’s so lonely without my Kev. I don’t mind my own company but it’s just so quiet. Just been looking at some photos of happy times we had. Guess there is always a price to pay for happiness. Sending you all love and peace xxxxx
To Marg1
How are you today ? I’ve been thinking of you. It’s a hard thing to be sad every day. I will never be the same person again. Xx
Hi penny11 I’ve been having a bad day. I woke up sad and then came down to find some photos of my son had arrived. It’s soon going to be a year since Thomas passed and I’m dreading it. I’m going over every one of the 27 days that he lasted after surgery and it’s so painful. His body broke down day after day and he didn’t deserve such an awful ending. It breaks my heart, he should be living his best life with his wife and his stepson.
HiLcc59
Im so sorry, what a terrible thing to go through. It’s so hard to carry on with life when something so awful happens. Please just try and take each day a little bit at a time, it seems to help. Remember how much love you gave your darling Thomas. That means everything xxxxx
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Its been 6 months and 2 weeks since losing aaron .my breakdowns are horrific that noone knows what to do with me and just completely shut myself off and just cry. I just try and find enough strength to get through each day and thats the only way i can cope with this horrific pain that i I feel inside. I miss and love my son so much and would have given my own life just to bring him back to his children. Im a nurse and my fire training was due and had to do it but because of the situation and how traumatic it was the very kind officers dud a,1-1 over zoom xxxx
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I’m so sorry, I can understand just how you feel. I would give anything to have my son back, it’s so hard to keep going, and I think other people think there is a time limit on grieving, so become less understanding as time goes on.
I hope you have at least some kind people around you who can be with you and help with practical things if they can’t help with the emotional fallout.
I’ve been writing to my son every day since he died as I just can’t manage without some way of communicating with him.
Sending you much love and sincere sympathy xxx
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I talk to aaron everyday and send him messages on WhatsApp as,well. Everyone disappeared a,very long time ago which really hurt me but its a,lesson learnt. I see a,counsellor every Wednesday which helps and his resting place is 5 mins walk from my home so cone rain shine or Gail’s im there vy his side. Noone does understand unless they are going through it themselves. People say the most stupidest things like are you feeling better and the weather dosent help!!! The list goes on.!! Sonetimes i do say when im at my lowest thats it come and get me now because the pain inside is like absolute torture and im sure many people feel or have felt exactly the same. Its like being in a very dark pit with no light just sitting there in complete despair. My job as a nurse keeps me going but i think about aaron every min every hour all day each day xxx
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You’ve done well getting back to work. I work in mental health and am really worried I won’t be able to manage when I go back.
I’m so sorry you feel so alone, I’ve been lucky so far as I do have some really kind friends, although even now there are some that seem to be inferring I ought to be focusing on the future ( which I’m sure is well intentioned).
I’ve found this forum helps and I’m also having counselling, and have a really understanding counsellor, but it’s difficult visualising any kind of future when it feels James has been stolen.
I feel like I’m being punished for something but I don’t know what I’ve done.
Xxx
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I could have easily not gone back at all and when i did i felt suffocated and panicky with being around people .i have aarobs son my grandson who is 8 once a,week and he is having counselling himself with all the trauma. And my granddaughter once a,week who is 3 months old aarons daughter who he will never see xx
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That’s what I’m worried about, plus I don’t want to break down in front of my patients.
I’m glad you have grandchildren to hug, but so sad for them missing out on a wonderful father. I hope you find some comfort being with them, and you’ll be able to tell your grand daughter all about her dad when she’s a bit older 
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