Struggling with the loss of my mum

I lost my mum 2 weeks ago and I’m really struggling. I live alone and although I still have my Dad and brother I feel very alone. My mum had a lot of long term health issues, but she was doing well and her death was so sudden and unexpected. I don’t think I can quite believe she’s gone yet. She was my mum and my best friend and we did so much together. All these COVID restrictions are also making me feel so much more isolated.
I feel a sad all the time, but sometimes I become overwhelmed with it all, particularly at night and sit and sob.

Dear @Lynn41, I am so sorry that you lost your lovely mum so suddenly. It must be a very difficult time for you. Losing a parent can be particularly difficult when they were your best friend.

Two weeks isn’t much time, and to be honest, it will take a lot more time before you can start to recover. I don’t want to sound pessimistic, but mention this because when my dad died and two months later I was still struggling, I was getting anxious why this is so, why am I not better, and then I came here and realised grief often takes a lot more than two months to start the recovery.

Here any time you need to chat. Hugggsss.

My Mum died 5 weeks ago so I understand where you’re coming from. It was unexpected and fast but at least I got her home and cared for her during her last few weeks. The funeral has happened and now sadly people move on with their lives. It’s totally overwhelming but small steps and be kind to yourself. What was the best thing about your Mum?

Dear @Lucyn, I am so sorry for the loss of your mum, too. Hope you’re coping ok today.

Hi @Abdullah
I know it’s all very raw at the moment and I’m under no illusions that this will be a long process (I’m not sure you ever really get over it) I also do worry that I’ll get worse because right now she’s still so fresh in my mind. 2 weeks is just like my parents going away a holiday. The last time I spoke on the phone or saw her gets further away and I could imagine the ache get worse in a way the more time has passed.
Thanks for reaching out though. It’s good to talk to people who are going through the same things.

You’re correct, @Lynn41, we never get over it, it’s been seven months since my dad died, and every day I still ache to be with him, how are your dad and brother coping? Are you able to see them?

Yes, you will find lots of people here who have lost their mums, and it will help you to talk with them.

@Abdullah it’s a very hard loss, Mum was the glue that held our family together. So sorry you’re going through it too. My Dad died just over a year ago so I understand how you must be feeling too. It never goes away

Hi @Lucyn
I’m sorry for your loss too. My mum had been doing really well lately. I thankfully saw her the night before she died. She had a great day and was very upbeat and laughing. We went shopping and even started Christmas shopping. I then got a call from my dad first thing in the morning to say the ambulance was here and I’d to come home immediately because she wouldn’t waken up. They tried hard to bring her back but she was gone. Her heart just gave up (she had major heart issues). She died peacefully but I’m still in shock.
She was the kindest, bravest person I know. No matter how bad a day she was having she always put everyone else’s needs first.
What was the best thing about your Mum?

It’s such a shock for you and so hard to process. It does get easier I promise but it never goes away. Have you had her funeral yet?
My Mum is best described as my indestructible tower of love and the strongest woman I will ever know. I miss her wisdom, her honesty and her warmth…I always will

I’ve made a Covid family bubble with my Dad so I’ve been seeing him everyday. Saw my brother everyday the first week, but he’s back at work now. I’m still off work and can’t contemplate that yet. My Dad is getting there. It was so hard to see him so utterly devastated to begin with. He’s never been one for showing emotions. He just kept saying he didn’t want to be alone and he doesn’t know what to do without my mum.

@Lucyn I understand how you feel when your mum is the glue to in your family. It’s hard to imagine how life will continue without her.

@Lucyn her funeral was just on Monday. It was a lovely service, but now it’s done it’s like there’s nothing to keep me working towards or focused on. Today had been a very difficult day, so emotional and crying on and off all day.
Your Mum sounds like she was a wonderful person.

People seem to assume the funeral means closure, they are so wrong. It’s just the start.
Mum and I shared the house so I’m now sorting through everything and it’s taking ages as there are so many memories attached to even the most simple items. I’ve got to do probate then sell our home which is daunting.
I hate the unpredictability of my emotions , anything can set me off. Are you sleeping ok? X

@Lucyn, it is so sad you have lost both parents within a year. That must be really difficult. I’d hate to be in your situation where I have to clear the house and sell it. Hope it goes as well as it can.

@Lynn41, hopefully your employer will be understanding and give you as much time as needed. I am glad you have been able to see your dad, as you can both help each other through this awful time.

@Lucyn I can’t imagine having to deal with selling your house as well as dealing with grief. Please feel free to message me if you ever need to or are having a particularly bad day. Maybe we can help one another. Do you have support in real life? Anyone that can help you?
I can understand how everything sets you off. It’s strange how the simple things can be the worst triggers. I was having an emotional morning and then I went to see my Dad. Hardly in the door and he says 2 things I have to discuss. He takes me into his bedroom and a lot of my mums shoes are lying out. He then announces he’s clearing a tiny space for his shoes and wants to give them to charity. It got me so upset. He’s not touching her clothes or really most of her shoes. It was only about 6 pairs. Then he announced his iPad isn’t working and he wants to use my mums newer one. That was me sobbing. It’s ridiculous because it’s only silly objects.

My sleeping is very unpredictable. Not sleeping through the whole night yet, but at least my appetite is back.

Thank you , it’s a job that only I can do really. I’m taking it slowly as I dont want to miss anything.
People deal with things in different ways and your Dad is probably feeling lost too and doesn’t know to deal with things. Men process things in very different ways to women.
I hope you have support too, tho it’s hard to explain feelings and emotions to people if they haven’t been through a similar experience. That’s where talking to strangers is often easier as we have the same thing in common and can understand.
You need to be kind to yourself, just getting through the day is an achievement and you’re doing so well. Tears are the price of love, there is a lovely but very sad song by Donna Taggart called ‘Jealous of the Angels’ To me it just sums everything up

@Abdullah My boss has been very good so far and she has no expectations to when I’ll return. I do think I’ll maybe take another week and then see how I go. I know routine might actually help me. Just taking one day at a time for now.
I hope you have good real life support too. I’m sure there’s still plenty times when you need them.

I am soo soo sorry to hear about your mum, it really is the worst pain, it’s coming up to my mums 1 year anniversary of her death, I even hate putting a number on it, 1year, I was told the year of firsts is the worst it’s almost been a year and the pain just lingers it’s with me always, I think back to the stage where your at and it was just almost like a hazy fog where each day was painful even opening my eyes and waking up, I wish I had magic words of wisdom but I don’t, just do whatever gives you comfort, nothing just nothing takes away the pain. I also have my dad and 2 brothers but it wasn’t same relationship me and mum had so I do know that isolating feeling, lots of love to u xx

I know men and women deal with everything differently and I can see he’s struggling in his own way. That’s what makes me miss my mum even more. She instantly knew when we were sad or having a bad day from either the first word we spoke or the look on our faces. My dads clueless lol He’s trying though and I’m ever grateful for that. He cried and hugged me to apologise for upsetting me so much.

We are on a steep learning curve to really get to know each other without my mum being the buffer between us. But we’ve promised to tell each other when we’re struggling and more of what’s going on in our life.

I do have a friend that lost her mum a year ago. We only ever saw each other on special occasions, but she reached out and said she knows how hard it is and she’s like to be here for me and will help me through it. My problem starts with my ability to talk about my feelings. It’s a little easier typing and talking with strangers for now. (You can’t see my tears)

That song was beautiful and had me in floods of tears. It definitely sums up everything so well… thanks for sharing it with me.

I am trying to be kind to myself and I hope you are too.

@Trish85 I’m sorry for your loss too. I think every anniversary or occasion will hurt not matter how much time passes. I alway remember my mum saying no matter how old you get or how much time passes she still missed her own mum, but maybe that ache is just easier to deal with as time passes.

I love my Dad and brother to bits, but you’re right it’s a totally different relationship. I get so sad thinking about all the things I’ll no longer do because my mum is gone. All the things boys just aren’t interested in… spa days, shopping days, coffee and gossip and keeping up to date with what’s happening to extended family and friends. She constantly thought of others and was always planning for birthdays and Christmas and just buying me random little things just because she could. She had already started Christmas shopping and parcels have arrived from her online shopping. :cry: The thought of Christmas approaching so quickly makes me feel ill.

Have you had a better day today?
Some days can seem so overwhelming and awful but the next day is usually better.
I hate the unpredictability of my emotions as I’m usually so self contained but I get caught out with the smallest of things. I’ve never been a worrier but thats changed too. It’s a lot to process and there are so many memories lurking as I sort through things.