Struggling

I am new to this site. I lost my mum at the end of July after a 2 year illness with bowel cancer. She was 59. She had no symptoms and was stage 4 when she was diagnosed. I’m scared I will get cancer and die. I have a 3 year old and it pains me to think he might feel like this one day.
I constantly try to keep busy and put on a brave face. I feel like people think I should be moving on with my life by now. I feel a burden on my husband who bears the brunt of all my sadness.
My mum was my best friend. She was divorced and so I have had to deal with all the funeral arrangements and I am executor of her will. Now that these things aren’t keeping me busy I feel lost. And so sad. People say it gets easier. But when? Not sure why I’m here really or how to help myself :cry:

Hi @Nats1, I’m very sorry for the loss of your Mum. Your post really resonated with me as I lost my Mum to cancer in March at 63 and I also have a 3 year old. I’ve always been quite anxious and have found that it has increased since she died and I too worry about myself or someone close to me getting ill. I think and hope it’s a normal part of grieving. I found the same as you that at first I was so busy with paperwork and organising the funeral etc as I had to help my Dad a lot, that when it was over I no longer had that to focus on and it really hit me. I think it takes a lot of time to get easier and it’s still early days. I think even then it only gets easier in that you learn to live with the pain and can think of the good times and smile. I’m very sorry you find yourself here. Feel free to message if it helps you x

Thank you for your reply. And sorry for your loss. It’s so hard isn’t it? Although people try to be sympathetic they cannot possibly understand how I feel. I’m glad that you have said you have the same anxieties as me as felt I was going insane. My mums mum died young too (drowned) and so I feel it must mean I will too. How did your 3 year old react to the news? Mine will still talk about his nanny as if she is still here and I will have to remind him she is in heaven x

Hi Nats1. Welcome. You are in a safe place and among friends who know only too well how you feel. We have all been there or are still in grief. It’s very hard going as you are finding. It’s very early days yet from your loss, and your emotions will be all over the place. Let them come. I am sure even if you feel a burden on your husband he may not feel you are. In our grief we tend to project onto others our pain and see things that are not there. You are here because you need to talk to those who understand. No one who has not experienced this pain can ever know. People do say things get easier and for many that is true, but there is no set time limit or any method for grief. Everyone will cope in their own way. You have titled your thread ‘Struggling’. Now what I am going to say may sound odd to you at this moment, but give up the struggle. Fighting ‘IT’ and struggling makes things so much worse. Now I am not minimising your pain. No way!!
For the moment go with it. Allow emotions to come. Never fear emotions, it’s Nature’s way of relieving a little of the stress. You are still in shock so give yourself time. Your child need his mum, so continue to give love to him and all those around you. Your mum loved you and you her. Love can never be lost even though the loved one has gone. It’s still there and always will be. It’s the one thing that death has no power over.
It’s so good you are here. You will find lots of posts under the ‘Losing a Parent’ category that I am sure you can relate to.
Take it as easy as you can. Try and accept what has happened in your heart, because that is where your mum still is and always will be.
Blessings. John.

Thank you. It is very hard. I find that people say they will be there and then don’t really ask anymore now, they just get on with their lives really. I think it’s hard to understand until you have been through a close loss though sadly. I’ve thought the same about myself too!! I am a natural worrier anyway but things really have heightened. My Mum lost her Mum young as well, she was only a child herself and lost her to cancer :pensive:
My son was 2.5 when she died and just accepted it :pensive: We explained he wouldn’t be able to see Nanny again and he didn’t really ask to see her again. If I show him photos he knows who she is and I explain she is in the sky and stars/heaven now, but it’s hard that he just accepted it as well as he used to ask to see her, but I realise it’s just because he’s so young. He didn’t really understand she was ill either when she was alive, as we did explain but he was too young to really understand. We do have some great books to explain death to him. Have you done anything like that? It really breaks my heart that my Mum won’t see him grow up and he will miss out on her too. She adored him and it was her regret that she wouldn’t be there to watch him grow. His birthday was hard too as she wanted to be there but didn’t make it :cry: Do you find it hard that your Mum won’t see your son grow up too? I’m dreading Christmas as well but will obviously make the effort for my son x

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Wow it’s as if I could have been writing that. I am a worrier too! I’ve not really explained about death to him as I don’t want to frighten him. My mum
Adored my son too, she cut the cord when he was born. She lived for him. I always wanted another child but don’t know how I could now that my mum is not here. I know what you mean about them not seeming to be that bothered. But I suppose we should be grateful they have accepted it so well. Thank you for making me feel a little less crazy xx

Thank you so much for your words John x

We do have some similarities sadly. No I know what you mean. I can recommend Grandad’s Island as a lovely book if he likes books. My son enjoys it, I’m not sure he really understands what it is all about but it’s nice gentle book. Or the paper dolls by Julia Donaldson is lovely, but always makes me cry! My Mum was there for my son’s birth too, she said it was something she would treasure forever. It took us a long time to have a child as well and she was our biggest supporter through it all, so it really hurts that we finally got our son and then lost my Mum 2.5years later. I find it hard to believe that the future is not what I expected it to be and the reality will be so different now. I agree we should probably be grateful for that, I wouldn’t want him to go through the pain, but j just hope he always remembers my Mum. Glad I’ve helped in some way x

It took us a few years to get pregnant too. Mum always said stop worrying, it will happen. She was right. Thanks, I’ll have a look for those books. He loves books. I’m off out now as it’s the hubby’s birthday so I need to put up my facade again. Nice speaking to you x

We finally got our son through IVF, I’m just so glad my Mum got to meet him. Mine loves books too, both of those are good for children to explain it a bit. It’s so tiring putting up a facade all the time, I often look fine on the outside even when I’m not. I have definitely found it helpful on here speaking to others going through this. Feel free to message if it helps you. I set up a thread a while ago as well and a few of us on there have lost our Mum’s and support each other, I will add the link here if you ever want to chat on there as well Missing Mum. Take care x

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