Yeh im only 4 months in and im the same ! Tears, tears, tears 
xxx
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im nine months crying more now so lonely. i moved to be near family big mistake they have their own lives. i miss my friends of forty years😢and my husband. I have a great gp at the moment as having lots of tests but i will give it a year and if im not ill im going back. Still talk and keep in touch.
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Aw bless ya. Yeh family not always the best are they ! Seem very good ar reminding you they have their own lives !!! Jeez what a world xx
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Hi Deb5, yes, that is exactly what we are doing. I also think that our brain wants to learn so we can prevent it the next time. But our brain does not know that there will not be a next time for us. Perhaps it is also because we do not want it to be final. So many here on this site would like to be able to go back in time, so would I. Take care, - Nick.
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Im so mad with myself for not matching him to drs … but he was stubborn and i dont think he realised how ill he was or maybe too scared ? I dunno ? Denial maybe ? Poor man … apparently his dad was same his brother said … i just wish he was here cos he was very precious to us 
a kind man and NHS didnt cover themselves in glory either its a big mess and its costing lives ! I dunno if they couldve done more but i sure wish they had tried !! God bless xx
Hi @Nel, it’s just over two years for me too. Today I changed my routine and met three friends at a open garden event. For the first time in a while I actually felt panicky and sick, just wanted to get back home to my safe place. I know these friends so well, and my husband came up in conversation several times couldn’t get past that feeling of dread.
I know part of it is I go back to work tomorrow after the Easter break, and yesterday being our anniversary. I miss my husband’s reassurance, that dreaded Sunday night feeling is awful without him by my side.
I do understand how you feel about weekends, I like routine too.
Debbie x
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Yes its a funny one isnt it ? Sometimes we want to talk about our loved one and other times we just don’t cos it makes us sad hope your first day back goes ok ? X
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Oh my. I’ve just been reading through this thread and thought how much I empathise and understand what you are all feeling. It’s 20 months since my husband died. I too thought I was learning to live with the emptiness but recently all the sadness, anxiety and pain has come flooding back. I’m lucky in that I have a supportive family and some good friends that I socialise with. The Easter holidays and lead up to it have hit me hard. My mum died two years ago on 18th March it would have been mum and dad’s 70th wedding anniversary on 28th March and my husband and my 47th anniversary on 10th April. I went to the crematorium to see the rose bush we planted for mum and dad and the Book of Remembrance entry but got no comfort from it. I’m facing all the things my poor mum faced when my dad died in 2010. Although we tried to support her she lived 120 miles away and it was difficult to get up there more than every couple of months. To begin with she came to us a couple of times a year as well. I’d pick her up, she would stay a week or so and then I’d take her home. I’d visit in between but I was working full time at first but then my husband got ill and I took early retirement to look after him. So often I’d make the excuse that we had our own lives to lead and assumed that she was adjusting to life without dad.
Mum found it difficult to do the journey as she got older and more unwell, so it was just phone calls and maybe 4 visits to her a year … until lockdown. When my husband died 5 months after mum, I realised she had just been putting a brave face so as not to upset us. She was lonely and sad and I didn’t realise how much. Her friends were getting old and dying so her support network was falling away. Now I’m in the same position. I was on antidepressants but took myself off them. I was doing reasonably well, I socialise, visit, go on holiday with family or friends but always there is a pain in my chest, I can’t breathe and I feel empty. Like you, one of my friends tried to tell me it was like being divorced (she’s been married 3 times!) It’s the only time I’ve ever got cross with her but I value her friendship and can forgive her ignorance. I was no better until I experienced it for myself. So here I am, again. Wide awake at 3 in the morning with cheeks wet with tears, again. I hate this and yet when my husband was really very ill following two severe strokes and I was exhausted from 24/7 care I wished it would all go away. Perhaps I should have been more careful what I wished for. Now I hate my life and myself. Sorry that’s all a bit heavy but I’m sure you know what it’s like on nights when sleep alludes you and the grief hits in a huge wave of sadness and remorse. I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Still, I do sincerely hope all of us find moments of comfort, peace and hope as we navigate our way through the chaos of our grief to find a purpose in life again. Take care xx
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@JJBee
Grief is heavy. I dread the thought if no improvement so I do push myself, probably too much at times.
I’m only 11 weeks in and the last couple of days are hard. For me it’s working out what’s triggering it.
My partner would have started his new job today, he was so excited about it and I’m in work today on phased return and it’s just unsettled me, a lot.
I’m like that, can feel very uneasy and not sure why, once I’ve worked it out I’m usually better.
I’m better with company so I’m hoping being back at work will be good for me .
I also said something before my partner died, something was annoying me and I said to a friend, my life would be easier on my own. Did I wish him away, no! We all say things when we are annoyed, tired etc . Life is just a b*%/ch and so unfair at times.
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I.totally.undersrsnd. even though its hard looking after them when they sre so.unwell.its still awful ehen they go . Its.that void and lonliness i hate . And my husband was doing ok until they decided they couldnt treat him anymore , gave him 3/4 months and he only survived 6 weeks. My beautiful darling who
i miss sooooo much xx its just
not fair
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Hi Nel, i feel exactly the same, i lost my wife Sheila in February last year. I feel i am just existing not living. Everyone who says it gets easier have no idea what grief is like.
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Hi @Ste1 My husband died in February last year and I’m still finding it really hard. I’m not finding it any easier, I wish I was. I’ve just said on another thread that I still cry at some point every day. I can’t say when that will stop or if ever? I do hope we will all find some peace and happiness at some point in our lives again.x
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Hi, it’s not getting any easier at all, just trying to live day by day. I am 67 and have got a little cleaning job 6-8 in the morning it gets me out and have a chat, but my life has changed forever. xxx
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I know. How quickly our lives change. Not having that special person there to share your day with. To tell them what’s gone on in your day and vice versa. Yes, you can relate those happenings to others but it’s not the same as sharing that information with your husband/wife. People just don’t understand.
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Yes i so agree with you ! Miss telling him about my day and they love you telling them too and they’re really interested … ooh thats hard for me that part . I still cant get used to him not being in bed with me either ! Keep looking for him … Still so strange … only 4 months but still i wish i could turn clock back !! x
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