Hi Dawn, yes George was definitely fitter than me. He used to walk everywhere and I mainly used the car and work in an office too. In fact when he died people kept commenting that they often saw him out walking and could not believe he had gone because he was so active. George had been diagnosed with cancer but they were due to start treatment. However, he developed a blood clot in his lungs, and although he had suffered one a couple of years ago following a knee replacement, the doctors decided not to try a different medication although the one he was on hadnāt worked before. He too died suddenly and I did not get there in time. I feel devastated by it all and worry that he was frightened or called for me. Everyone keeps telling me it would have been quick but I still wake up feeling frightened about his last moments. I have just had a text from my stepson about remaining positive, and whilst I appreciate the sentiment, he is young and has his whole life ahead of him. Most of me died with George and whilst I have no option but to continue living my life, the only thing I look forward to is the day I see him again. I had the happiest 15 years of my life with George, and like you life without him is just too enormous to deal with. Take care xx
Thanks Diane. It is good to hear you went dog training despite freezing and itās also good to hear that you have found someone to talk to someone who understands what you are going through.
I do try and find positive things but really struggle to find anything lately everything just seems bleak. It was good to have the dog in daycare today and for the first time she didānt want to come home with me, I think she has more fun there and I know Iām no fun for her at the moment.
I wonāt say have a good weekend but just, thinking of you and hoping for some positives. Dawn xx
Dawn,
Iām sure that your dog enjoys being with you - as well as the change of being at daycare. Do you have any company when you walk the dog? I do find it helpful to have company on some of the walks - it also means I can go further afield to places where I wouldnāt have the incentive to go on my own.
I agree that its difficult to think of anything positive, but given the anguish and pain we are gping through, even just caring for the dog or getting the washing done we should see as a big achievement.
I hope you are able to keep yourself busy this weekend - I certainly find distractions a useful way of giving myself a break from all the worries etc.
A friend of mine is in a choir (just an informal group so no auditions necessary!) and she has persuaded me to give it a go next week - her Mum joined a choir after she was widowed in her 50ās and she find it helpful. Maybe something to consider of there is one near you?
Take care, Diane
My husband passed away very suddenly 19th May, was expecting him home the following Wednesday to Friday as the doctors only only found two infections, the Thursday afternoon I learned theyād you d a malignancy and he passed away 36 hours later. I was fortunate to spend the last 30 minutes of his life alone with him and I cherish every second of that time. I believe in the spirit world and have done from a very very early age, the events that occurred in those 30 minutes I shall treasure and hold in my heart for the rest of my days. I am so sorry you were.not there with him, but please take comfort in knowing he was not alone. The loved ones from the spirit world do visit prior to our passing and guide our spirit over safely. Please try to believe he wasnāt alone. I take so much.comfort knowing my husband is close by, just wished he was still with me in his earthly form, but know that would be selfish act for me, i didnāt want to lose him but knew it was right that he had to leave, his newly found illnesses would have given him a life absent of quality and full of pain. Doesnāt make it any easier to Accept though. Hope I havenāt upset you in any way with any of my comments. X blessings to you ā
Hi Day at a Time, you have not upset me in anyway. I am reading books on angels an the afterlife at the moment. I feel George with me all of the time and talk to him constantly. I know George spoke about his mum a few days before he died and I really hope she was there to meet him. Georgeās quality of life was so poor during the last few weeks of his life and even if he had not died of the blood clot, he would have struggled to survive the chemotherapy and the outcome would have been the same. He telephoned me in the morning and died at lunchtime. At the end of the call we both said āI love youā and he knew how much he is loved. He knows I would have been with him if I could and hopefully as you say his loved ones were there for him. I look forward to him being there waiting for me. Take care xx
Hi Diane thanks for your reply. I donāt normally have any company on my walks but I do bump into a lot of people who know the dog and obviously knew my husband as the main walker. Sometimes we have a chat but mostly itās just a greeting.
I try and take positives from small tasks as you say they should be seen as an achievement. I have my husbands family coming to stay today as itās my birthday and as much as it will be so good to see them I need to make up beds etc and Iām not sure where the energy for that is going to come from. They have all been amazing and I just wish I
could return some of the love, care and kindness they have shown me.
I have always loved to sing however everyone tells me what a dreadful voice Iāve got so maybe the choir idea not for me but, when I feel stronger maybe I will something suited to me. Dawn xx
Hi Debra I can so identify your feelings my husband died in our bedroom whilst I was in the lounge I just hope that he knew I was close by and found that a comfort but I fear that he must of felt alone and frightened in those last moments. My husbands family have been amazing and they are even travelling down today for my birthday. Whilst this is an incredible gesture I know how painful it is going to be seeing the 3 wonderful people that are part of him because the one main person that is going to be missing is him. Like you the only thing that would give me comfort is to hold my husband again and tell him I love him xx
Dawn,
Happy Birthday! I hope you can take some comfort today from having your husbands family with you on this special day - let them spoil and ook after you!
Dont be concerned about feeling you are nto returning their love and kindness - I am sure they just want to help you in any way and dont expect anything in return. People keep tellign me they are happy to help and it woudl make them feel better to be able to do anything - so no need to feel guilty about that.
Anyway, hope you get some pleasure, however small, from today.
I find I have become closer to my husbands sister since he died and she is the one person who really knew him and we can reminisce together and remember things he did years ago - that may be of some comfort to you too,
Take care, Diane
Thanks Diane x
I lost my husband to cancer on 9th December after a 3 year battle. It was 5 days before our Golden Wedding . My family and friends have been wonderful but no-one can understand the depth of despair you feel when youāre on your own. Crying is good - it does not ease the pain but wears you out so that you can sleep. Sorting through all my photos of him for the funeral has helped. Iām trying to remember the good times and to forget there wonāt be any more with him. Just keep going - itās all we can do at this dreadful time.
I sorted through boxes of photos and got it down to 120. The strange thing was that all those photos had been untouched for years and suddenly they became very valuable. Iāve kept them mounted on the boards we used and look through them regularly. One side effect of looking at the older photos is I think my grief has expanded to cover my, and our, lost youth. Theyāve brought joyful and painful memoriesā¦ bittersweet.
Iām on my own a lot at the moment as all the activities I signed up for have shut down for a break. I always felt guilty watching TV or reading in the daytime but not now. I think Iām getting a little more used to being alone but not to being lonely.
As you say we just keep going, with purpose if possible, and look for distraction.
Hi Dawn, Happy Birthday xx George had been married twice before we got married. The first marriage ended in divorce and they had 4 children, all of whom have been extremely supportive. His second wife died suddenly at the age of 43 from Sudden Adult Death Syndrome leaving George with a 10 year old daughter and 15 year old son to bring up. His daughter who I have brought up as my own has been absolutely amazing and my rock despite the fact that at the age of 26 she has now lost both her parents. She is such a wise head on young shoulders. I have also got a 27 year old son of my own who adored George and over the last few years we have been a happy little of family of 4. Victoria moved out to live with her boyfriend just before her Dad became ill and now suddenly 4 has become 2. I know George blessed me with a large family and 9 step-grandchildren, but they all have their own lives to live and rightly so, but I feel the main part of me has died along with George, and I can get no pleasure from anything. This may sound really weird, but the only time I feel at peace is if I put his casket in the middle of the bed and snuggle up near it. I donāt sleep very well but at least I donāt feel alone in bed either. I think the kids are really concerned but it is only 5 weeks since I lost him, and I am struggling with panicky feelings and anxiety because I donāt know how I am meant to live without him. I will do anything that will bring a bit of comfort. I hope you have had a lovely day xx
Hi Debra itās only been 4 weeks for me so I know just how youāre feeling. Iāve slept on the pillowcase he was lying on since then and I cuddle his dressing gown at night. You just have to do what gives you any crumb of comfort as the pain is almost unbearable.
Dear Sheilam,
āNo-one can understand the depth of despair you fell when youāre on your ownā
Yes we can. We can. Thatās why weāre all here on this forum, and why youāre here too, united in the agony of
unrelenting grief.
Hi Sheilam, I am really sorry for your loss. I think we end up doing things that we would never have in a million years thought we would do prior to this awful time. I also cuddle Georgeās pyjama top. I try to smell him on his clothes, his hat, coat, absolutely anything just to get a bit of comfort. I go over absolutely everything in my head, listen to music that was played at his funeral almost to the point of torturing myself. Somehow it has got to get more bearable, but at the moment I do not see how. You take care too as like me we are still very early on in this journey we donāt want to be on, and I certainly did not buy a ticket for xx
To you all on this site, you brave, honest and proactive folks, it is such a comfort to know I am not alone. A widow at 51; losing my husband just 53, one week after a diagnosis of cancer. How life turns on a pin head. We are all struggling but have the strength and so optimism to seek support with kindred spirits here on this site. It got me thinking (can be dangerous!), what 3 things have helped with our adversity through loss? Our strategies may help others ā¦ Hereās mine (after family and friends and this site) :
- Dog - who is now allowed in bedroom, on bed, in bed and is the reason I get up every morning.
- iPhone - specifically solitaire, sodoko and word cookie as well as news, weather and photo library
- Fresh air and beautiful walks - I live in Scotland and so can access fresh air and beauty quickly and easily. #wellbeing
Nothing will bring my dear husband back. I only hope he can see me surviving and be proud of me. That is all we can do. I just also think that by corresponding on this site we are taking control and responding to our human spirit. I think of those in the same predicament as us who cannot take this step. Hugs to you all. Cx
Hi
I agree with you about the dog. Iām also widowed at 52 my wife died in July and my dog now sleeps in his pen in my room and is the reason I get out of bed. He knows when m down which is pretty much everyday and jumps up and snuggles in to me.
Take care
William
Hi Debra thanks for the birthday wishes. I spent the day with my husbands family and as I have said previously they are amazing. I know they wanted to make sure that I was not alone and they certainly kept me occupied all day but there was obviously a huge, massive presence missing from the whole day their Dad and my husband. They are all struggling in their own way and I donāt have the strength myself to give them much support. The eldest in particular listens to me and her siblings offering us comfort and very wise words, i feel guilty that I am not able to give her the same as I am not strong enough.
I am sorry I do not know what to suggest to bring you a bit of comfort I wish I did. Dawn xx
Hello,I am new here too.Lost my darling husband Roy in May and the pain is unbearable,the thought of a future without him seems impossible.Everything is such an effort isnāt it,I am permanantly exhausted.So sorry for you all,Corinna xx