Suddenly my life was paused on 25th may 2019 at the sudden death of my sweetheart, he was my world for 30yrs , he was all I’d ever known from us both being 14yrs old till he passed at 44yrs old. He had no previous illness or signs , we were at our hoilday home and it was the most traumatic 15 minutes of my life , i tried cpr until the paramedics arrived and tried for an hour with no response. Both myself and my son suffer severe visions and flashbacks day and night, following the police attending and asking 100 questions which were a complete blur j had to drive 1 hr home and inform my other son about his dad’s death. The funeral was a blur, not really registered in my head . The worst thing is the weird thoughts in my head, could more be done, could i have done more, why him, i just want to die too. i struggle to concentrate , we spent the last 4yrs together 24/7 , lived and worked together. So i have 3 places to get over his lost at. Holiday home,work and home. Its hard for others to understand and more so some family members , its due to the different type of relationship you had with that person . I miss his voice and the little things you say between partners. As much as i don’t feel like facing the world , i had to go back to work for financial commitments, people see you and think your coping but its all a mask im broken inside . I cry when im alone, not to upset my sons who are broken too. They were all very close but im trying to support my son who witnessed his dad’s death , he has days when he states he could go and jump! He says he knows im broken and would swap places to bring his dad back to me. It breaks my heart, i tell him hes loved every day and his dad wouldn’t want him to be sad. How do you live day by day when life seems so empty. Ive only just started to manage after losing my mum 2yrs ago.
Hi Julz1, I’m so sorry to read about you losing your soulmate, and loving partner. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed. I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here.
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org). You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home.
There’s more information about this service here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling
You deserve care and support so please, , get in touch with one of these services. If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Take care,
Sam
Online Community team
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Hello Julz, the thoughts in your head aren’t at all weird. Almost everyone here who has lost the person they shared their life with and loved more than anything in the world has the same thoughts.
It’s hard to be strong when your whole world just fell apart.
My soulmate was diagnosed with cancer in February, she lasted just six weeks after the diagnosis, she didn’t get a chance to fight the illness because she developed sepsis from her feeding tube and died in the ICU.
One of the stages of grief is guilt. We all ask ourselves could we have done more. We feel it’s somehow our fault even though in our hearts we know we did everything we could.
If you believe in heaven or an afterlife wanting to die to be with them is normal too. Many others on this site say exactly the same thing.
The only people who fully understand are those of us who have been through it. We appear to function normally on the outside but inside we’re a mess. Life is tough, we’re on a rollercoaster of emotions.
Remember your soulmate hasn’t completely gone, it was just his shell, he lives on in your heart and will as long as you do.
Be strong and come back here for support, you aren’t alone.
Prayers and good thoughts, Carl.
Thanks for the support, i think the hardest thing at this current time is the mixed emotions, its like all seasons in one day, i start feeling angry that he’s left me , to crying for blaming him , being busy till I’m exhausted to block it out, feeling guilty if ive went for a short while without thinking of him. I rack my brain to try and recollect the sound his voice thinking what the last thing i said was , hurting because i didn’t say how much he meant to me and our sons enough . Over last 2 week was both our birthdays ,where he remained 44, i turned 45. I spent the day in the house trying not to face the world, it was the first time in 30yrs with no card, it was devastating. I think with all the stress of events having the funeral a few days before fathers day, then birthdays , just feels to compacted, my stomach churns thinking about xmas, he always pulled out all the stops, being a head chef he excelled, he was the centre of everything. I do believe i will see him again when the time comes. Its so hard to think you can love someone so much the pain it leaves behind when they open their wings and fly away. How does life carry you on if you live for the next 40yrs. Yearning for loved ones.
Dear Julz
How terribly sad - he was so young. I lost my lovely husband on 7 May and so have also faced father’s day and my son’s birthday since then - so hard especially fathers day. My husband was just 60 and we had been together 40 years - so most of our lives. I miss him so desperately too - so know what you are feeling. My husband died whilst I was at work - and we found him when we got home - too late to do anything. My lovely daughter found him and I don’t know how she is really coping as she does everything to protect me. We too went through the 100 questions and post mortem - but to be honest the police were wonderful as were the paramedics who gently explained it was too late. I cannot believe my heart did not feel it when he went as we were so close and I think should I have noticed anything - but he really was fine - but it does not stop me thinking.
I still cry every day but try to keep busy as the busier I am the less I think. I do not want to think - maybe I am avoiding grief as they say but it is the only way I can cope.
I went back to work after ten weeks and am gradually increasing my hours back to normal. But coming home to an empty house is the worst and driving to and from work as he was always by my side. It hurts so much - but what choice have we got. I try and stay positive and take so much comfort from the people on this site. I really do not know what I would have done without the help I have found here. I think everything you have mentioned in your post resonates with me - all the emotions and feelings you have described - are ones I have felt and still feel.
Please take care and if you would like to chat I would be happy to do so.
Trisha xx
Hi Trisha, im so sorry for your loss . This probably sounds bizzare but i strangley stumbled on the site and i feel kind of blessed to share my worst life event with people i don’t know but feel close to, something i struggle with my own family maybe im trying to be strong for them and hide my own grief. Knowing so many people are struggling through the same bereavement is giving me a whole new look on things that mean the most.x
I am deeply saddened to here of your great loss my heart goes out to you at such a young age. It’s the sudden death that’s the initial horrendous shock, the trauma after & the guilt analysis leading up to the death. I can totally relate to all the thoughts in your head as mine are locked in my head. I have trouble sleeping and wake up regularly when i do get to sleep. Your grief runs a similar parallel to mine. I lost my lovely wife after 32years of marriage suddenly with no warning on the 15th May. I really can’t believe I have lost her & can’t visit her grave as it horrifies me. I was only talking her 2seconndes before it happened. I have cried everyday. She was my world, my best friend and my first serious girl friend. I can’t function without her, I can’t sleep in our bed or even sit in the living room to look at an empty chair. The future without her in my life is so empty. My nerves are in bits & have panic attacks. I am not half the man I was & my children want their Dad back.
Dear Julz
I think stumbling on the site whilst looking for some kind of help is how we all got here -I know I did. I found myself googling loss of husband how do you cope or similar and found it. I have made a couple of really good friends over the last couple of months who I speak to regularly and as one lives close by see too. These conversations help me so much- and I think we really help each other as we know we are understood. The loss of our partners is so different from everything else and to talk to someone - either through the discussion forum or otherwise is a relief. Of course we are trying to stay strong for our families - my children may be adults but I am still their mum so it is my job to protect them. They are supportive and are grieving for their dad but their grief is so different to mine.
I wish all the time I had been able to tell him how much I loved him - but I know he knew that - or I had spent longer talking to him on the phone that lunchtime - or I had noticed there was something wrong and sent him to the doctors. But I can’t change any of that so I try as hard as I can not to think of it. I pour my feelings out in a journal to him all the time - it is more often than not a scribble - and doubt I could read it -but it feels like I am talking to him. I do that too - I talk to him all the time as well as raging how unfair it is. I do appreciate the time we had - I know he was one of life’s good guys and some people never experience that love - but it is still hard to put that up against how much I miss him.
Sorry - it has turned into a ramble again. I hope you do not mind but it helps.
I hope you will continue to find help here.
Take care
Trisha xx
Dear Martin
I am so sorry you lost your lovely wife so suddenly. I too can relate to all you are saying - no warning, crying every day. The loss of our whole life including our future. Like you say about your wife - my husband was my world and my best friend. I can only cope by keeping busy - I try not to allow myself time to think. When I think, I cry.
I miss him so so much and cannot see a future yet - but I try to keep optimistic. I know he would hate me being like this and I try and keep it together for my children. This site helps so much - write what you feel. You will find your feelings are mirrored by so many people on here.
Take care and try and draw strength from the friendship and support you will find on the site.
Trisha xx
Thanks Trisha I am at work & can’t concentrate without continually thinking about my wife & seeing her in my head. My whole life is consumed thinking about her. I wish I could change the days leading up to her passing so much. It was just so sudden. I so wish I could talk to her & tell her how sorry I am for not acting sooner.
Stay strong as I am a total weakling at present.
Martin
I totally agree with your sentiments … Im in the same black soundless void as you …I’m miss my darling wifes presence even miss to glance at her the pain is wordless.
Yours in pain
Mark
HI Mark no one will ever understand the immense pain unless they experience the loss of their soul mate. .The thought of xmas and my wifes birthday horrifies me. I don’t want to depress you as I lost her suddenly on May 15th & I just can’t handle the immense grief and sadness of never being able to talk to her again. How do others manage as I have fallen apart mate. Martin
Hi, I am feeling all the emotions as you since losing my husband in May, I have found the shock seems to have guilt & regret wrapped into it, I find writing my feelings down seems to help get it out, I tend to write what I feel guilty about or regret then write what my husband would say, it helps me, when it all gets too much I treat myself to a takeaway or a trip to the beauty salon, I think it’s time that is the only answer so a treat raises my spirits for a short time, I don’t look at the future that’s just too much, I was told too lose your partner is a traumatic experience & your mind and body has to have time to recover, I’m hoping in time to come I will be able to remember my husband with a smile rather then tears, I hope what I’ve said helps.
Dear Martin
We are all weaklings here - we do the best we can but sometimes the smallest things set us off. I personally find work helpful now - not to start off with I could not even contemplate it - but the journey there and back is awful. I sometimes wonder what people think when I am stuck in traffic crying my eyes out. I know before I lost Gary I would have thought - an argument! But I realise now how little we know of what is going on in the next person’s life. I know it hurts all the time - a physical pain and I know where the term heartbroken comes from now. I hope you find a way to cope - I was told baby steps. Anything I did in a day I considered an achievement - even emptying the dishwasher or doing the bins. I do not think past the end of the day - no planning just get through the day. No music - too painful - no TV I watched previously and certainly nothing we had enjoyed together - avoiding places we went together too. It took me two months before I ventured into our regular supermarket - driving miles so I did not ‘see’ him waiting for me. I can shop there now - but it is head down and speak to no-one. I know I am better than I was in those first few weeks - but what is better ?
Take care
Trisha xx
Hello Trisha and thank you for all your posts which I have read over the last months since my husband died. This is my first ever post I feel that my heart is shattered into a thousand pieces! My feelings mirror all you have said , my soulmate no longer here to say don’t worry luv we’ll sort it out ! we was married 40 years Paul was 21 and I was 20 so young! always thought we would grow old together. We have 2 wonderful sons with partners and a grandson so I should be great full for the wonderful life we had. But I miss him so much ! I’ve found comfort in the messages I have read on here helping me understand others are feeling the same x
Dear Ange
Thank you for your message - I am so sorry you lost your dear husband too. I post on here as it really helps me - I think of it as talking so I hope you will message some more as it has helped me so much to put down what I am thinking.
We were 20 and 23 - I was the older - and we thought we would grow old together too. Forty years flew by - where did that time go? For the first time as life was a bit easier we had started to plan - it seemed we tempted fate as we had never planned before. Like you, I am grateful for the life we had and for our two children - but I wanted more - another 20 years or more. This new existence is hard - but there are little glimmers that I can do this - then the tears just come for no reason. They say that the love does not die.
Take care
Trisha xx
Dear Trisha
Thanks so much for your reply. What a nightmare it is for each and everyone on here! Only we don’t wake up and the pain, fear and loneliness is continuously with us all. I will keep posting and reading every day, the kind thoughtful people on here are giving me strength to get up and face another day. It would be so easy to stay under the duvet and not go to work to listen to all the annoying chit chat around me , everyone seems so happy , (they have been really good in my office and i’m only working a few hours a day )but obviously don’t understand . How I wish I could go back 7 months to my normal happy life !
Sending everyone love and compassion to help us all get through another day xx
Another long day at work without my partner, keep thinking he’ll be abour somewhere. After working together for last 4 yrs, travelling to and from home . Hard to focus on anything , feeling tired all the time , waking numerous times with nightmares of that dreadful day . Feeling angry that his family appear to be “getting on eith life” when mine has stopped. I think more because I’m a very independent person i feel almost angry at myself because I cannot cope. As nuts as that sounds. Your mind is a strange thing. The love we all have for our lost loved ones is really immense. If only it took thst to bring them back to us.
Due to finish work and dread going back to our family home looking at an empty chair that my wife use to sit in and call are ok Mart. God how I miss that call. I stay away from the house as much as possible because of the painful hurt of her not being there. I can’t look at her photo or even enter our bedroom for the same reason & have become a prisoner in our home due to the immense sadness. I so wish like you I turn the clock back to the beginning of May & change everything. I stand this continued pain. Martin
Hi Julz1
Completely understand what your saying .
I get the feeling my sister and husband think it should be stiff upper lip and get on with it … I dunno I could be wrong.
I’ve not started going back go work yet which I have to say can’t even think about at all ,we use to travel to work and back in the same car together …I will miss her company i can tell you … my only only option is the bus from now on.
Dont feel mad with yourself we all can’t cope with this …being ripped apart from your soul mate is words beyond comprehension.
How we are held up each day must only be due to our lost loved one keeping us going till we hopefully meet again?.
Crying everytime is my world now.
Love and light
Mark