Sudden death of my dad

My dad died on 30th January. He had been in hospital simce November but appeared to be on the mend in Jan. Then he had a massive bleed on the brain, dashing our hopes that he would be home soon. It was such a shock. We had got used to the fact he might have health issues when he came home but it was always just that, when. Not coming home was never a consideration.

I feel like my armour has been torn away and i’m less of a person without him. The funeral is on the 1st March and I’m going to be a pall bearer and say some words too. I’ve not really cried much since a couple of days after he passed but i think I’m still in shock and my brain is protecting me from the pain of it all.

I’m back to work on Monday, they have been really supportive and there’s a great culture around mental health (I’ve been active at work talking about mental health as I’m on antidepressants anyway) but i dont know what i’ll do. The problems of work seem so petty and inconsequential now.

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Hi @Fibungdung sorry for your very recent loss. Grief is a brutal experience in the early days and everything must be very raw for you at the moment. Give yourself time to adjust as the loss of a parent is a huge shock. Don’t worry about work at the moment, if it feels too much have some more time off. You need to look after yourself physically and emotionally during this difficult time. I lost my Mum in January last year and I remember how awful the weeks up to the funeral were. You will get through it all, but it’s tough. Sending best wishes, take care xx

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Hi @Rosiepink . Thanks for your words. The last couple of days have been the hardest as reality has started hitting home.

I tried doing some work yesterday and today but i couldn’t concentrate on anything. Today we had the celebrant over to plan the funeral but it was also mum’s birthday today, the first in 50 years without her husband.

I miss him so much.

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Hi @Fibungdung yes, lack of concentration was one of the reasons I decided to take the time off work leading up to my Mum’s funeral. I work as a teacher so I knew I just wouldn’t be able to cope during that time. Grief is physically and emotionally exhausting so it’s important to look after yourself as best you can. I hope you find some ways to bring comfort at such difficult times. Take care xx

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Thanks @Rosiepink. This week has been the hardest so far. I think the shock and my brains defenses have started to drop.

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I’m so sorry for your loss and how unexpected it was. Nothing prepares you for that sudden turn of events. My Dad passed away 21st November, after a 12 day hospital stay. We thought it was a chest infection but it turned out to be pneumonia that never responded to the drugs. Saying that, he seemed to rally after a couple of days and was completely off the oxygen for a day or so. We also thought he’d be coming home so when he started going downhill it was a big shock.
I think you’re right and something kicks in to protect you from the absolute heartache and you sound like you’re doing really well. Give yourself time and talk to anyone and everyone about your Dad and take all the help and support offered. The passing of someone so dear definitely changes you and how you feel about mundane, everyday activities such as work but take each day at a time.
Thinking of you on the 1st March and I hope all goes well - that was my Dad’s birthday :heart:

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Thanks @Jess2023 and i’m so sorry for your loss. How are you feeling and getting on now?

The last week has been so much harder that the 3 weeks after he died. I just want to see him again, speak to him, take the mickey as i used to!

I’ve never really had any faith, but I find myself wanting to believe that he is somewhere nice, warching over me, my mum, my siblings and our families. The thought that he is just gone is too unbearable to contemplate.

In his own words, which I’m going ro read at the funeral, “I have not disappeared, I am simply over the horizon.”

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That is so lovely, that your dad said that he’d be only over the horizon :yellow_heart:.

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@Fibungdung - thank you and for asking how I am, that’s really kind. I’m finding life a lot more bearable than I did in the early days. Good days and bad days still.

Awww, you miss what I miss and messing around with your Dad…mine had a fab sense of humour and was a really funny guy.

Has anything “weird” happened since your Dad passed? So many things have been going on with me, my Mum and my daughter and in each of our houses. Mostly with lights! But also we’ve had so many other weird things happen. We love it and totally feel my Dad’s spirit is everywhere. I visited him a few times in the funeral home and even though I kind of never intended to, my adult daughter had seen him several times as I waited outside the chapel for her. She was so close to her Grandad. The first time she persuaded me to see him, I’m beyond thankful she did as if I’d have never believed the spirit/soul goes on somewhere, I totally did from then on. Every feature was still my Dad but he wasn’t there, if that makes sense? He didn’t look like he was sleeping or anything like that (and he looked absolutely peaceful), he just wasn’t there any longer. That gave me so much comfort, more than I ever could have thought possible. Because of that, on the day of the service, I could picture my Dad’s body peacefully in his coffin and yet knowing he’d already gone on somewhere. Sounds crazy me reading what I’m writing but that really gave me comfort then and ever since.
You sound like you’ll do your Dad proud on Friday and if you feel you’re unable to deliver your tribute, have a stand-by person who can. Everywhere will understand. I knew I wouldn’t hold it together and so I asked my Goddaughter ahead of time to read a poem on my behalf and my Mum had recorded a poem to be played as again, she didn’t feel she’d have been able to have said anything on the day. It just took some of the pressure off.

But, life has definitely settled into something different now, a new life. I wish I could turn back the clock and see and talk to my Dad again but knowing I can’t I’m enjoying the light and other chaos I totally believe he’s causing :heart:

Its so special you reading your Dad’s words about being over the horizon and if he truly believed that (as I do :heart:) then its a good place to start that you do too. You sound amazingly strong

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@Fibungdung - meant to say, not sure if its something you’d thought of or have done but as a family we put letters, photos and flowers in my Dad’s coffin and that brought us comfort at the service, knowing he was surrounded by even more love. Amongst them we put a wedding photo in of him and my Mum (the celebrated their 65th anniversary Jan 2023) and my daughter tucked it into his jacket, right by his heart :heart: That was my memory on the day of the service and how loved he looked when we last saw him. I would totally understand if you weren’t able to do this personally but could the funeral home do this for you?

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Dad’s funeral was today. It was a really good service with about 80 or so people there. Really shows that he touched more people than he thought.

I did my reading, ok i think, i hope he would have liked it.

I miss him so much.

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