Sudden death

My beloved husband and very best friend died of cardiac arrest on March 4th. He was only 54 and we had no warning, it was completely out of the blue. The shock has been horrendous, I feel my life has been turned upside down. I feel devastated for my children to lose their wonderful Dad but also feel devastated for him and all that he will miss. Needless to say my life feels very bleak at the moment, the future has been taken away from me. We were looking forward to spending time together as our children are nearly grown, life feels very cruel right now. I never knew I could cry so many tears.

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Hi hcm,
I’ve just read your post and it’s exactly the same as my experience.
I’m so sorry for your loss and know how all of you will be feeling.
My husband had a cardiac arrest at work, he was 56, no signs, fit and healthy and that was it, our lives stopped there and changed forever.
It’s eighteen months now for me, I have grown up children too that struggle.
You will be in total shock, disbelief and absolutely sadness for the future that your husband has lost.
You are not alone even though it feels like it, you can share your feelings with people who are going through the same thing .
So sorry
Sending love.
Steph.

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My heart goes out to you and all your family. He was so young, you will feel completely devastated. Crying is natural so don’t worry about that, they say it shows your strength. At present you will not feel strong but then we all put that brave face on and yes everyone on this site knows how you feel. Please post as often as you like and read others post, we all have lost someone special/soulmate and feel for you. Take care of yourself because at present your physical as well as mentally vulnerable. Big hugs are being sent Sxxx

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Thank you both for your kind words. It’s good to share with others who know exactly how you feel and what you’re going through. My children and I are absolutely heartbroken…this is a word used by so many people but only understood if you’ve lost someone very dear. I didn’t realise there would be so much admin to get through, I’ve found that utterly exhausting in itself, is it the same for everyone I wonder?

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Oh I am so sorry. I am living the same nightmare. My husband was 50. He went for a run one evening and never returned. Me and my son went to find him when he was late back but we were too late. We are still waiting to find out why - they have had to do a second post mortem and we haven’t got the report yet. My children are young adults - one is trying to finish their finals at university. We were just beginning to have time as a couple and were looking forward to our eventual retirement. We had been together from being 16, I have never really known life without him. What makes it even more difficult is that to go anywhere is this village where we grew up and brought our family up, I have to go right past the spot where he died. I totally understand the shock and hurt you are feeling. We have been robbed of our soulmate and our future and no one can make it better. I am so, so sorry. Sending hugs

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The admin is a nightmare, so much to get through when all you want to do is curl up.
Its hard talking to people on the phone and explaining your situation over and over again.
Try not to do too much at a time, that’s what I did just couldn’t face it sometimes.
It’s early days for you, after 18 months it’s not as raw anymore and I feel a bit stronger to face things, but its still so unbelievable, still feel like he’s coming back.
Thinking of you .

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Yes, admin is a night mare and I got that I disliked the postman, when they had been I just sat and cried. Just another pile of things to read and understand when all I wanted was to hide in bed. Yes it does get better and I like all my post people now but it takes time. The saying “keep calm and care on” is all you can do. Blessings to you all Sxx

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So sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss Jules4, so sorry for us all. I think the worst thing is not being able to tell my husband what has happened!! I feel like this is temporary and he’ll be back soon. It’s very surreal.
We were also together since we were sixteen so I know no other way of life but with him. I’m struggling to see a future but know I must try to be strong for my children. My youngest is seventeen, they were incredibly close and did everything together. So sad for my kids.

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I still can’t believe that I can’t tell him things - and ask his advice. My youngest is 19 and was with me that night. My daughter was such a daddy’s girl. It truly is heartbreaking. My mother-in-law has been taken ill and has now retreated into her own world (supposedly delirium but I think she can’t cope with the grief and reality). I don’t know how to navigate a life that has been shattered into pieces with the most important piece missing.

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I often wonder why these things happen. Although your devastation is paramount your poor mother in law too…neither my parents or in laws are with us anymore and in a way I’m glad as this would have been too much to deal with. I hope you have support Jules…it’s tempting to shut yourself off but I force myself to see people. I am lucky (in one respect) to have good family and friend support. I still can’t face a big gathering but two or three seems okish so far. I don’t watch the news anymore as it’s all talk of returning to normal. Sadly for us there will be no more ‘normal’

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I do have good friends and family - for which I am grateful. I only have one parent alive and she has vascular dementia so can’t support. I just feel helpless that I have been given a life that I didn’t want or choose when we had worked so hard and planned the life that we wanted. I don’t see the purpose in anything now.

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I know exactly how you feel, it’s a very hard road that we are on. I write to my husband a few times a week and keep them in a book. It helps me a little when I’m feeling very lonely. Thank god for the kids, they are the reason I get up each day, I haven’t managed to go back to work yet, dreading it.

I’ve not gone back to work yet. With the Coroner’s report still hanging over us I don’t think I can begin to process things. I am just dreading what it says because I’m already beating myself up about whether there was something I should have noticed or whether I should have stopped him going out etc etc

Dear Hcm

I understand the shock and horrific feelings following the sudden death of your soulmate. My husband was killed in a RTA in September. Our kids are both adults. Our son already had one baby and they subsequently found out that they were expecting a second which was born six weeks ago. Our daughter, because of lockdown, had not seen her dad since June.

We had retirement all mapped out and now nothing. My husband was one of three brought up by their mother so had a tough upbringing. We were together since teenagers and throughout our marriage built a good life for ourselves. Then in 2016 we both lost our jobs and had to sell the house etc. But we overcame everything because all that mattered was that we had each other.

Now life is just about filling out forms, probate and dreading the postman coming with more letters I really do not want. Unfortunately organisations have no empathy or procedures that make processes easy for you or I.

I am glad that you have good support, we so desperately need it immediately after and certainly for the foreseeable future.

I understand your comments about the news. The radio is exactly the same. All making the assumption that everyone is able to return to normal.

I too write to my husband. I know that the kids Whatsapp him messages.

I gave up work - the only plan that me and husband discussed and that I can now fulfil.

Take care and will be thinking of you.

Thank you Sheila…to lose your loved one in an accident is horrific, I’m so sad for you…the future has been ripped away from us all. I hope that you get comfort from your grandchildren but it must be very bittersweet for you without your best friend. Jules, waiting for a coroners result also sounds unbearable, as if you didn’t have enough to contend with. Please don’t beat yourself up as it won’t bring your husband back and will make life just that bit worse for you, if that’s possible. I woke up to find my husband dead beside me in the middle of the night. The coroner decided not to perform a post mortem so they said he had a Cardiac Arrest. I also blamed myself at the beginning, thinking I should have noticed something or thinking did I miss an obvious sign but I’ve come to the conclusion that when your day comes there’s not much we can about it. The pain is truly awful.
Lots of love

Hi Hcm,

Im sorry for your loss. My dad also died of a sudden heart attack when he was 53. It was very hard on me but it brought me very close to my mum and we had a wonderful relationship until she died suddenly almost 2 years ago. I look back now and my mum was so strong- she must have been devastated but was so strong for my sister and I . I never really thought too much about how she had lost her husband aged 53. I hope you and your children find a way to get through this together. Its still such early days for you.

Cheryl

I am so sorry for your loss. It is devastating.
My husband was 54, we have a 14 year old son.
The shock is still with us 5 months on.
:heart::heart::heart::heart:

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I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard as a mother knowing that you can’t protect your children from this pain. It seems so unjust that fathers who want to be there for their children are taken away. Sending hugs

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So sorry for your .loss I lost my dad 38 years ago from the same he was just 50 I was only 18 I struggled for a lot of years :broken_heart:. Now having lost my husband 22nd January 2021 to covid 19.my life has changed for ever and this is such a different grief :broken_heart: the emotional feelings of crying sadness anger hurt my heart goes out to you.for me the days are getting harder :sleepy: like you say our future has been taken away .my husband was 60 and we were married 39 years .sending love and prayers :heart: :pray:. To you xx

I also lost my Dad when I was seventeen and my Mum ten years ago but losing my husband so suddenly is a very different kind of grief. Our future has been cruelly taken from us all. Friends and family have been very good but nobody really knows how this feels until it happens to you so it’s good to be able to share stories on here. People tell me I’m being brave and doing so well but it’s not like we have a choice…you have to get up each day and go through the motions but it all seems so meaningless at the moment.
Sending best wishes and kind thoughts to you all.

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