Sudden death

My husband died suddenly whilst out running on 13 August. He was a week shy of 64 and was looking forward to retirement at Christmas. He had not long dropped me at the airport to go to Edinburgh and when I got off the plane I found phone calls from a neighbour to tell me he had been taken ill. There were no flights back and the trains were on strike so my friend hired a car and we had to drive back to Birmingham whilst I was hanging on the phone trying to find out how he was and when I eventually got to speak to someone they told me he had died.

I can’t believe he is dead - I don’t want to believe it. I can’t stop crying and I feel lost, lonely and scared. He was my best friend and confidante - we talked about everything and did a lot of things together. The physical pain in my chest is awful and I can’t breathe when I get it. It’s his funeral soon and I am scared of going - I am frightened I won’t be able to get in the funeral car or get out when we arrive at the crem.

I met him just before my 44th birthday and we only had just under 13 years together. I feel so cheated for him but also for me - sadly I don’t have children and he was the centre of my world. I don’t know how I am going to survive without him. I feel as if I am in a living hell and want to go to sleep and never wake up - although sleep is generally eluding me.

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Hello Jgs

I’m so, so sorry that you lost your husband so suddenly and in such a way. You must be so heartbroken and in shock as it is still such early days for you. I lost Ian only 7 weeks after a cancer diagnosis and was in shock for the first year. So, just do what feels right for you and just take each day, hour, minute as it comes. Remember that everyone grieves in their own way and time.

I’m so pleased that you have posted on this site as I have found it invaluable and I’m sure you will find support from others who have lost their partners in a similar way. People on this site never judge or criticise, so you can ‘say’ exactly how you are feeling.

You must take care of yourself if only in little ways,

Sending you a big hug

Julie x

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Jsg,
I am so, so sorry. My husband died suddenly as well so I completely sympathize and know how absolutely beyond shocking and horrific it is. We never had children either and were each other’s worlds. Such amazing love for each other as it’s clear is the same for you.

There is just so much to absorb and so many questions. Just take one minute, one hour and one day at a time. Don’t expect too much of yourself. I felt numb for months afterwards and in many ways I still do, like this isn’t my life. The numbness helps a lot because of the enormity of what we are dealing with and the complete and utter shock.

For weeks in the immediate aftermath my heart was pounding and racing even when I was just sitting still.

Don’t be afraid to visit your GP. I didn’t for months but wish I had earlier because it has been very helpful.

Here for you and thinking of you xx

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Awfull time for you and your grief is so raw what you are describing is the awfulness of early grief all you can do is treat yourself with great care eat and sleep when you can and remember it is grief and sadly it hurts and tears and the very heart of us I’m 9months on and still painfull but the emotional turmoil is less challenging and I do have happy moments this site has helped me tremendously thinking of you xx

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I’m so sorry for your loss. I totally understand how you are feeling. He was obviously a fit man as he was going running and for you to be so far away from home and to be told over the phone that he had died must have been horrendous. My husband died unexpectedly and it was a shock but we were able to be with him. The only advice I can give you is to take each day at a time, be kind to yourself and to talk about him as much as you can. You will surprise yourself when it comes to his funeral day. It sounds as if you have a good friend and friends are really important at a time like this. My husband and I used to do everything and go everywhere together so when he died I didn’t feel complete. It will be twelve months on Monday since he died and I never thought I would ever be able to go anywhere or do anything again, but over the months I have, with the help of friends, started to do some things again. This doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him every single day, but I am getting back to having some sort of life. People used to say “it will get better” but I couldn’t believe that it possibly could. My life isn’t “better” as to me my life was perfect before he died but I’m trying to get used to my “new” life and to learn to accept things. It will take a long time I know but it’s a step in the right direction I hope.

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Hi @Jsg, my heart goes out to you for how you suddenly lost your darling soulmate and weren’t able to be with him. I lost my husband suddenly too, prematurely, he was only 57,also fit and healthy, no warning signs. I was there at the time with my two children, the ambulance came but there was nothing they could do. It is so difficult to accept when it just happens out of the blue, unexpectedly. I still live in shock and disbelief, unable to come to terms with the fact that he was there one minute, gone the next.
I miss him more and more each day, he was and still is a part of me , always will be.
I find comfort sharing my thoughts with everyone here, as only others who have gone through the same loss can understand.
Take care,keep posting, it will help you to ‘talk’ to everybody here who can relate to how you’re feeling.

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I so relate with what you say about the shock and disbelief and unable to come to terms with being here one minute and gone the next. My husband’s death was not a sudden death but as someone takes their last breath those same things still apply. I wll never get used to him not being here. My mind is still in turmoil as I think about everything that happened. Love to all.X

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Hello JSG, my wife passed 4 weeks ago and I am numb, I have a 15 +17 year old daughters who have been brilliant but I am struggling to cope, it is good to know that I am not alone.

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Thank you all for your supportive comments. I seem to spend most of the day intermittently crying and seem to be spent by the evening when I numb myself out with trashy TV programmes. I am afraid I am having to avoid everything about the Queen as it is too close to home. I dead going to bed, dead waking up and the days are very long.

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Hi Jsg so sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband suddenly - cardiac arrest in bed beside me. He never regained consciousness although the paramedic said he could hear me so I was able to speak with him about our life, our kids and the grandchildren. I don’t know if he heard me or not but at least a it was my way of saying goodbye.

How I got through the fog of the first six months I’ll never know and I’ll never forget or get over his passing. I have just learned to live with a heavy heart and such sadness. I’ll never be that person I was before which is a shame because I quite liked that person. I just do what I can to get through each day. It’s not a race and no time table as to how to deal with it we just have to plod on.

Please keep posting your feelings. We all know exactly how you feel. We’ve all been there and are with you all the way.

Georgina xx

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So sorry for your loss. My husband Phil died whilst out cycling last November. The police came to fetch me and my last sight of him was being treated by the air ambulance Doctor for cardiac arrest. To be honest I don’t know how you get over the sudden shock but somehow you keep going. As others have said just take one hour at a time. The physical pain in your heart feels overwhelming, just try and breathe deeply. I know not much help as it’s such a horrible, unbearable and unbelievable state to be in but like everyone else here I genuinely feel and understand your pain
Holding your hand tightly!

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Dear God luv…What a shock i understand how you are feeling. I lost my partner of 35 years 2 years ago in tragic circumstances and I have no children.I think you are about my age.All I can say is keep talking don’t try to be brave right now .I thought I wouldn’t be able to get through the funeral but I did.Has he children?…Any other family members you can hold on to emotionally?
If not then it has to be friends …
Good luck and keep posting …Deborah

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Sending love and understanding. I lost my darling husband suddenly too. An apparently fit man who went out to play football and never came home.

Friends and family for me were a great support and helped me get through his funeral in May this year. Nobody can tell you what is going to help you but knowing that everyone else who would be coming to the funeral also cared can make you feel supported.

It is still a struggle for me every day but I do get through them and even laugh some days. Believe in yourself and know that you will be making him proud. x

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He had two adult children sins . My aunt is coming to stay with me the night before the funeral to support me and my sister is coming in the car with me along with one of his sons and his brothers and their wives

I keep crying all the time and lots of purple seem to struggle with it and some want to banish me to the doctors for some medication and a couple wanted me to do this only 3 days after he had died. Its interesting how many friends told me told mr to ring them if i need anything but they don’t contact me or contact me very little, The last thing I feel able to do is contact them when I feel like a miserable cloud raining on their day and may not be wanted - I need them to contact me - does anyone else feel like this?

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Yes, I’ve been told that a few times: “Call me if you need anything, even just a chat.” What! As if I could be in the mood to just pick up the phone and ask: “Hey, how you doing? Nice day today isn’t it?”. They just haven’t got a clue! Or another phrase that I just find irritating: “pop round and see me some time…” Nerve - wrecking.

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I still can’t believe my husband is dead but I feel as if our relationship and subsequent marriage was a film I watched rather than something I participated in. I struggle to visualise him around the house and its scares me as he only died just over 5 weeks ago and I don’t want to loose him. I don’t feel as if I have anything tangible - if we had children I would have some evidence of our v relationship but all I have are photos and belongings. One of my friends wondered if I can’t visualise him properly because it’s too painful and my brain is protecting me - I do hope so because I need to feel as if we actually happened as its making me feel even worse. Had anyone else experienced this?

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Hello, I am new on here.
I recently lost my husband of 9 years to a sudden heart attack end of July. He was just 38.
He leaves me with two young daughters. We had the most beautiful marriage based on love, respect, affection- just the ideal love. Sometimes i feel like our love was too good to ever last like it wasn’t realistic to ever be this happy in a relationship so he was taken away.
I can totally relate when you say you feel like you life was just a film. I was just saying this exact thing to my sister inlaw today. I reminisce the order of events; how we met, the early stages of young love, falling in love, the conversations and laughs we had, the disagreements, making up and it plays like a movie in my head. I now feel like this movie has come to a sad ending like my life has just stopped now.
I dont feel like the same person anymore. I look at past photos of myself with him and with others smiling in every photo and I don’t recognise this woman anymore.
I know this will take time but I am determined for better days if not for me but for my daughters.

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Hugs to you. Take care I sympathise with you but I’m 75 and lucky in one way as had 45 years with my love but heartbreaking :broken_heart: also very deeply. I hope you mange to get through with the help of family and friends

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I believe that your brain is protecting you. This grief is a very deep and fundamental emotion if you want to call it that. Our body knows what it needs to do to help us through this completely mind blowing situation, so just roll with it for now. In my life literally everything has changed and I just have to do what makes me happy in any given moment. That’s all there is any more x

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I know what you mean about it seeming too good to last as my husband and I were so happy together. We were lucky enough to have almost 29 years of marriage but losing him was still WAY too soon aged 60. We wanted to grow old together. The suddenness of it is possibly another factor which makes it seem so unreal, as if you are either in a nightmare now or were in a dream then.

A wise friend told me that how you feel at any given moment is exactly how you are MEANT to feel. There is no pattern to grief and we can’t predict what we will feel each week, day or moment of each day. Just know you are not alone. x

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