I’m sorry for your loss, I too lost my husband suddenly 12 December last year. I still can’t believe he has gone. I look across at the sofa and can imagine him still watching tv. We used to watch an Irish music channel together and he would say how he liked certain artists. I had bought a couple of CDs for Christmas for him but he never knew. I can’t play them without shedding a tear. He was at home when he passed away and every time I go into our room I can see him on the floor. Will I ever banish this picture from my mind. I have my children and grandchildren so am fortunate that I have this support but his family don’t bother with us . I have gone through most of the first anniversaries but I’m not looking forward to the anniversary of his death. Christmas will never be the same. If it wasn’t for the two youngest grandchildren I wouldn’t even bother with Christmas but they are too young to understand so I put up the tree last year even though it was hard. I’m sitting here crying while writing this. Will I ever be able to get through this pain. We were married for 52 years and I had known him since I was 16, he would have been 74 this year. I have his ashes at home with me as I couldn’t bear to have him buried. I know at some point I will have to move so want to be able to take him with me wherever I go. We had our ups and downs but I miss him so much.
Hi Beachgirl
I too lost my husband suddenly and the image of him on our bedroom floor while I tried to revive him will never leave me. My husband was only 65 and we had been married 44 years. Like you my family and friends have been a comfort for me but sitting alone day and night after night I feel so sad for myself. When he first died I wished it was me but I could never imagine how he would cope on his own and deal with this loneliness. It’s been almost 18 months for me and although I’m moving forward ever so slowly, the pain of my loss I feel will
never leave me. It just something I will have to live with.
Warm wishes to you.
Georgina
Hi Georgina, it must have been very difficult for you. I was spared that but my son was doing CPR while we waited for the ambulance. I must admit they came very quickly but there was nothing they could do. It hurts me to know my son tried but he never talks about it to me. I know he talks to his brothers. Maybe he thinks it would upset me. I’m fine when family is there but being on your own at night is when I feel it the most. My eldest is back home for the time being but I never let him know how low I am feeling. I can’t get used to not see him come in from the garden and me telling him his dinner is going cold. I put on a front during the day when neighbours ask how I am, I always say I’m fine but inside I’m hurting.icant imagine living the rest of my life without him. It’s still early days for me but hopefully at some point I can look forward to the future, but like you the pain will never go away.
Take care
Denise
Reading these posts has me almost in tears. Your stories resonate with mine, I also have that picture constantly in my mind, of my darling husband lying on the bathroom floor, me shouting out at my son to come down and help me, my daughter doing cpr, ambulance arriving but not being able to do anything. A scene I still can’t believe actually happened, as if it was all a bad dream and any minute now he’s going to appear again.
You’re right it is like a bad dream. The paramedics worked for a couple of hours with all sorts of specialists arriving. They even got him breathing again but because his blood pressure was through the floor he kept arresting and in the end they had to call it. It seemed hours from when the first paramedics arrived until the Undertakers took him away. We had to wait for the police to turn up and all sorts but it did give me some time with him alone before they took him away. Those few hours will stay with me forever always thinking was there more I could have done. But knowing deep down there was nothing.
Georgina
Hi everyone. I’m new to this group and this is my first time posting although I’ve read and reread a lot of the posts and can only thank you all for the ‘comfort’ if that’s the word that they’ve given me.
I lost my husband suddenly 12 days ago (18 September) and can’t actually believe I’m writing this. I feel so much pain but feel so numb at the same time - to the point of sometimes appearing ‘calm’ if that makes sense. I’ve had amazing support from family and friends but realise that no-one can ever understand like you guys what we’re going through and I’ve had several private meltdowns. We haven’t been able to make any funeral arrangements yet as we’re waiting for the post mortem so I feel in limbo and in a way it’s not real and I’m dreading the results next week because it will be real. At the moment I feel ok with the delay because I’m putting off the inevitable finality.
He died at home and I had to perform CPR waiting for the paramedics. But unlike a lot of comments on here I can’t visualise/remember it (which at the moment is a good thing). And I haven’t had that ‘waiting for him to walk through the door’ feeling or being able to visualise him around the house. What is wrong with me? Is this normal?
Sorry for rambling - it might not make sense but I’m just so heartbroken, confused and frightened I’m not thinking straight.
Thank you for reading.
I know the feeling my husband tried to pull himself up of the floor and I’d called my son to help but then he suddenly went down. His eyes were open and he was breathing but not responding to us talking to him I had called 999 and they said they would be with us as soon as they could. I went to get dressed and as I got back in the bedroom he stopped breathing. It was all as if it was a bad dream my son rang them back to tell them he had stopped breathing and they were there within 10 mins. Two ambulances and a first response they worked on him for an hour and thought at one point they had him but unfortunately nothing could be done. Imagine having to call the children at 2.30am to tell them. It was terrible. My daughter wouldn’t stay when the undertakers were ready to take him away, it was too upsetting for her. I think I was in shock as it didn’t seem real. We had to wait till February until we could hold his funeral because of the holidays and post mortem. I still can’t believe his gone. I say goodnight to him every night. We had so many plans, and now they are gone. He loved his birds and had aviaries in the garden full. It broke my heart to find new homes for them but I couldn’t look after them like he did. Some he had had for 20 years and were like family. To make matters worse we lost our 13 year old border collie Bess last August before I lost my husband then this year our other dog had cancer and had an emergency operation, still don’t know yet if she is out of the woods as due for check up next month. The day of the operation I came home and broke down. I couldn’t face losing her after everything else. Life felt as if it wasn’t worth living. Slowly but surely things have to get better even though the pain will never go away but will lessen with time,
Denise
My heart goes out to you Diane21 and I’m so sorry you have the need to join us here. I’ve only been here a week or so after losing my, seemingly fit and healthy 60 year old husband suddenly in April. He went out to play football as usual and never came home.
I was saved the ordeal of trying to resuscitate him, which many others here had to contend with. I know that I would have found that almost impossible to bear.
It’s very early days for you and as to how you feel and what you remember - everything with grief is normal. A wise friend told me once that how I was feeling at any given time is exactly how I am meant to feel.
I have oddly had a few better days, until today when I remark from my daughter about having seen the wife of another man from our village who also had a heart attack and that her husband was doing ok, set me off. How I wished that was me saying that.
Take your time and do whatever feels right for you. There are lots of people here who understand how you are feeling.
Sending love. xxx
Hi Diane, so sorry for your loss, limbo was exactly how we were over the Christmas period until you have that post mortem result it doesn’t feel real. Even then I thought it was a bad dream . It was the day of the funeral that it hit home he was really gone and I wouldn’t see him again. It was heartbreaking , still is.
Thinking of you
Denise
Thank you for your replies and so sorry for your loss
KarenF - I know exactly what you mean hearing about someone else - I’ve felt jealous of other people and wish that was me - felt life is so unfair. Why oh why didn’t we have the same chance?
Beachgirl - I’m dreading the day of the funeral because that will really hit home. We were supposed to be going away for the weekend to celebrate our granddaughters 5th birthday but it looks like the funeral will be the week before or week after. I’ve told my son to go ahead and he’s asked me to still go with them but not sure how I’ll feel - maybe the little ones will help? Not sure what to do - taking it a day at a time.
Sending love to you both.
Diane
Diane21,
It was my wedding anniversary 20 days after my husband died, which I was dreading. That day we went to visit the children my older daughter nannies for and being with the children certainly helped me through the day.
Hi Diane, if you feel that you want to go then please do. My one son has two daughters 6 and 7. He separated from his wife last October and they had booked to go to Butlins August before they separated, her decision not his. My husband said why didn’t I go with him to help with the girls, and I said I would mention it after Christmas not knowing then what was going to happen. Anyway after Christmas my son happened to say he didn’t know how he was going to manage the girls on his own so I said if he would like me to go and help him have a think and let me know. When he got home he text me to tell me they were home safe and that they would love me to go with them. It may seem as if I was being heartless so soon after but they all thought it would do me good to be away from the house for a bit. Even though I was going he was with me all the time during the day I was fine but the nights were bad as he should have been with me. But I didn’t let the girls see me upset as I would have hated to spoil their holiday as they were too young to understand fully what had happened. My son had told then that their grandad had gone to heaven before they came up Boxing Day so they wouldn’t ask where he was. Being with the little ones will help. It won’t take the pain away but being with them will help you. It certainly did me. Don’t get me wrong I loved my husband but he wouldn’t have wanted me to sit at home as I’m sure yours wouldn’t. We all grieve in our own way and time. There are definitely times when you want to be alone with your thoughts so you can think about the time you had together and things you did and possibly have a good cry, but we don’t need to shut ourselves away. Please think about going I’m sure your son really wants you there and would hate for you to be alone at this time.
Denise
Hi Denise
Thanks for your advice. I have spent a lot of this week with granddaughters and they have kept me going. They’re only 3 and 4 and have been told that granddad has gone to heaven but they’re too young to understand although they do know something is different. I’ve managed to keep it together while I’m with them then come home and have a good cry. I do think it will do me good to be with them. They were my husband’s little princesses and he absolutely adored them and I cry for what he won’t now get to see. He was actually their step grandad but everyone always said he was more of a grandad to them - even their natural grandads have said that! Life is so unfair but hopefully I’ll take some comfort being with them.
I understand the fear about the post mortem and the funeral as I was exactly the same as each thing reinforced the fact my husband had died. My Brian died 7 weeks today and I couldn’t visualise him around the house at all at first and it really upset me, although I still struggle to do this I have managed to vitalise him bringing me my morning cup of tea. I now seem to be actually pushing some memories away because of the intensity of pain they generate - its not a conscious decision and it feels wrong - has anyone else experienced this?
The level of pain I feel scares me and although it comes in waves sometimes it doesn’t feel like I will live through them.
Jsg, I do intentionally try to push thoughts and images aside if I am with people and trying to hide my tears. If alone I often let them come and even bring them on by listening to certain music if I know I need a good howl.
I find it builds up in me if I don’t let the tears out sometimes and I can’t function.
Anything you feel or do, whether intentional or unintentional, is normal. We have to just be who we are to try and learn to live with our awful new lives.
Sending love your way. xxx
My husband went out for a run and never returned. He was just 50. Me and my son went to find him when he was late - we were too late. No goodbyes. I spent my wedding anniversary with him at the Chapel of Rest. Both my children are having to go through heart tests to check if there is anything genetic. It’s been 16 months now. The flashbacks of the ambulance and police are fewer but still happen. The feeling of it being unreal never goes away. I didn’t dream about him much to start with - I think the brain protects us - and don’t much now. It takes time and I will never be the same person - I can’t be. Sending my thoughts to all of you in the same position.
My husband went for a run too - he was 63. He had dropped me at the airport at 6.30am for a weekend in Edinburgh with friend and by 8am had died. I got off the plane to phone calls trying to reach me. Its 9 weeks today since it happened and I can’t believe he isn’t coming home and like you it feels so unreal - I am just so lost. I feel as if my life has been obliterated.
Yes, I had all those feelings - still have. The brain has great difficulty in processing that one minute they’re there and the next minute they’re not. The waves that hit you will become further apart and some of the, will become smaller but there will always be that aching for the life that we had. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that we have a life that we didn’t want or ask for instead of the one we had planned. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s not to bother planning as we don’t really have any control. Keep posting. Refugeingrief.com may help. It’s written by someone who lost her partner suddenly so she understands what it’s like. Take care
I agree. The waves do hit you for no apparent reason. They become less frequent but the intensity is still the same. I don’t think time heals but you just have to learn to live a different life.
@Jules4 and @Pat7 agreeing with you both about the waves hitting at any time - my latest was at the checkout in Screwfix as they asked the name on the account and I realised I hadn’t changed it so had to explain. Poor young man on the checkout was lovely.
I do find doing jobs my husband would be proud of helps me to feel worthwhile and that I am honouring him in some way. Plus it keeps my mind too busy to brood for that period of time.