Sudden death

My partner of 20 years died suddenly a month ago. He was 46. We laid him to rest 2 days ago. There are days that the pain is unbearable, but the next almost feels normal. I never imagined a life without him in it, and the prospect of having to “move on” scares me. I have lost confidence in doing even the smallest everyday tasks, I dont even know how I’m going to manage going back to work next week (they have been amazing).

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Oh my, I’m so sorry that you find yourself here. I understand exactly how you feel: we all do. Everything is different and scary and you can’t imagine how the future will be or how you will cope. But you will get through. One step, one day at a time. Going back to work helped me because it was just the same as it had been before. It was a degree of normality. It wasn’t easy to get ready on the first day or walk in to the condolence’s and hugs but then it was business as usual. And that was good. Please do speak with them though if you don’t feel ready yet and see how they can help. A phased return maybe. Please don’t pressure yourself to move on either. Whatever feels right for you at this moment probably is and if that happens to be taking some time to heal a little that’s OK. And everything you accomplish, however small, is a triumph. Some days I struggled to get out of bed let alone get a shower or get dressed. And even tiny problems had me sobbing. I felt pathetic. But I wasn’t; I was just trying to cope with grief. Which is sh*t as it happens! You will find strength you won’t believe and you will cope. There will always be someone on here who will listen and understand. You are absolutely not alone. Take care x

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I’m sorry for your loss :cry: my husband also died suddenly 1 month ago (today) - he was 43. And I don’t know where that time has gone. His funeral is next Friday and I’m not looking forward to it. They say that the funeral is meant to bring some sort of closure, but for me it won’t as I still do not know why he died after an inconclusive post mortem - Im told it could take another 12 weeks before I get answers. I find myself ok one minute and crying the next, and if I try to do something in the house I feel guilty, wondering if that means I’ve moved on too quickly. I have found an inner strength that I didn’t know I had, and friends, family and work have been amazing. At the moment I just concentrate on 1 hour at a time, and remind myself that my hubby would hate to see me in such a state. Stay strong xx

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Oh sweetheart, im exactly the same. We had talked about moving the furniture around and as I was tidying up I did it, and put new curtains up. Afterwards though, I worried people might think I was being hasty. Part of the reason I did it was because I need to keep busy. I couldn’t arrange a funeral or do all of those financial things, as he needed a post-mortem. My partner was also exactly 1 month ago today. Xxx

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My partner passed … will be 2 years end of July… it does get easier …if you have people you can speak too… mine hated him towards the end… he was only 43 when I found him passed :disappointed:

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I am so sorry for your loss. I went through exactly the same thing losing my husband so suddenly over ten months ago. I was totally lost without him and at times losing the will to live, however, 10 months on although I am still feeling lost and empty but have realised I have learned a lot each day trying to deal with every day issues that he used to take care of and hoping one day it will become second nature having to do everything all by myself. Life alone is horrible and empty and I hope you will find the help and support from your nearest and dearest to get through the grief of losing your beloved.
Please take care X

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Yeh struggling with this life alone at moment. Strange how we go through periods when its bearable and then others when its really not ! I hate living my life as a single person. I hated it before i met my darling husband and i hate it now ! I suppose when i was younger at least i had youth on my side too … now its just so very hard without him. So sick of it after 14 nearly 15 months of trying to survive it ! Some days are just totally crap and i am feeling it this morning without him laying next to me … miss his cuddles so much ! X

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Hi it’s 3 months for me now. I really relate to what you’re all saying. I haven’t returned to work yet, I still can’t face it but I will have to soon for financial reasons. My job is so stressful though and I fine just coping with day to day life alone is enough struggle right now.

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@Deb5 yes I realise just how easy it is to take closeness for granted especially when it’s no longer there . The companionship is such a big part of a long term relationship too , and the laughs . The amount of jokes we just shared without having to explain them . Things like that are what I miss . I miss his strong arms wrapped around me when I needed to be held and I don’t think anyone’s hug will ever feel like that . I’m broken xxx

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Thank you guys. Although I hate that anyone else has had to go through this, it is a comfort to know that others know how I feel, can empathise and give love advice and support xx

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@Dimples81 i think that being on here is the only way we can find true empathy. We are all facing the same emptiness, the same sadness and the same loss . It’s great if you have supportive people around you but to truly understand I believe you have to be in the same situation. It’s very sad and obviously I don’t wish this on anyone but the fact of the matter is this is where we are all at and we can support each other with empathy and compassion xxx

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My husband died very suddenly just two weeks ago. I’m still in shock, and the enormity of a future without him is just overwhelming. Everything seems so pointless. He was my best friend and the person I did everything with. How do you cope?

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@CaroClaire i am so sorry your husband and best friend has died . When I lost my man in January 2023 , it was sudden ( immediate) and totally unexpected. I went into shock and still feel this sense of shock now too . My partner was my lover , my best friend and my entire world . I don’t know how I’ve made it this far but I have . I think sheer inner strength gets you through. I’m not happy, don’t get me wrong , I certainly don’t want another relationship either because nobody will ever be right for me like he was . Our love is irreplaceable. I think that taking an hour at a time at the beginning is a good start , then trying to build on this. As others have said , I too have far too much time on my hands for thinking, for ruminating and thinking about happier times . I’m not yet at the stage where happy memories bring me comfort and this is after 14 months. I feel alone and displaced in life . I’m currently living with my dad after moving and making a poor choice where to live . This is great because I know my dad loves me , but I know I need my own space- I’m working on getting my own place again by the end of next month if my plan works out . I don’t like the uncertainty that comes with the loss of a special person . It’s so lonely when you can’t ask someone’s opinion on things , or just spend time with them and be . Life is incredibly hard . I’m not going to tell you it will be easy , but with sheer bravery and determination you will make it through. Your new life will not look like the life you had chosen, but you will adapt. You will gradually emerge out of the fog and hopefully find moments of joy . I have a new grandson, my first , and although I’ve not seen him yet , this is a tiny chink of joy in my otherwise unhappy life . I now realise there is reason to have some optimism, but my sadness is still there because my partner is not around to share in this joy . So all events in life for me anyway, come with a downside which I have to accept. If I don’t accept that my chapter in life with my loving msn is over then I won’t survive and these days , life is all about survival, not the persuit of happiness I’m afraid xxx

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Thank you, I appreciate the words you say. There are so many mixed feelings already. All the plans we had, and we were so very happy together, I’m sad that he has been robbed of his future but I feel like mine has gone too.

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@CaroClaire you are right when you say you both have beds robbed of your future. I don’t have a future is the way I see life and it’s a matter of survival. Maybe at some point in the future I will think differently but I can’t guarantee this .
The loss of your life partner has to be the worst possible bereavement ( other than loss of a child ) because as you say , you lose the person but you also lose your hopes and dreams too . We had so many plans . Nothing grand - a few holidays in the uk booked and we were planning a road trip to the Isle of Skye for my 60th birthday in July. We’d also planned to marry - something we probably should have done in the 20 years we were together but we thought we had forever ahead of us . His death came without warning , no symptoms, nothing . He was just suddenly gone . There are so many things we had left to do and enjoy in life but never had the opportunity. For now it’s a matter of survival- maybe in time I will make plans again but for today , I live for the here and now . I feel it’s as much as I can manage . J hope you are able to be strong and survive this - one day hopefully our lives will be different and we will find some peace xxx

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I feel the same , my husband of 40 years died whilst we were abroad it was very sudden and I feel so sad that all plans will never happen, we had just moved house and had so many plans for our future, I feel I just go through everyday best I can with a brave face on but when alone I’m so lost , cannot believe I am 3 months on already not sure how as it feels so raw, feeling your pain

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I’m so sorry for your loss… unless it’s happened to you. No one understands… you’re not alone… I found the only comfort x

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I can totally relate to every word you said :broken_heart:
Big hugs & take care X

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Grief counsellor Julia Samuel says that there is no hierarchy in grief, but that a sudden death brings about grief “with the volume turned up”. She also said that sudden death is like being part-way through speaking a sentence and being unable to finish it.

My dad died suddenly. Sunday 5th Nov, he and my brother came to mine for tea, Tuesday 7th Nov I spent the evening with him and my mum at their house. That evening was the last time I saw him conscious. I think I remember him coming back from next door as I drove away, that night, and my heart bursting with love for him. I adore my dad so much. I honestly think that he’s flawless.

Not being able to talk to him, and this being a sudden reality that has been forced upon us, is unbearable. It’s not the “not being able to say goodbye”, it’s not being able to continue my sentence, and carry on adoring him in person for the next 23 years, until he reaches the grand old age that his father reached.

And, of course, like many others, my dad’s death was entirely preventable were it not for the government refusing to adequately fund the NHS.

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@Burgled im so sorry that your beloved dad has died . Yes I can understand the grief with the volume turned up phrase . My partner died suddenly in January 2023 and the realisation still hasn’t fully gone in . I’m still in disbelief and I feel robbed of any future life . He was 59 . I cannot see a way forward at the moment because I’m completely stuck . I feel physically in very bad shape and my mental health has taken a battering . Unfortunately my son has not been a good support to me since this happened meaning I feel extremely isolated with my grief . He was my son’s stepdad for 20 years , so I feel very disappointed by his lack of care . I don’t know if his death could have been prevented because he had absolutely no symptoms. One minute he was here the next he was gone . It’s terrifying isn’t it xxx

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