My husband died suddenly at the end of February. He was 54. I am 47. I feel broken mentally and physically. I am just about doing the basics for my kids each day with huge effort. I am so overwhelmed that I find it hard to cry. The Dr asked me if I was suicidal and I said I have no intention of ending my life but I don’t want to be alive because my life feels so awful now. And I feel bad saying that as my husband has lost his life and I still have mine but now I hate it. I thought I would be stronger than this but I just don’t want to be here any more.
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@Cattia my partner was also only 54 when he passed away in December. And I still feel absolutely lost and lonely and I also feel I wish I wasn’t here. I keep doing the daily things that need going, looking after our 2 dogs and parrots and just hope that one day this pain will get easier. I have been having some therapy and some counselling. It helps you focus a bit on yourself and how you have to take care of yourself. I hope you are able to do this a bit x
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Its so much harder than we thought it was gonna be isnt it ? Im nearly 16 months into this and have good days and bad days still … up and down. Some days are ok and other days are just awful and miss the hugs and the person next to me everyday 
it does get easier with time in some ways but not in others its still as sad but i suppose you learn to handle it in a sort of strange fashion i would say more like muddling through tbh xx
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Exactly. One minute here; the next, gone.
Someone who has been through the same told me that all you can do is choose whether you’re going to sink or swim.
So, swim it is, carrying around the trauma and loss for however many decades. 
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I feel the same way. Losing partner, lover, best friend in my life means you’ve lost hopes and dreams too as you say. We had our little holidays planned, we started look for a house to buy together… I know that his family and friends are also grieving but they did not talk with him every day, share a bed , share every little things day to day. That’s the hardest. I keep on thinking I could have saved him
If I was able give CPR properly and called the ambulance earlier. My life would have been totally different. We were so happy and in love. It’s devastating to know that no matter how much I try I will never have that happiness. I guess we all just need to try and watch minutes and hours go by. Sunday is particularly hard. It was our day. . It’s so isolating to go through this pain, but being able to share the feelings at this forum helps.
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@January sunday is my hardest day too, I try to keep busy on Sundays but it’s hard to keep motivated x
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@Vixen thanks for replying. Only thing that helps at the moment is knowing there are people out there going through the same pain. The doctor advised that there’s nothing I can do but sit through the pain. I don’t really know how I can do that. Everything reminds me of my partner and I feel like i can’t breathe
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I know how you feel , my wife’s brother and mum live in Ireland ( we are in Manchester) , I get how devastated they are but and this will probably sound horrible , they have lost a phone call / texts each day , I’ve lost the woman I spent virtually every hour of the day with , slept with , ate with , worked in the same house with since covid , always together never needed anyone else ( apart from the kids obviously) . Not that it’s a competition but when they keep going on about memories from 30 years ago I feel like screaming
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Exactly !! I tried to explain that to everybody at the beginning ! They were our partner, we were with them everyday ! So much harder for us i know orher people are very sad but its absolutely devastating for us x
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I relate so much to all of these comments. My husband was 56 and seemingly in good health when he had a cardiac arrest in February. I tried CPR but failed to save him. This tortures me every day but the pain when every inch of the house we shared screams out that he has gone is too much. I hate weekends when I used to love them. The plans we had I am now slowly cancelling. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through this loss truly understands the all consuming pain. It is our whole lives that have changed xx
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That’s exactly how I feel. His family and friends have not lost the day to day routines and future plans - and yes they talk about memories from years ago. I am jealous of them. I know it’s not nice and it’s weird but I feel like I want to scream and tell everyone that Steven was my lover and best friend
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Yeh exactly xx
@Vixen, unfortunately no, haven’t had any counselling. I just registered with Better Help yesterday - I have asked doctors but they are going to “explore options “ apparently. I am not sure what they mean … I just need to sort that out myself I think
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Hi. I lost my much loved partner/soul mate in January this year in a mountain accident while we were in holiday. I think the initial profound shock is wearing off and its only started to really dawn on me that he’s truly no longer with me in the past few weeks. He was 53 and a loving, kind, gentle man. I miss him constantly. I manage pretty well but it seems like a long and daunting road ahead.
Good to know there are others out there who understand how this feels. Friends and family have been amazing but can’t be constantly with you.
I hope everyone is finding the strength to get through.
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@Rainbow1 bless you. You must be really suffering sending a hug x, we can’t say it will get easier because it doesn’t we just have to keep going on with our lives x
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Sorry for your loss , thing is as much as I love my friends / family and I know they want to help , I don’t want them here all the time , I just want my wife back to be with me all the time like she was before .
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I know exactly what you mean but time is a healer and it is so awful without them. But you do find people come into your life who help you and stop u feeling lonely but its baby steps for sure ! Xx
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