sudden death

my father was killed suddenly 5 months ago he was a pedestrian in a road traffic incident.
really struggling to get my head around it all I still think hes here? it doesn’t feel real

I’m sorry your post has not had a response yet, so am sending you my love and reassurance that everything you feel is normal as you deal with the tragic loss of your Dad. It’s an unknown journey we embark on, you will find people who share experience that you can relate to and some you can’t. So feeling your Dad is still there and it being unreal is absolutely normal. The important thing to realise is how crucial it is to express how you feel, don’t suppress it, it will help you I promise.

thank you for reply really struggling at the moment lifes so unfair

Dear Shellmath, my partner also passed so suddenly I was speaking to him with his coffee at approx 9 am. When I went to say Goodbye I was off to work (I work afternoons) he was dead from a heart attack. The shock is unbelievable no warning at all so I totally empathise with - I sometimes still feel he will be in bed when I enter the bedroom. cannot get past it and that was 6 months ago - time had no meaning ! Take care x Wilma-D

Dear Shellmath

My daughter is not a member of this forum - but we lost my husband/her dad very suddenly four months ago. We are both struggling in different ways. We found him on our return home from work - so lots of guilt that we were not there all mixed up with missing him desperately, not being able to say goodbye or tell him how much we loved him, together with the disbelief that he is no longer here and expecting him to return somehow as if he has just been away. It is so hard but try and follow the advice given my others to us and that is to just take it a little bit at a time- don’t think future - just get through the hours and the days will follow. Talk to others here, it helps I think.

Trisha xx

thank you for reply I’m so sorry for your loss. the shock is unbearable it leaves you with a feeling of emptiness and disbelieve my thoughts are with you also x

thank you for taking the time to reply to me it means alot and I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband I no the pain your in I’m living it I think your absolutely right I cannot think future at the moment I need to take things day by day I have two children who miss their grandad terribly so I try do my grieving myself but it’s hard sometimes nice to talk to someone who understands

I lost my husband of 24 years suddenly and horrifically one month ago. I mumbled goodbye to him when he left the house for work that morning and he never made it back home. I have tremendous guilt and pain our last words weren’t I love you. It is a suffocating pain that terrifies me.

Dear Morr

When we lose our partners without any warning it is only natural we go over our last conversations and regret what we do or don’t say. I used to speak to my husband at lunch time and the day I lost him we had a very hurried conversation about dinner that night and then I said I have got to go I am busy - how I wish I had spent just a couple more minutes talking to him - how I wish I had not rushed out the house that morning too and I think about it still five months on, But not matter how we lose them we all have the ‘I wish I had’ thoughts. I know my husband loved me, I know he was happy and that is enough for now. I know I will always miss him desperately - I know however we lose our partners there is no easy way. We live each day as we do - not as if it is our last - that would just not be natural. I am sure he knew you loved him - life is busy so try not to feel guilty - he would not want that. Take care and try and find comfort from this forum - it has helped me so much. xx

Thank you so much. It is helpful to know I am not alone.

Hi shellmath,

I’m sorry you lost your dad suddenly. It’s so hard and I’ve lost both parents in this way.
My dad had a massive heart attack aged 53 whilst waiting for my mum to bring him a cup of tea.
17 weeks ago my mum aged 74 had a routine operation under local anaesthetic and for an unknown reason suffered a catastrophic brain hemorrhage in the recovery room.
People are fond of telling me that they have died in a ‘kind’ way. I understand what they are trying to say but neither of my parents got the opportunity to say goodbye, prepare for their deaths or do last things they wanted to. I feel completely bitter about what has happened and cannot move forward.
I also feel that its unreal and expect mum to walk into my living room and ask if I fancy a cup of tea or for me to see if she has gone to bed when I get in from work.
Then I think to myself, how awful must it be to say goodbye to them or to watch them dying from a horrible illness.
I also in my better moments have a belief that things happen for a reason albeit I cannot fathom why mum just had to die or your poor dad had to be killed in an accident.
Thinking of you. Try to look after yourself at this awful time.
Cheryl x

I too lost my husband very suddenly a month ago. I have had moments where I believe he is just away and will be home soon. And then the reality crashes down on me over and over. It is repeated torture daily.

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Hi Morr,

It is a daily torture I agree. I cant believe my mum didnt come home from a outpatient appointment.
We miss her so much in our house. Life just isn’t the same and I will cry for the rest of my days.
I’m sorry for your loss. Sudden death is so hard x

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Dear Morr

When it is so sudden and completely unexpected and without any warning we cannot seem to accept it - I am not sure I have now five months on . I still feel he is away and will be back sometime - but as you say the reality hits hard. I think I coped initially by pretending he was in another room - ot downstairs watching tv when I was in bed. In fact I still do that sometimes - I talk to him too. After forty years of telling him everything I am not going to stop now! I wondered how I would stay in our home - but now I find comfort here and feel as if he is here still. The warmth remains in our house and I still say our and we not me and my. Take it an hour or a day at a time. xx

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Thank you for your reply. I take comfort in what you said.

Dear TrishaF, it is so true, my husband of nearly 59 years had been unwell for some time, he had all kinds of tests, on the 15th August, last, I went to ask a medically trained friend and neighbour if she would come and take a look at him, because I was worried. When I returned home (after less than 3 minutes) he was dead on the floor in our bedroom, I was so shocked, in fact, is it possible for shock to last so long? I am heartbroken. Love, MaryL

shellmatth, there is nothing fair in this life, as I have discovered during the 80 years, I have been on this earth and I don’t believe that it will ever change. Take care, I do understand, I am struggling too. MaryL

Hi Shellmath
I do hope you are getting through each day as well as you can.
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your father from his sudden death. It must have been a huge shock and tremendously difficult for you to take it in. I have a lot of admiration for you that you have found this site and have been able to post your feelings and thoughts. I speak to my husband every day I feel he is still near and it has helped. I know not everyone does that but it’s how you feel that counts. I really believe he can hear me and that is helpful.
I write a list of things I try to do each day it helps as I get forgetful and if I’ve ticked off one from that list then it’s good if not no sweat.
I hope you continue to find support from other people who seem to really understand what this place,we find ourselves in, is all about.
Just knowing that you can post how you’re faring each day and people here on this site will get your situation straight away and even though we can’t change events we can empathize with each other and understand.
At the end of July, nearly twelve weeks ago, my husband of thirty three years and my daughters dad, died suddenly. He was in hospital on ward for some other condition but within an hour we went from chatting away and listening to the radio to watching my husband tragically die in front of us both. The shock was monumental and we are both still struggling with those last images. No one had any idea he was dying least of all us. The coroner is investigating my husbands death and we are still waiting for his findings. I totally understand the ‘it doesn’t feel real’ that you find yourself in. I think the shock takes time to come out and the numbness is the way our minds protect us. We can’t make sense of it because until we get answers it makes no sense.
From coming on to this site I have seen just how many people are going through similar if not the same situations. It has been helpful to me to find I, we, are not on our own.That there are so many people here who can offer support with sincere understanding is so good.It helps to know that compassion and understanding can be found from people who you wouldn’t have known had it not been for losing a cherished loved one.
Take care Anne

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8 weeks since I lost my amazing husband and father of my kids. First court appearance by the person who killed my husband was today. Horrifying experience. Feel so incredibly alone even though surrounded by our family. Want to scream and cry and curse at the turn our life has taken but I have children to protect so I can’t fall completely to pieces a million times a day like I feel I could. My grief has to be stuffed down inside me sometimes.do not want to go on anymore.

Morr,

Your situation is being made even worse that you have court cases and seeing the person that was responsible for your husbands premature death must be so difficult. I am thinking of you at this awful time and I hope your children are doing ok x

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