A hard day today for me. 5 weeks today Mum passed away suddenly. I’m still in shock. Mum’s birthday is today too. She would have been 75. There are two gifts, which I’d already purchased which I took into her room. I gave the gifts to empty room, explaining them and wishing her a Happy Birthday. I picked up the phone and it was an old childhood friend wanting to wish my Mum Happy Birthday. I had to explain it all. I don’t know how I managing to do this, but I am. The funeral is still to come and I’ll be glad when its done. It’s surreal. None of this was expected. I have to tell myself at points ‘stop it’! Just so I don’t make myself totally unwell. Thank you for listening. Hugs to all.
Daffy
I’m sorry you are having a bad day today. I know there are no good days as such and you are still only 5 weeks down the line. I’m dreading what would have been my mum 75th in 19 days time. We should be planning her day, not me planning how I am going to avoid crying all day.
The shock of our mums going is so hard to come to terms with. I’m 20 weeks in and no nearer to finding any peace with this. I’m very angry, bitter and sad all in one.
You are brave to have taken her gifts into her room. I feel like crying just thinking about it.
Hopefully the funeral will help. Things are so unsettled right now x
I just had to reply you message. I hope you get through the funeral ok and I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to celebrate your mum’s birthday like this. This is yet to come just around the corner for me and I’m dreading it.
Like you, I occasionally play the pretend game where I can almost imagine mum is still around and that I can talk to her. I even go as far as saying things to an empty room as if she is in it and it’s worse if I go round to her house because I can almost act out a one sided play with her making me a cup of tea. Very silly I know and it’s probably not doing me any good.I sometimes say goodnight to the box she is now in. Why do I do this?
I’m probably going to get the usual flowers I would get her and have them delivered to my house but I’m not sure if doing that will make me more upset.
Yep, I think I’m going a bit crazy!
Shaun I dont think there is any crazy behaviour when dealing with grief.
I used to say good morning and good night to mums ashes before I scattered them. I’m so pleased they arent at home anymore. After all it is just a box with ashes in.
We have to get through this any way we can. If we gave to pretend they are still around to get us through then so be it.
There are no rights or wrongs, just us trying to get through the worst time of our life x
Thank you for responding Shaun73. Our loved ones have gone abruptly. We need time to catch up with the new reality. I believe I’m going to be speaking to my Mum for a long time. There’s a lot I need to say to her. I had a fast google. Apparently, talking to love ones when they have passed is good for processing grief and helping mental health. Later, in the day I ended up in the garden planting daffodils in tubs. My mothers favorite flower. Every other year we’d re-new the tubs. If I hadn’t purchased the bulbs the garden would look a little empty next Spring. The Spring garden was her favorite. Now that I planted up so many tubs it’s going to be bitter sweet next year. I’m glad I’ve done it, but so much seems to be a reminder. I feel like I thinking through a brain fog!
C1971 - Excuse my perhaps stupid question. Do you still feel in shock? I gain the impression that you still are. I’m glad the day is nearly over, as I stayed in all day. The call from Mum’s childhood friend was an added strain, as she wanted to touch upon their childhoods and I didn’t really feel ready. It’s been a struggle. In the end I decided to make a donation to one of Mum’s favorite charities. It lifted me for a few minutes. She would have like the fact that i donated on her birthday. It’s a bit dangerous, as it would be so easy to be too generous due to grief. x
Daffy,
I definitely feel in shock still.
I absolutely cannot believe that mum has gone. It all feels like some joke.
I’m sitting in a pub in town having a pizza with my daughter and just cant believe mum isn’t with us. The shops are full of xmas decorations and I dont know how I am to get through this festive period.
My mum is dead. Excuse me but what the hell.
This pretty much sums up my feelings for the last 20 weeks. I constantly replay the moment the doctor at hospital told us mums bleed on the brain was severe. I thought she isn’t going to survive. And she didnt yet I still search for her everywhere. I can ‘see’ her in the house, in town, at the bus stop.
I am definitely in shock.
Glad you made the donation. Instead of flowers we donated to the stroke association and I recently received a letter of thanks. The letter and seeing my mum described as deceased just stopped me in my tracks.
But we have to go on dont we? X
That’s that then, another day over and a new one to come. One day at a time.
It’ll be 10 weeks this Thursday, double digits, nothing to celebrate though. It seems like everyone counts the days, weeks etc like some sort of obsession. Is that true? I’m wondering if I’ll ever stop counting. I’m probably slightly afraid to stop as that might mean I’m forgetting. The numbers hurt though, it puts a value on distance.
I’ve just been round for my punishment at mums house and it seems so empty and quiet there now, not how I remember it used to be. Not even the sound of a ticking clock now since those have been removed. It’s strange and I don’t know if it’s just me but sometimes while I’m there I might get smell almost appear out of nowhere. Now I’m not a superstitious person so I’m just putting it down to air movement and her things. It does stop me in my tracks though like tonight as I was going up the stairs, just for a few seconds. Smell is such a powerful reminder and takes it out of me when I experience it. Not sure if it’s a comfort or not though, what use is the smell without the person who created it? Anyone else have strange experiences like that?
And yes, while I was there I did play the pretending game again while looking at the kettle, just to make it worse for myself in that quiet house. I listen hard but there is no sound to greet my ears, just the continuation of…nothing.
I hope everyone is getting through their days ok. I don’t mean to depress anyone but I just thought I’d share a bit of my evening with you. I’ll now go and watch some rubbish tv before hitting the sack and repeating the day again.
I also count the weeks. 8 today. Every day is a new layer of hell for me. Every day.
Hi shaun,
I count the weeks like it’s an obsession. I’m at the 20 week stage and I wonder when I will turn it into months? The reality is that it will be 5 months on the 14th November but that figure is too scary. Plus I cant go a full month without counting the time that has passed so i will stick with weeks. But your right the passing of time just shows that distance since we last had them, saw them and life was normal for us. It makes me cry when i think about the emotional trauma i have been through and the upset of those first days and weeks.
I’m up at 3 am with my daughter who has a sickness bug and my mum would always have been here to help. It just feels so unreal.
As for smells, we all lived together so I dont get anything like that and I’ve got rid of mums clothes and washed all her bedding. When I last gave mums living room a Hoover i found one of her grey hairs on the sofa which upset me.
Many years ago when my grandmother died my sister smelt a strong smell of roses a couple of times which she was convinced was her, but I never did.
I had a weird day yesterday. It’s been 10 weeks Monday just gone. Yesterday I briefly cried in the morning. Then felt nothing all day. Just empty. That’s worse than the raw pain. After mum died The following couple of weeks I had a couple Of incidents where I could smell her very strongly. But it hasn’t happened for a while now. She is getting further away.
Morning joules,
I think what you’re experiencing is just grief as time passes. The bouts of excessive crying start to reduce and are replaced by a few tears and just periods of quiet, sadness and numbness.
I now have 2 or 3 brief moments of tears every day and the rest of it feels as you have described. Quiet, sad, reflecting with odd pangs of guilt and wishing I could turn the clock back.
I think I might be doing a bit better if it was a different time of year. I had to pop to town for a school coat first mu daughter last night and just couldn’t bear the xmas decorations, the music and the general happiness around me.
If I didnt have a child to do xmas for, i would let it pass this year.
Hope you get on ok today x
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Cheryl I think you have described it perfectly. A few tears then just deep sadness. Moments of reflection and sometimes guilt, hope your daughter is feeling better. It’s definitely the time of year we could do without coming up so quickly.
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If it weren’t for the kids I would quietly let it pass too. My daughter went to play Xmas music in the car this morning. I had to say to her “not yet please”. Normally it would be my blasting that music and watching Xmas films since 1st November
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Oh I know. I would have been the same. I used to listen to capital gold because I love 60s music but I havent switched on since mum died. My daughter has to listen to LBC, now, poor thing.
The other day she reeked off all the presenters to my neighbour. I bet they thought, poor kid!
Reeled
A few weeks ago, I could smell a scent which could be associated with Mum in her sitting room There are some of her clothes hanging on a door in there. I was drawn to the conservatory, where I noticed a blue tit and become trapped. It was all over in seconds, once the bird was released. For a minute I wondered if that a sign, but it didn’t give me comfort. Part of me is happy to believe anything, within reason, if it helps the healing process. Thank you for sharing your evening.
I think the last few posts hit on so many things so perfectly.
The smell at my mums house is fading since all her things, furniture etc are being removed so less of her there, that’s sad in a way but has to be. It would be torture to leave it as it was.
I do fewer tears now compared to the first couple of weeks. It’s now a different sort of grief and now it’s deep down sadness. That’s not to say I don’t cry ever as things sneak up and hit me at random times. Little triggers I don’t see coming, normally every day. It’s still awful, just a different kind of awful!
We are mourning not just the person who has left us but all the things that were associated with them and the things we used to do in times gone by.
Mum used to listen to Radio Scilly all the time. I’d like to but I can’t right now as it evokes memories of happy holidays.
I hate the idea of listen to Xmas music. Last year I embraced it but now it reminds me of a better time.
I do look back to the days after losing her and that itself gives me great pain, to almost see myself suffering in my mind and I wonder how I ever survived those initial days, that’s how I can relate to those on here who are only a few days in to their grief. I don’t like mourning the passage of time but I can’t avoid it.
My daughter is still at home today. Should have gone back to school on Monday but has had some stomach bug and they don’t like kids in school until 48 hours after the last event! Poor thing, but she is as ever her happy self today and I am happy for her.
Hope you are all getting through another day.
The night after my mum died I had the most vivid dream. We were standing on a beach she looked happy and healthy wearing a pink jacket. No longer in her hospital gown. We hugged so tight. We couldn’t hug properly in the hospital because of her pain in her back and all the machines. She said “I love you so so much”. She then kissed me several times on the lips. Then she was gone. I woke up shaking and crying. I have never had such a vivid dream before and never had one since. On the day of mums funeral a pink jacket was hanging in the conservatory and I asked dad “have I seen that before”. He said I don’t think so she bought it for our holiday to Isle of Wight a few weeks ago.
I dong know if that means anything. I like to think that was her saying goodbye to me in my dream. I do hold on to that dream with comfort.
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That’s quite an unsettling dream. I haven’t had any particular dreams that I remember. I may have had some, just can’t remember any!
I do look for signs even though I don’t have any particular belief system. I look for anything to give me comfort and I keep an open mind. So far though apart from the smell thing, I’ve had nothing much else. I don’t know what I’d really accept as a sign. The week after mum died I was in the garden and several times I had a robin come near me. That is often said to be a sign and although I never subscribed to that idea I did take some comfort in thinking that she was there watching me. I hope she is in fact.
I don’t know if anyone has had this but one distinct change in my grief I’d noticed, happened about 2 to 3 weeks in. up until then each morning I’d wake up and for about a second or two think everything was great and normal but then I would suddenly remember and be plunged off a cliff again. It was a horrible feeling each day and was like my old self briefly starting the day. I’m glad that has now passed and now I wake without that horrible cliff fall. That is something I guess to be grateful for.
10 weeks today, double digits. It’s a sunny day at least!