You’re right about the waking thing although I was much further down the line before the cliff fall thing stopped. I reckon I felt that sickening reality for at least 3 months.
Now at 20 weeks I wake and know immediately that she has gone, then the darkness appears and I feel so down. From what I read this will eventually change but i no longer ask when this will be. I have come to accept that this light that has switched off in my world may not go back on for a long time.
I suspect that the new year with xmas and all festivities behind me may be the start of brighter times but then I’ve got my birthday in February, my daughters in march, mothers day etc.
Oh well. Let’s not start the day with a gloomy message, as you say the sun is shining.
Have a good day x
The key thing is that’s you’ve made some progress. Who cares how long it takes?
Good analogy with the switched off light. Don’t know about you but I find that I seem to be mourning many things, not just the loss of one of the most important people in my life. I also mourn the loss of myself. What I mean by that is that I miss my old self. I can look back introspectively and see when I was happy and I’m not that person anymore, where have I gone? I want that person back but I don’t see that as possible but I really want it to be possible. Does that make sense?
I can imagine that this time next year I’ll be exhausted with all the anniversaries and events to come.
The sun is still shining and after a morning of not achieving much I’ll have a cup of tea now and get some fresh air.
Shaun x
Everything you say is how i feel. I don’t want to go on but I have to. I dont want to be happy but I have to try. I spent most of my life dreading losing my mum and now I have I cant believe it.
And the pain I feel is exactly what I thought it would be.
We think alike then. I’ve not mentioned it before but I used to imagine a time without my mum, because we all know nobody is around forever. I’ve never mentioned that to anyone and certainly not her. I’d sometimes think whilst out walking that one day she won’t be around but then at the same time remind myself that nah, it won’t be for a long time yet. Well now I truly understand what it’s like and wondering, why now?
I still like getting out for my walks with maybe some music on the go. It’s a different kind of walk now and I miss the happy plans I used to make in my head. When I can make happy plans again, I’ll know I’m healing. Until that time I think I’m still stuck in the past.
Shaun x
Sometimes I would have morbid thoughts and I used to wonder in my head as they got older things that could happen to them. And I would wonder how they would break the news or how I would find out. Especially when I moved away I would replay scenarios in my head and how I would get home to them. I think it was having a contingency plan in place in my head. Never for one minute ever thinking I would put it in place so soon. But you know the one thing I never imagined was that my mum would get cancer and that no one wouldn’t know about it. That never entered my head. But when I got the call from dad 8.30pm on a Monday night to say mum had been taken to hospital. I knew when the phone rang with dads name coming up something had happened.
I feel like my whole world has been ripped apart. I’ve been Mum’s carer for a long time. I’ve lost Mum, my identity and in part of my lifestyle. I’m hiding away at the moment, as I’m not really keen on interacting with people. It’s a beautiful day today, so I should really go for a walk. I just want to sit at a table with my Mum once again. Why didn’t I realize that just eating a meal together was so special?I’ve learnt too late about what really mattered. I still look at Mum’s chair as if I can’t believe my eyes. As if she will suddenly be sitting there. It feels like a nightmare on a beautiful day. I know when my Dad died it took over 18 months for the depression to life, but this time around the grief is some else. Life must go on and somehow we’ve just got to keep going until everything begins to feel happier and more normal. It’s going to take time. At the moment I hardly know what to do with myself. I’m drifting through the day.
I never envisaged the pain of grief. Never knew it would feel like this. Thought oh I would be ok. Mum and dad 70 years old it’s what happens to people it’s life. I was so naive. I knew I would be devasted obviously. But didn’t really know what that sense of loss would be like. I suppose because luckily I had never experienced it before
Everything you have all posted in the last couple of hours is exactly the way I feel. The loss, the grief, the isolating myself away from everyone etc.
I thought i would lighten the mood with a funny (ish) story.
When my dad died i started to worry excessively about my mum dying. To cheer ourselves up, we booked a 5 day trip to New York. This was in 1999 and mum was a heavy snorer. One night, used by now to laying awake listening to mums snoring I was suddenly aware that she wasnt making a sound. I gently called out ‘mum’, then louder ‘mum’, then shouted ‘mum!’ There was no response so by now I was convinced she was dead and I had already worked out how I was going to repatriate her body back home.
I got out of bed and started to make my way slowly over to mums bed. I got closer and closer and made my way down to mums nose and mouth so I could see if she was breathing. I bent down, getting nearer and nearer to mums face, my heart in my mouth, I was literally a hairs breadth away when mum opened her eyes and started screaming!
She said what the hell are you doing? Are you trying to kill me?!
I was laughing for hours.
I worried so much about mum and the worst has happened.
You actually made me smile today! That’s quite an extreme but humorous story. My mum was a loud snorer sometimes too. She would often fall asleep while watching what I thought at the time was something interesting on the TV. Often I would have to shout ‘go to bed!’ as I couldn’t hear the TV through the snoring as she sat in her chair, chin on her chest looking very uncomfortable.
In more recent times I would be known to pop round her house to make sure she was ok when she hadn’t replied to a message I’d sent her ages ago. It was always at the back of my mind that something had happened but of course it was normally because she’d put her phone offline accidentally! Don’t ask me how or why, she never was one for technical matters.
Anyone remember celebrity big brother when they had to check on David Guest yo see if he was breathing. When they thought he had died. When actually they meant David Bowie!!! Lol.
Its good to see that in amongst our severe grief, there is still an ability to look back and laugh. Dont get me wrong, my eyes filled with tears writing it because I’m just not ready to find any amusement in mums absence yet but just felt like lightening the mood.
I’m so fed up with being down, telling my partner I don’t want to laugh or reminding myself that mum has died if I dare raise a smile at anything.
I’m not religious or spiritual and our relationship was built on laughter and silly jokes.
It doesn’t sit right to be so miserable for so long when we were always laughing at each other or other people.
I’m in an ’ oh well its happened’ mood at present.
Dont worry, I’m sure I will be crying before the day is out. X
It’s been a day of on off tears, but I realised something. My love for my mother will grow stronger. I love her totally as it is, but it will increase even more over time. Once again my heart feels like it’s in a vice. I’m going to have to try once again to create a balance between maintaining my health and grieving.
You poor thing. None of our days are good but some are definitely worse than others. Yesterday I couldn’t stop crying. I would have an ok hour followed by several minutes of tears and that carried on through the whole day. Today I had a little cry this morning but I’ve been ok since. Its so exhausting, this constant mix of emotions.
It’s like a rough wave that knocks us off our feet and keeps splashing around us all day. Try and have a nice night, watch a bit of rubbish tv or read a book. I’m finally able to do a bit of reading. It’s taken 20 weeks but I can immerse myself in a chapter. I cant do more than that but it’s a big step forward from staring into space.
Thank you for your kind words. I realise we are all struggling. Tomorrow, I’ve got my partner with me all day. We got to see to some funeral practicalities, but his company should make all the difference. My Mum was half the way through the life of Pi before she passed. She was loving it. I haven’t go the focus to read, but I’ve downloaded the audio of the book so I might give it go.
Have a nice day with your partner tomorrow daffy.
Have you got probate to sort out for your mum? If it’s a simple estate it’s easy to do. The solicitor that stored mums will wanted 1500 pounds plus vat
It took me an hour online to sort it out. There was a 12 week wait for the grant of probate certificate to come through so I could close mums accounts but definitely didnt need a professional to help.
You will never be alone, Morr, whilst you are among these lovely people, we do have at least one thing in common, we have lost someone whom we love beyond measure.
12 weeks ago this evening my dearly loved husband passed away, suddenly. He had been ill all day, the doctor came out to see him at lunch time (UK) and said that she would place him on home observation. As the day progressed, I became more worried about him, at 8.55 pm, I went across the road to ask a medically trained friend/neighbour to come and take a look at him. I heard a loud crash, I was out of our bungalow for approx. 3 minutes, I found him in our bedroom, dead, on the floor. I am still in shock. My dearly loved younger brother and friend died quite suddenly just 4 years ago, 6 months later my dearest friend of nearly 72 years had a major stroke, my husband found her on the floor of her bedroom she passed 4 weeks later. I am very lucky our two children, both in their 50’s have been brilliant in their support, yet both of them live at least 2 hours drive away in opposite directions. I wish you well Morr. Take care, MaryL ps I took Stan’s death certificate to our docto and I asked him to explain it to me, there was a simple explanation, the doctor said that if Stan had been in hospital surrounded by doctors, nothing could have saved him. He had an infection in his heart.