Sudden loss

Hi,
Loss my beloved husband 5dec 2020 suddenly at 50 heart attack.
Was s git healthy man we just moved to our dream home 3yewrs ago had done all the hard work was just in countryside peacefull still near stuff like shops etc.
Then this happens we had n.kids just a dog he was my everything my best friend soulmate we were together all the time did all tgether .

So alone now in a house that was meant to be our dream home together to grow old and enjoy feel so much pain inside wish was me that was gone as how can I go on without my beloved by my side.

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So very sorry for your loss a young healthy 50 year old it’s heartbreaking lost my husband to cancer in March very early days for you and myself you will feel a roller coaster of emotions I wish I could tell you different keep chatting on this site I do please take care of yourself xx

I know the feeling. I am in almost exactly the same position. My beloved husband died at home in mid Sept, he’d walked into hospital in August, was eventually diagnosed with a brain tumour 3 weeks later, discharged in an ambulance to spend his last 12 days at home.
Different I know, but his death was painful and emotionally devastating for us both.
We’d bought our dream home in January, planning to move ASAP, but, of course, COVID destroyed all that.
I’m still in a large barn conversion in East Yorkshire, alone but for 3 dogs. They have been a huge comfort to me.
All I can say is that, during this most difficult time of your life, be very kind to yourself. There is no timescale for grief, no map that tells you what to do and when. Grieving is unique to each one of us. Our pace and what we do at each moment is - or should be - unique to us.
Tears are emotional balm, let them flow as and when they come - a positive aspect of COVID is that we have to wear masks, which soak them up. Dark glasses hide our eyes. Fashionistas wear them all year round, so why don’t we???
When you are so low and life itself seems pure torture, take a deep breath and think, what do I feel like now? It could be a walk in the fresh air, it could be a cup of coffee and, heaven forbid, a fag. Most of us in our 50s and older grew up when most people smoked. It’s certainly not a good habit, but there’s plenty of help around when you need to stop.
My father died when I was a child. At one point my mother told me that pain following the death of a loved one is physical. It certainly is.
I’m sorry, I can’t type any more, I need wrist surgery and am supposed to have stopped using my laptop until I’ve had the op, but I can’t.
With love - the love of a sister in grief - Christie xxx

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Thank u all got replying means alot.

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I’m so very sorry to hear about your husband. I lost mine in early 2019, he also suffered a sudden heart attack while cycling with friends. He was very fit and only in his 60s but he couldn’t be saved. The shock was just awful as it must have been for you.

I think the main comforts for us are that he enjoyed life to the full - he looked so happy in all our photos - he died doing something he loved and hopefully, he wouldn’t have known any pain. He’d also have hated to be incapacitated in any way, which might have been the case had he survived.

Along with the grief, I still feel disbelief sometimes that he’s no longer here. You’ll find ways of coping little by little, look after yourself and talk to friends or family too. I don’t think the sadness of what might have been ever goes away, we just get more used to it but we do have lovely memories which not everyone is lucky enough to have.

@Maxkinahan @JojoGT I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my partner suddenly 3 months ago and it’s been the most devastating event in my life, both mentally and physically…

I wasn’t a very spiritual person before but I’ve learnt to practice meditation. I find it helpful at times to be more aware of the present and surroundings through meditation, it’s also a method to connect with your loved ones who left us physically.

I am going to toast with my partner tonight like every new year eve in the past, as I know he is watching over me.

@Christie I hope you are doing well, wish i could be there to help with your housework so you don’t strain your wrist xxx

Love to you all

Hello @Maxkinahan1 I am sorry that you had this happen to you and your husband. My husband also died from a heart attack that the doctor said started when we were having a healthy long walk the day before. I have no kids (I thought we still might but it wasn’t a priority as we loved to be just together, that was enough) 4 cats who we treated like our precious children though.

We bought our first house 5 years ago after 10 years of saving for a deposit. It was a wreck. Every room mouldy, smashed windows, graffiti, fly-tipped rubbish, kicked in front door. Over the last 5 years we worked hard to make it into a dream-house for us. For the last 2 years we could enjoy it once the worst of it was done but we were always still in the middle of more mini-projects.

We saw other people as an inconvenience really as we had the most fun together, we met my parents every 2 weeks for a walk or trip to the garden centre and met other friends for special occasions but mostly it was just us. Now I am so lonely, even when other people are with me.

It’s 9 weeks since his sudden death for me, it all happened within 10 minutes and I tried the best effort of my entire life to save him but couldn’t. I am so sorry that you need to be here but glad you found us as whilst no one will have the same experience as your own horror story, many of us have elements that match so we can understand somewhat.

Take care and only do what you feel you want to where possible because it is just too much, too horrible… take it as easy as possible on yourself until there are days where you feel like doing more.

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Thank you for your reply and feel for you to as can relate to all you said as was like us as loved been just the 2 of us as got on so well.
Yes it’s healing to hear others going through this as don’t know anyone that has loss a partner do thank you all for replying .

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yes I am aged 40 and don’t know anyone (except my mother) who had their partner die who I can talk to in “real life”. The only place I can get that is here. If you feel like it tell us some more about how you are feeling.

Hi Fleurdelis,
I am 49 and just can’t beleive I loss my soulmate beloved husband 4wks this Saturday.
I felt my heart fall out of me and wanted to die .
As taught what is the point of life without him as was my everything.
Said to God why you leave me to suffer without him and not take me instead.
Feel just going through the day hr by hr see his stuff everywhere and in garden where he use to love like all in your face I feel so angry he died so young .

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yes it’s just not fair is it. All you said i agree with. I wish it was me instead too.

When you are 90 it also feels too soon I’m sure. I really thought we’d have many more years though and I feel cheated and angry too. The house we loved also doesn’t feel like home anymore. Hour by hour is the only way but that is frustrating me too as every day is the same relentless nightmare and I’ve no idea how to change that or if it’s possible. Take care x

Yes it is hard I have came across a website called soaring spirits might help to have a look at it as think we need all the help we can get to carry on.

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I’m so sorry for your loss.
My husband, aged 56, collapsed and died suddenly on December 14th while I was at work. His funeral is next week.
I can only offer my support and care for you. I’m glad I found this forum, as it’s helpful to see the words and thoughts of others in our shoes
I’m running on pure adrenaline at present My thoughts are random. The tears come out of nowhere., as do the panic attacks. No doubt, I will hit the wall soon.
I’ve become weirdly obsessed with when I should return to work, despite multiple reassurances from my employer that I should take all the time I need. I can’t explain it. I suppose it’s easier than focusing on the reality of my situation.
I’m not sure how we navigate our new future. This forum seems to offer a great deal of friendship and support. I’m glad you found it and posted on here. Your post encouraged me to reach out and post my first comment. Xxx

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Welcome RHJ,
I’m so sorry for your loss and it’s only been awhile for you and me.
Yes glad found this site to as helps to see what others say as the pain is unreal.
I’m just taking baby steps each day all I can do .
Look what I can online and will try get help in new year from bereavement groups.may we all find a strength to carry on

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Dear Maxkinahan

I am so sorry for your great loss. I lost my darling husband just a year ago, and my grief is still raw. I had cared for him very 9 years with a rare but debilitating illness. It was heartbreaking and I know for him its an end to the pain and loss of dignity. But he’s left a large empty hole and I miss him so much. Covid has made the isolation worse, my daughters are great but teach and don’t live near. I’ve had good friends, but unless you’ve suffered losing your soul mate , how can they understand.
I also lost my first husband 21 years ago, like you he was only 50, he died unexpectedly and I was in hospital myself at the time. The shock was enormous. So I do understand the devastation of losing your husband with no warning, and also the pain of watching ya darling husband being taken away bit by bit.
I honestly do not know which is worse, in fact I think the grief is the same. It’s a feeling of deep loss for the love , closeness, safety the life we had. Life at the moment is An existence . The only comfort I can offer is the knowledge that it will get better, never leave you , but become more bearable. I thought my life was over too, never thinking I could be with anyone else, untilI met a wonderful man who had also lost his wife , we understood each other’s grief and I had 18 happy married years with him.
Now I’m suffering this pain again. In fact I think, now I’m older, it’s more frightening. Is this my life now? Loneliness, longing for being held and cared for.
Just take a day at a time, know you’ve probably been told that by many people.but it is the only way. There will be light at the end of the tunnel, but there is no time scale for grief, it’s raw, hurts and the future looks bleak.
Hang in there, slowly it will become easier, thinking of you in full understanding. Xxxx Christina

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Thanks Christina,
For your lovly post and sorry for your loss to.
To have go through this pain twice for you doesn’t even bear thinking about.
Hope you have some Good support around you .
I am so glad found people that understand the pain as don’t know anyone I know that has loss their soulmate.
Sending you love and hugs.xx

Thank you Maxkinahan

To have to go through this pain once is unbearable, there are no words to describe facing it a second time. But I do know I was lucky to have married two very special men. Wonderful life with them both, it just makes the loss more painful.
Only those that have been through it can know how deep it hurts.
Thank you for your kind words and I send you love and hugs too. keep going xxxxxChristina

Hello @RHJ I also became obsessed with returning to work (as well as many other things i felt I should be solving or doing). 4 weeks after my husband’s death I returned to work (from home) but it was a big mistake for me.

My husband’s work desk was next to me and I was working when his death started so I don’t know if that triggered something (as well as seeing my emails had loaded to the approx time of his death) but shortly after talking with my manager on the phone I started crying. She had given me much simpler than usual tasks to do but I just couldn’t concentrate so after an hour or two I logged off after arranging a meeting for the next day and talking with one colleague.

the next day I tried to work from my mums house instead, I’d forgotten my power cord (I was normally very organised but am not now) cancelled that meeting and just kind of zoned out. It seems i didn’t explain properly to my manager (I only texted her as crying too much to speak) and then it got me in trouble as according to them I’d just gone AWOL for a week. This damaged my reputation.

Today I started again with working (from home) but didn’t tell them. I’m going to practise and hope I can do it for real by next week but I’m being more cautious this time. I’ve been off for 10 weeks now and I’m so lonely I mainly want to go back for the company but of course also need the money if I am to stay living in my house (I think that aspect of the house being soley down to me now is where the obsession came from with me to start with).

I don’t know how you can know when you are really ready but if there is anyway to “practice” for your job too maybe it’s worth a shot. For me though I think you might be better waiting and taking it easier on yourself after the shock of what you’ve endured but that is only my opinion so you will know better. Good luck whatever approach you take. It’s all so difficult.

I guess the funeral is this week? A big milestone that is also very emotionally draining the days following I found, I hope you get the support you need to give you the strength. Take care.

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Thank you so much for your response. It’s really helpful to hear my feelings and behaviour described so clearly. However, I’m sorry for all you have experienced and that others have not fully understood what you are going through.
I’m starting to realise that I’m still in shock and shouldn’t be making any decisions at all right now. The funeral is on Thursday. I sense dark days coming my way.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I hope things settle for you xx

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Hi
It has helped to realise that I am not the only one going through this madness and desolation called grief.
My partner died unexpectedly and suddenly towards the end of 2020. I too have been worrying about going back to work. I found the funeral so difficult. The copious support messages have now dwindled to a trickle now and again, and life is very hard and lonely. After the funeral I realised I had to have more time off so have delayed return to work. Have to work to afford the bills. I know I have to carry on but it is a struggle. As someone else on this site said “baby steps.” I expect others, like myself, have found that suddenly we are responsible for everything. Thank goodness for Google! It has instruction manuals and instructions on how to do all sorts of things, which I have been so grateful for.

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