Suicidal feelings lonely scared

Hi all,… I’m struggling to find words but I’m feeling very lonely, scared I have no family just my dog… It’s mum’s anniversary next week and I’m dreading it as I’m so alone. No one to share memories with both good and sad… Not having family support I feel so lonely and painful I don’t feel I wanna carry on at times… Don’t wanna be a pity party but thought earlier now mums gone there is no one in this world that loves me. I could go weeks months even and not be found if I dropped dead… It hurts. Just wish had mum hug or hug… I have many worries finical debt, poor mental health PTSd etc… Feel so low and just keep crying. Its hard when no one is your cheerleader. No one at all… Wish it was me taken not mum… Hope don’t sound like I’m going on. Just being honest… Just cry scared

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Hi im so so sorry for your horrendous loss it’s utterly devastating it’s been six months and ten days today since my soulmate of seventeen years passed away in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes there’s alot of amazing people on here who have stopped me from harming myself in the past few days I too feel like you suicidal I have little family and friends are understandably back to there normal livesy future was mapped out dreams and hopes to grow old together everything my life has been blown apart taken away so cruelly and brutally you sound like you had a very strong bond with your lovely mum she wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself and think about your dog theres always someone here to talk I’ve jyst been on the phone to Samaritans it’s free someone to talk too 24/7 and someone always here anxiety is overwhelming the pain is unbearable what I’d do to have my soulmate back in my arms even just for one more kids on the forehead in the chapel of rest anything I’d do take care as much as possible your in my thoughts speak soon message anytime I’ll try and get back Adele x

Make an appointment with your gp too ring in the morning im at mine on Wednesday x

Hi adele thank you so much for your reply and kindness it Means alot… I understand your pain and so sorry for the loss of your soul mate… I’ve not read any of your posts I’m not sure how? Would you like to share anymore about your soul mate I’d love to hear about such a special person! But no pressure!.. I know what you mean just one more kiss, hug saying I love you is just so painful that we can’t… It newer days for you lost mum 3years ago may 16th 2016 but it feels like last week. We where peas in a pod, had such close bond lived together I nursed her 24/7 and lived with her side by side in the hospice I gave her meds, washed and did everything to try to make her feel even 1% better but it was hell she went through hell!!! Sickness pain beyond words! Diagonoised Feb 2016 passed may 16th 2016 so very quick. I wished it was me so mum didn’t have to suffer. I have PTSd before mum ill now have it twice over. I’ve lost mum, Sister, dad, friend who like dad to me and closest friend last year… I only really have medical support… I see nurse cpn who home vist Thursday… Will ring gp but when so low anxious it’s hard to just do the most simple things like brushing teeth… The mornings first thing I dread those precious yet hell few seconds when reality hits! Fell so ill then but feel so ill now… I don’t regonise this life world, I don’t like it. Its scary very lonely, constant suicidal thoughts… And a person in a professional capacity support group person said (outside the group!) that she confesses she thinks I don’t want to get well and I’m doing nothing… I was so shocked hurt by these words as every day every min in my head is hell constant battle to try get through trying to get better it really hurt! Especially as knows what been going through I did mention it to gp nurse and they also shocked and felt it was very insensitive, hurtful and disappointing because of the role she is in. It gutted me when already so low… I don’t even know if I’m making sense!!!.. These painful distressing flashbacks are literally killing me… It sounds we have both been through hell… You are in my thoughts and here for you also… I really felt the love between you and your soul mate in your post… Pain is the price we pay for love, we must of been billionaires when our special loves where with us!.. Now our pockets feel completely empty and a heart mind full of painful distress. No words do the pain justice! Or the crippling lonilness… My heart goes out to you. Big hug sent xx

Hi there thankyou very much for your kind words means alot I really appreciate it thankyou that’d so lovely that you cared for your beautiful mum so much all around the clock of course your going to feel lost sad and in despair especially with all of your other losses too it’s sounds like you have been through a very difficult time I’m sure you lovely mam appreciated all you did for her and I’m sure you would do anything to do them all over again until the end that’s great you see a cpn and that was a very very insensitive comment im shocked at the lack of empathy but to be honest the world we live in now nothing suprises me im sorry you suffer Ptsd me too through childhood things but im not here for that thankyou fir asking about my soulmate of seventeen years who fell asleep in my arms six months and ten days ago today so I am utterly devastated im heartbreakon we met when I was 21 he was 22 nearly 23 we moved in after three months together until we had enough to buy our own house had seventeen years together dreams of growing old together everything my life has been stolen im empty and lost thinking about it and all we had planned we did everything together from shopping and gardening to walks holidays it’s all gone im completely hearbroken never felt a pain like it mentally and physically destroyed I keep telling myself he’s at the shops or in hospital and I’ll look out of the window thinking he will walk up the street but I know inside like you say waking up with dread I was so scared to.open my eyes yesterday morning thinking I may see his head on the pillow then I pushed my hand over I realised it’s worse than a nightmare so I’ve been very suicidal too I’m at the doctors Wednesday on a waiting list for cruse bereavement but frankly I don’t see anything someone could say or do to bring my one true love back in my arms he fell asleep in my arms three months before his 40th birthday which would have been January im 39 next week too he’d be teasing me now it’s heartbreaking I’d do anything even one last kiss on the forehead in the chapel of rest anything I’d do feel so desperate and alone we were a self sufficient couple did everything together not many friends were happy in eachothers company so I’m lost completely I haven’t been able to even turn the television on since October it’s awful I wouldn’t wish this up on my worst enemy I hope your appointment goes okay on Thursday I know it’s hard im in the sane place but please try not to harm yourself think of your mam how much it would hurt her and your dog I cant say things will get better I cant see my situation ever getting better my life has been blown apart taken away so cruelly and tragically but your in my thoughts take care speak soon keep in touch Adele x

Hi Adele, the morning dread came and is still here… It’s so hard to put the pain into words isn’t it?! Hell isnt strong enough a word. Heartbreaking isn’t strong enough but that’s what we feel to the core it’s like the pain is all over my body. I suffer with bad anxiety too… You say you have PTSd also so you know how hard it is to live with!.. Life is so very unfair and cruel. Very cruel… To have your soul mate taken so young it makes so angry. I can really feel your love for each other in your posts and I’m so sad for you because I know the pain of losing our person who made everything seem OK even on bad day… Feeling suicidal when it peaks is again a feeling so raw and grief mKes you so tired!.. We are around same age I’m 41 and although different releashionship I too was planning spending 40th with mum… But that dream was taken from me… I have try take it hour by hour but when pain so high its unbearable and just wanna be with mum… Do you have any family friend support?.. I’m finding writing this post really difficult to find the words but wanted to reply to you to show I care about you and thinking about you. I find Tv big distraction have to have noise in background. Is there anything you get any comfort from? Sending my love thoughts to you… Sorry can’t find words at moment… I like you think mum’s on holiday, gone shops, in hospital so I relate to what you say… Keep just crying. Its hell isn’t it… Big hug sent… Here for you xxx

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Ho there thanks for the message and kind words means alot yes really struggling at the moment I was at the hospital now before we got rushed into critical care in the early hours of tonight six months and two weeks tomorrow afternoon since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms its utterly devastating I still can’t take it all in like you say I’m the same tell myself he’s at the shops or in hospital but really my head and heart knows what has occurred the anxiety is overwhelming I have little family and friends are understandably back at work and back to there normal lives im sorry to hear about your mum your did alot for her you should be proud im sure she is of you that’s very kind devoting your time to caring for your mum I did the same with Edward I was at the hospital from before midday to help him eat right up until night time I’d do it all again in a heart beat to be honest he took my heart with him im destroyed mentally and physically just existing second by second I hope today is kinder to you take care speak soon Adele x

Oh Tray!! My goodness, I do feel for you and send my love and compassion. It’s all I can do at the moment. It’s all any of us can do. But read as many posts as you can and realise you are far from alone. So many travel this lonely road. ‘You don’t want to get well, and are doing nothing’!!! My God!!! These so called professionals! But one thing is certain, she has never suffered a bereavement or had anxiety or she would never ever talk like that. Try not to be shocked. They can’t help it and may have problems of their own. It’s not true and we know it. Of course you are making sense, very much so. Please talk to your GP. They are there to help and have seen so many bereaved people before. Never feel ashamed about going. You need help and you are not letting yourself down. Mornings are bad times. We are naturally low then and even non suffering people get like it, but it doesn’t go on with them unlike us, at the moment. I say ‘at the moment’. Try, just try and accept how you feel as being a natural response to such an unbearable loss. No matter how long ago it was it’s still painful. PTSD often occurs because breavement is a major trauma in your life. You admit to it so can do something about it. When you talk to your doctor give them the full picture. They can only make a full diagnosis after full disclosure. So many people hold back for fear of embarrassment or shame. Even guilt can cause problems. Now take care, and come back and talk to us again.

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Hi Tray,

I remember your posts from when you lost your mum. I’m sorry to hear how low you are feeling lately, and that you’ve been having suicidal thoughts. I’m glad to hear that you have the support of a CPN nurse and I hope that you are able to reach out to her/him for support with these thoughts.

As ever, if you can’t speak to the nurse immediately, or need to talk to someone for any reason, remember that The Samaritans are there 24/7 (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

Please do keep posting as well if you find that it helps.

Take care,
Priscilla

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Please do keep posting it’s because of Priscilla and lots of other kind people I rang Samaratins and stopped myself from doing something silly the last couple of days in my thoughts take as much care as possible please Adele x

Dear Tray, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom in 2012 and then my beloved little sister a year ago this month. There is only one other sibling, but she has been cruel and rejecting to our family all of my life, so in essence I am alone. I understand how these anniversaries can trigger so much of the initial heartbreak. My little sister’s first year anniversary (May 3) was followed two days later by her birthday, and I did not think I would get survive it. I turned to the lovely people on this site, and I received warm and caring responses that helped me through that horrendous weekend. I am glad you are posting. I know you feel unloved and alone (been there) and it is so isolative and lonely beyond words. But as long as you come here, you will never be alone. This is a caring, supportive community, and we lift each other. Look at your dog, there you will find someone who needs you, and will always love you unconditionally. Here for you. Sister2

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Jonathan is right when he refers to “so called professionals.” I work in the Mental Health sector. In my work I often find “professionals” that have no business being in a field that deals with sensitive, fragile feelings. I have heard similar, and worse comments like what poor Tray was told. My older, “mature” boss (35 years in the profession) made some of the most tactless, hurtful comments to me after both my losses (Mom in 2012, and little sister in 2018). Her words cut me to the core.
One cannot “book learn” compassion. Words can harm or heal, and one would hope those in the helping field would know the difference.

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Hi I’m not sure if this replying to all or just Adele??!.. I’m soooo tired my sleep very poor but I just wanted say thank you for Al l posts from all and will write more when can just soo tired to see screen and to Adele I been thinking about you today as you said at Dr’s today and I hope it went well for you!.. Love to all… From a very tired and very low me xx

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Thankyou Tray I appreciate it I hope you get some rest take care speak soon Adele x

Hi. Sister. Oh gosh, you are so right. I was counselling for many years and some of my colleagues left a lot to be desired in regard to understanding and compassion. The old ‘fifty minute session’ was strictly adhered to even if the patient was in the midst of a catharsis. Yes, honest, it’s true. Some have it others don’t, and it’s sad business when you hear of someone getting advice which can only be harmful. There are still some among working professionals in counselling who belong to the ‘snap out of it’ and the 'pull yourself together brigade. That’s just what most want to do and have come for help doing it. It’s so easy, especially in bereavement, to look objectively from outside and be factual, but we are dealing with the deepest emotions here and that must be understood. Thanks so much.

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Hi to all that have replied to this thread… I’m feeling incredibly low, scared anxious and struggling to write things down… But thank you for your kind words and support. It means alot… I’m really missing mum feeling very lonely with lots distressing flashbacks of mum being so ill and I see her so thin and ill and sadness in her eyes staring at me… Gutting… Be so easy not to be here. Its hell without her. Xxx

Hi Tray

Just wanted to send you some love from a stranger. Xxx

You are doing the right thing reaching out and I know you will get the help you need soon. Grief is an awful thing but it shows how much you loved your mum.

When I am feeling really low I ask myself what my mum and dad who I lost a year apart would want me to do. I don’t know if it will help but it is worth a try. I am sure your mum would want you to take good care of yourself. Just take one hour or one day at a time.

Love Ann
Xxx

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Hi Tray. And more love from another stranger. Bless you and a hug. I know all about distressing flashbacks. The same thing happened to me. But are we strangers? We are united in grief and feelings and emotions that are beyond description. Words are totally inadequate to describe how we feel. But everyone here is rowing the same boat through the waters of grief. It’s rowing against the current at the moment, but it will get easier as we come into calmer waters. We will you know, in spite of how we feel now. I don’t believe in bravado and putting on a brave face when we grieve. Be sad. Be upset and face the emotions, but try not to get bogged down in the morass of negativity. It can become a habit to grieve. Sadness is bound to happen so let it. Distraction is all very well, but we come back to when we sit alone and think then the pain begins all over again. It’s an old cliché I know, but it is all about allowing time to pass with as much acceptance as we can muster. Take it easy everyone. I noticed this morning that that tiny light at the end of the tunnel was just a little bit bigger. Only a tiny bit but it’s a beginning. Blessings.

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Hi all… Thank you so much for replying and your love hugs and support… I used shout last night the new text msg crisis idea that was supported by Prince William that’s how found out about it on the news… I was so low thought would try out as it says get fast one to one response which I did but nobody seems to really believe I have no family support at all… I don’t. Just me and my dog. Who I love so much. But she has hip problems and needs ideal two new hips which is ten grand!!! She is insured but used up amount on mri scans etc etc… She’s only 3 and Its upsetting to see her in discomfort pain (she isn’t in constant pain and her welfare comes first she has quality of life but not like a normal dog… Hate word normal but it’s OK in this context… I struggle to express my self properly I’m badly dyslexic and I’m so exhausted!!! I’ve got debt worries, health worries, my dog worries if wasn’t for my dog Susie-Hope (named after mum Susan!) mum loved dogs!.. My dog Susie-Hope only reason I’m still here but struggling!!! Mums anniversary Thursday 16th May don’t know what do?? Always release written balloon who I release up to mum Susie-Hope always by my side…cant afford a gravestone and thinking of those like stones can get with mum on there not really expensive but don’t know where get them from I have little money!! My dog eats has her meds I go without so my dog has the best to help her with her meds supplements etc… I feel I’m rambling… I’m scared… I’m conscious of my wording since a so called professional said I don’t want to get well, I’m a let down and worse… I try so hard to get well every hour everyday all with no support so it Really hurt me!! Was shocked by her words!.. Thank you to all who have responded to me I read them all and re read. I appreciate it so much… The small things in life mean the most. Money can’t hug you!! Xxx

In so so sorry for your loss and reading your pain tray in my thoughts sending you a hug Adele x