Hi ade, how are you doing? Stupid question I know!!!.. I’m not great. Those days nights where you painfully miss them and then the pain is so strong you feel like it could kill you… I just feel I exist and that’s only because of my super special dog… But the pain and loneliness is horrible feels cruel… Very lonely in pain… Then I think oh god I’ve gotta do it all again tommorow and the next… Reality really hits and I hate it so much!!!.. I feel the pain so much today like your body aches just to hug them… So angry by it too… It’s not fair ade what’s happened to us and all on site… Hugs love sent xxxx
Hi to all who have responded to me on this site, I read all the messages with great thanks and appreciation!.. I was going to a bereavement support group but haven’t been for the last 4 meet ups although since I started going I’ve been to twelve every single one! But a comment, confession from one of the volunteers left me feeling awful and too uncomfortable to go back… The comment confession was made outside the group but still said!.. Said they think I don’t want to get better, I want to be ill and as I am and other things very harsh and wrong judgemental… So now how can igo to group where know one of volunteers thinks that of me! It’s supposed to be a place of where you just be and are told you won’t be judged! But I obviously have!. And it hurts because I try so hard to just stay alive every single day every sec of the day and its so hard!!! So I am so hurt by her comments which I don’t think where right or even necessary to say!.. I’ve been very raw honest I n the group suffer PTSd twice over, clinical depression complex anxiety grief, suicidal thoughts the list goes on and how much distress I get am in from losing my mum my world I don’t have any family. The group n volenters know this… It was once said that if any of us never went to a group session that others in group would be on phone to check up on them… Nobody I n group has me so I’m worried the volunteer has said something?!.. The last they heard from me was I was very mentally unwell distress after a first trauma apt… If other way round I would of rang them to see how they are know being thought of especially if knew had no family etc… I don’t want a pity party but I don’t know can’t find words?! I miss the group but I can’t go knowing that I’m already pre judged because of what was said… I could easily lye dead for month and no one would know… MYbe I’m going on. I’m just very low, painfully missing mum and scared wish I had family or friend support. I’m so exhausted!!! And just keep crying. Sorry if I go on xx
Dear Tray, my heart goes out to you.
Don’t let one comment stop you from going to this group that you enjoyed going to. I would go back and bring up the subject yourself, let the group discuss how they see you coping. I am sure this comment wasn’t made with unkindness involved. Put yourself in the hands of the group and let them help you. You are suffering and a mole hill can become a mountain in our muddled brains. So please give it another go, face your fears head on, I am sure you will find help and kindness. Even tell this person who made the comment how much it upset you. Give her a chance to explain herself, it was probably an innocent remark. Dig deep for strength Tray, god bless Pat xxx
Hi Tray-So sorry for what you are going through. I find in our vulnerable state, it is often the one negative comment that will override the positive, and add salt to our wounds. We look to a support group as a “safe space,” and it is so disappointing when we find it is not.
I also attend a support group, and not all of the sessions are helpful. I had someone tell me I “should get on medication” when I shared I had a setback after the first anniversary and birthday of my Sister’s death. I know from being in the Mental Health field that “setbacks” are perfectly normal, especially after a milestone that triggers so many emotions… However that person had no right to say what he did. When I shared that it was so traumatic watching my little sister die in front of me, another member said “Just be glad you were there, think what I am going through having not been there.” This was “comparing” and minimizing my experience, and was very hurtful to me. Plus the group guidelines caution against doing this. Since she came to the group she was expressing guilt that she was not with her loved one when he died, thus she was not hearing that I was grateful to have been there, but still the images of that last night were impacting my grief. There were many other insensitive comments, but I will stop here. My point being I will not allow these tactless people to distract from the benefits I get from the group. They are in their own pain and I forgive them for what comes out of their mouths. I would hope you return and focus on the caring people there, and try to take whatever good you can from the group. Let them know you would appreciate a check in between groups. Like me, just try to ignore the judgemental, “opinions” of the few. I know it is hard, I too walked away from some of the sessions feeling worse because of one nasty comment, but I keep going back because there is more help than hurt. I am sorry if I rambled but I thought my experience might be of help to you. Hopefully that person did not say anything to the group, because that would be a violation of the group protocol. Let us know if you decide to go back, You deserve to access any services that will help you through this. Try to reconsider and not give that person any more power. Do not allow anyone to silence your grief (I am finally learning this myself). Take care and post again, you are not alone. Xxxx Sister2
Seems Pat and I are on the same page in our responses Tray. I agree with Pat, that if you feel strong enough, perhaps you might talk to the person who made the remark. I often wish I did to those who offended me in the group. You may find they meant it differently than what you thought, or how it came across. We are in your corner—Xxxx
Hi to sister 2 and pat… And all who have posted… Just wanted to say thank you I have read them with great thought and appreciation… Also ade are you OK?! Not heard from you in long time. Worried bout you I know silly asking if you OK I know you are in deep pain distress. But all in my thoughts… I wanted reply properly to all but I’m feeling so desperately low and mental pain distress I just keep thinking what’s the point of carrying on I’m so exhausted, so physically mentally emotionally exhausted I’ve feel can’t take much more… Keep hearing about neighbours in row etc who have lost someone or had some difficulties and they all talk to me about how much family support they have, help with bills, getting a car, support of being picked up and going someone together, hugs kisses shared, breaks away, holidays, night away or just basic stuff like help with washing up, tidy up lawn mown, etc etc and the difference I see it makes n in there faces is amazing. They say why don’t you go away, or say how much family support means and makes difference if them crumbling or being able get through day and feel happy… I don’t have any help at all I’m so tired. I’d love a break with Susie-Hope change of scenery away from bungalow if pain. Or help getting it tidy irganazed everything so stressful hard work… Others talk of looking forward to this that… I’m so exhausted being so honest just so exhausted and don’t see a way out or forward I’m too old to go uni get career, build future get house get out of finical debt. No help but professional but apts are few and far between and or long long waiting lists… Just feel don’t wanna carry on. I’m next to useless I struggle so much with anxiety clinical depression PTSd losing my works mum. Mum was only person I had we had each other trust… I worry since ladies comments that I go on too much and repeat myself I’m just stuck in this hell mess. Sorry if go on. Worry don’t express properly would hate offend anyone. I’m so tired. Just had enough… It’s just pain. I’m so so sad. Can’t stop crying and shake
Hi Tray,
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as though things are very tough
and you are feeling really overwhelmed.
I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been
able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out
there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone
about how you are feeling.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s
bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to
counselling or other support services in your area.
We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community. This
is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from
home. There’s more information about this service here:
https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling
You deserve care and support so please, Tray, get in touch with one of
these services.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact
your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Take care,
Susannah
Online Community team
Hello Tray. I’m worried about you just as others on this forum are. You need help immediately and would suggest the same as Jonathan and see your GP, nurse, or anyone that will get you the support you desperately need. Not sure about your age but Age UK help, I believe the 50 and over. A helping hand with your finances might be a start. Can social Services or Council help you out with getting your home tidy again, this might make you feel better also. You need support so do try and find someone that will help you to make a start to get your life in order. Please be strong and keep in touch. Your not offending anyone so don’t worry about that we can see that your tired and in pain. Make that appointment at Doctors and make sure they understand how much of a struggle it is for you. Take care Pat xxx
Hi pat, thank you for your reply as always means alot!.. I’m feeling quite weird, low, lonely… I forced myself to go to a dog show event that’s for charity ‘kevincares’ and Harvey’s army both are dog charities and I wanted support the charities and my dog Susie-Hope goes dog school and one of dog coaches had put it together so wanted show support to good causes and one that might help in future with Susie-Hopes poorly hips… Susie-Hope came 1st in awsome eyes and 2nd best trick!.. Again I on own again and when we placed just congratulated by judge put with other people when there dog placed or won like Susie-Hope did there was lots of clapping and shouting praise from there family and friends which I think is lovely for them don’t get me wrong but just highlights to me I’m on my own no support… And in between shows I’m stood alone with Susie-Hope my dog looking out to other families, friends… I was yet again the only one there alone… It hurts and just think of mum… I also feel so incredibly anxious, arkward, highly uncomfortable and don’t know how interact with people. I’ve never been taught how, from a young child I wasn’t shown how my mum suffered anxiety depression. I don’t blame her in any way!!! I just feel sad and sorry for her that she hadn’t been shown that… I don’t feel I’m made for this world, people don’t seem wanna talk me long or bothered about me maybe cause I’m so quiet anxious I’m not good to be around. I try my best but just don’t think this world is for me… I’m 41…ive told my cpn and asked for help but just put on waiting lists or told do more mindfulness which I get but I need more than that. My distress and overwhelmed by everything. I’ve tried get social support again long waiting lists… I know in my heart I care, I care alot, I’m very sensitive… I just thought driving back I love Susie-Hope so much. I really do she only reason Ive made it this far… But I just thought how numb quiet and normal it would be for me to end it… World is a social place and I think I make people uncomfy and I just don’t belong here. No one in crowd charing or clapping for Susie-Hope and me… I felt the silence of Susie-Hope and me having no one cheer etc was so loud and noticeable… I just don’t belong NG or fit with this world. No one loves me no one would miss me. No next of kin… Don’t feel right… Love to all going through pain xx
Hi Tray, So pleased you made the effort and took Susie-Hope to the dog show. It’s a start to get to know people. Don’t take any notice of the cheering and clapping of other people. Please Tray try and find some sort of place to meet people. Have you a local church, they have meetings and coffee mornings. See if the local Council can give you any clubs locally. Try the library they have things on that might interest you. Is there any health walks nearby. You could take Susie-Hope with you. Even if you don’t feel like it, give a big smile and usually someone will start a conversation. Please don’t think your not loved, you have the right to be loved as much as anyone else. Thinking of you Tray. Pat
Hi Tray,
I’m so sorry to hear you sounding so sad and lonely. Pattidot is right - you do deserve love and care, and I’m so sorry you are having to get by without family or friends.
It is hard to make connections with people when you are struggling with anxiety and depression, but the right support can make a big difference. It must be very hard to be put on waiting lists for support services, but I really hope that they will be helpful when you do get access to them.
In the meantime, it’s important to make sure that you keep yourself safe. Have you told your CPN that you have had these thoughts of ending it? If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Tray, I am wondering how you are as there has been nothing from you for a few days.
Pat xxxx
Hi pat, thank you so much for thinking of me… Really kind… I’m feeling extremely low, crying as type this feeling incredibly lonely. Missing mum. It feels so real and raw for some reason… This is random but a curtain pole that mum brought and never got to use - mum was desperately trying to make the bungalow a home and cosy. It fell over it front if me and it brought such raw sadness and loss to me… A curtain pole!.. My dog is struggling with her hips bless her was very sore and cried when got up last night to come to bed with me. (my beautiful special dog is not in a state of suffering where cruel or anything like that so please nobody think that!) it’s just she needs new hips and has worse days but she isn’t suffering where cruel or anything like that! I’d never have that or be selfish for my reasons Susie-Hope always comes first her meds, food welfare come first!.. But I want to get her pain free which means two new hips ten grand plus!. She insured but reached maximum I’ve even wrote supervet but came back sadly as no charitable help… I’m so low. If Susie-Hope wasn’t at my side now I’d end it. I’m so exhausted. Wish Susie-Hope could go away respite break. Not been away or help in ten years and nursing mum on own 24-7 was exhausting but I’d do it all again. My mum my world. It should of been me that was taken. Not mum. Love to you pat hope days are being kinder to you? You so caring. Anyone heard from ade? Know like me she in lot distress and worried bout her… Hug sent to you pat xx thank you for caring xx
I meant respite for Susie-Hope and me! Together! Not respite from Susie-Hope! She my everything I meant a respite break for both of us. But I don’t have any money so can’t afford even a short break but idea of Susie-Hope seeing sea she’s never seen the sea! I’ve not had break in over ten years so thought of change of scenery sounds quite break maybe would help a exhausted distressed low mind. I’m exhausted. Grief is exhausting trauma is exhausting… Hope I don’t sound selfish I’d hate that! X
Hi Tray,
You must be exhausted. Caring for somebody is exhausting and grief is exhausting so you have a double whammy to deal with.
Can you take a mini mini break with Susie Hope? A trip to a local park for example with a little picnic for you both? Sounds silly but for me in my own grief journey, it has been the really small things that have helped the most.
Do you like reading? I find an hour reading a book in the bath is my escapism and does not need to cost anything.
Are you planning to put the curtain pole up? I have decided to do the little things my mum and dad can no longer do for them. Look after the plants they liked…eat the biscuits they liked…again, just little things that help me keep the connection with them.
I am sure your mum would be so proud of you caring for Susie Hope so well and still being her caring and sensitive daughter. Even in your grief you are looking out for other people on here, just as other people are looking out for you.
Sending love
Ann xx
Hello Tray I am so pleased you got in touch, I was so worried about you and Susie-Hope. I am not sure what can be done for Susie-Hope but there must be something in this animal orientated country, I can’t believe it’s become a case of money. Have you a PDSA office near you, they might be able to help. I know they did years ago…
You have had to cope with so much, you have been very brave and you are obviously very tired with the trauma of losing your Mum. I understand how you feel about Susie-Hope, if I lost my dogs it would push me over the edge at a time of grief. They are such a comfort, they offer such unconditional love, there can be no love greater than a dogs.
Try to get out as suggested. Good idea to go to a park for a picnic or into the countryside if that is possible. Look for a walking group near you. The NHS have these in area’s.
Please take care of yourself
Pat xxx.
Hi Ann. Thank you so much for your reply… I don’t know much about your loss as I’ve not seen any of your posts but my love goes out to you and thoughts and comfort… Yes dogs give the most Incredible love and support it’s a beautiful thing!.. I do love books but struggle with concentration and get agaitated anxious quick but any recommendations? It would be library though as have no money… I’m lucky I live in countryside which I’m extremely grateful for! As the views quiet and fields near are good for a pained and distressed loud mind of pain and trauma… Picnic with Susie-Hope my dog sounds nice Susie-Hope never had a picnic be a first! And I use food bank… I struggle with feeling quilty that mums not here to do these things she would love to do… I get stuck in so many ways and I just feel so poorly and exhausted if wasn’t for Susie-Hope I’d go into hospital like has been said I need but Susie-Hope only has me and I don’t wanna be apart she’s like emotional support dog and have to be understanding of her medical issues… Dr’s have said a break away from here would be ideal to get completely away from here I’d love it but can’t afford it that’s why didn’t know if any respite breaks that accept dogs… Curtain pole it randomly now lives propped up in garden boxed up again can’t afford to do these things I’d love help with tidying etc but again long waiting lists!.. To both you and pat and if anyone else able to read these posts I want to say I hope I don’t seem selfish insensitive as I talk about ending my life suicidal feelings etc when I know so many on here have lost loved ones who would give anything to be here! I have seen with my own eyes people in hospice and those I’ve lost who would maybe wanna shout at me for having the luxery to still be here so I would hate to be seen as insensitive to this and do think that and feel horrible about it but at same time it’s being honest to how low and how much distress trauma I feel that it unbeatable to carry on. I’d hate to offend anyone and felt it important to say that… For I know life is very precious and fragile!.. Pat thank you for saying I’ve been in your thoughts. Regards to Susie-Hope pdsa only go as far as pain control they can’t afford such expensive operations as total hip replacements… She has a fundraising page and have been in local press and even won a competition in a big dogs magazine. It was a article about losing mum and my battle with this PTSd depression nightmares etc and reason Susie-Hope came into my life and how much she means to me and why we are best friends… It was out if 12 and down to public vote and we won mum would if been so proud! Mum also loved dogs. You can look at these articles online but unsure if I’m allowed to say anymore n don’t want do wrong thing… Thank you both for being so kind… Anyone know how ade is I posted her but not heard anything I’m worried she not posted for a good while xxx
You selfish?? Oh no, never think that. We are all are turned in on ourselves, and it’s only natural to think about ourselves and how we feel. It’s painful and it hurts. It sure is exhausting. I had six months of my wife in illness before she passed, and although I was relieved she no longer suffered, the subsequent pain didn’t diminish. Only now am I beginning to come to terms with it. I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. My wife and I bred Boxer dogs so I know how attached one can become.
If you can get a break then it may help. Sometimes going somewhere where you have not been before is a change from your immediate surroundings which remind you of so much. Take care. May I offer a hug?
Thank you for your reply. And yes a hug is very much appreciated!.. I miss that so much… Hugs… Apart from hugging Susie-Hope I don’t have any physical contact in hugs or hand hold or just reasurring touch… Simple and free things to do but mean so much… Not had hug can’t even remember that long… I’m sorry for the loss of your wife you can feel the love and bond you had in your posts. May I offer you a hug back?.. Yes I’m incredibly attracted to Susie-Hope she is all I have in the whole world… I do drive Susie-Hope to different near locations as have old car and cost for petrol is issue but like to give her variety… But I’d love to go away and wake up somewhere else with Susie-Hope completely away from here. Away from home completely. I feel my body mind needs that disconnection… I know I’m a adult but feel like a scared vulnerable kid. It may sound pathetic but I’d love someone just to look after me for a while. I nursed mum throughout on own and would never change that! And before mum ill alot of loss and sadness and ill health I’m struggling with some physical ill health and pain now aswel as emotional pain… I see neighbours who have lost someone or had bit off ill health or something and they have having so much help from family and friends and the difference I see it makes is so noticeable. They are getting cared and looked after and I’m talking in some cases of just being a position of a bit tired which is alot different to exhausted etc and now there house is tidy, things hung up, homely not stressful or food made for them, help with garden. I’ve not eaten a meal in over 3years… Earlier am I really struggled with both physical and mental pain and felt detached from the real world its a horrible weired feeling. And so many distressing flashbacks I’m finding it’s all getting too much and a hour seems like a day and a day like two weeks… I don’t know how much more can do this!.. I’m screaming in pain inside… Again hope don’t sound like I want a pity party I don’t… I’m just not feeling well at all I guess… Thank you for the hug and kind words and time in writing a post to me… Hope you finding some comfort today…
Attached to Susie-Hope! Not attracted! That sounds bit odd I meant attached!