I’m alone at home again, why did she have to leave us, I’m feeling so low.
I just want my princess back.
Had a strange day, got through the day, without much emotion, feels really strange.
it’s almost like my mind is empty.
I know the feeling of emotionless-they’re what I call ‘void days’ like nothingness, then the impact of loss returns and it hits hard !
I felt I was slipping into a depression, which was made worse by the crappy weather, which meant I didn’t want to go out, so I was glad to have company over the weekend, it took the edge off of things, I even managed to laugh a couple of times, then I felt guilty.
I was up at 5 this morning, just couldn’t sleep, so here I am sitting on the sofa, wondering what I’m going to do today, the knot in my tummy has returned and I can feel the panic setting in, it’s not like I can even go out as the rain here is relentless tomorrow is May, and I’ve got the heating on full, the weather just adds to the depression
I hope your day was bearable, I’m still feeling like I’m on autopilot, I went into work for the morning and a student had a full on conversation with me and I didn’t take one word in, I’m there physically but not mentally
That sounds about right, hear everything but listen to nothing, as for me I ended up at my GPs, emergency appointment, because of the panic attacks, which turned out to be my blood pressure sky high, i wasn’t surprised though, what I thought was panicking was actually having a physical affect on me, I felt awful, so the BP meds have been increased, and I got to have a blood test this morning , which means fasting and only able to drink water,mI could kill for a cuppa !.. Lifestyle changes ahead for me it seems, and they won’t prescribe any more Valium.
I think now it’s time for me to get on the with things and try and not try and stop grieving , but not let it dominate my life… It’s very hard x
Hi Alana, how are you feeling today, I also seem to be in a constant state of panic, and I know it’s only been 7 weeks but feels like last week to me.
I had a really bad night last night, I was absolutely exhausted and I dreamt of Sharon for the first time and it felt so real and I’m writing this now through tears.
I dreamt that we were on holiday and having a great time, its just so unfair.
I’m feeling calmer thanks Richard, I think all the emotions we are going through can impact physically on us, maybe give a thought to getting your blood pressure checked out ?
As for dreams, I’ve never dreamt of him don’t think I’ve dreamt of anything for the past 14 weeks, which have gone by so quickly.
I was awake at 5.30 this morning, I’ve done all the housework, and just sitting here wondering what to do for the rest of the day. If I go out I always end up at the shops and buy unnecessary stuff. I’ve bought a lifetimes worth of scented candles !
I might try and sort through his stuff and take to the charity shop, it’ll be hard, but I know he would want me to clear stuff, unlike me , he was never a hoarder, and to be honest I don’t need to keep his clothes as a remo
I can’t believe how in line with each other our feelings are, except that Sharon was the hoarder and I’m not.
I have been through our kitchen cupboards and found 15 sports water bottles and 5 tea pots and we never even used one.
luckily next door is empty so there weelly bin was filled to the brim this week.
Last night was the first time I’ve dreamt since it happened, I think is was because I was exhausted I’m hoping not to dream again for a while.
I found yesterday that the clothes I hid of Sharon’s have gone all musty, so like you they are not a reminder of who she is.
The only problem as you know is that this might sound positive but within an hour it all changes again.
Yes I understand about the constant changes, that’s why I’m definitely clearing the clothes today, I’ll either feel indifferent or emotional about it, but they’re definitely going, I’m trying hard not to be ruled by the conflicting thoughts and feelings. I have to get a grip on things, which doesn’t mean I’m not grieving, but holding onto stuff that’s now a redundant reminder isn’t going to change anything.
And like I said, by doing this I know it’s a positive step forward, which I think will help me accept my situation x
For some strange reason , I’ve just thought about getting rid of his clothes and I feel I don’t need to keep any as reminder or keepsake, such as a favourite shirt.
The memories I have are enough, and to be honest, I don’t want to hoard the stuff away only to have to sort it out , say in a years time and become emotional about it, what’s the point ? We don’t need clothes as reminders xx
Best of luck, I hope to be able to do these things soon, as you say it does not change your feelings or memories.
I’ve done it…no strong feelings either way, if anything I feel a bit ‘lighter’ …?
I’m pleased, all these small steps eventually add up.
I’ve just had an exciting trip to our local tip with the contents of Sharon’s mums shed, it seemed like a good idea at the time, at least it was a distraction
I’ve got a lot done today,besides the charity shop I’ve done necessary paperwork, paid long overdue bills, like I’m getting on top of things, but now that’s all completed, I’m just settling down to another ‘void’ evening, channel hopping, im resigned to these voids now.
Been signed off for at least 2 weeks from work, Doctor said I was trying to do too much, work have agreed that sounds a good idea.
I’ve had one of your void days again today and feel like I’m on autopilot
I thought you were doing to much going back to work so quickly, but we can’t help being confused about what we should/shouldn’t , can/can’t do.
This morning about 9 , I sorted out a cupboard, which housed all the antiques I’ve collected, 5 crates worth I emptied all over the living room floor with intention of selling them online, then I needed to log into my account, I’d forgot that I used his name and password, so that put me on a downer, so I abandoned my plan. Its now 7.45pm and they’re still all over the floor. I’m starving hungry, I’ve got a splitting headache, and depressed as it’s exactly 14 weeks today since I lost him… I’d love a couple of Valium right now, but I guess I’ll have to make do with a cheese sandwich x
And it’s the 3rd of May, I’ve got the heating on full, I’m so pissed off… I feel like screaming out all the worst swear words ever and I kicked over and broke a jug worth £60 as I bought the cheese sandwich into the living room ! … Don’t know what’s worse, feeling depressed or raging !
I know what you mean, it’s my Mum and Dad’s wedding anniversary today so they invited Harry and myself out for a meal.
I got upset in the pub because Sharon wasn’t with us, and all Harry could do was talk about crap to do with his mates car’s.
it seems only I care she’s gone and it upsets me so much, I can’t cope without her and no one else seems to notice and are carrying on.
Hi Richard and Alana, please don’t be too hard on yourselves unfortunately people who are not directly affected don’t seem to understand the heartache and pain you go through on a day by day basis.
Go easy on Harry, talking crap might just be his safety valve, and his way of trying to avoid seeing you upset. I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but he probably has no idea of the impact and the way of Sharon’s passing has affected you. What I pick up is that you’re ‘Dad’ and Dad deals with all the crap life throws at us.
Also it must have been very difficult to ‘celebrate’ your mum and dads anniversary. Richard , there is no option other than acceptance for us. It is now precisely 14 weeks since he passed, I’ve been crying, I’ve felt his presence / personality around me , or maybe just closeness to his memory, whatever it was its comforting ,I spoke out loud to him, telling him I love him and miss him, and I feel a little calmer .
Funny thing is whenever I read your messages I always think of Sharon, I find that really strange ???
How is Sam doing ?