Glad it went better than you thought. Don’t know if too soon for you bit watching zoe ball who is raising money for sport relief and talking with people who have gone through what you are going through now where partners or children have committed suicide. May be something to record and watch when you feel ready
I just think it was nice to see her but unfortunately that is something I cant do permanently.
I’m sorry you had a tearful day, whats your little plan for tomorrow
Its all the things that never crossed my mind that I’m having to get my head around. Because of Sharon’s back she felt that she was a burden (not true) so she used to look after all the household paperwork. I realised today that I cant even access our joint bank account as I don’t know username or password.
Tomorrow, I’m going to downsize my handbag collection and take to a charity shop.
I’ve got so much to sort out, but just doing it bit by bit, gives me something to focus on each day. But it’s the evenings that are the worst, I’ve never been so lonely
I know exactly what you mean about the evenings I just sit in front of the TV, we didn’t even watch that much TV. Today when I went to the hospital I noticed that their is an M&S express attached to it and all I could think of is that Sharon wont believe that when I tell her.
I went to our house today and sorted out all the washing and I placed all Sharon’s unwashed cloths in a cupboard so that no one could wash it.
There’s an M&S express in my local hospital too, as for the tv, we could never agree what to watch, he was a fan of American cop shows, I’m more documentary series.
It’s so strange sitting here alone, I don’t like it one bit, I miss his presence, I feel like part of me is missing, like my purpose in life
I know where you’re coming from, it’s almost a comforting connection,
I talk to my partner every night , kiss his photo, and hold my hand out pretending im holding his hand, like we used to every night, I’m so surprised I do that
The feeling of peace has gone now and I am feeling so lonely and just want to give her another cuddle like I did yesterday. I cant put off engaging the services of a funeral director any longer, so my plan for today is to go home to sort out our rabbit’s, go to the funeral directors, go to a booked doctors appointment and then across to another town 15 miles away because our local bank branch has been closed to see if they can get me access to our bank account as she had the password in her head and I never needed to know it
I understand so well about being able to cuddle them one last time, but I found I wanted ‘one last time’ all the time.
I hope you have some support, as it’s so easy to become overwhelmed with what you have to do. As for me, all my plans for today have been abandoned, woke up ok, an hour later I’m in tears, so I’ll be enduring the ‘massive void’ shift today.
Been to the funeral directors this morning and luckily our family friend Sally was there to help.
They are hoping to have Sharon in their care by tomorrow afternoon if the inquest is opened in the morning.
I like you Alana want to see Sharon each day and I have to accept that I cant.
When I went home this morning I called out ‘I’m home’ as soon as I walked in, and I was talking to Sharon as I was going around the house.
It took all my courage to talk to a stranger in the bank and it turns out they cant see me until next Thursday.
Unfortunately this part is never easy, having to plan for a funeral for the person you love is so difficult. Walking into an empty house is horrible or when something happens just wanting to pick up the phone and tell them, then reality hits home that they aren’t here. I wish I could tell you with time it gets easier but it doesn’t you just learn to deal with it in a differently. Sending you both a big hug xx
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The coroner opened my partners inquest a month after he passed away, and it won’t be heard until July, so only an interim certificate could be provided so the funeral could go ahead, which was exactly 7 weeks to the day he died, it’s been exactly 8 weeks today since I lost him, and over 3 months to go until the inquest, I’m dreading it.
As for your trip to the bank, I think they could’ve seen you given the circumstances, and as for making small talk with a stranger, I think that’s one of the reasons I avoid going out, but to be honest, apart from the family, I really don’t want to speak to anyone, even those who knew us. I feel very hostile towards people asking me questions about the event, I don’t think they care , just fake concern and then they just want to know the gory details, I’m feeling very tense today, thinking back how 8 weeks ago , even though he was unconscious, I was holding him, even as the ICU staff did all they could, then taking me into the ‘doom room’ as I called it.
I hate everything today, I want to cry, but I can’t !
Alana, it must have been so difficult waiting all that time for the authorities to get their act together. I keep thinking of all the things I need to tell Sharon. As for the bank I was in no state to push and I just accepted the appointment for next week.
I even got upset today that my eldest son went back to work, all I could think was how can you get back to normal.
I know its good that he is keeping busy and that everyone is different but it just upset me.
It’s so very difficult, maybe he needs to focus on something other than losing his mum, I doubt very much he has gone back to normal, just a coping mechanism ?
I think the time between losing someone and the funeral is surreal, it’s like the person is still here, dead but still here, that’s how it was for me.
When I went and sat with his coffin the Monday before the funeral, that’s when it really hit me, of course I knew he was dead, and not coming back, but seeing the coffin, and nameplate and date etc, bought the surrealism to a very abrupt end and reality kicked right in. Like you say we all grieve differently, and does make you wonder how some, can go through the motions of normality, while others are all consumed with sadness, and struggling to cope x
I feel just like you about the current period, I’m already looking forward to seeing her again next week and I m already dreading the finality of the funeral.
My parents have been great and my brother is coming down from up country tomorrow and Mum has just phoned me to let me know she has booked a table for lunch, being out and about in a pub is the last thing on my mind, I know they mean best and I’m so grateful but really.
Being out in a pub for lunch, is the last thing in your mind, but I think if you put the venue out of your mind, and concentrate on who your with and why, it’ll probably be a positive experience, but I hope the lunch will take place away from where your likely to bump into anyone who knew you both.
10 days after he passed away, my daughter suggested that we should go out, reluctantly I agreed. While I was out someone I knew came up and said, ‘so sorry for your loss, overdose was it ?’ so casually !
Apparently I went from a newly grieving widow into a raging demon , I can’t even remember it clearly, but I remember clearly who said it
I’m so sorry Alana, I had my first experience today of telling somebody who asked how it happened. I told them she took her own life and before I had chance to explain the constant pain she lived with they replied with ‘OH’ followed by a look of awkwardness and the excuse the parking ticket was about to expire.
Without going in to detail, my partner had a lot of demons to cope with.
An extremely physically strong man, unfortunately mentally and emotionally not so.
Although he took his own life, I am of the opinion that , it was the demons which tortured him mentally that killed him, I don’t think for one minute he meant to take his own life, but the demons got the better of him.
I’m finding the situation very difficult to deal with, which in turn has led to me being referred to a specialist counsellor.
I just want to scream !
Again not going into too much detail Sharon has suffered mental and physical abuse at the hands of her step father from the age of 6, she ran away with her mum and grandparents at the age of 23.
I met Sharon 2 years later and she eventually had the courage to tell me her history and was convinced I was going to run for the hills, but I was well and truly madly in love with her by that time.
She Has had mental health illness all her life and then 10 years ago she had a fall which seriously damaged her back, she was told it was a historic injury that was the main reason it was so bad, it transpired that step father threw her down a flight of stairs when she was 18.
So again in her mind he was still ruining her life.
Yesterday I was looking through her bed side cabinet in the hope she might of hid a letter or anything and I found a letter from the hospital and as I’m sure you know they now list all diagnoses at the top regardless of what the appointment was for and it said she had PTSD and carpal tunnel on both wrists due to long term use of crutches.
It then said she refused treatment because she would be immobile whilst recovering, she hasn’t told me any of this or several other diagnoses on the list. I just don’t know how to feel about it.