I’d turned up with presents, ate, drank and was somehow able to get through the day.
Ostensibly, it appeared that I was coping and keeping it together.
Little do my family know that prior to seeing them, I had been in floods of tears for most of the morning, as I yearned for my beloved.
And little do they know that the tears flowed once again, when I returned home.
On reflection, I came to realise that I had merely put my feelings on hold, so as not to ‘spoil’ everyone’s Christmas and hid behind a facade.
The reality however, was that I couldn’t stop thinking about my beloved the entire time and actually felt like a bit of a stranger with people who’d known me all my life, because I was unable to express my true state.
I never use to feel like this, but since losing my partner just over 9 weeks ago, my perception has altered.
Did anybody else feel like they were just putting their emotions on hold during the festivities?
Yes, I felt exactly the same. I cried all morning, cried when I got into bed. I can honestly say that even though I was surrounded by people I had never felt so alone. I lost my husband just over 8 weeks ago and I’ve cried every day for him. On the outside I look fine and everyone thinks I’m coping but all I can think about is him and how much I want to be with him.
I always feel that I have to hide my emotions because I don’t want to bring down everyone else. It is so difficult.
Hi Sharon. I spent Christmas day with my family i like you put on my so called happy face so as not to spoil my Grandchildren day I watched open their presents and happy faces and felt so much like crying as their Grandad would have enjoyed it so much. Everyone thought I was OK. When I got back home I just sat down and cried . Its hard to put on a facade and feeling lonely when you are with your family. X
@Sharrona
I lost my beloved partner last Wednesday 15th Dec, suddenly and unexpectedly. My son picked me up yesterday to spend the day with them and I felt exactly as you did. I feel completely broken inside. But managed to put on a front and nothing felt real. Like I was outside myself watching. It’s agony and the tears flow when I’m on my own.
Sending love and hugs xx
I feel as if I am doing that all the time. My husband, Ian, passed away 27 weeks ago, only 7 weeks after a cancer diagnosis. I am still struggling and feel nothing but emptiness inside.
I am staying with my son and his family and I feel I have to keep the tears in check until I’m in the sanctuary of my own room at bed time or in the shower. My grand daughter is only three and a half and so I can’t spoil her Christmas.
I just can’t believe the effect this living nightmare has had on me. Sometimes I just want it all to end.
I think we do when others are with us, I tried my hardest for my kids, but did have to leave the room a couple of times when I felt my eyes prickling, so I went to my room, had a silent cry, washed my face and went back downstairs. Sometimes the mask slips, but I try to wait until they are in bed or before they are up
Hi Sal,
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Your grief will be in its rawest form at the moment, so to have to contend with Christmas as well, undoubtedly takes it into another dimension.
Please keep reaching out if you need support.
My heart goes out to you. I lost my partner of 20 years a week ago today and everything just feels frozen in time. I declined numerous invitations of Christmas festivities to sort out my head and not spoil anyones fun. I had messages from people saying ‘have a nice day’ who are aware of my situation and I have found that people text rather than ring cos they don’t have to deal with you personally. I’m beside myself with grief and just curl up in bed with the dogs. I know the world carries on and people don’t mean to hurt you, but it’s so easy to put “sorry for your loss on Facebook” then put a photo of everyone enjoying themselves round the Christmas tree directly below it.
The world seems cold and empty and I long to have a hug or a cuddle from the love of my life xxx
I was also with my partner for 20 years, before they’d departed at age 50 in October.
I’m a little further ahead in terms of time, but the grief is ever omnipresent.
I don’t blame you for wanting to just take some time out, as you’ll have lots of emotions and thoughts to process, given how recently your beloved passed on.
Yes, people can be insensitive, even though it’s not intentional.
It’s just so desperately sad that we’re all now members of a club that none of us ever wanted to join.
Yes, I can understand completely. I always try to hold things together when I’m with my kids as they have their own grief to manage. I’m spending Christmas with my son in America and I was fine holding it together until about 5pm when I unwrapped one of their gifts and it was a personalised calender which I loved but the front page was my favourite pic if my hubby and I. I just broke down. Felt so bad, I didn’t want to upset the grandchildren or the adults but my wonderful daughter in law just came over and gave me a big hug! I was OK then till I went to bed and she’d a tear as I kissed his picture and said goodnight. I do that every night and go to sleep hugging the last shirt he wore and I haven’t washed it. He died 19th Nov 2020! Am I being silly? Xx
It’s just seems we’re all just going through the motions and like you say for others, my bedroom is my sanctuary where I can let myself go but I’m finding that I’m more silently crying and staring into the dark on a deeper level of loss, I’m off for a few days to stay with family which will test me hopefully I’ll be ok then just have to get through new year, thinking of everyone on the same sorrowful journey xx
It has been hard going as you all know Christmas Day was so hard with out my husband to share it with first time I have been alone spent 48yrs together bowing day I have spent day alone don’t have to make an effort it is such an awful thought to start a year with out him it’s been 7 months we all feel the same would like to be with out loved one it’s so lonely although family say they are there fie you they have there own lives hope all manage to find a way to live in this new life love hugs x
Hi Craig,
I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s still so early for you to be in anything but shock and heartbreaking pain. I lost my husband 19 weeks ago at age 48, it was very sudden and we were married for nearly 20 years together for 31 and even now, I’m still in shock. As to everyone around, they will never know the pain we are in unless it happens to them. Many of my ‘friends’ have disappeared since as they don’t know how to be around me anymore, and I confess, I may have been guilty of saying the same inconsiderate phrases in the past, before sadly knowing how all consuming this pain is. You do what you have to to get through each day, one moment at a time. Sadly we here know how you feel and are here for you x
Pam28, you are being anything but silly, my wife passed In June 2020 after 45 years of marriage and I still cuddle her nightdress every night, it’s the last one she wore and I would never part with it. Grief affects us all differently and there is no right way or wrong way. Try to keep going and take care, I know it really hard but your husband would not want you to be like this, Bob
Hi. I really appreciate being able to read your stories and feedback that you’re all sharing.
My partner ended his life a few months ago. I’m keeping all of my feelings locked in, I live with family now and I spend the whole time having no privacy, but also not wanting to cause them distress by ever showing upset. I can’t escape from what’s in my head and what I saw when I found him. I put on a brave face, and have almost convinced myself that I’m ok and “I’m getting on with my life”, but I’m starting to feel that I’m suffocating by not being able to process the nightmare that I’m stuck in. No one is aware of this, I feel totally isolated inside.
I can’t even watch tv anymore. I need some form of escapism, but every film or series that I put on seems to have a some reference to death, ghosts, the particular method of suicide that my partner chose…. I feel physically sick even hearing the word, or reading it… and seeing anything like that depicted on film is unbearable and I feel so panicked to avoid it.
I’ve reached out to so many charities and support groups, but there doesn’t seem to be anything that I can access. I’m starting to feel trapped in my own mind and desperate for help.
I can’t believe this has happened to me, that I’ve experienced such a sudden, unexpected trauma within a “normal” relationship, and feel totally stuck with no way to process it.
I am so sorry for your pain. Perhaps you could try reading the books written by Gary Roe. I have read a couple his and they really help. He does one I’m sure on grief due to suicide. If you go to amazon they are all on there xxx
Yes I too put my feelings on hold every time I am with others but it is affecting how I relate to people. I used to find any social interaction to be easy but I now struggle to make conversation although I want to be with others and hate being alone. My husband died on November 10th and coming into the Christmas festivities has been difficult and I have done my best to ignore most of it such as only buying a few presents. I was lucky to be in company on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and today but coming into my lonely house this evening was horrible and I cried and screamed as the reality of losing my husband overwhelmed me. So, being in company is hard and I often want to get home but I hate being here on my own .
I can associate with what you have said.”Thinking of you”,a term loosely used and stated only for the time it takes to write the words. I lost Gary 7 weeks ago . The world goes on but my life has stopped. I am very angry today, someone on Facebook has stated gutted is an understatement, reason being they were unable to go on a family holiday due to new Spanish restrictions. I couldn’t help myself in responding, At least you have family, some of us have lost loved ones, a holiday can be rebooked but a person cannot be replaced. What a shame she can’t go on holiday, although she has already been on 6 this year. I’m angry because Gary was misdiagnosed with long Covid and all along he had cancer. The weekend he was diagnosed, another friends family member was also diagnosed but got treatment straight away and he is still here but Gary had to wait to see a chemo doctor.
