Swimming

I’ve been away for a while travelling mainly for work but also visiting family. Before I left I was feeling nervous about the trip, it was the first time away without my wife, visiting a place we’d been to before and meeting people I hadn’t seen since before her death last November.

I’ve been pretty much on my own for the duration, working out routines, finding ways to process, space for grieving as I needed it. I was nervous about being around people constantly as I was staying with my brother and his family, commuting to work from their house each day, so not much space for myself and my thoughts. At first it was as I had anticipated, ambushed by memories of our trips there, sharing grief with the people who knew us as a couple, relating my experiences of the last months. But as the weeks moved on and as I talked and remembered and met people who had known her, I began to realise that I had taken time to face my grief and that I could now talk of it as something that was almost seperate from myself. Almost separate from my memories of my wife. Almost.

I realised that the life I had the opportunity to now live was the real gift that my wife had left me. The plans we had together are still in motion, the work we did together is moving forward and will be complete. Living with my brothers family I realised that life goes on, that my wife would always be part of not just my story but part of the story of many people, she would be remembered. But now her story was over, the end was sad but the journey there was beautiful. That I have, that I will always have. I will never get over losing her, she will always affect me, she will always be part of my life, my story. And in a way that is what I have been avoiding all this time since she left. Her story is over, she is now part of mine.

It’s very sad to think that, to acknowledge that, but for me there is really nothing left to be done other than accept it.

When I returned home I knew that something had changed, my perspective had shifted. The journey through grief, the acceptance of loss has been beyond anything I have had to experience, interperet, understand. I am not the man that started out, I have looked into the abyss and it has definitely looked back, shown me who I am, shown me who my wife was, shown me who we were together. It has been pain and suffering and I know there is more ahead. But I know that I can take it, my wife is still with me in my story, she will inform and she will assist and this story will go on, it has to.

I have experienced joy without guilt, enjoyed the company of others, made plans for the future, memories come and go and I don’t fall apart. There is hope for us all. Taking time to face my grief, to understand my loss, to experience the guilt of still living, it has all been part of getting to here. Acceptance. At times I thought I would never arrive, in someways I still doubt that I have. Time will tell. But I have the tools that I have built, challenging myself, accepting defeats but going back to try again, knowing when I need distraction, knowing when I need to reflect, knowing how to create a secure emotional space to do all of this in. It has taken time and effort with many, many set backs but I have always tried to learn and adapt and for me it has begun to allow me to live a life that I never dreamed possible when she died. It’s not the same and it’s by no ways better but it’s a life I feel will evolve postively and allow me to go forward, my wife securely with me for as long as I last. I realise now that for me grief has been as much about understanding myself and what I need as it has been about my loss. The waves keep coming but we can learn to swim.

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So glad you are back. You are such a positive force and I for one have missed you. My journey continues. It has only been just over 4 months for me but your posts give me a way forward and hope.

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@Walan I have been thinking about you and wondered if you had left this site as I know grief sites can either help you or have the opposite effect. Thank you for such a positive post. Like you said grief is like a roller coaster and the waves come from no where. Grief is so sneaky. I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly nearly 10 months ago. Some days are better than other days. This week I had 3 days of crying and feeling low like I was in the early days. Yesterday and today I feel much better. I continue every day thinking of my husband and miss him so much. This grief journey definitely going to have some big bumps in the road to a unknown destination.
Take care and big hugs xx

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@Walan Thank you so much for your positive post. I just love your philosophy and I’m really trying to emulate your outlook on life. I will always love my husband and as you say he will always be part of my story but ‘my story’ continues and I owe it to us both to make the most of my life, as hard as that is some days! As I have said many times, ‘none of us have tomorrow guaranteed so let’s live each day’!
Much love to you and everyone on this site. J x

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Thanks for posting this. The tears flowed as I read your post. I can feel the sadness you have suffered but feel the hope as well.

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@Walan glad to see you back. You offer such a rational perspective to this journey we are all on. Like @Jax2 I try to have a similar philosophy. Our lives are for living, as hard as that is without our partners. But what a waste our lives would be if we just lay down and let grief consume us. That is not to say I don’t find it a struggle because I still do, although I can feel and see progress. I am trying to forge a future life I can be content with, while always having my husband in my thoughts and heart.

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@Jan17 I know what you mean about missing your husband daily and having days that are hard though you don’t want this grief to ruin your life. I remember in the beginning like me that you thought your life was over. Nice to read a positive post from you. Take care and big hugs xx

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Thanks for all your lovely comments, tbh I find this site such a supportive place that I just dump what I’m thinking, that it is of any use to anyone is always a bonus, a joy to me. Thank you for the welcome back.

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@Hazel.1966 thank you for your kind words. I certainly have come a long way from those early days, although it’s still a struggle sometimes. I hope you are doing better now too? Xx

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@Jan17 You hit the nail on the head when you talk of not wanting to lay down, it’s a belief that’s kept me getting back up and just trying something, anything, and seeing how it goes. It took me a long time to admit to myself that wanting to have a life, and live it, was not a betrayal of my wife but the inevitable progression of our life together. It’s a hard won realisation and I have no map to offer, but it can be done, we just have to find our way.

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@Jan17 thank you for your reply… the beginning of this week I was very low and kept crying. The last couple of days I have felt much better though still very sad not having my man here. I have met up with some wonderful people on here who are also going through the same thing which helps. Not looking forward to Christmas as my husband died a week before Christmas so will be the one year anniversary. Hopefully you have got a good support network. Lots of love Xx

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Dreading it hazel … at moment im not even thinking about it … his ashes are still with me because i cant let them go … i just leave them near his picture so i feel close to him still :frowning: xx

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Same here debs xx

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@Hazel.1966 gosh that will be hard. Dreading Christmas but must be much worse being the first anniversary too. Xx

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Its same for me @Jan17 because my husband passed just before xmas too … :frowning: xxx

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@Deb5 I can’t imagine how difficult that will be. A difficult enough time, without the anniversary too. Xx

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I know … worst time really isnt it ;( bless you … guess we will get through … somehow … i try not to think about it. Im going to tenerife on 22nd november for 4 nights with my daughter and granddaughter so i just look forward to that tbh … i have had a funny week this week going back to his last night … dunno why ? Probably because we talking about xmas :frowning: xxx

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@Walan thank you for your positive post. I am only 2 weeks into this journey and seeing such positivity does help.
Jaq and I had planned to move up to Northumberland before her diagnosis (lymphoma) in Dec 20, so I will do that later in the year.
I am here now and been to neighbours for this evening and coped. This was where we were happy and calm and I can keep myself busy.
Just the funeral to get through and let our adult children go back to their lives away from me (London and Kazakhstan…).
Jaq will always been in my thoughts and by my side. She said her voice will always be in my head advising me of the best course of action. So here is hoping…

This site where everyone is in a similar situation helps.

Take care…Pete

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Hi Deb, I have just got my husband’s ashes back and like you I have them with me. I just cannot let him go at the moment. I have them next to the bed so I can talk to him at night. Probably not the best thing but in a way it helps. Thinking of you and hope you are ok. Xx

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I too have my wife’s ashes,first I had them in a casket but over a few weeks I thought that it wasn’t right for her so I got the funeral director to put them in a scatter tube. The scatter tube has a Autumn woodland pattern on it with all the colours that suited her dress style.
I thought early on that I would get a few people together and release her ashes over the sea just across the road that we live on.
In time,yet again I changed my mind and decided to keep her with me as she didn’t like the cold so she is now staying in our lovely warm lounge. I can’t imagine letting her go now but at some stage I will have to. In my mind you are definitely doing the right thing for you by keeping hubby next to you. x

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