good day bad day comes and goes but every nite is a sleeless night hit me more to night after things have not gone to plan today and Darrells not here to hold me to make me feel safe to tell me everything will be ok to tell me im loved … the bottom of the wine bottle isnt giving me answers i need anymore so i dont know what to do …do i wait for him to get me or do i go to him now if hes not here soon it will be to late because i cant hold on im losing that grip … i wanted to be happy but this life has dealt me the shittest hand time and time again this time is the last i cant do it anymore i cant live my life alone hope you all find your peace xx jo
So sorry you are feeling so absolutely wretched after a rubbish day. I’ll resist the urge to say “you are not alone” because at this time of night it doesn’t feel you can get much more “alone” does it I’m sorry to say. I can agree with the drinking thing as I’ve done similar to cope but where do you go when your distraction doesn’t distract anymore. I don’t mean to be negative, I’m just wanting to say I understand as we all do. Please don’t let yourself get worse over the weekend and suffer in silence without speaking to someone, especially as you seem so overwhelmed. Hopefully the opposite will happen and after a bit of sleep you’ll awake to a few hours respite. I’m sorry I can’t be much help but I wanted you to know your words have been read and I’d like to extend compassionate thoughts to you if I may. Hope tomorrow is kinder to you.
1 Like
Please post tomorrow to let us know how you are feeling ???
Thinking of you hold on in there my husband passed 16 months it’s still very hard but with good friends and family you will get through it, I’ve done the drink thing to and it’s not the answer
Regards Lorraine
Thinking of you hold on in there my husband passed 16 months it’s still very hard but with good friends and family you will get through it, I’ve done the drink thing to and it’s not the answer
Regards Lorraine
hi Tina thank you for your messages i wasnt far from rock bottom last nite i cant do another day like that this morning feel pretty numb ive always been needed and now im not needed anymore so just feel like i shouldnt be here got no purpose in this sad lonely life … will see how things go today hopefully Darrell will guide me i know he wouldnt want me to be like this i know he would want me to be happy but hes not here is he and im so bloody angry that hes left me to just carry on i text him last night for help but no help came so i dont know which way to go i had so much love to give always helped everyone else always thought about everyone else first people always wanted to be around me look where thats got me thats not me now theres no point i have never been on my own and i know i cant live alone and no one is going to want a train wreck as a companion sorry for rambling on xx like i said see what today brings and hope i get some guidance to what to do next before i make any decision xxx jo x
hi lorraine thank you for your message feel numb at this morning will see how i go even though i know the aun is shining out side all i can see and feel is a big empty black pit that i cant get out of xx love jo x
Hi lovely Jo, take each hour at a time. I remember someone saying to me that when you hit rock bottom the only way is up, let’s hope that is true. I know exactly how you feel, you have lost your sense of purpose even identity. As a wife and mother the kids may grow up and need you less and less but you always still had Darrell there, as I had George, to look after, cook nice meals for and generally just support and love each other but now all that is gone, so what now? I have no interest in food, tv or reading anymore. George and I would happily sit watching tv or reading just enjoying being in each others company, and Saturday night I loved to cook something special after we had enjoyed the day together having lunch in town etc. I pray every night for George to come and get me and know I will never get over losing him. I wish I had the answer for how we carry on but somehow we keep getting through today and then the next and the next. I guess our sense of survival is stronger than we realise even though we kick against it all the time. I am now just over 18 weeks since I lost my lovely George and have hated every minute of the time since then but somehow I am realising that I am beginning to form my own routines and coping strategies whether I like it or not. I still cannot imagine being here for the 1st year anniversary in November, but that is a long way off yet. Keep going Jo, we are all here for you. Our happiness and lives will never be the same again and we cannot pretend otherwise, but we can do each day together xx
Hi Jo, it is better to share your feelings than bottle them up. I was at work yesterday morning and clicked into my voice mails only to realise that there were a number from George. Of course I listened to a couple which was a big mistake at work and that sort of set the theme for the rest of the day. I started doing some work in the garage this morning because it is such a mess and there are tools, bits of pipe, wood etc., which I have not got a clue what to do with. Anything which I considered rubbish I have put out to go to the tip. I could almost hear George saying ‘noooo keep that it will be useful one day!!’ I don’t know how we get through this pain and the yearning and missing our men (or ladies), it is all so cruel. I know if you are married or in a relationship you know at some point one of you is going to be left on your own but no matter what age you are can you ever be ready for it?? I just know that at age 52 I don’t want to live another 30+ years without him. Take care, will you see anyone today? xx
Jo, I have only just switched my computer on, so just been reading your posts. I wish you could ring me when you are in such despair. I don’t like to think of you alone and so miserably unhappy. You need to have someone to talk to when you feel like this. I was given a leaflet and put it away and thought no more about it but it might be of use to you at times of deep despair. It’s called The Silver Line and for lonely people to call 24hrs a day. It’s used for people to have a chat but I presume they will help and talk to you even though your despair is grief. It was started by Esther Rantzen the number is 0800 470 80 90 or check it out on www.thesilverline.org.uk. otherwise have the Samaritans number ready for times like this. The middle of the night is a truly frightening time so Just pour your heart out and it just might help at that time. I’m not going to say talking will cure but you need someone. What about counselling, any chance of that. I’m worried about you Jo and need to know your alright. Please find a way to come through this terrible time. You know there are so many of us with you, all trying hard to make some sense of what is happening to us. Keep remembering that, your not alone. You have a son and daughter and grandchildren that all love you, think about them when at your lowest. Love to you Pat xxxx
hi Deb i understand what you mean about the tool i went in to the shed and seen all of Darrell plumbing stuff and all his tools and was just touching each one knowing he was the last one to touch them … Darrell was older me but when he was well would always say im only as old as the women i feel and would wink at me we were always laughing and talking hugging and its all that that im missing so much the feeling of being wanted x now i dont feel like i think whats the point … i know i cant live on my own and that really frightens me think that at 49 theres a possibilty of 40 years on my own not a cat person but have images of me sitting there with 50 cats round me in a pair of fluffy slippers hair net and a shawl xx my son is here today wont see anyone else xx thank you for chatting to me take care love jo x
Jo, now you have made me smile, only 50 cats!!! From the picture of you and Darrell you are a very attractive woman and I don’t think you will go down that road when you climb out of this black hole of despair. You also strike me has having an inner strength with what you have gone through for so many years, so as I have said before. Dig deep, take each day, grieve and forget about the fluffy slippers and hair net. You could be so much help to others in the future, I am sure, in time to come. I say this because you care about people, and the way you talk of Darrell never fails to bring a tear. The silly little things are what we remember the most Oh and by the way. I will say this again. Please, Please leave the alcohol alone, this will only make things so much worse and depress you more.
Saturday a bad day for me, so I go out early. I went off and walked a long beach with the dogs. I stayed out for hours just so that I wouldn’t remember that Brian died on a Saturday morning. Take care. Love Pat xxx
Hi Jo, your pasts resonate so much with .
I lost my lovely husband 19th Jan and my life since then has been a living nightmare
I don’t cry very often , I experienced “anticipatory grief “ after he was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer in October 18,but I have this deep deep sadness and simply I just want him back
I have been looking at his tools and stuff today, I even mowed the lawn but got upset when I couldn’t wind the electric cable as neatly as he used to do.
I agree that the thought of years and years on my own is horrendous. I do have friends and family who are a great help , but they obviously cant really understand how I feel, only someone going through this grief can , even though we all grieve in different ways
I don’t want counselling but on Monday I am going to a bereavement cafe (not the nicest of names)at a local hospice and hope to meet face to face people in our situation
All of the people who have replied to you are thinking of you , and probably a lot too who don’t feel up to posting an the forum
Sending you my best Wishes x
Hello Debra. I have been working my way through Brian’s things since he died in November. The loft was horrendous and then the shed. I couldn’t even get into it and like you say so much that I hadn’t a clue what things were. I too could imagine him saying “But that might come in useful one day”. Be handy if I knew what use these things were for, so I too bagged up so much, filled the car to capacity and got rid at the tip. How Brian would have hated me touching his things as he knew where everything was. Wish he had told me though.
Yes I knew I would lose my Brian but it makes things no easier. I had heart pains a week or two ago it was very frightening when on your own at night but now convinced the problem is a broken heart and when I eventually get an appointment at the hospital (under review is all I know) I will tell the Doctor this. He might well laugh but I know my heart is broken into little pieces and there is no medication that will mend it.
You take care but still visualising you climbing (as I had to) through the mess in the garage. Pat xxxx
hi Pat thank you for your lovely message really needed that today it was very frightening last night no sleep didnt know what to do who to talk-to or message i did message Darrell hoping he would help me but nothing thats why i had to write on here i was in such a state so gone through today with no sleep since thusday night gone off food the last couple of day ( got enough on me for a year or 2 anyway) so dont know what im running off at the moment… ive always had trust issues from things that happened when i was younger thats something ive had to live with but i came through stuff stronger then this happened with Darrell and it completly broke me x its like i said i no that i cant live alone when Darrell was well and he had to nip out he would be ringing me and as soon as he open the front door i would be in his arms id have butterflies in my tummy as though i was meeting someone on a first date i loved him soo sooo much im sorry im rambling xx thank you for taking the time to message me i cant begin to tell you how grateful i am xx please take care of yourself love to you jo xxx
hi Pat i know you struggle on a saturday i hope your walk helped you release some of you despair xx the weather here is sunny but chilly so i will stay in the fluffy slippers might come out now not sure about the hair net but the shawl is a must have x im glad i made you smile with the 50 cats … please take care of yourself love to you x jo xx
hi lancashirelass thank you for your message kind words and support last night i was so frightened everything hit me all at once the day itself didnt go well but was not exspecting the heltor skeltor ride i was on last night just didnt no what to do xx i also like you dont want councelling i would rather write things down like i do on here . i am undecided whether to take off for a couple of days to see if going somewhere no boby knows me would help where people wont stop me and say im so sorry about Darrell are you eating ok do you need anything ring if you need anything xx just feel like those are empty words i am not the sort of person that would ring someone and say look im having a bad day will you come down and sit with me for a short time… im rambling sorry hope you have a peaceful evening take care sending love jo xx
1 Like
Hi Jo, George was 20 years older than me and said exactly the same thing as your Darrell, we had such a lovely life together and just made each other happy. I never imagined living on my own either and now most of the time I do just that because my son stays with girlfriend a lot of the time. It is awful having to adjust to it. I guess because I have a dog and cat I don’t feel as if I am totally on my own and I also carry George’s casket round the house with me, whatever room I am in so is he, especially at night when he still is in his side of the bed. It might seem crazy to other people but it is the only way I can find any comfort and he is still with me. I talk to him, I hug the casket and treasure it just as if it is him. The kids think I have lost the plot but until I am with him again, then me and his casket will never be parted, because physically that is all I have left of him. I often think he must smile down and realise how much he is loved as he is still sleeping in our bed and as far as I am concerned that will never change. My son is out filming rugby today and apart from a chat to my sister on the phone I have been on my own. I am on holiday from work this week, my first one without George and I am not sure how I will cope because we never holidays apart, this is all so hard. I hope you have a more peaceful night and get some sleep xxx
hi Deb wow how similiar our situation is with our men being 20 years apart that’s uncanny mu son is in college most of the week im on my own got 2 little dogs but they sleep most if the time i think they are missing their dad x my Darrell ashes ate in my front room and i stay in there if i can most of the day i have Darrells foto on his pillow and i have his fingerprint tattooed on the inside of my wrist . this mite sound crazy but i always carry one of Darrells sock with me like a comfort blanket x if you struggle this week i dont mind if you would like my number a txt would come through quicker just private message me and i will send it to you xx look after yourself hun take care love jo xx
Hi Debra and Jo
I think what ever gives you comfort is great,I have my husbands hairbrush with his hair in it on his bedside table.He was toldtht his chemo was so aggressive his hair would fall off within a day, it didn’t not until the day before he died.Am am so grateful for that,he had hair similar to Richard Gere,it was so lovely
I also keep his specs where he put the every night, such great comfort to me
As I said in a previous post nobody can understand these things unless they have gone through the same experiences
Love to all