Sorry for late reply but so sorry Jo that you feel so bad right now. I completely know how you feel. I too wish that I could join Ian but know how upset he would be with me if I did anything to myself. Also it would break so many hearts. We have to carry on Jo, as best we can, hoping it will become easier to bear. It’s real shit isn’t it.
Thinking of you Jo xxxxxx
Hi Pattidot, George died at the end of November and the garage has actually been converted into two rooms, one of which is George’s office and the other is a room which mainly held his books but became a bit of a dumping ground in George’s last couple of years. The times I nagged him to get it tidied up and now wished I had relaxed and enjoyed my time with him instead of worrying. I now have all the time in the world to tidy it up even if I do not know what I am doing!! I am so sorry about your heart pains, the doctor may well laugh but there is such a thing as broken heart syndrome and it is not surprising our own health suffers after the trauma we have been and are still going through. My own health has not been so good of late and it is frightening having to deal with it all on your own. I was sitting at the hospital the other day waiting for an ultrasound amongst couples who were waiting together for one of them to go in for their investigations. I always went with George whenever he had medical appointments, even before his final illness. When he had his knee replacements I waited at the hospital whilst he went down for his ops and would not leave until he was safely back. Oh to have the magic powers to go back in time xx
I’m with you all ladies. Nobody. but nobody could possibly know this pain and whatever gives you some relief then that’s seems just fine to me, even if people think we’ve lost the plot. Brian’s slippers are still by his chair in the living room. I wear his watch and have a piece of his hair in a small casket by some of his ashes along with his photo on a coffee table. I carry his wallet in my backpack and I have a photo of him looking tanned and healthy in a wallet with my bus pass, so we all do what gives us comfort. One day I was stood at the bus stop with the photo in my hand. A woman looked over my shoulder and said what a lovely photo and such a good looking man. I was so proud however my Brian would have just laughed at this comment. Keep going ladies, we CAN do this. Pat xxxx
hi julie this life that we have been left to deal with is really shit xx thank you for your reply i hope you have a peaceful evening xxx love jo xx
Debra, if only we could go back in time, just for a short time. There is so much I want to say to Brian, things I would change. I write it all down every night and hope he knows. Everyday there seems to be a different thing troubling me. I still wish I could have done more. Should I have tried to resuscitate him, but it wasn’t his wish and he seemed too weak and in pain. But we doubt ourselves all the time.
When Brian was seriously ill ten years ago and having op after op, I wouldn’t leave his side but the hospital put every obstacle in my way. I literally had to argue all the time with them just to find out what was happening. If he had died at that time I would have sent them to hell for the way we was treated. The last year of his life he went to the hospital every three/four months but would never let me go with him. He said there was no point, everything was alright, but that wasn’t correct, he was telling fibs. How bad do I feel now. I should have guessed. I believed him until I realised how ill he was for myself and then it was over all too soon. So to go back in time would be so wonderful. xxx Pat.
Your telling me it’s shit. I hope when I’m ready though that I can find a way to help others going through this in some way. You ramble on all you want Jo, that’s what were here for. I don’t see it as rambling though. I hope it helps you in some way. Take care of yourself because the body and mind can only take so much. Don’t forget if you are suffering tonight call the Samaritan’s or similar and just talk to someone that’s what they’re there for. Alone and frightened at night is a nightmare.
Will be thinking of you. Pat xxxx
thank you Pat felt stronger this afternoon i dont know why comes and goes at the time you just feel its only happening to you even though you know everyone on here is suffering so much pain and heartache x thank you for all of your support and caring words today and in the past sent with love and respect xx jo xx
Jo, I too felt exactly as you do, I pleaded for Alan to come for me every single night. I’m a great believer in the spirit world and talk to Alan every day, I also talk to my spirit guides. One night I was asking for Alan to come for me and the message I received was that Alan will come for me when it’s my time but he’s not permitted to come for me before then. That reply told me that if I did ‘force’ my departure from the esrth plane, I would not be with Alan on the other side. (my replies come on the form of thoughts). After that I stopped asking him to come for me, I still miss him like hell still can’t believe he’s not here still feel I’m living a nightmare and in a permanent fog.
As you say, it’s the way they made us feel safe, protected us, gave us a hug, I miss the feeling when Alan held me tight , as though nothing in the world could harm me. I do understand completely Jo, I’ve been where you are now several times, and no doubt will feel rock bottom many more times in what future I have.
I tend not to think about the future, my thoughts seem to be firmly in the past at present (if you know what I mean).
I find that writing down my feelings helps, it’s another way I can communicate with Alan. Maybe it could help you in some way
Blessings
Jen☆
hi Jen i am better txting or being on here than i am speaking to anyone face to face because i just break down no one can see my tears in a txt or any other nessage form x i get annoyed sometimes as i selfishly think… Darrell i was always there for you when you were so so poorly i never left your side for that 12 month now the tables have turned and i need you here for me so what are you doing ? where else have you got to go ? who are you with why arent you with me ? … reading it sounds so bloody stupid perhaps ive just lost the plot xx love to you Jen love jo xxx
Good morning Jo, How are you today, what sort of night did you have, thinking of you and the others that are suffering. You don’t sound stupid, I have exactly the same thoughts. Who is he with? Has he forgotten me? Is he annoyed with me for that last day together as it was horrendous? Has he found his first wife, who died? Why isn’t he sending some message to me and helping me? I even begin to wonder if he ever really loved me and having doubts. Where does that come from. Hope you day is bearable. My thoughts and love is with you Pat xxxx
Good morning Jen, I too have feelings that come to me as thoughts. I didn’t understand them years ago, or why I got them. When my father died suddenly in his forties I knew months before that I was going to lose him. don’t ask me how and the day he died I knew before I was told. He wasn’t ill, just died sat in his chair. My husband was in a road accident, I knew about it before the police arrived to tell me. I was stood at the window and saw the police car turn up my road, I walked down the drive to meet them. They asked me how I knew they was coming to my house, I knew… A horse I owned needed me, I knew this and when I arrived she had a broken leg and had to be destroyed. I have had other thoughts also over the years and learnt not to ignore them. Brian has been to me and let me know his wishes some way or other. How do I know these things, I have no idea. Of course I have to also work out which is my imagination working overtime. Bran said I was a frightening person to have around. I saw Brian’s death months before he died. I prayed I was wrong this time. I talk to Brian every day and sometimes look at his photographs on the coffee table and tell him to stop smiling at me, it’s his fault I’m a mess. Why did he go. A friend told me it was because it was his time and there was nothing he could do about it. Sometimes I wonder why we have to be punished for loving so much. Still another day to face up to. Good luck Pat xxxx
1 Like
hi Pat did you get my number x i was still awake at 2 then i must of nodded off then i woke at 6.30 so had a few hours sleep x what sort of night did you have … its horrible the thoughts that go through our heads isnt it and the more you think about them the angrier you get and end up getting so worked up x i’m not a violent person but if Darrell is with someone else up there he wont have knee caps left when i get to see him again and he would no that to lol xx i keep going over in my head what Darrell would want me to do and ive felt a little comfort thinking he would not want me to be so unhappy he always said id laugh if my arse was on fire (this morning hes right i was on the sunbed yesterday and im a bit over cooked) we were always laughing and talking and us being like that i think got us both through the last year of his life he never lost his sense of humour and im sure he did that for me … silly little things we did would have us in stitches when Darrell could still move his hands i bought him a bell so he didnt have to keep shouting me and for the first day he never stopped ringing it so i took the thing out of the middle of it one night and the next morning i heard a bang i came running down the stairs to find the bell on the floor and him laughing so much he was in tears he looked at me and said you are such a shit he had being trying to ring it for ages lol x its little thing like that i keep thinking of and smiling at i took the bell of him altogether though as it was getting annoying lol x sorry for rambling on xx its 11 weeks today at exactly 9.02 am so im sitting in the front room with him having a cup of coffee and reading the paper but he doesnt want to hear about brexit or the Kardashians again hes told me lol i hope you have as pleasant a day as possible take care sending heaps of love your way jo xxx
Morning Jo, hope you managed a better sleep, think our minds go into overdrive and we start thinking of all kinds of scenarios, I keep having feelings of guilt, guilt for not doing some things Alan wanted me to do, like giving up work 4 years ago, I’m self employed but certain times of the year I was working up to 14 and 15 hours a day. I am now retiring by end of July of all goes to plan. I feel guilty that I’m doing now what he wanted 4 years ago.
I’ve never felt anger towards him, I think that’s because we didn’t know he was so critically and terminally ill , he wasn’t his usual self but nothing to indicate the severity of his condition. I know he’d not have coped at all and would have given up had he known. I’m forever grateful that he never knew. His last 45 minutes we spent alone together, and whilst it was heart wrenching, it was also beautiful if you know what I mean. I knew I had to let him go, told him I didn’t want to but loved him too much to keep him with me, I’m getting all upset now thinking of those final moments. I can recall every single moment of those final moments. (i thought it was 30 but our daughter said it was 45.)
When his mother died (she was nasty), I told ‘them upstairs’ I didn’t want her to come for him when it was his time, it was his gran and uncle that came for him, his granddad and great granddad came to see him in his final hour too, but his mother was no where near. Those that come are the ones you want to be there, and I know deep in my heart she’s not close by him ‘upstairs’ either. His grandmother brought him up until he started work as his mother wasn’t interested in him, she only became interested when he started work, then when he told her we were getting married her first comment was… I knew I wouldn’t get your money when you came out of your time…that woman was a control freak with an obsession for money and nothing else. She never even took our children out for even one day, looked after our son when he was a baby for 3 hours and told us never to ask her again so we never did. Sorry, rambling again, need to get this woman back out of my mind otherwise she’ll be dominating it for the rest of the day.
Blessings
Jen☆
Hello Jo, I hope today is kind to you. I meant to check in last night but wasn’t well. Today is the dreaded trip to the supermarket. During the week it doesn’t bother me but at weekends I just look at the older couples, 50+, I’m 53, and I envy their oblivion if that makes sense. Actually, I think I might have turned into a bitter old woman because I’m worse when I’m at the Dr’s surgery and I see all the older men. I just think why just so soon? Well you wont feel any better with me going on but I’ll be hoping you feel steadier today. Everything can seem harder at the weekend I know. x
Hi Jen
Hope you don’t mind me hijacking your reply to jo. I was really touched by some of the things you wrote. I was thinking about the popular website “What’s your Grief’ and they have done a piece on " nighttime rumination”. I understand the guilt thing, it’s a very hard place to be isn’t it. Hope today is kind to you.
Hello again Jo and Debra
My Husband was also 20 years older than me and we met late so you can imagine what people were saying. He loved life as your Husbands did and was a happy soul. He was going to live til he was 90. I don’t know how I was going to have a say in that, but that’s what I thought! It hurt even more when the funeral director said he looked young for his age.
I woke up this morning at two minutes past nine and immediately thought of you as I remember you saying before that was the time you lost Darrel.When the black hole takes a grip on on us it is the bleakest most unbearable feeling isn’t it.My counsellor told me to remember when I am in one of those depths of despair phases to remember ‘you won’t feel this bad every day’so I remind myself,just sharing that with you so you can do the same,although I know when we feel that way nothing makes sense does it.Roy was older than me too,I have spoken to Debbie about it before but didn’t realise you and Darrel were the same.The age gap didn’t matter,many people have said to me that they were jealous of our relationship and had never known such a close couple.I feel proud to think that.We were totally devoted to each other we made each other complete.Only people like you guys understand this which is why we must support each other through this terrible journey.I do hope today will be a little easier for you,thinking of you and everyone,love to all,Corinna xx
Not at all Tina, if anything I’ve written helps you then I’m really pleased. I’ve also bought some books that I’m finding helpful , I’ve mentioned them a few times, so forgive me if you already know about them, one is On Grief and Grieving, another more recent one is Widow to Widow, bought another recently, its title escapes me at present, I
The book is upstairs, I’m having a cup of tea after walking the dogs, but I shall post the title presently.
Jen☆
There’s quite a little club of us with older husbands!we had 30 years together I never dreamt I could be so happy,that was most of my adult life,so I am completely lost now.By the way if any of us turn into mad old cat ladies I think it’s most likely to be me,after all i’m half way there already! Love to everyone Corinna xx
hi Corinna no sorry i win title of cat lady hands dwn dont forget ill be getting 50 of them but i have fluffy sliipers and a shawl to add to the look xxx i think we should be called the young wives clib lol xx