Interested to know your views on this .
I’ve been doing quite a lot for the last 3-4 weeks , I’ve been talking to her all day , I’ve been a mess …
Now I made an effort today to try not to do it , I did a wee bit but not as much ….result , I’ve hardly cried .
So is talking to your spouse for comfort actually not helping us/you ?
Thoughts ??
I talk to Doug all the time, mostly in the morning and last thing at night to his photo. But I often do have a conversation with him, if I have a problem, or just want advice, I try to put myself in his shoes and what would he say.
Yes it does help me, it makes him feel very much part of my life. Sometimes when I’m going to do something, I’ll say to him, now don’t.be cross I’m going to …
Sometimes I cry, especially if I know he would know what to do, mostly I don’t.
I do have photos of him all over the house and just say hi in passing.
Debbie X X
Yes is the answer and I am a lot further down this horrible road.
I don’t know if he hears me but sometimes I seem to get to know how to deal with life’s worries. For me it’s now a case of, it’s not hurting anyone and really no one knows or cares, so I do it because it helps me.
If it helps do it. Sending you blessings.S xxx
My point being Debbie I feel I’m talking to her too much , intense stuff , the same questions and fears day in day out .
I say morning Mandy , then tell her I love her , I did that every day and will always say it however I have intense conversations recently and it’s not helping .
I don’t want to never talk to her but I felt I was doing it too much and it’s not helping me in my mental state . I need to ease up on it for me .
And believe me I will continue to do it , I just feel it’s too much for me .
It’s just a theory , I know it’s a comfort ut I’ve cooled it today on purpose and bingo I’ve been ok.
Glenn, go with what feels right for you. I know somedays I talk to myself but has I have said it’s not hurting anyone but me and somehow that feels right somedays. We all have our own strategy for getting through what is left of that life that was cut short, no matter how long we were together it wasn’t enough. Sxx
@Northumbrian54 dear Glenn I talk to pauline every morning and kiss her picture and do the same before bed. When in bed I say the goodnight we always used to say. I also talk to her throughout the day. I’m always telling her how much I love miss want and need her. She is my life and even though she is gone. She is still my heart and soul and I just can’t let go. I think it helps me to talk to her. Yes it hurts too. It will be 16 months this month and also our anniversary. Life has lost its meaning for me since she died. But we have 3 pets and I have to be here for them. I’m so sorry for your loss and the heartbreak you are going through. Take care. Sending hugs x
As Susie said, do what is right for you, but if you feel it’s affecting you mental health speak to someone such as, Mind, Cruse or your local metal health team. There is lots of help out there.
Do what’s right for you.
Debbie X
I’ll try to select my words carefully here in the hope that I can convey what I’m trying to say without upsetting anyone.
A bit like your situation @Northumbrian54, I realised fairly early on that I could reduce myself to a sobbing wreck within minutes if I let my inner voice run away with itself.
While there most certainly is a need to relieve pent up emotions, and cry when we need to, for me, it wasn’t helpful to me to have this happen too often as it rendered me incapable of functioning - and I need to function as I live alone.
It also made me feel wretched thinking things like " we’ll never do x or y again", “how will I manage all on my own?”, “why did you leave me?” “this is awful, I’ll never survive this misery” etc etc.
So, I made a conscious effort to not do that.
I control my mind rather than have my mind control me - or, at least, I try to.
I have felt that I’m managing better as a result, but it’s not easy.
I still struggle with other people’s kindness, but I’m trying.
So, I do speak to my lovely husband - usually asking him for help with fixing things and I say good morning to him every morning and goodnight at bed time and lots of random stuff in between, but I’m selective in my inner dialogue with him.
I think in this new way of living and being that we reluctantly find ourselves, we have to re-learn how to self soothe, for want of a better expression.
It’s not easy but we will get there - just via different routes and at different times.
Absolutely bang on as to how I’m feeling. I still say morning Mand and good night Mand but I need to be selective on the stuff I’m coming out with through the day . Every day whilst driving or walking I’m talking to her saying she knew I loved her , etc this has been on my mind lately .
I’m trying to figure out why I’m so intense , so stricken with the grief, I may never find an answer but I can help in small ways , for me .
Hello Your words resonate with me I can’t promise I won’t fall into this hole again but I will definitely try Thank you xxx
Hi @DawnD.
I fall in to the hole myself Dawn but at least I’ve now worked out how I got there!
I live on my own too and had many of the thoughts you were taking about in the early months. I didn’t control them and cried relentlessly the first few months.
This is going to sound weird, it actually made me feel better in a way as this was what I though I was supposed feel, wretched and so lost, just yearning and wanting my husband back so desperately.
I read many books on grief and tried the self help route using a book on CBT.
I didn’t find this forum until eleven months had past, I never seeked help from agencies or my GP, I though they would think I was being ridiculous. Even my line manager at work kept asking me to use the employee assistance programme they have, but I just couldn’t do it.
I now know differently and wished I had seeked out help early.
What I have learned this grief journey is not easy, it’s different for all of us and what works for one person does not necessarily work for others, in the end we all have to find our own way, whether it’s on your own or using the help that’s out there.
Debbie X
Hi All, I not only talk to Sharon all the time when I’m alone - but she talks back: “put it in the dishwasher not near it… stop faffing… do the washing today… no mire chocolate just now…” which is a comfort to me…
Definitely, a mindset thing.
I speak (and moan) to hubby randomly thru the day just as I did when he was here. We weren’t together 24/7 which I believe helped in my “acceptance” to my new chapter.
This was written by a psychologist:
Positive thinking doesn’t mean you have to be happy all the time, it simple refers to a mindset where you approach hardship in a more productive way.
Basically try to develop flexible thinking.
Take care, do the best you can’t
G. Xx
Absolutely, @Grandma.
You put that far more succinctly than me!
And, yes, if your lifestyle meant you had experienced time apart from each other in life, then at least you’ve had some element of “practice” at being alone and doing things alone - though no-one would deny that there’s a world of difference between being alone for a few hours/ couple of days and being alone permanently.
I totally agree regarding positive thinking.
It’s about looking for the silver lining in the cloud.
The cloud is very much still there, but that is not your focus.
@DennisS - that made me smile and I can so relate!
@Wingingit You summed it up perfectly, and I’m sure no one could be upset. Over the years, mainly before Sharon, I found a way to control panic, anxiety and getting stuck in my head when alone by “blocking the thoughts”, “changing the subject” to break the fear-adrenaline-fear cycle.
This does not mean I now block thoughts of my darling Sharon (not that I could even if I wanted to) but when I let reality hit me 2 weeks ago today I was very borderline doing the thing, and I suspect things may have happened if I hadn’t spoken to Sharon’s 2 best friends on the phone (I didn’t tell them how close I was, but just called for a chat).
I do talk to Sharon all the time, but, I keep it light and to do with cutting some new vases for her flower bowl, or ask her where she hid the cleaning stuff etc. And she tells me what to do around the house and keeps me what she would have called “in check”. I tell her I love her and kiss her picture by my bedside every night. It is all a comfort to me and entirely natural.
My psychiatrist I suspect is useless so I’ve binned him (and am trying to get some specialist bereavement counselling) as her says “let the grief come in small doses and deal with it as we are all worried about it hitting you in a mass like a freight train” - but I can’t deal with accepting my darling is gone even in small doses, so I won’t.
Just to update you all , with reference to my thread , it’s totally helped me in the grief fog , I’ve stopped talking to her all day , just morning and a little through the day .
It’s totally helped my state of mind, I rarely cry now I’m like a different person .
Try it , it helps .
It’s definitely a mindset thing.
But only when we are ready to recognise it.
Little by little we let go of our loss
But never of our love.
Keep chatting.
G. X