Thats what my Mark said, he said he was just a number to them but if it was them going through this would it happen to them, probably not, they would’ve been seen straight away.
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Im angry because if he had the biopsy, he could have had a chance with chemo. He was willing to go through a major operation in the beginning of November to get rid of everything to stop the cancer spreading, but ended up in the hospital.
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@Poppet1973
Your Mark was right. And we are the ones left here grieving.
Today I feel so sad and angry. It’s awful. Xx
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Yes I agree with you xx
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I feel all of these…
My chest is so tight, I am on propranolol and just had dose increased. I am feeling so anxious.
My Dad died in Dec 2023 then my youngest sister died after being diagnosis with terminal mylonema 2 weeks after my dads death.
No time to grieve my dad, tried to take on 1 year of medical support for my sister, watched her suffering and pain and was by her side in hospital when she was told this was the end of treatments.
My heart is broken. After losing my Dad and my sister one year apart.
Its been 2month since my sister died. My whole world has crashed beneath me. All of those symptoms are so real.
I am due to return to work in another week and am scared… People dont want to talk about my feeling of loss. I work in community setting for neuro & stroke - people die! Yet i cant talk to my colleagues.
My sister was always on the end of the phone and we talked everyday while i was on breaks - now, i am scared of not having her there.
I am struggling to face going back to work now she is not there… I am expected to carry on like nothing has happened! I dont know how to control my feelings.
What is normal? I dont know anymore… this pain in my chest hurts. G.P just increased to propranolol to 40mg X3 daily so maybe it will help.
Is it normal to have this chest pain and to have this much anxiety? I’ve never felt like this before. The physical symptoms are as bad as the emotional feels.
My weight has increased by a stone in 4-/5 months so i am trying to control that and am trying to find ways to relax but its hard.
I seem to feel more loss for my sister than for my Dad although i loved him very much too. I try to tell myself that love and grief come hand in hand… if i didnt have love i would not feel tge grief so for that reason i need to accept the pain.
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I understand what you are going through, I too have this heavy pain in my chest, my head and whole body hurt everyday. Im forgetting things everyday, I go and do something and don’t remember what I’m going to do.
I don’t go out unless I have to, if I do go out I end up crying and come home.
I can’t speak without getting upset.
Lately I feel like ive hit rock bottom, I just didn’t want to be here anymore and to be with my beloved husband.
After 22 years half of me is missing, its been 14 weeks since I lost him and it still feels like yesterday
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@Teeny I feel for you too im so sorry your here in this group i know how it feels i lost my dad 2021 and it was hard but expected due to him being in his eightys and had mantle cell lymphoma but its still hard losing your dad i was really close to him he brought me up alone and my linda was there with me supporting me she was a carer so know pretty much the system of care despite it not being very good standard he received which angered her as it shouldn’t have been like that she said then on 8th oct 2024 i lost by beautiful linda due to covid while in hospital getting some liver kidney treatment for jaundice but it was the covid getting in that did the deed they really dropped the ball on covid became complacent she fought it but it was too much on top of the other issue i was holding her the night she passed and the pain i cant describe so yes i understand your feelings a little we had been together 14 years and only 53 she was my soulmate and were due to marry hopefully this year after postponing it several times due to covid and dad and her mum being ill she lives with us as dad did so im looking after her now alone this toad we all on is terribly painful it tears you to shreds and as @Poppet1973 says the pain in the chest takes your breath and i too know that forgetting things daily too i find i have to right stuff down now or its just goes out ofmy head cant handle it all and i too like poppet hate going out only essential food and meds collections my dr has put me on metazipine as i feel lost but I’m not eating as food tastes of nothing so losing weight and sleep only happens when I’m completely drained and exhausted to the point my body shuts down and fall asleep crying i have been referred to complex grief counceling but I’ve just had conformation that its 6 month waiting list which is just pretty useless really at this rate i wont be here in 6 months but id be with my baby linda at least i too feel like half of me has gone hopefully with linda i truly sorry your suffering as you say love and grief is linked cant have one without the other its a terrible price to pay but its the way unfortunately big hugs from me try take care of you i know its difficult
Martin 
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The doctors have put me on Mirtazapine also, the only thing there do is help me sleep.
Two weeks ago I started grief counselling, it was the first one so it didn’t help, I think it never will. The only thing that will help is to have my beloved husband back and I know that is never going to happen. The only thing keeping me going everyday is to finish the complaint to the hospital for him, nothing is going to come of it as they’re never going to admit that they neglected my husband by sending him home every time without doing nothing.
Ive had enough and just want to give up and just want to be with him again.
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Why did this happen, he was only 50.
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My husband passed away 5 years ago, unfortunately time isn’t a great healer you just learn to carry grief & after a while you feel you need to hide it. That’s what makes the later years more difficult & affects your health, because you’re keeping it in. My Mum was my rock, she’d been through the same thing & understood. She was diagnosed with vascular dementia a few years ago but was still someone I could share with, even if she didn’t remember, she was there for me. Sadly she passed away before Christmas & I’m feeling so low, it feels a double whammy. I’ve not got my husband to support me through the loss of my Mum & I now haven’t got my Mum to share my grief with
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@Jodel712 oh my what a horrid place you find yourself in sorry to here of your mum and hubby too is terrible this path and the grief just consumes you as im now finding out myself losing my dad 4 years ago just starting to see some light then my linda just last oct I’m fylde coast born and bread but moved here to Devon with my beautiful linda in 2017 escaping from a what turned out a terrible marriage we both had previous failed relationships but my side got very violent towards linda which she did not deserve at all as the marriage was well and truly over before we got together bit they resented just how close we were and happy in love so came here as linda used to live here when little but lost her dad here always wanted to return but never had chance until we got together in 2010 that must have been so hard for you losing your mum to that horrid thing i cant imagine what you went through and not having her to grieve hubby must be very difficult i feel lost and alone now despite having to care for her mum who is unwell herself and pretty much room bound linda was only 53 and after 14 years together as a couple its hard as i now don’t know what to do stay here in her happy paradise as she called it but it hurts me so much not having her by my side and making the memories we planned or heading back to the fylde area to be nearer her daughter who lives bolton and wants to help look after her nan which i get but this would feel like id deserted Linda’s and my dream esp after all the effort getting here so I’m really torn what to do and trying to grieve whist im attempting to get help for her mum feels like swimming against the tide adult soc care in the uk is horrendously underfunded and not really fit for purpose i hope you do find some peace and im sending my love your way take care up there in my old stomping ground
Martin
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@Martin64 thank you for your reply, I’m so sorry for your loss too. It’s hard to know where you want to be as nowhere will be the same, take one day at a time & perhaps don’t make any quick decisions. Take care 
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I am five mins months in. It hasn’t got any better. Sometimes worse. I am so stressed all the time
Everything is an effort. I do like walking, but that tires me out and I think too much and keep crying. I don’t feel like going on. I am having counseling, but don’t think it will really help in the long run. I find it an effort to talk.
I am suffering from a potential stroke problem if I don’t destress and osteoporosis. I have to decide whether to go on a different drug for that with potential bad side effects. It is like waiting for a bomb to drop. I have been told I could break any bone at any time . I have already broken for vertebra.
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Thank you for your responses- in a way although its very sad… you have all confirmed that i am not the only one feeling like this. That i am not feeling any different… that i guess its sort of normal to feel this way.
Its such a difficult stage, i want to be able to control my emotions but its so hard.
Tears come at any point - my thought take control and before i know it im crying again. Send you all my hugs… xx
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Hi to you all.
You are all such early days
I’m just over a year and its still hard
I am learning to cope but tears still come every day.
Not the uncontrollable sobbing of the early days and sometimes it’s no more than wet eyes.
I won’t say it gets easier but you do start to cope.
The missing is the worst. That doesn’t seem to get any easier
It is like being on a rollercoaster you will have up days but also many down days but when you get to the bottom the only way is up
Just go with your emotions. It’s not easy but you will eventually start to cope.
You won’t necessarily like it but it’s something we’ve got to do
Keep posting on here. I don’t know how I’d have got this far without this forum
Its got me through some very dark times
Liz x x
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Awww Poppet, so sorry that you are struggling too. Its so hard to say anything positive when we have our own sadness inside us. All i can say is think of all the beautiful memories you hold inside! Try to find some warming reminders of your love in hope you can gain a bit of comfort.
Its really hard i know it is…
I struggle to control my own feeling.
I have downloaded a couple of youtube - meditation sessions for Coping with grief and another one youtube - Meditation for heal grief. My plan is to try at take some time out before going to sleep to listen to them. Coping with grief is giving me a chance to reflect on have my sister with me for a short time if only in my mind!
Im going to give the medication a go - what have i got to lose now.
Hugs to you all. Xx
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Martin- thank you for telling me your story and for replying to my message - it really helps to know that we are all somehow finding ways to talk about our grief. Its not easy and in some cases and its not always easy to feel positive but its just about acknowledgement even if its from one another so thank you. Xxx 
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@Teeny no thank you for reading my little bit and it was a pleasure to message you to give you a little support thats all i can do but i hope it helps i really do we on here because of this horrible event that has taken our soulmate love and best friend dad mum sister or brother away it is such a terrible time to be in i know its part of life but it doesn’t make it any easier no one can prepare you for the this feeling and how it overwhelms us if we knew would we love in the first place the more you love the more it pains its a very heavy price to pay the finality of it is just to much to conceive and doesn’t even enter your head but i cant ever imagine not loving my linda that thought alone sends shivers down my spine if i had never met her and fell instantly in love with her i cant even imagine that thought now fate is sometimes a cruel mistress but i thank whoever steered us into one and others paths that they did despite this intense grief pain and longing to hold her again that overwhelms our being i would never change that not in a million years i just wish i had got that chance to marry her as planned this year thats all i ever wanted and she too to be my wife my mrs even though i called her my wifey all the time i feel i failed and that really hurts but yes its good that we are here for each other in our darkest of times i hope you find hope and peace in your search for answers and your love for your dad and your sister will forever be in your heart they will always be in you massive hugs look after you thank you too
Martin xx
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This is exactly how I am feeling now, even other people have commented on my appearance as I haven’t been making an effort whatsoever, along with doing the house chores and normally really clean and on top of things. It’s been almost 5 years for me and still doesn’t seem to get any easier. It didn’t help for me that I just received therapy for having trauma and then straight into a worldwide pandemic. I honestly feel like I’ve had my entire life ripped apart. I’ve stopped socializing, sleep any chance I get. It was my grandmother that I lost but she raised me since I was 2 weeks old, and lost her sister also a few weeks later also in a care home which made it even harder as were not allowed to go see them and didn’t even have a proper chance to say goodbye as there was only 5 permitted at the funerals at the time. I’ve been so angry ever since that it’s taken up so much of my energy and even got myself in trouble with the police which isn’t like me. What makes it worse is that I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to as I feel like they don’t understand. I don’t want to be like this but finding it so hard to move past the anger and the sadness I feel. If anyone is available to chat or anything that may help me to gain some perspective then I would really appreciate it.
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Im not much for advice but being on here helps me get my feelings out, if you want to chat we are here.
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