Of course, this past 6 weeks, I see everything that goes on in the world, from international events, to local personal activities, as those that happened before J died, and now since he died.
I find this really blows my mind. For example, he didn’t know it snowed already this week, or the results of the US election, and that we are having an oil delivery this week (oil central heating).
He also won’t know when our remaining cat (we put her sister to sleep just a month before J died) goes to Cat heaven. They are/were 17 half years old, and J loved them to bits (the one that died was his favourite), as do I.
The really, really, really, sad part, was seeing all his professional colleagues and friends at his funeral; he would have been so pleasantly surprised that all these people thought so much of him and held him in such high regard. Tragic, and brutally cruel.
Does anyone else see the world through the eyes of ‘Before’ and ‘After’?
I really feel what you are saying. Everything is framed in before or after. My son told me today his wife is pregnant , I cried! Feel terrible that I could only think about how he will never get to see the baby.
Not been able to say that to anyone, I know here people understand. Hope you find some support here🫂
Yes I understand, a couple of shops in our town that he was used too closed down & re-opened as other stores, he doesn’t know, I’ve changed my hair colour he doesn’t know…
He died at just 60, I’ll find it hard to go past 60 myself as his life stopped then.
I think about all the things that have changed since 1st February. He would be surprised that I decorated two rooms in my house, I have a new car, new friends, my garden is finished now, I have a new business venture, a serious medical issue.
He would be really angry with a couple of his friends for the way they talked to me.
He never missed a trick, and would have so many questions.
BC and AD.
@OnlyMe2 I think your first cat went to Heaven to wait for him there.
I write to my husband in a journal every day to let him know all that is happening There is so much I have to say, and lots of things I need help with to ask him. I always tell him how much I love and miss him. Just wish he could reply.
I feel the same, before and after. I loved my life before and im not loving it now after 12 weeks of grief and anguish.
I feel so bad about not having the discussions we had about the state of the world, the children and the grandchildren who adored him and vice versa.
I lost a lovely caring supportive man. Im just grateful my children and grandchildren are here with me for the after
Heartsand
I do know what you mean my son always told me and his late mum that he would love to find a female companion my darling wife has now been gone 2 years and 2 months he then meets a lovely lady who has an 11 year old daughter they are now engaged he met her strangely enough 2 months after she died she would have been over the moon about it it really upsets me that she is not witnessing this although because of the short gap between (months) i believe she had something to do with it she is so like his mum in so many ways that’s what upsets me i don’t think he’s realised the resemblance
OnlyMe2, I wondered if it was only me, I watch a TV program and think Jacqui would love to see this, she would have loved to see the first snow and been telling me to put the heating up and would have loved the new pictures of the baby, our God daughter has just had. It makes me feel so sad all the things ahead she won’t now see.
My partner used to refer to life BC and AC (Before/After cancer). But you are so right in what you have described. And it feels even worse. We coped and adapted to his decade of cancer together as a team.
But now, there are just so many things that only your partner would understand. You’d discuss particular things with them, knowing how they’d react, or that you have “shorthand” shared understanding over.
We also ran a small business together (which eventually became just us, because of his illness) and there’s so many things I need to talk to him about.
@Lost20248 Such a bittersweet moment for you! Your reaction was so understandable. Agree with you about everyone understanding what we are all experiencing.
@Sarie Yep, it’s those conversations that only you and your partner understood, the little nuances, the looks, the, well…everything. Are you able to discuss your business with anyone else?
@stapes This community demonstrates just how much we all have in common due to what we have all experienced. Simple little things, as you say, such as TV programmes, etc are the little things that mde it all so special with our partners/spouses etc. Every little thing, and that’s what makes it so damn difficult. Keep posting, I note your wife passed 6 weeks ago, same for me, my husband died on the 8 October. And what I really don’t like, is the more time passes, I feel I will get ‘further away’ from him, if that makes sense.
@Bill2 It is a lovely story Bill, despite the overwhelming sadness. It’s almost like a jigsaw puzzle, and it’s all come together, almost as though it was ‘meant to be’ with the central person being your lovely wife.
@flowergarden I had to drop something off today to a lady who was widowed at age 60, she is now 78. We talked for a while, and she told me how she had eventually adapted, and she leads a relatively full life now in a lovely house . She has lovely photos of her husband on display, and she gave me comfort knowing that she did carve out a future for herself, even though it wasn’t the one she envisaged.
@SadGirlfriend It’s amazing isn’t it, how we go on, despite all the grief and pain, we are incredibly resilient, although I admit my reserves have all but disappeared at the moment. You have achieved a lot this year. Yep, our little cat has surely greeted J now, wherever they may be!
@Heartsand
totally agree about not loving life after. You are 12 weeks, I am not far behind, I am 6 weeks. Even now, as I sit here typing this, it’s so strange just being alone. I haven’t been alone since I was about early 20’s, I am 59 now. Your husband was a much loved man, and you are now surrounded by that same love from your family, which is something to treasure.
Bill, he notices the resemblance, Mom was his first love. I am happy that your son is to marry a lady you like and that a little girl is coming into your circle of love. Your wife knows. Talk to her.
I am sorry that you won’t have this happy time with your wife by your side to celebrate together. It is just so sad.
Dear @OnlyMe2
YEEEESSSS!!
My Phil died on 24.8.22
Everything I see is before and after that date. Meaningful before that date, and zero meaning after it.
BUT also the ‘before Phil’ now is meaningless to me too.
Had to do some necessary house repairs and decorating recently. So a bit of a tidy out… Anything pre being with Phil ( he moved into the house I owned) could be thrown. Everything we got together stays.
I now see my life measured in 3 parts, before Phil, with Phil, without Phil … And the only bit that matters is the 16 years ‘with Phil’ (15 of that married)
