Without stating the obvious. Loosing a child leaves an eternal feeling of emptiness. In the beginning it’s all consuming. It takes over your your entire existence. But once you get a few years down the line. It’s the little things that just creep up and jump out at you. In the middle of the night for a split second you realize you haven’t seen them for a while. Or you can’t remember the last phone call you had with them. Or you catch a glimpse of them in a photo on your phone or in a picture round the house. You momentarily forget that they aren’t hear anymore. In all the time that he’s been gone, my mind convinced me that he’s still out there somewhere, living his life. When my son died, for a few weeks/ months he’s on everybody’s mind that new him. But after a while he becomes just a distant memory for all those people. Eventually they don’t even think about him. But for a parent it never goes away. Yes you can learn to live with it. But there always seems to be just that something that’s missing from your life. Everyday there are little reminders that others don’t see. Because it’s not personal to them. Whenever you watch something on the tele, a film or whatever, when someone loses somebody they always try to describe what it feels like. But it always falls short of what it actually does feel like. No one seems to really capture the true extent of loss. Putting it simply, words just don’t cover it. It’s an undescribable feeling that you experience. Its Nye on impossible trying to articulate to others around you what you are going through, so to compensate you wear a mask to hide your true feelings. But as any parent knows every now and again the mask slips and you feel you are crumbling inside. A quote in a film I watched. You’re just trying to keep a lid on it. It’s a strange concept loss and grief, because nobody ever really knows what to say to you. So you find it’s just easier for people to not mention it at all. Even after all this time I regularly sit downstairs in the small hours with that everlasting feeling of wonder. What if!!!.
It definitely changes you as a person. Subconsciously you see situations differently than others around you do. Or you pick up on things people say, where before you wouldn’t. You become more aware of others feelings, like you are more tuned in. Loosing a child is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I wouldn’t say it makes you stronger or weaker it just changes you. I’ve said before in some of my posts. Your life is now a before and after existence. I feel a million miles away from the person I used to be. I often talk to my son or act like he’s with me in some form. A bit like an imaginary friend if you like. But far more personal than that. Your life can change in the blink of an eye, leaving many unanswered questions. Trying to lead a " normal" life afterwards is the trick. Far from easy. But somehow you get through. Maybe not always in the way you thought you would. After all you don’t ever expect to loose your son or daughter.
Ok thanks for listening
Take care
Jim
Jim, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved child. It is a loss like no other and one that only parents who have lost a child can truly understand. I hope someone here will come share with you how they manage their never-ending grief.
My heart breaks for you.
Warmest hugs from New Orleans.
Hi Jim10
Every word you just said is so true. I lost my only child 3 months ago and I know exactly how you feel. I have no words of wisdom to make things right, because there is no right any more. My heart goes out to you.
I understand everything you have written. Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my son in 2020 to bowel cancer aged 39. It doesnt get any easier but something you have to get on with every single day. Like you say no one understands fully unless you go through it. I cry and talk to him. I hope hes having a better life where ever he got. And i hope he looks down and sees how i love and miss him.
I am only 4 months into losing my only child at 27years but I know that life will never be the same again and it’s so hard to keep things together. I am still teary every day….one step at a time is all I can manage.
Sending love to all those on this journey x
Hi Jim 10, you have put across the hurt of losing a child, whatever age, very well and agree with everything you have said, I lost my son 20 years ago, I have been so grateful that my wife and I could support and navigate our way through the trauma, sadly it is not always the case with parents, it can lead to breakdown between them. There were times, particularly at night, even 20 years later when the tears would start and I am sure it was the same for my wife, sometimes it would catch us both. I joined this forum because I have now lost my wife 7 month ago, you cannot compare the two, one is not “better or worse” than the other, they are very different but with my son, my wife and I could support each other, this time I am on my own. I have been supported by a very good friend of mine and have huge respect for him, he has lost both his son and daughter and his wife and yet has navigated his way forward and is able to help me.
We have no choice in what befalls us and life can be a real bitch but we owe it to the ones we have lost to make the best of the life we have left because they have not had the same chance.
Hi Jim. I recently lost my son & the pain is unbelievable. I really believe you can die of a broken heart. My heart feels like a ton weight.
I also lost my husband & very recently had to put my dog to sleep.
Bless you all
Anne 
It’s now 5 months since my only child died at 35 from leukaemia. The feelings expressed on this page are exactly those I’m feeling. I’m still teary at those every day comments, photos or memories that come to mind. I feel a massive sense of loss in my life and in my future. There’s still a sense of it can’t be possible that I’m not going to see her again, that she won’t come in from work as normal and make me laugh about some silly stuff! The Norwegians have an expression in response to that “ how are you doing” question which is “up and not crying”. I can’t always maintain the latter!
Thank you
I think I may adopt the phrase: up and not crying yet !
Losing your only child gives you a whole different outlook on life and what is important doesn’t it.
I had just taken partial retirement and had hoped to spend some of the cash on supporting James and his girlfriend with house etc etc……… 
Sending you kind thoughts x
Hello Jim. I found reading your post helpful. My loss, My beloved daughter is very recent, therefore extremely raw. The emptiness, yes that is exactly how I feel - empty, lost, carrying around an excruciating pain, but your post gave me a little hope. Hope that even though the pain will never go away, I will hopefully learn to live with it. I will and have already, change as a person. I see the rest of the world go on around me, as I know it must, whilst mine is shattered.
Thank you again, and so sorry for what you have been through, and will continue to go through.
Self-care… will try my best, and you too.
Susan, I lost my darling daughter recently, also to bowel cancer. What she went through, the pain and suffering, is something I hope will not keep haunting me as time goes on. We were very close, and I am glad I was her as much as I was, right to the end, but Lord how I long for her, her touch, smell, voice, the very sight of her. I am saddened to see so many parents experiencing this pain, but also I feel I am in the right place, and we can give a little helping hand to one another.
First of all I send you the biggest virtual 
. I know the pain you are experiencing. Every single day I want my son back. He is the first person i think about in a morning. And at the last thing at night.🩵. I miss him terribly, and I know i will never get over it. It’s easy for people to say, " oh it will get better". Somebody has to go through the pain before they understand. Like your daughter went through the pain, so did my son. Please take care as much as you can. I’m here if you need to talk at anytime. I’m tearing up while I write this to you. God bless.
Just as well we don’t know what’s in front of us x
I lost my beautiful daughter 16 years ago. I hold a silent scream within me of rage at the unfairness of it and pain that is still raw despite the years.
Hi Jim, and to all those that have lost.
It’s not the order of life and my son sadly passed away on the 8th December 2021 aged just turned 21. Everyday is a struggle with reminders all around and even when there is a little bit of happiness the dark cloud comes and hangs over me like I can’t be happy for the feelings of guilt as my son is no longer with us.
The loss of a child is like what Jim describes, you just can’t describe it. It’s the worst feeling that anyone can have and I’m 47 and have to count down the days until we meet again. I have 2 other children that I am extremely close to and seeing their pain is something g that I feel hopeless about, I should be able to comfort them but there are no words that can help with the pain we all feel.
My deepest condolences to all and I hate it when people ask “ah do you have kids”, it makes them feel terrible, me feel terrible for them and the awkward silences are brutal.
I’ve accepted that this is the way life is going to be and I try to honour my son in every way possible, keeping the person he was still very much alive in people’s heads.
I seem to be waffling on now so apologies, been a while since I’ve actually wrote about my son Ellis in this context 
I know that silent scream Max, always bursting to be heard. One of the hardest things is not knowing who or what to be angry at, the disease? The circumstances? God? Somebody else? I don’t know who I am angry at, but angry I am. Angry that my daughter was taken, angry at the wicked cancer, angry that she had to suffer so very much, angry that nothing could save her, angry that she isn’t sat here with me. And angry at something/the world on behalf of every single parent here who has lost their child. It isn’t supposed to be this way around! We aren’t supposed to be going through this. It should be parents first. I visited my daughter at the woodland yesterday, sat at her side and told her I wished with all my heart that I were laying there instead of her. It isn’t right. I hate that cancer that took my girl, with a vengeance, and feel for every single one of you. May we find some peace and comfort, somehow, somewhere.
That is exactly how I feel. Lost my daughter and the colour has left the world. Thank you for putting it into words.
These words have helped me. I just feel so lonely even when surrounded by family and friends. You have been a comfort knowing you feel this pain too. Thank you.
We all experience this pain, when we lose someone close especially our children. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my son in 2020. He was only 39 bless him. We lost him with bowel cancer. My heart is so broken. I really don’t know how i get through my day. But I do. ( Sometimes I don’t know if I want to. ) But my twin sons and better half do. X
Montie. Only another parent who has lost a child knows this pain, this awful feeling, and nobody else. This is why we are here in this ‘club’ that we really never wanted to be a member of. If we can share our grief, express it to one another, and it helps just a little, it can only be a good thing. I have felt every single thing you mention, loneliness, anger, longing, incredible sadness, and yes those thoughts of not wanting to be here. We feel we are existing rather than living. I could be talking nonsense, but I believe the reason we feel this way (not wanting to be here) is not because we want to die, not because we want to bale out on life, but because the agony of it so damned hard to go through, and obviously, that feeling that we want to be with our child. I feel all that, really do. But the reality of it is we have to go through it now. When I am having my worst moments, I am sobbing, with my partner comforting me, and I am crying over and over ‘I want Sarah’, and I really do. But what I am wanting is not to be ‘there’ where she is, I want her here with me, so badly! Sometimes I think if it weren’t for my son, who is very fragile and been through a breakdown, and my beautiful grandson who is a source of strength to me, I wouldn’t make it through. But my Sarah really wanted us to keep going, wanted her mum to keep going, I could see it in her smile, and she told me so herself. I told her I would do my best. I am hoping that in time I can smile at the wonderful memories, the beautiful years together, but right now it is raw. We have to hold on. Bless you x