HI all.
firstly this isn,t about myself. I just thought it may help for some on the beginning of this horrible journey.
ok , a bit long winded but here goes!!!
one day everything is fine, you are getting on with everything that you do in your day to day life. then it happens. you loose your child. to be honest it does,nt matter how you lost them, i,ve read enough messages on here to judge that the pain is the same for everyone. the loss hits us just as hard as the next person regardless of how you lost your child.
Thats the first step on the grief highway. the total shock, the numbness, the disbelief . suddenly you are thrown into a whirlwind of emotions that you simply can,t fathom. nothing makes any sense. time becomes irrelevant . everything keeps revolving around you, but you are just stuck rite there in that moment. for the first few days you just can,t comprehend what has happened.
then over the coarse of the next week or so you are trying to kick start your body to function. trying to come to terms . trying to sort funerals out . working out who you need to tell that your son/daughter is no longer hear. ringing your own boss up. trying to do the decent thing but really you could,nt care less about the protocols . you keep breaking down. your mind keeps slipping into being able to function and not being able to function. you are totally lost between trying to make sure everything is in place so that your son/daughter gets everything they need leading upto and beyond the funeral and being in total denial that they have actually died in the first place. family and friends are all milling around you trying to offer any type of help that they can. condolence messages are coming in thick and fast, far to numerous for you to respond to. in most cases the time between the death and the funeral is 1 to 3 maybe 4 weeks. but feels more like centuries . in that time you feel totally and utterly helpless that you can,t go and get your baby and hold them and tell them you love them. tell them its not time for them to go, they are not supposed to go yet, its not the order of things. you feel you have somehow let them down because they are lying somewhere lifeless waiting for the final end day. but in your head they are not gone, they are very much still part of you. you want to go down to the hospital or the morgue and bring them home where they belong.
After the funeral the whole world goes back to normal the dust settles all around you. but not for you. you are only at the beginning of a very long journey. The guilt or the anger or both set in, how has this happened you are the parent you are supposed to protect your children. In your head you think its the same for everyone around you. but it is not. everyone else on the peripheral just carries on as if nothing at all happened. but you are stuck in a long dark tunnel. time has stood still. then you are so wrapped up in your grief that you don,t notice at first. but people start to distance themselves from you. might just be the neighbours at first. people in your local area avoid you. they know whats happened but think its best to give you a wide birth , would,nt want to look like they were being nosey. then after maybe a month or six weeks while you have been in an absolute sodden mess it hits you that you have,nt heard from dear friends. or in some cases even family members. you brush it off at first , tell yourself its just your imagination . but as more time passes. more and more people you know or class as friends have purposely stayed away. avoided ringing you, texting you. calling at the house. in my case i gave these people the benefit of the doubt [laughingly for 3 years] then realized they were gone from my life for good.
while all that is going on you are trying to glue yourself back together. weeks roll into months the whole world has changed for you now. nothing will ever be the same again . you have been stripped back to the bare bones and now you are just trying to survive each day one day at a time. its hard to motivate yourself to even breath let alone get up out of bed a do anything constructive. some days it hits you how your behavior is affecting those closest to you. husband and wives, your other children. you are trying to balance being normal and wanting to curl up in a ball and die. laughter and smiles have long since left your body.
for the first year it feels like you are wading thru thick mud blindfolded. then its time for the dreaded anniversary. does,nt matter which one it is. birthday, deathday, christmas. graduation day. they are all dreaded mountains that lay in your way. you have spent the last god knows how many months crying and aching with pain. but this day that is looming is really going to take it out of you. but it passes, like all the other days.
by the time you get to year two. the pain has,nt diminished in the slightest. but to be honest thats not the problem . time is irrelevant. the fact you have got to year two is a milestone indeed. you never thought you would survive a day without your child, but hear you are. you are still a million miles from the person you used to be. you still have the nightmares, the sleepless nights. your friends have still stayed away. [they are no longer friends at this point] you may drink more than you used to or take sleeping pills. or go for counselling or do anything that you find helpful. but take it from meā¦ you have travelled a long way on the grief highway. you will probably have connected with other bereaved parents by now and you are all the highway .
By year 3. you have changed beyond all recognition. you have probably taken your place up back in society. but you are just out of sync with everyone else. you can function in a fashion. just not how you used to. you are still extremely fragile. but to the outside world you look normal. that is a major achievement to do this. because you have come from the very depths of despair to now being able go to work. go on holiday. speak to people without crumbling. go for a night out. a day out. sit in the garden. make a cake. all things you could,nt do.!!!
as the years start stacking up. the anniversaries come and go and you deal with them how you deal with them. you carry your grief around with you well hidden out of site. its still there, it will always be there. the odd day will come and go when you have a break down , its only momentary . [im at year7. cried in my sleep last night] not done that in a long timeā¦
i keep saying time is irrelevant, because it is. when you loose a child it does,nt matter if it was yesterday or 5 years ago. time does not heal you. i miss my boy as much today as i did the day he died. i always will. time does,nt play a part in it. its your mind that is the key. your mind heals. when you loose a child part of the package that comes with it is the . crippling guilt, or the anger. the could,a . should,a would,a. the moving on from all those people that ran out on you. the cutting remarks you,ve had to deal with the insensitivity you,ve had to put up with.
grief is horrible none of us would choose it if we had the choice. but thats just it we dont have a choice. but we get through one way or another.
ok thanks for listening take care
jim
