111/2 years after my son unexpectedly passed away, I’m not much better than the day that he died. I’m a completely different person now. Everything in my life is gauged as before or after his death. It consumes my every waking moments. People say that it gets better, but it does not.
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Hello Grnnyofthree
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your son. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care, Rhi
Hi Granny of three, this is my fifth christmas without my son Ryan.
Ryan died of brain cancer when he was 29.
At this point the feelings of loss remain . I dont think it gets easier i feel i have just become accustomed to them
We speak of him often, laugh at stories of his less positive personality traits.
Its hard to enjoy life for a long time i felt guilty if l laughed or enjoyed myself.
But i knew my son would not have wanted us to be sad forever.
So i decided to battle the grief. Sought counseling and it helped to reset my mindset to something a bit more positive.
I am not the person i was before he was diagnosed. But life always changes us and leaves its Mark.
Wishing you some peace xx
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Hi Gayle, this my 11th Christmas without Brock. He passed suddenly. He was diabetic and didn’t know. He went into a diabetic coma during the night and aspirated. It blew my world apart, as I know that it happened to you. I hope you find some peace. Thanks for the email. It takes another mama to understand.
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I take comfort in your messages. This is my first Christmas without James. He died suddenly 5 months ago aged 31. My heart hurts in a world without him. X
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I lost my son Simon on 13th January 2023 and I’m finding every day a struggle I cry constantly and I’m always asking God why he took my son away when he was only 32 is death was due to a fall and bleeding into brain he was found in the street early hours of morning by a passerby and they called emergency services and the police was first on scene and they didn’t help him even when he said he couldn’t breathe I’m asking why didn’t the police get him help instead of assuming he was a drunk he lay in street for one hour with this lady holding his hand and begging police to get him help when they realized that he had stopped breathing they summoned help but it was too late I was away on holiday and wasnt informed by the police but my deaf daughter rang me screaming down phone I can’t cope with every day living I tried to find someone I could talk to but was unsuccessful so I have been struggling on my own I’m not sleeping good or eating I saw my Dr but was told things will get better to give it time and Christmas I’m finding a real struggle and then i got to cope with January after I can’t get bereavement help anywhere I just wished my son was here I just don’t know how to cope with my grief I miss my son’s voice every Friday when he used to ring me and say I love you mum I never thought this would happen to me his sister is struggling and his brother is as well but how do we hope with this grief
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I am so sorry to hear of your terrible loss. My son, also called Simon, died recently. I too constantly think of the what ifs and if onlys. It is agony.
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Hi O, it must be awful to know your son was not treated with kindness and care when injured.
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Hello everyone
My son Jake died in his sleep on 20th December 2024 - only 27 and he was so strong and healthy. The only sign was he had a cold and had started to feel rough. He went to bed and never woke up. I have no idea how to live without him. My husband and daughter need me, but I cannot escape the feeling that I failed to protect my boy. Irrational as he was an adult living independently and had always thrown off illness and coped with colds and flu well. He had Covid last Christmas and stayed home, so our last Christmas spent together was in 2022. This Christmas was so terrible, so empty.
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What a terrible shock for you. I understand completely what you say about feeling you failed to protect your boy. I feel that too even though my son was 33 and living in his own flat. It’s what all mothers feel, no matter what age their child. So sorry for your loss.
Thank you, I have been reading your posts too and so much of what you say chimes with my feelings. Honestly I think a year will go by and I will still feel utterly bereft. I carried my son and gave birth to him and brought him up and to lose him like this….We finally got his body released from the public mortuary this week and I am going to see him on Friday I hope. I deeply feel I need to see him to properly say goodbye. Knowing he was in the public mortuary all over Christmas when he should have been safe in the bed I made up for him to come and celebrate with us has been torture.
Give yourself permission to grieve and scream and cry for as long as it takes - I won’t say it will get better as I honestly don’t know. Sending virtual hugs from someone who knows
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Thank you and I send hugs to you too. My son had already bought our Christmas presents - they were sitting on the dining table in his flat - and we opened them at Christmas, even though it was unbearable. Earlier in the year I was so looking forward to Christmas as we were going to have both my daughter and son to stay, just the 4 of us together, our lovely little family unit. I just can’t get my head around what has happened to us. We are heartbroken.
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Hi E sorry to hear your son died so suddenly with you not being able to say goodbye.
I lost my 29 year old son to cancer 5 years ago. I understand the feelings you have of feeling you let him down. As a Mother we always feel we should have done more, as time passes if you are like me these feelings will wane. You will then relise you did a great job and nothing else could have been done by you.
There is no better feeling for Mums than their kids sleeping safely in our homes. Protected from the world.
Xx
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Hi emstert
What a shock you got I’m so sorry for your loss and Christmas and new year must have been awful for you and the family. When my son died I shut everyone out including my daughter and son who was also coping with the sudden loss of there brother your husband and daughter will understand that you need some alone time to come to terms with your grief as you was the one who gave birth to him take your time in to coming terms with your loss please don’t listen to others who say you have another child I promise you they both will understand what you are going through just talk to them and explain that you want some time alone to come to terms with your loss
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We went to his flat for the first time since it happened and his presents were there ready wrapped for us. So painful but I made myself open mine and the gift was amazing. An embroidery memory keepsake game with prompt cards for making a journey on a map to visit a dear friend. When I’m ready I will embroider about our journey together and make a memory quilt. It was so hard to not be able to thank him. And our gift to him have to be dealt with, but in time. Not ready.
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And your Christmas sounds like ours. I’m so sorry, I know how awful it will have been xxx
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Thank you Gayle. It’s helpful to hear from someone a little further down the line. I’m struggling to see any sort of future right now, but at some point there will have to be a way forward. So sorry you lost your son so young too. So much potential and life left to live. I feel it would have been better if I was the one to die, but you don’t get to choose really, do you?
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As mums we feel we have to look after everyone, make everything ok. And I can’t make this OK. I’ve been trying to think of happy times and cherish those when I can. We are pretty much taking it in turns to cry or make endless cups of tea and try to feed each other. Not much else to do.
So sorry for everyone’s loss - so unfair.
So sorry about your loss of Jake.
I lost my eldest son Ben on Nov 8th. He had Covid in March 2022 and had bouts of illness ever since which had resulted in many hospital stays. Nothing was diagnosed although long Covid was mentioned at one point.
His death was totally unexpected and a post mortem was done. This was inconclusive and we are waiting on further tests.
On one of the visits to his house afterwards ( to empty it as housing society ), I broke down and said ‘ he was my child and I couldn’t save him, I couldn’t protect him.’
I will forever think this.
I know it’s unrealistic but as mum’s we want to, no matter how old they are.
I have 3 other sons who need support and that’s what is getting me through, one day at a time.
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I’m so sorry for your loss - the shock of the unexpected death and the pain of dismantling our beloved son’s lives is terrible. My son also had Covid last year, and I have often wondered if it had a role to play in this - he had been very tired and concerned about his health in the last year of his life.
We went to see our dear son’s body yesterday as we had not been able to before due to him being in a public mortuary (it would have been behind glass only). The funeral directors did an amazing job, but I was amazed by the visceral screams coming from me without any possibility of control. Not a 45 minutes I ever want to repeat, but strangely enough I was able to say goodbye and wish him peace to move on from this lifetime into whatever is next - and I slept better last night.
I wish us all courage for the challenging weeks, months, years ahead.
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